Is being passive / aggressive always the wrong way to handle things?

I don’t think it always is. Sometimes it can be a peaceful means of resolving an issue.

The question was prompted by a post in a Social Q page on Facebook:

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My husband is disabled and needs care round the clock. We have a live-in aide who works 7 am to 4 pm M-F and then I take over after I get home from work at 4 pm for the rest of the night and 24/7 from Friday at 4 until Monday at 6 am.

In November, I was suddenly and unexpectedly extremely ill with MRSA which required 3 surgeries on my leg plus 12 days in the hospital. After I was discharged I was in the odd position of needing 24/7 myself because I was ordered to total and complete bed rest until the very large wound on my leg healed (mostly). Because of this, I stayed at my nearby parents house for 5 weeks until I could at least walk with a cane (and massive limp!).

Because of my absence, my mother in law came down to take care of my husband for two weekends (others did the other weekends) and our aide worked 24/7 every weekday. (One can sleep 9 pm to 9 am, he just needs someone in the house at night in case of a fire or other emergency).

Upon my return home recently, I discovered that my MIL had taken it upon herself while she was here in our home to rearrange the things (not furniture, stuff) in our master bedroom, the master closet and the kitchen. She also brought her label maker and labeled everything in sight (I half expected my husband to have a label with his name on his chest!). She also went through all of our medications (mine and my husbands) and threw away everything that was expired. None of this was with my knowledge nor permission.

While I think she had (mostly) good intentions, it was a massive violation of our privacy and particularly mine to have not only poked around ALL of my private bedroom belongings but ESPECIALLY my medication. It is none of her business what medication EITHER of us takes! And, now I can’t find anything. While it was admittedly messy before, it was MY mess and I knew exactly where each and every thing was. Ditto for our aide; she was really ticked off because she can’t find anything either as she herself had arranged my husbands things to her liking when we hired her on.

So after this happened one weekend, our aide put almost everything BACK to where it all was before, including all of the dishes in the kitchen (which were not, not the way, messy). Then when my MIL returned another weekend…. wait for it…. she re-re-arranged it back to the way SHE had arranged. Ummmmmmmmm. Huh?!?! It should have been clear that our aide did not like how she placed things when MIL came back and found all of her nosy rearranging undone.

And as mentioned previously, she threw away many rx ointments and creams that while a little bit out of date, we use frequently and is very expensive even with insurance. Now we have to replace it all at once. Ditto rx pills of various sorts. And OTC meds. I am not wanting to debate whether it is safe to use out of date medications. My point is that it was massively out of line for her to do that.

So my question is…. what the heck do I do? I really want to tell her off but of course I can’t do that…. So how do I (semi?!?!) politely tell that she seriously violated our privacy, that I wanted and liked things the way they were (as did our aide), that I didn’t want hemorrhoid cream prominently labeled on the shelf, that she was way way out of line to throw our medications away no matter what she thought about their effectiveness, and that that should have been clued in when our aide put it back to our usual way… and finally, that she should seriously NOT have re-rearranged it AGAIN!

I am really ticked off about this. Now she knows what brand of deodorant I use, my toothpaste, the size of all of my clothes, all of the medications both of us take, and what all of my jewelry looks like. Among so many other things.

What would you do? Email? Call? Nothing? I have to preserve a civil relationship as she is my MIL for life after all. But still, I am really angry. She needs to know this was unacceptable. How do I do this without totally losing my cool?!

Help!!

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I asked her how long it took to put things back, and she said not long, but that wasn’t really the point. It was the thing with the meds that upset her the most.

I suggested that she just keep putting things back until her MIL either gets the hint, or brings it up. At that point she can just calmly say, “It’s the way I like them to be, and it’s my house.”

Then I suggested she get a cabinet key lock at Walmart, and lock the meds up, which is something she should do anyway.

I also agreed that it is a very weird thing for her MIL to do.

Others, of course, claim they would just lose it and would confront her directly wit a flame thrower.