Anyone with advice on how to deal with ex's and split parenting?

I should say almost all communication ends up in some form of abuse and yep I’m not perfect and sometimes I know I shouldn’t react or say things, but all I’ve been doing lately is just texting saying, ‘hey can’t I know how my daughter is?’
He’ll say I have 3 days every 2 weeks, no leave me alone.
I just don’t agree…. I“m her mother…. my heart aches when she’s not here, I want to know how my little cub is doing!
Love to hear what you think?

There’s nothing about “fair” in the court system. Not gonna happen.

Your best bet is to let him keep acting like a jack ass, and stay emotionally level. He, OTOH, does not sound emotionally stable, and sooner or later she’ll be able to recognize who is safe to be around.

Keep the kid going to therapy (it helps in documentation for the courts).

Start a journal (also for documentation).

It may take years for the courts to see enough to say it’s bad enough to do anything about, but the more you document, the better off you’ll be.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything as best you can.

Not sure what jurisdiction you are in, but most locales will put in the custody orders a requirement that the child be allowed to communicate with the other parent at any time.

Time to go to court and ask for access to be granted when she is in his custody.

And, keep being non critical in front of her. In the long run, she will trust you and not him.

@tan253, I’m lucky that my ex left the state and hasn’t bothered with his children for years. I’m lucky because I haven’t had the stress, they are not lucky. He is their dad. Like your relationship, our engagement following our separation was fraught. We must have had three filing cabinets with the child support agency. He constantly tried to weedle out of paying any support. However, I wanted them to interact with their father. It’s their right. In the end, he found a new girlfriend and went too far away to see them and chose not to write or phone. Now, every now and then he pops up for some reason. Once was via a government department asking his children to contact him. This is despite the fact that he has their mobile numbers. They’re adults. They were bemused.

I didn’t put him down. I also didn’t cover for him if he behaved badly. If he didn’t show up, I didn’t make excuses. I just said he wasn’t coming and I was sorry for their hurt and I managed the emotional damage. I didn’t need to put him down. He did that himself and sadly, they now want nothing to do with him. I’ve even encouraged them to keep in touch. I’ve offered to organise for them to visit and even pay for their travel. They don’t want to. My point is you have to take Michelle Obama’s advice. ‘When they go low, you go high’. Your daughter is not blind. She will see what is happening and form her own judgement. Trust in your daughter’s good sense. Children are not fools.

I commend you on your support of your daughter’s need to have a relationship with her dad. You’re doing the right thing. I understand the pain and loneliness when she’s not there. If he is a safe person (not abusive), then you really do just have to accept he won’t encourage contact with you when she’s with him. As she gets older, she knows how to contact you if she needs to. Unless you feel she is unsafe, I wouldn’t try to change the arrangement. My worry is you will look like the unreasonable parent.

When you say keep the kid going to therapy @snowberry what do you mean?
She’s 4 does she need therapy – she seems ok… sometimes she’ll get upset as she wasn’t allowed to call me but her behaviour hasn’t changed in any way and she loves her Dad, plus he’s newly married and she now has a step-sister whose 8 so I know she has a good time. It’s more about me and my rights as a parent.

ha thank you @Earthbound_Misfit – I“m crying after reading your message, highly emotional today – yes Michelle Obama’s advice is the best – I will tattoo that into my mind( and write it on my white board to read every morning)

I just read your additional posts, and yes, this is about you and not her. So you have to manage your own pain. Find things to do while she is away. I really do understand how hard that is. I’ve been there. I hated the weekends and weeks when my children were not with me. The courts will look very dimly on any attempts to reduce her access to her dad. She’s fine there. She’s having fun. You have to find a way to accept this is how things will be. You don’t have a right to be in contact with her when she’s with her dad, and really, if she feels you’re lonely and in pain while she’s away, that will put her under undue stress. She should be able to be with her dad and to focus on him and his family. She shouldn’t be worrying about you. Put on a brave face, make sure she knows how to contact you if she needs you, wave her on her way with a big smile and let her know you’ll look forward to seeing her when she gets back.

I think she should be able to call you, and probably it would just be a two minute “hello mommy I did this today” and not a big deal. Or, does she get upset when she calls you and cry and ask to come home? My assumption is the forme. She sounds like a happy child, and gets along well with both you and your ex.

I can understand why he feels cheated out of time with her, but he’s foolish to worry about a phone call to. My opinion is children have less homesickness when they know they can always call. Still, if you feel confident he would call if she was sick or got hurt, then probably it’s not harming her to not call you through the weekend.

As far as his speaking to you badly verbally and in writing, the stuff in writing you certainly can bring into court and get a court order against him of some sort probably. Or, at least a verbal warning from a judge. However, it probably will result in him just not doing it in writing anymore.

Definitely print out the mean emails and keep it in your stash of things to have if you ever do go to court against him again regarding your child.

Sucky situation. I’d be upset as you are that she can’t just dial you up when she wants too, but if overall she is happy to visit her dad I think you need to somehow handle missing her a little better. Easy to say hard to do.

Ok, so your kid isn’t in therapy, but if an ex is abusive to her mom in some way (verbal abuse eventually escalates into physical abuse) putting her in therapy can help for documenting. Maybe she doesn’t need it now, but it’s worth considering in the future.

https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1475946692&sr=1-1&keywords=patricia+evans+books

And for further insight, you might want to read this: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=WQ2BCZSFB7HYDBB3188A

Yeah I hear you all, thank you – I know there is some logic in me that says – ‘Just deal with it.’ but it doesn’t seem right. It feels unnatural to me and not discounting their relationship but I carried her for 9 months, breastfed her for almost 3 years, she’s my child, and I know she’s his too but he makes no attempt to see her outside of the ‘court order’ and it just frustrates me that he becomes so elitist and cold to me when he has her, plus she’s come back a couple of times saying ‘Lisa doesn’t like you, Mummy, why not?’ – that’s his new wife and that’s not fair either.
It’s so hard as I“m by myself, trying my best with a gorgeous growing child and an ex that doesn’t respect me and resents me as well yet we grew this amazing child together.
agggghhhhhhh.

