How do you perceive my friend's strange obsession with Sandy Hook?
An old childhood friend of mine has had a peculiar fascination with the Sandy Hook shooting since it happened four years ago. She’s always been into kind of morbid stuff like crime documentaries, which isn’t that weird but I feel like she takes this way too far and it honestly, it gives me the absolute creeps.
She has read just about every book and every article written about the killer and the horrible thing he did. She also used to entertain some pretty distasteful (in my opinion) conspiracy theories about it being a hoax and the families being “grief actors” etc.
In the year after the shooting, she also drove 5 hours to Sandy Hook from our hometown at least twice to rubberneck the tragedy and try to meet people who were affected—law enforcement, victims’ families, survivors, etc. I guess she would just hang out in coffee shops or other public places until someone who looked familiar showed up and would ask them questions. It’s a small town so it wouldn’t be long until a familiar face would turn up. She’s not a journalist nor is she writing a story or working on a project about the event. She’s just an obsessed “fan” of sorts who has a keen fascination with this particular human wreckage.
In the past few years, she’s connected with one or two of the victims’ parents on FB, and I guess keeps in touch with them here in there. From what she tells me, it seems like she messages them to weedle out information and gruesome details under the guise of “concern”. (Gross) Frankly, I think her behavior is exploitive, and her concern is disingenuous. These people’s tragedy is a spectacle to her and her fascination is more from morbid curiosity than wanting to “help” them.
Worse yet, my partners’ niece attends school where Sandy Hook used to be (they tore down the old school and rebuilt a nice new one) so it kind of hits close to home. Every time she posts a status about Sandy Hook or posts something about the families, I feel kind of sick and uncomfortable.
Am I wrong to think this is inappropriate and potentially psychologically exploitive of her? I can’t quite put my finger on it but what she’s doing just seems…wrong.
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I live not far from there and we’re there all the time. We were there last night for dinner. I’m involved in some community groups there and I can assure you the average citizen there doesn’t want sympathy and doesn’t talk about the shooting at all, except maybe in reference here and there.
Your friend sounds lonely. I’m not sure.
“Am I wrong to think this is inappropriate and potentially psychologically exploitive of her?”
No. She is way too obsessed with it, and insensitive to the victims’ families as well.
Is she connected to the crime somehow? Like, a relative of one of the victims or something like that? This is just wrong and morbid…
@jca I’d imagine you’re 100% right. A really bad thing happened to real people. I cannot believe she would think this is somehow a smart or even OK to do.
@Sneki95 No! She has no connection whatsoever. We’re from Upstate NY, far away from CT…
What’s sad is that the people your friend is contacting probably think she is interested in them personally, and meanwhile she’s just like a celebrity watcher, (even though that’s not really the right term for it).
Honest, I’m curious, not joking, is she pro- or anti-gun control?
@jca It is sad and honestly makes me angry. I think it’s really offensive and kind of wish that one of the family members would tell her to take a hike and butt out.
@Pachy Your question is totally relevant. She actually has a gun of some sort and TBH I’m not sure if her firearm is even legal but don’t get me started on that.
Far from me to accuse anyone of anything, but it would probably not be such a bad idea to notify someone about this, like school or her parents or someone of authority. Just in case.
It is really weird to be so much interested in a school shooting, and having a weapon does not make things any more innocent.
Is she writing a book about Sandy Hook and other shootings?
@Sneki95 I totally understand why you would say that. I know it doesn’t sound good. I do not believe she is a threat to anyone. But I do think that she enjoys drama and needs to get a life.
This is a person I’ve known my entire life and have been close to. However, after a falling out with another friend where she denied I was sexually assaulted (classy) and took the others party’s side (a certified formal mental patient) I’ve been putting some distance between us.
Seeing her post an SH anniversary status where she tagged a surviving family member today jjust made my blood run cold and reminded me of why I should perhaps move on from this person.
