Can you ever really love someone again after they cheated on you?

Not to be flip, but the big secret is that it’s up to you to find out. Only you can decide whether she’s worth the effort to attempt to tough it out. Good luck!

You may forgive her and find love again but I doubt you can ever really trust her again.

I think you’re right SQUEEKY2.
She would have to completely change her lifestyle for me to ever trust her again and I don’t want to have to keep tabs on someone like a parole officer the rest of my life.

Why did she cheat on you in the first place? Can you understand what led to her cheating? Had you been working long hours? Was she drunk? For me, what motivated the cheating would influence whether I could forgive the person and move on. Cheating is usually a symptom of something missing from the relationship. What part did you play in that? And why do you want her back? What is it about her that makes you even consider trying again?

If you’re to succeed, I would think some counselling would be essential. You want to make sure whatever went wrong last time is resolved or history is likely to repeat itself. She might not cheat, but one of you will leave.

Yeah, I’ve explored all of these issues.
The truth is that she started working in another town, we saw each other less, we drifted apart, she started texting guys and eventually started cheating.
She has an issue with lying.

I’m trying to move on, but sometimes I wonder if I could accept someone’s cheating snd still love them?
If that’s possible?
I really just need space from her and possibly to date a little.
Hopefully once I meet someone new I can focus on a healthier relationship.

It sounds like you already have moved on. You’ve already made the decision about whether you can trust her again, and it sounds as though you can’t. If you were living and working in different towns, I can see how it would be easy to drift apart. Perhaps she had emotionally already left the relationship, even if she hadn’t acknowledged that she had.

While you are planning to find someone else, try not to taint your future relationship with this experience. You might not like that she cheated, but if you look at it quite logically, it’s not so hard to understand why it happened. Don’t carry any resentment forward to a new relationship.

That’s good advice, thank you.
I’m trying to get along with her expecially since we have a child, but we do live separately and are now not together.
I still crave her sometimes and I start imagining scenarios where we could be together, but I always get angry the more I think about her so I guess it’s f_cked!
Pardon my language.

Lots of people do.

Think of all the marriages where one or the other has had an affair, or a one night stand, or a long term relationship. The spouses work it out, and figure out how to stay together.

Only you, though, as @stanleybmanly pointed out, can answer what will work for you.

Is it possible? yes.

The thing is, it’s such an individual thing. It’s not a one size fits all question /answer situation.

I’m personally a fan of open relationships but it has to be discussed and agreed on at the beginning of the relationship – and both/all partners are responsible for telling the other/s if there’s a change in their feelings about it.

You could always explore this more thoroughly in therapy and maybe, if you’re feeling like you’re considering reuniting with your wife, you could bring her into the therapy to discuss issues together.

Thanks guys.
We did get back together for a while and I had to put aside a lot of hard feelings just to be with her.
I would lay awake next to her at night and just be disgusted by what she’d done.
We argued and she started being distant and not talking to me much and I told her not to cheat on me, just end it rather Than hurting me over and over.

She denied that she was cheating, but then said that she’s done.
That hurt a lot after everything we went through to get back together.
I love her, but I’m traumatized and I do not trust her.
I’m sad because I miss her, but I hate her.

Sometimes speaking to a therapist isn’t about trying to save a relationship; it’s about finding a way to move on from a relationship. It seems as though you need someone to help you make the transition from this relationship. I really would suggest you find a therapist you feel comfortable with to help you deal with your grief and heal. You are grieving right now. You’re grieving and dealing with the residual resentment from your partner’s cheating.

I may need professional help or maybe just to fall in love with a woman that values me.
Anyway, I just cried a little from this conversation.
I don’t think I ever did cry since I found out about her cheating I’ve just been in shock for months and I’ve been trying to be strong for my son.
It could be the Rye and Coke, but it really feels good to cry about this.
Thanks.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like she took you for granted and used you. That’s a shitty thing to do to a person, especially when you have a child together. I agree that seeing a professional might be helpful to get you to the point where you can trust other women again. Best wishes moving on.

Yes you can. Too bad there’s no app for that.

I don’t know. It depends on how I feel. I can’t control who I love.

I know what I would do.

Cut her loose.

Never speak to her again.

To me,it’s an unforgivable offense.

It’s the ultimate violation of trust.

To answer your question….yes I believe you can love that person again but it won’t happen easily and you have to want to make this relationship work again. I would start by ruling out divorce as an option. You also have a child together and raising a child can be very difficult and can be kryptonite to any relationship which undoubtedly means you have to find that extra energy AND make time for each other.

Why did you 2 drift apart? That takes both of you giving up on each other especially you. Women need attention and need to feel loved, as well as safe, protected and provided for. Time for introspective soul searching. What do you really want?

