Widows or widowers, who have been happily married for longer than 25 years. What would you advise a friend who was widowed after years of marriage?

While I have not experienced being widowed I have experienced a divorce from a LT marriage some years ago. Of course choosing divorce is not the same as loosing a loved partner to death, but it is still a death on many levels and an adjustment even if one wants to be divorced. I would say what I learned from my experience is that we must all learn to accept endings in life and understand that life, does indeed, go on. It is normal and healthy to grieve but ultimately one must emerge and reclaim and re-invent a new life for themselves.

To be sad and feel the loss is healthy, for a time, but to get stuck in some sort of paralyzing grief that prevents you from moving forward is not. All things must come to an end and change, for better or for worse, this is an inevitable fact of life. Genuine grief is one thing but being so emotionally dependent on another person that you cannot function without them is very unhealthy. I would say that much past past the first 2 years of a mourning and adjustment period if one is still depressed and unable to function normally some major counseling is in order.

You may always miss and love that person but the focus should be on gratitude for the years spent together not a death sentence, on an emotional and psychological level, for the remaining living partner. We are all born alone and die alone, and we are also all whole and complete by ourselves. There is a big difference between missing someone and being so dependent on another for your well being that you end up completely dysfunctional if you lose that person.

edit: “losing” not “loosing.” Arrrgh!

I get what you are saying and I use to feel that way. The first death in my life was my favorite person in the whole world. My dad. I thought I could never get close to anyone after that. I was wrong. I had 2 kids and my husband and I can assure you I am quite close to them. I was also very close to 2 siblings and my mom to some degree. I love them all. But my husband is the only person I have ever known who knows me well and who I trust with knowing everything about me. I have never met or ever felt free to be that close to anyone. Not even my dad. I’m just not that trusting. You know. The most inner secrets of your mind and heart.
I talk to a lot of people and can confide many things. But who I am deep inside, I don’t even post on here. It’s not that its shameful or illegal stuff, but just some things I feel people may judge. I never felt judged by my husband.
So after so many years of having someone whittle away at my defenses, I don’t think I would have the desire or the time to ever find someone like that. Nor do I think it’s possible.
So its not that I depend on him or feel incomplete without him, but rather I know I will retreat to who I once was.
I could always be in a room full of people, laugh and have a great time but in the end, during the quiet times, its knowing that in a world full of people, there is one person who truly knows me as well as I know me. It’s not that I care what other people think that keeps me from opening up. But rather I have no real desire to share who I am with anyone else. I know people often only want to see what they care to see. It also goes the other way. I know him inside and out.
My mom has been a widow for over 30 years. She is a live but not happy ever since he passed. Not happy like she was with him. Some people in our lives are just not replaceable. No matter how mad she would get, he could make her laugh or at least calm down and change her mind. I do know one thing. Throughout all these years, she has felt lonely but like me had no desire to find someone else because she too is a very private person who doesn’t let a lot of people get close.

@Pandora I am rather the same way. On the one hand I am very open and friendly but on the other I am protective of myself as well and also have not met many people I feel totally comfortable with fully letting in. I think that we should always keep a part of ourselves for ourselves and not give away all of ourselves. This is where truly being comfortable with yourself and being alone is important.

While I enjoy socializing to a degree I also cherish my own time. I also have chosen not to look for relationship the last number of years as I am very content by myself after being married for a long time.There are seasons to our lives and learning to be comfortable with ourselves, by ourselves, is just as important as being able to love another person.
From a universal perspective our lives and the lives of those we love are but a mere drop in the cosmic bucket.

All we can do is enjoy the moments of our lives and find our own inner peace which is the most important lifework we can do. Maybe being an only child has made enjoying solitude easier for me, though I am very close to my only child, my 29 yr. old daughter, and I love my pets. I really don’t want to make compromises and share with another human at this juncture of my life. I like living alone and doing what I want when I want to.