How do you deal with your aging parents? (details below)

I understand this is a heartbreaking situation.
It sounds like their minds are fine, but they are losing their physical abilities, though it isn’t clear if your Mom’s mind is 100%, due to the stress of your Dad’s fall. Trust me, they are aware of their weakening, and are terrified of losing their independence.
Reassure them. Let them know you want them happy. I remember every time I would say goodbye to my Mom, after visiting her in her house, I would be afraid the next time I’d see her, she’d be dead at the bottom of the stairs. Let them know your concern is for them. Let them help with a solution.

Thanks, @filmfann…that has been my intent all along. I guess what I am really struggling with is how my siblings are treating the situation, and what I should do, if anything, about that.

@Lonelyheart807 I feel for you and don’t have any easy answers. Luckily, my sibs and I, who are not particularly close, were in agreement as my parents declined. I do feel it is worth speaking to yours about including your parents as much as possible in any decision making and letting theh hold on to what independence they can. If they don’t agree, you can just do your best to show respect for your parents and help them as you can to keep their dignity.

Thanks, @janbb…I have spoken to them, and they definitely do not agree. I DO NOT like the “underhandedness” that I feel is going on, and though I don’t want to cause any rifts in the family, I have wondered if I should make my parents aware of the conversations taking place. I feel they have the right to know if certain family members are conspiring against them in any way…a strong word, that (conspiring), but it is almost getting to that point.

The ironic thing is I think my parents could maybe just use a little extra help with some household tasks…and the two siblings who are trying to take over are the ones contributing the least in this area. They step in when there is an emergency (like my dad’s recent fall), but don’t seem to have the time to contribute on the more mundane things, which would probably help a lot with my mom being so tired out. The fourth sibling and myself are the ones who go over and do the yard work, and help with the gardening, and climb up and change light bulbs, etc. I get that one lives 40 minutes away, and the other is very busy with her job, but I still can’t help but feel that they are not doing their “fair share” (however one could determine that).

Got it – that’s tough. Maybe you should talk to your parents and possibly even consult a counselor or lawyer. Nobody should be able to make decisions for your parents unless or until they are deemed incompetent and have given power of attorney. The question for you is how far are you willing to go in possibly causing a breech with your two other sibs? i sthe ohter one who does help more on your side or could you enlist their support?

@janbb…I probably will involve the fourth sibling at some point. My only hesitation is she overreacts way too much on issues, instead of handling things with a level head, so that I want to give serious thought as to how to approach the issue. Although I do not want to cause any rifts between family members, I feel very strongly about my parents’ rights being compromised, so that if need be, it will come to that. It’s kind of funny (in a sad way) in that for years I have been realizing how controlling my sister is, although it has manifested itself in subtle ways…and yet I never considered that it would translate itself in this way.

I believe in not interfering with adults unless there is some clear and present danger. I agree that it is underhanded and more than a little controlling on behalf of your siblings to think, without reasonable cause, ( a car accident, overdrawn checking acct unpaid bills, etc. ) that your parents are somehow incompetent simply because their physical state is more fragile than it used to be. My elderly neighbors are turning 88 and 87 this year and they both still drive, cook, the older gentleman still gardens, drives his backhoe around, stacks firewood, putters in his workshop. Everyone around here keeps an eye on them, and him, when he is outside doing stuff but his 4 adult kids in their 60’s do not interfere and allow them both the dignity to continue doing what they can.

Maybe suggest to your siblings pitching in for some domestic help a few hours a week and that person can give you status reports now and then. Don’t let your siblings push you or your folks around. It is a fine line with aging people to discern between truly helping and preserving their dignity vs. treating them like incompetent children.

Talk to your parents. Find out how they are feeling about things – what they need/want help with, what they feel they are able to continue handling. My father is 86 and made the decision to move to a retirement home as he didn’t want to maintain the house/large yard anymore. It was the right decision for him – and he is the one who needed to make the decision.