These types of events can bring out the ghoul in some people. I would say this has become something of an obsession for her from your description. If she’s a close friend, perhaps you can ask her why she’s so interested and broach some of your concerns. It does seem that she has an unhealthy interest.
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@Earthbound_Misfit I’ve brought it up in the past and she didn’t understand why it was a problem. Others have brought it to her attention too. She’s the sort of person that when she has an obsession she can’t let it go. Otherwise, she seems totally “normal” too. Charming, makes friends easily. She’s not an introvert or an outward weirdo but this certainly gives me pause.
I kind of wanted to say something to her about it today. My partner saw her status and kind of bristled at it since he has close family in that community. However, she and I have been on kind of thin ice lately and it would probably add gas to a potential fire.
Then I think you need to just leave her to it. You might not like it, and you might not think some of her behaviours are appropriate, but beyond pointing them out to her, if she’s no danger to herself or others, leave her to it. Why do you need to involve yourself?
If your friend had already been interested in this type of “true crime tragedy” beforehand, as you indicated, then it’s not so strange that this would hold a particular fascination for her. After all, it was an incredibly tragic and major ‘newsworthy’ event, and it happened geographically not too far from where you are. This would not be so different in reality, I suppose, from a European visiting the Nazi death camps of WWII, or many other Americans who travel great distances to visit Civil War battlefields to view them and “take them in”.
And after all, this was very recent history. Not at all as remote as a Civil War battlefield that hasn’t seen violent conflict in over 150 years.
I agree that her obsessive interest seems somewhat morbid and bizarre “to me” also, but I’m not going to judge your friend as in any way deviant or dangerous because of her particular fascination, or even the offbeat ways that she pursues her interest. (I live only about an hour away from the site, and while I travel through Newtown / Sandy Hook fairly frequently – and even closer to Cheshire, too, the site of another grisly murder scene that made national headlines – I have never been tempted to travel off my normal path to seek out “the scenes of the crimes”. Does that make me “weirdly disinterested”? I don’t think so, and I don’t much care what others think about that, either.)
I would suggest that you continue to interact with your friend as you normally do and reserve judgement. If you think that her obsession starts to veer into unsafe or dangerous territory (for her or for any of the people that she contacts), then certainly you should alert local (and Newtown) authorities and fill them in on your concerns. But I’m sure that the Newtown police are already – still – filled up to here with “lookie-lous” just like her, and unless you see a credible threat of some kind, I would just recommend writing this off as one of your friend’s idiosyncracies.
I sympathize with her that she fell for one of the greatest hoaxes contrived by men. There is more holes in that alleged incident than a spaghetti colander. Some will avoid or deny the evidence because how they feel they will perceive because of what the powers that be behind it want you to fell, but she is chasing a dust devil that will never be caught and is not truly there.
@CWOTUS I see what you’re saying. When I visited another friend in CO, we happened to drive by Columbine H.S. and the JonBenet Ramsey house (which is actually really nice). I’d be lying if I didn’t look on with some interest.
I think from my perspective where it gets inappropriate isn’t the visiting of the town to see the “scene of the crime” it’s that she seeks out people who are still emotionally vulnerable and seems to exploit their emotions to feel “closer” to the tragedy if that makes sense. In my opinion, that’s being an emotional vampire and potentially compounding someone’s existing trauma whether she means to or not.
I’ve stopped talking about this particular touchy subject with her, and she knows that most of her friends don’t agree with this.I just remember feeling a particular pang when she would act victorious after extracting another juicy tidbit from one little boy’s father who was willing to engage her. (I think he may be attracted to her and flattered by the attention from a charming young woman but I digress…) This is one of the few affected people who will speak to her (the others understandably avoid her like the plague), but this guy seems extremely vulnerable still, and I hate to think that she’s impeding the healing of a grieving parent.
However, like you said, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’d rather not get involved and was just more seeking other perspectives on this behavior rather than recommended actions.
Your friend is a voyeur and a predator. Stay away from her.