Trust is everything in a marriage relationship but I believe it can survive and ding and a dent if you 2 are able to communicate, be open to discussing your relationship openly and honestly and that means the talking about the good in your relationship and the bad (why you 2 drifted apart and the ugly (alleged cheating).

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but a strong loving marriage is possible if you 2 want it and want to put in the effort to make it work.

Lastly, can you learn from your mistakes and make your marriage work? Can you accept your mistakes and make that decision to get a divorce? If you do move on and find another woman….will you be confident to make those same mistakes again?

We actually did go through all those steps.
We talked about everything and explored my part in resenting her for lying and accumulating debt and not being home much.
I pushed her away hoping she’d feel bad and try to check back in to being a wife and mother. Instead she just looked to other men for attention and sex and reassurance that she’s wonderful.
We had terrible communication and a total relationship breakdown.
We were together over 15 years and after she cheated it just felt like shit no matter what we tried.
I told her I’d try as long as she did and she tried to be transparent for a few months, but me forgiving her wasn’t going as quickly or perfectly as she wanted.
I still resented her at times so she quit trying and kinda started being shady again and then dumped me again.

I feel like she uses me.
I feel like lying is just way too easy for her.
I feel like I never really knew who she was.
I thought we had each others back and would die for each other even when we went through hard times in our marriage.
I’m just in awe of how f_cked up everything got and how going back and truely loving that person again seems impossible even when I want to.

@Ryan_Coke: There are two sides to every story and not to say I doubt anything you are saying, because I don’t and your feelings are valid, but if you both went to therapy, you’d find out her side of the story. The therapist would hear it all and you’d both get private sessions, too. Not that your wife’s cheating is justified, but she surely has a side to this story that may explain things. Maybe, after you tried to get back together and she continued to cheat, there’s some things she may want to explain to you. Therapy may make you feel worse, it may make you feel better, but at least you’d hash out the issues with a third party.

You’re definitely right jca.
I guess I have to want to go through all that therapy.
When she tells me all about how she cheated and who she was with I get so hurt.
I feel kinda like she’s not that sorry about it at least not all the time and that she kinda only wants to be with me because we have a child.
I’m still so attracted to her physically and I still think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but I’m convinced that she’s not the right person for me.
I’m drawn to her like a magnet, but I take so much shit just to function living with her that I honestly felt abused at times.
She’s trying to be a better mom now and I’m so thankful for that.

Maybe if she comes back again and really actually misses me I can go through therapy with her, but for now I don’t feel like she really wants me anymore.

I guess I want to have an idealistic almost movie like connection with a woman.
I’m a romantic.
My ex wife just kinda lives in the moment and will do whatever suits her best regardless of consequences.
We are truely opposites.

Who knows if anyone’s marriage is really perfect or if any couple actually loves each other the way I’m looking for.
Sometimes I think I’m delusional and that I should just give up.

I could get back with her, but making love to her the way I used to like she wants is gonna be disingenuous.
I see her more like a porn star now.
It’s the only way I can have sex with her without hating myself.

@Ryan_Coke When you write “I pushed her away hoping she’d feel bad and try to check back in to being a wife and mother. ” You should not be overly surprised she cheated on you.

You are also confusing me now…You opened with this question about your wife and your marriage, your last comment you called her your ex-wife. Then you objectify this woman by referring to her as a “porn star”. You are revealing yourself to be bitter and selfish and certainly do not know how to respect and treat a woman properly. You pushed her away now accept the consequences of your actions.

In the 15 years I was with her I never so much as kissed another woman.

She pushed me away plenty also and was physically abusive at times in front of our child.
She didn’t just have a fling she cheated for years with multiple men.
Give me a break about thinking of her like a porn star that just has sex with no feeling.
It’s the nicest of the things I call her in my head.
I still treat her very well and I’m still a good father and II’m doing the best I can not to kill myself.

Dude, cut your losses. You’re likely not going to get over this with her in the picture. Being free of a relationship like this may be the most liberating thing you ever do for yourself. It’s 1000x better to be single than in a bad relationship. Be there for your kid, get custody if possible. It’s a bitter pill but it will make you well again. Try not to get down on yourself. Look forward to some new beginings.

Thanks.

Can you? Certainly. You can love someone who’s cheated on you. You can even love someone you don’t particularly like or get along with. The real question is whether or not you can trust them. And it’s a question only you can answer for yourself. If you cannot then it’s time to move on, because no relationship can be healthy and functional without trust.

Now for your own part, if you want to remain with this woman and for this relationship to succeed you have to be willing to forgive and to willing to allow yourself to trust her again. And it doesn’t sound like you are, so it’s probably best for all (yourself, her and your child) to end it, once and for all, so that all of you can begin to move on with your lives.