I would consult your parents regarding their thoughts and wishes. It might be a relief to them. Maybe they have been afraid to start a discussion themselves.
I would avoid mentioning the difficulties posed by your siblings. That could be quite painful, and possibly avoided.
Check out the legal rights and responsibilities for you and your parents. Sneaky, controlling people often start legal actions and don’t let anyone know until required.
This is a tough thing you face. Such things are easier if you have a friend or group you can air your frustrations with. Also, taking action gives you power, which makes you feel less like a victim, so move forward with whatever you decide will work best for your situation.
If you have no one to air your thoughts with, get a doll, or teddy bear. Seriously. They are not for kids only. A well loved one from a yard sale or thrift shop would have lots of experience and compassion.
I hope you find a comfortable path for you and your parents.

I have almost a similar situation with my inlaws. She doesn’t drive but he does. No one wants to take his license away but he has gotten lost on more than one occasion on his way home from getting gas or the local store. Last time he actually drove to another state. Both times he was very frightened. His vision is also getting poor and his reaction time is extremely slow. He has been in a number of accidents over the years but it seems everyone is just hoping he doesn’t kill someone or himself. He should not have a license. Yet, with the exception of myself and my husband, no one is willing to talk to him about giving up his license or reporting him.
He gets really angry with us when we mention it. They are both getting frail and have made numerous misjudgments over the years. They have even been tricked by con people twice. Yet everyone wants to let them live out their years without any guidance.
Being the perfect son or daughter does not mean letting them be taken advantage of or letting them do as they please, even if it means injuring themselves or someone else.

I understand. I to will not want someone to tell me what to do when I am old, but if in my ignorance I may pose as a danger to others, then don’t shy away. In my right mine I can tell you that I don’t want my freedom to cause someone else’s life. Nor do I want to be thrown in jail later in my life or die with that on my conscious.

If your parents are doing well alone perhaps you and your family can see about getting an elderly care provider who can visit daily and take them shopping or take care of some things. And ask them if they will be ok with opening a joint bank account with one or two of you, who will see that their bills are paid on time. You can set up to have their bills paid automatically with their bank and one of you keep track on the amount in the account to make sure there are no overdrafts.
They will still have control, they just don’t have to bother with the everyday details they may over look.
So basically it’s like being the executor of their finances. It’s a good idea to set this into place before one of them passes away. This way, if one dies the other one can be taken care of while they are grieving. No one likes to think of this but these things can be difficult if you wait until they are too far gone to make decisions like this.
Then the state gets to decide for them. That will be hell and time consuming.
My husband has seen several of his work mates lose one parent and have to travel back and forth to make arrangements that should’ve been done when both parents were in better health and mind.
There was one lady I knew who had made all sorts of arrangements about her dad passed away and her and her siblings didn’t have to do a thing except her mom move. Everything was being taken care of by one of the siblings since their dad fell ill for months before and they already had decided who mom was going to live with and still maintain her independence.

My parents were super fit when my dad found out he had cancer and died. My mom was on her own at 80 yrs old still working RealEstate, play golf 3 times a week and despite her amazing help I suggested she get the First Alert pendant dealy. She wanted no part of that. 6 months later she had a dizzy spell that was sufficiently bad where she called her best friend to come sit with her for 2 hours. 4 months later while on a shopping trip to Wallmart she passes out wakes up in an ambulance. Long story short a brain tumor was ruling the show. She passed 2 months later.

Not sure what the gist of my message is…you can try and do what seems to be the right thing to do at the moment but in the end it almost never goes the way you expected…so expect the unexpected is my advice.

@Pandora has it. But if you should decide to b come signers on their accounts to help with paying bills and other financial decisions, make sure the same person doesn’t have medical power of attorney as well. That’s the sort of thing that attorneys look for whenever there is elderly abuse. You certainly don’t want to set yourself up for that kind of nightmare when all you really want to do is the right thing. I have lived it and I know what I’m talking about,

And I think to do what you’re talking about to become a second signer on the account you actually have to have a legal contract drawn up but I can’t remember what it’s called. I think one of the main reasons is to help prevent elder abuse because you really do have permission.

I remember now. It’s durable power of attorney.