Seriously, I’m having a hard time finding words to describe how utterly repulsive her behavior is, and I can’t believe there are people here suggesting you remain friends. She’s going hours out of her way to drive to Newton to harass the parents of the victims? What the fucking fuck?
I have a friend who is a notorious collector of serial killer memorabilia.
Harassing victims is a firm no-no.
@AnonymousAccount8 “What the fucking fuck?” pretty much sums up my reaction to her behavior. She used to be a great friend but in light of how she’s been treating me this past year, this kind of underscores some things I may have overlooked about her character in the past.
@Seek She would probably argue that they enjoy speaking to her. I still think it’s a firm no-no. People should be allowed space to heal away from prying eyes and ears. They have friends and family to talk to—not weirdos from FB.
@LeavesNoTrace you mentioned she has a gun – do you know if she takes it with her on these excursions to Connecticut?
Perhaps she has a form of hybristophilia. I would keep away from her personally.
@AnonymousAccount8 No. I genuinely don’t think so. I agree she is a voyeur and an emotioal predator but I don’t believe she’s violent.
@LornaLove Yikes.
Actually, my dad, whenever he was in LA, could not stop himself from going up into the hills and driving by the house where the Manson murders occurred.
I was with him once or twice and I finally had to read a book about it.
It seemed to resonate with him. And the truth is, I occasionally do the same thing, even though they tore the house down a long time ago.
Sounds like the same thing.
Who knows why
@josie What you’re describing is run-of-the-mill rubbernecking, which I think most people do. Same thing when I looked out the window curious to see the site of the Columbine shooting or JonBenet murder. It was right there and we didn’t have to go out of our way to find it, nor did we pester anyone about it.
But I wouldn’t conflate you and your dad checking out the Manson house with what my friend is up to. She has a weird fascinating with Sandy Hook. Collects memorabilia, has every book on the subject. Has taken a day’s drive more than once to go and seek out the family members and other affected parties. And then she ingratiates herself to some of the more emotionally unstable/vulnerable ones to collect gory details “from the source”.
Yes, it makes my stomach turn.
Yeah, your friend does seem “overly” obsessed – if we’re going to make judgments – and her behavior comes very close to the “harassment” that @Seek rightly decries, but as long as she isn’t being violent or fraudulent, especially in some way that extracts value from the people that she contacts, then I’m still inclined to consider her “harmless, even if off-putting”, or “mostly harmless”, as the late Douglas Adams would have put it.
What the fuck is up with these responses? She is a stalker. She drives five hours out of her way to wait in cafes for people she recognizes from tv to show up and then harasses them until they give up the juiciest details about their personal tragedy. She targets those who are still vulnerable and emotionally unstable to victimize this way. There’s no way she’s not doing harm to them.
Even though what she’s doing is not “right,” it doesn’t sound like the people (the parents of the victims) consider what she’s doing to be harassment, @AnonymousAccount8. If they considered her a bother, I’m sure they’d report her to the police.
When I was 25 my boyfriend committed suicide. I had a friend that asked me about it every single time I talked to her. It was not “you doing ok.” She wanted details and asked the same things over and over. I finally dumped her as a friend. No one wants to be asked those kinds of questions from friends or strangers. They are just trying to satisfy their own morbid curiosity.
@jca there could be a lot of reasons why they haven’t told her to fuck off yet, preoccupation with their own problems being one of them. That doesn’t mean that she’s not bothering them.
@AnonymousAccount8 I hear ya.
My mom passed away under some pretty sad circumstances four years ago, and there was a lot of emotional fallout in my family because of it. (They were pretty dysfunctional even before she got sick.) While it doesn’t fall into nearly the same category of this, I dealt with—and still do—more than a few rubberneckers who suddenly took an interest in me after my life seemed to implode.
My two nosy, judgmental aunts who HATED my mother seem to take particular glee in wanting to know every unpleasant detail about her illness, my abusive childhood, my abusive ex, and the dissolution of my parents’ marriage. I still can’t bring myself to tell them to fuck off. It would be rude. But sometimes I want to.
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