Heartbroken about the loss of friendships in my late-20s (Not sure if First-World Problem or legit.)

People change, for better and for worse, your old “friends” sound like they have changed too and not for the better. Friends fade away, sometimes they or we make conscious choices to stop being friends and all you can do is move on and move up. Do not waste your time trying to fix things, you tried reaching out and were met with not only hostility but a clear lack of interest in trying to work out your differences. Do some serious self evaluation as well, ARE you a vapid bitch?

Have you done or said bitchy things? Do your friends have any legitimate complaints that are tough for you to face up to? I vote for letting things go and take a wait and see approach but don’t waste any more time trying to work things out with people that are not willing to meet you halfway. new friends will show up when the time is right, you can’t force anything, just be friendly and open and see what happens. Very, very few relationships last forever, don;t fall into the forever trap, with any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

Hold on loosely and let go when it’s time to let go.

Friendships from childhood or teenage years rarely survive adulthood. I have only one friend from high school that I am still friends with and we went through a bad time for about 2 years and only recently got back to our old selves with each other.
People grow and change and that’s the main reason friendships fail. I understand that you don’t make friends easily, but from what you have said about these old “friends” I don’t understand why you would want to stay friends with them. They are not your friends.
I would just move on and as you meet new people in your life, decide which ones you want to pursue a friendship with. Look for people that have the same interests as you and aren’t catty and bitchy. Those are the people to leave in your dust.

Sorry to tell you this, but….....you never had friends. Someone who calls you a vapid bitch is not a friend. A person who lashes at you because you took time to be with your boyfriend is not a friend either.

The only thing you can do is to let it go. It may seem devastating to realize that you are alone now, but it’s better to be alone than with people who just pose as friends.

Don’t give up. Struggles will always await you and your partner, but you have to keep fighting. Eventually, it will pay off. You and your boyfriend have each other. Maybe you should try starting some small business, or somehow get by together.

As for gaining friends, it comes naturally. You seem like a nice person, I’m sure you’ll find company. Let these past experiences teach you how to deal with others and not make friends with such people again, and make friends with people who are worthy of it instead.
Have you tried joining some sort of clubs or social networks, based on your hobbies or some preferences? Try finding people with same interests as you, it’s easier to start contacting with people if you talk about things you both like or common tastes and experiences.

@Coloma

I don’t think I’m a vapid bitch. The “friend” who said that has a tendency to be uncharitable to other women and would even say the same about someone who wear lipstick or dyes their hair. I know that fur offends her sensibilities but I’ve been considering letting her go for a while after she made some other nasty/judgy comments about me. I’ve always been kind and supportive to her so that’s just the thanks I get.

The other two friends have both been unlucky in love for a number of reasons and that seems to affect how they see me. The one is perpetually nasty and emotionally abusive to her partners and the other projects all of her problems onto others. They can enjoy each other as far as I’m concerned.

@Sneki95

Thanks. I’m going to start attending networking events and other fun things. My partner and I are also creating a Skeeball League this winter that we’re hoping people will enjoy. It’ll be nice to maybe reconnect with some people in my city who are kind of on my social periphery.

This isn’t the first time you’ve posted about your so-called friends. If these people were stock investments, I’d advise you to buy at 18 and sell before 30. Meaning, your youthful relationships once served purposes in your life but, now that you’re in your late-20s, it’s time to move on and meet some quality adults. I think I know you, and I have no doubt that I like you very much. I hope you can find some face-to-face friends who’ll value you just as much.

Thanks @Love_my_doggie You almost made me cry! :’)

@LeavesNoTrace My daughter just turned 29 last week and she has a live in BF of several years. It is a good relationship and they are well matched it seems.
She also has made new friends at her work in the last several years but, she too, has had problems with some of her old, long time friends kinda of fading away, flaking out, etc.
What’s really funny is that she has become really good friends with her ex room mate and they have just booked a European trip together for next May.

This friend and her are night and day but they blend really well.
W. is adorable but a bit of an airhead and a party girl but also very sweet.
My daughter is super sharp, articulate, intellectual and doesn’t have a ditzy bone in her body but they hook up well. My point is, sometimes, you find a friend in the most unlikely of people and places.

Why not try to find some other, new couples to hang out with that both you and your boyfriend/fiance can get to know? Best of both worlds, guy friends, girl friends, couples friends.

