How to accept my mom how she is and stop being annoyed with her?

I wonder, has your mother seen a doctor about her depression? Has she been diagnosed, or are you guessing?
Was she more active when you were younger?

Lack of motivation is common with depression. It is beyond her control and is not a character flaw. I do the same.

Try focusing on being a less judgmental person.

@Patty_Melt

Yes when I was younger she was running 6 miles a day. And yes, she has seen a doctor and she is currently on medicine.

@RedDeerGuy1 ok, thank you. How should I respond when she says degrading things to herself?

@Sunshinegirl11 I don’t know. Just change the topic. Nothing anyone says can have an impact on her brains biology. All you can do is to make sure she has her medicine on time and isn’t neglecting her self. You also need to take care of yourself too , or you won’t be any help to anyone.

Why not get more involved with her, or get her to be more involved with you? If you got her to help you do somethings but structured them to include even walking (even if a little to start) it would be a start. She knows how to do something, if you know what that is you can do some project where you can include her knowledge, then she will have something to use her mind on and feel smart about.

@Hypocrisy_Central. I guess this is where my irritation stems from. I’ve asked her to walk the dog with me, as that would be bonding time. She doesn’t want to. She likes to color and I like to paint, so I suggested we do it together. Still hasn’t happened. She said she wanted to walk races with me but when the day comes, she’s too tired.

It is more than possible, in fact likely, that some of your mother’s behavior is not about her depression, but rather an aspect of aging.
We each face aging in our own way, and some simply do not know HOW to face getting older or compensating for the losses associated with aging.
To lose from ourselves strength, or looks, or skills we once possessed can be confusing and frightening.
I would guess that adding depression to the mix would have quite an effect.
I agree that getting her out some would help. Perhaps instead of a schedule to follow for walking the dog, you could go together on those days when you are available.

I think joining her on the couch would be beneficial too.
Watch a movie together, or find a craft you can both enjoy.
Maybe scrapbooking would be nice.
If you join her some where she is, it might be easier then to get her to join you elsewhere.

Maybe her medication is making her tired and sleepy.

For the walking, tell her you’re going to walk with her (and the dog) and make a set time. “At one o’clock, let’s take a walk.” That way she knows to expect it and be ready.

Good suggestion by @Patty_Melt to do some stuff on the couch with her too.

So you can do a walk with her a few times a week and do a craft or something on the couch. That will give you both more exercise, along with the dog, and more time together to hang on the couch.

I sympathize with your frustration.

I concur with the other Jellies thoughts that she sounds depressed. If she was running 6 miles a day, she is missing those endorphins she once experienced from those miles of running. Food and TV shows have taken it’s place. IMHO…you have two choices…do nothing and let her live her life as she is content with or hit her with a tough love intervention of sorts. Go buy her some running shoes and MP3 player and same for yourself if you do not have them and say….“Mom…get off off the couch and time to get your ass back in shape.” Remind her how you admired the skinnier mom and how great she had to feel those days running like a deer down the road and how great it must have felt after each run. You have a very tough challenge and for you to have to reach out to strangers tells me it is a tougher situation than it appears. Good luck.

Stay away from her. Don’t talk to her. In other words, do not engage.

She loves her mother @kritiper.

20 years is a long time. You have no idea what it is like living in her body. But you will in 20 years. And you will probably be surprised and feel kinda shitty about asking this.

Your position is grim. I have no idea how old you are or how it is that your mother supports herself (and you) financially. But I do know that you are going to have to decide whether you want to remain in your current situation to watch your mother spiral down the drain. Are you prepared to surrender your future to her care, because the day is surely coming when the question must be faced? I suppose you can begin the drill by starting with the dog whose habits have been bent to mirror your mom’s. YOU have the ability to at least rescue the dog.

@stanleybmanly :: The OP pretty much described my mom. My mom that took me to buy fish tank supplies yesterday and also takes me grocery shopping every week.

She drives and I don’t. If I ask she is here in 30 minutes.

She isn’t lazy or depressed. She simply has money and doesn’t need to work so she watches a lot of tv since that is what she enjoys doing.