That would be a great book actually – thank you @snowberry.
Yes, if she really starts to be affected, then I will mention it to my Dr or therapist so there is a paper trail. I don’t want to stop the time he sees her, in fact during holidays it will be even more, I just want better communication – that’s all.

What does your custody agreement say about contact during the period your child is with the other parent?

It doesn’t stipulate anything in particular. It does say he is to have 3 skypes a week, of which he has none, but nothing on my end.

Does your daughter say she is not allowed to call you? has she said that she wants to call you while she is with her father?

Yes, she’s said a couple of times, ‘I wanted to call you but Daddy said I“m not allowed that it’s his time’ – her words.
I just say oh ok… I will chat to Daddy. I“m sure once she’s older she will be in a bit more control but currently… nothing.
She has called once bawling her eyes out saying she wanted me to come pick her up – but I’m sure they all do that at some stage and he got on the phone after and said – ‘she’s fine, she’s just tired.’ – I have to trust him really, I haven no choice plus I realise some people have it much harder than me, but I“m not being anything to him to deserve the lack of respect he shows.

If I email him he’ll just respond saying, everyone thinks you’re controlling and manipulative.
And look maybe I am being controlling by wanting to speak to my daughter – highly unlikely to be manipulative but obviously I have no friends on his side of the fence anymore, plus it should be noted that he had an affair on me when our daughter was 1… so again, nothing on that side either, never did that to him. He just really resents me.

It’s tough without doubt @tan253. Perhaps focusing on making life easier for your daughter will help you manage this. If she picks up (and she will have done already) that there is extreme tension between you both, that’s going to affect her. So as much as possible, you need to try to keep her out of that situation. If she says her step-mother doesn’t like you, I would avoid getting involved in such discussions. ‘Oh well, not everyone is going to like us in life sweetie’ – change subject.

You cannot change him. He wants to hurt you. That’s because he is feeling hurt. You’re both still healing and that can make people mean. So just get on with your life and be a good mum. I had to get my current husband to talk to my ex in the end. We just could not communicate. I used to use email whenever possible, because I could think about what I had to say, I could let it rest before I pressed send, and I had a record of our communication. I avoided phone calls or personal discussions. It also means your daughter doesn’t hear or see those interactions.

I’d recommend organising some formal activities for when she’s away. Take up a painting class. Look at that Meet Up site (I think that’s what its called). Find things to do while she’s away. Find ways to fill the time. You’ll never enjoy it, but it will help it to pass.

I’d encourage you to take your non-custodial time and focus on you, rather than what your daughter is doing on her three days away.

Make sure she knows your phone number.

Don’t get into debates / discussions. Document (by email) your request that your daughter be allowed to contact you while with him, as she contacts him while with you. (Save all the emails for records).

Email / written communication is much better than phone calls. You want records and it helps keep you from getting too emotional about things. Prepare the email – then let it sit for 12/24 hours before sending. Gives you time for the heat to dissipate and to check if the message is really what you want to say.

yeah that’s a good idea, I“m just sitting at home as a single Mum folding her clothes…. so yeah I need a life don’t I outside of being a Mum, I am allowed that! – I hope that maybe one day it will get better. I also think of things like what would happen to her if something happened to me and she lived with her Dad, would he be kind about me?
It’s so hard when you have a child and you split up as the love for a child is unfathomable until you actually have one and then you have to share her with someone that doesnt’ respect you as the mother! ok I’m going to stop dwelling… thank you so much for all your support.

Agreed about email. To further ensure documentation, print out all emails and keep in a safe place.

I haven’t read all the answers yet but my advice is to keep all communications and remember that this is documentation so be very careful how you respond.
This is evidence that you took the higher road in case things escalate in the future.
You hate to think about it but he could try to get custody at some point and this documentation is proof that you are the stable, kind and caring parent.
Three days seems like an eternity but if he can document that you tried to disrupt his visits he could have a case for more visitation.
It sounds like you are keeping the high road in front of your daughter (remember it’s his daughter too) and that is important. Some day she will recognize the situation for what it is and come to her own conclusions. If you have taken the high road she will recognize who the ass hole is without you having to say a word.

@tan253 Does he pay you child support?

In terms of her visits with her father, i think you have to separate her needs from yours. If she wants to call you, she should definitely be able to, but you should not necessarily expect to be involved in their time together or be able to intrude on it. You may want some therapy to figure out to establish the boundaries for yourself.

My kids were older when my Ex and I split so there weren’t custody issues but i still had to work out what were my appropriate needs and what weren’t.

Try to reframe the time apart as time for yourself and figure out some positive things you can do with it instead of laundry.

None of this is easy.

Another exercise is to put yourself in his place. You only get to see her for 3 days every two weeks. You would miss her desperately. Maybe if you have some empathy for his position it will help. I’m not taking his side, he did and does some awful things, but people are complex, they can be crappy about some things and still love and miss their children and that sort of thing.

I don’t know, it often helps me to forgive and be understanding when I can try to identify with the other person’s own pain.

I would just keep behaving like the more reasonable and peaceful parent, which your daughter will observe and make her own judgements about.

I would not escalate, especially not to a lawyer. I have never seen unnecessary family law suits end well, and I have not heard of good stories from lawyers.

I would try not to engage the ex at all unless it seems helpful.

I would be grateful that it’s not worse than you described. There are so many worse levels it could go to.