@Coloma That’s fabulous!

We are planning to form a Thursday night skeeball league with NYC social. We’re going to invite some friends and acquaintances and hoping they’ll extend the invite to theirs as well. Hopefully, it’ll be fun. :)

As they say, “With friends like that, who needs enemies?”
And only since you put it on the table-it is indeed a First-World problem.

I wouldn’t call it a first world problem. Feelings of friendship and rejection run very deep. My only advice is to be honest with people. Let them see the you behind the glamour and share your problems and worries in real life as you have online.

Quick answer, because I have a few friends that are acting a little strange and different. Blame the “Don” and the whole election.

Stuff like this drives me crazy. You’re young, pretty enough to be paid for your looks, have a boyfriend (with a job) who loves and cherishes you, and it sounds as though both you and the boyfriend are in good health. If your big problem is that the friends from your loser days now choose to suffer without you, you are correct in believing you’re overthinking this. If your “friend” is ready to kick you aside for modeling fur, congratulate her on her commitment to principles and move on.

Sounds like these are growing pains. You are outgrowing your childhood friends. It’s very common and it happens to everyone to a degree. You also need to learn to agree to disagree with people, especially (most importantly) those you care about. Rehashing old disagreements on topics (like fur) isn’t going to help any relationship. If it is something she can’t get over and is going to resort to name calling, she needs to do the growing up. You don’t owe her an apology or to change your standards. You aren’t being a hypocrite.
I have serious political differences of opinion with some of my friends. The ones worth keeping are the ones that can still hold a conversation without melting down. Friends are happy for your successes. Friends celebrate your happiness and accomplishments. Anything else and they are showing signs of jealousy and have their own unhappy issues they need to deal with. I think you understand this quite well already from the things you have written here. It is hard to let go of people sometimes. I moved around the world twice and did leave people behind. The ones I keep in touch with now are my real friends. One of them is a girl who used to pick on my in high school, but we’ve both come to find that the challenges we’ve faced as adults has brought us together as friends now. Life is funny like that. Your time and energy is your own. In my case, it’s limited, so I’m careful how I spend both. Cherish yourself and build a life you can cherish. It’s our face we see when we look in the mirror and when you can’t look at yourself with pride, it’s a hard image to deal with.

@stanleybmanly Thanks. I know that I should be happy for what I have—and I am. It’s just tough when people I thought were on my side, so to speak, are actually rather toxic and unsupportive the moment things start to not suck for me anymore.

As for the friend who is miffed about the fur, it’s also not the first issue I’ve had with her being nasty. I can’t play armchair psychologist, but part of the reason I’ve tolerated her attitude for so long is because I’ve suspected she may be dealing with depression or mental illness. However, I’m realizing now that I can’t help her—especially not from 1,700 miles away and if she’s going to be hostile to me.

The other friend who lashed out about the engagement has a documented history of mental illness and yeah…same thing. I thought I could help her by being a good supportive friend and personal cheerleader, but apparently, I was wrong.

@cazzie These growing pains feel especially painful. These people have been like family to me for most of my life. I’ve never had a close-knit family and considering that my mom is dead and that I went no-contact with my abusive father—this was as close as I had for a long time.

It also makes me feel conflicted because it’s obvious that jealousy is key here but to actually call it for what it is would only make me look like the bad guy. I mean, if someone told me “All my friends are jealous of me” my inward reaction would be “And what makes you think YOU’RE so wonderful?” It’s kind of a no-win situation.

My one friend said that she’s angry because I “gloat” about my life. But that’s simply not true. For someone who posts about every mundane detail of her life on social media, she really has no room to talk. It’s just that I curate my presence a little more and choose only to share moments that are special and that my friends and family who are happy for me would actually like to see (dancing with my BF at a wedding, a couple of nice photos from a vacation, a nice NYC street scene etc.) Why should I be ashamed of my happiness and why should I hide myself? Should I untag every photo someone posts of me smiling or looking nice so as not to make them feel bad?

Like I said, it feels like a no-win, damned if I do/damned if I don’t situation with these people. Some distance might be the only way to conserve my self-esteem and sanity. Already I’ve unintentionally lost 10 lbs from stress and I’ve been grinding my teeth in my sleep.