This may seem like a strange response to the OQ, but what is your mom’s relationship with the dog?

I ask because if she has a bond with the dog and cares about it, that can be a way to improve the situation. If she could establish a regular routine of walking the dog 2 or more times every day (which is what it needs, minimum), not just every other day, that could make a huge difference for both her and the dog. Seriously, regular outdoor exercise and an emotional connection to another creature that returns her affection could work wonders.

Maybe you could take care of the dog’s teeth and focus on getting your mom to walk it every day. Maybe start with once a day, and your mom may start to walk it more often on her own.

On the other hand, if your mom regards the dog as a nuisance foisted on her by other family members, her resentment might get in the way of this program. If the dog is large and poorly trained, that could also be a problem.

@Dutchess_III That shouldn’t matter. It’s called “hard love.”

Thank you everyone for the advice. Like I said, I love my mom. And if tv makes her happy then who am I to judge? It just gets frustrating when she complains about things but she isn’t willing to change her habits. It’s also frustrating when I want to spend time with her but the tv takes priority. When we do stuff together, it is always going to a restaurant. This is ok, since we get to talk, so I shouldn’t complain.

Im not trying to be judgmental, I have my flaws as well. But my mom is pre diabetic, pre hypertension, and depressed. I don’t want to lose my mom anytime soon. And there is nothing wrong with watching tv, but sometimes I think it would help her depression to get out more. She is only 46 as well, so she isn’t old. But again this is coming from someone who is 20…

My mom and my dog have a strong bond. I just feel bad for him being cooped up in the house all day. When I take him on walks, he is bouncing off the walls with excitement. When he is home, he sleeps all day. I just wish she could help me walk him, she doesn’t even have to do it everyday. We could switch off days, or go together. I don’t care.

Thank again everyone for the advice

@johnpowell From the op’s description, I don’t see any similarity at all between your mom & the op’s mother other than the fact that they both watch a lot of television.

@kritiper: If the OP’s mother is depressed and/or has other types of mental illness, and the OP lives with her mom, wants to help her mom and wants to have a more pleasant atmosphere for all of them in the home, staying away, not talking to her, not trying to help her is not realistic. For the OP to have to look at her mother, who she loves, and see her getting more depressed and more physlcally unfit may very well bring the whole household down. If the mother were an addict, I’d say “tough love” may be the way to go. However, that’s not the case here, at least it doesn’t seem so.

@jca Well, that is one opinion. I say why beat yourself up (or allow yourself to be beaten up) over your mother unnecessarily when your mother is beating herself up good enough for two all by herself??

@kritiper: Well if you love her and you want the best for her, then some effort could be put into her.

@jca I believe in taking care of one’s own self first. I don’t think what you suggest (a no win situation) answers the question.

@kritiper: Trying to get the mom to take walks is a no win situation?

@jca If she doesn’t want to take a walk it is!

@kritiper: If she is encouraged, she may, like a child. “Come on, we’ll just go for a half hour. The dog will have fun too.”

She sounds depressed (as has been said). I haven’t read all the responses, but I don’t think you can force her out of that state. You can try to remember depression is an illness. If you can get her to talk to her doctor, that would be a great start. She obviously lacks self-esteem. She feels horrible about who she is and she’s obviously aware of her lack of energy and action, but probably feels like trying to climb out of that place is as difficult for her as climbing Everest. What does she like doing? Can you encourage her to go shopping with you? Get her to go to the cinema with you? Or to go for a short walk for some fresh air. Don’t make it about exercising, but about being with you and doing some things together.

Keep in mind this isn’t your responsibility. All you can do is try to get her to seek help and to try to be there for her in a non-judgemental way. She’s not well. You would be patient and empathic if she had cancer or had some other physical illness. Depression isn’t something she can just shake off. Things that may help are getting some fresh air, sunshine, eating healthy and doing some exercise, but it may be hard to get her motivated to do these things without some medical help.

@jca Well, sure! But that goes without saying.

I think it’s cool that that OP asked how he could learn to accept his mother for the way she is, rather than asking how he can change his mother.