Do you think/feel like you contribute anything to the world by being alive?

The world at large? No.

But to my family, yes. Maybe my horizon is narrower than yours.

As a person with lived experience of mental illness who has been to the brink of suicide, I can state categorically that I do not need a reason to be alive. I am worthy of the life I have simply by breathing. I do not need to impact the lives of millions of people for the better to make my life worthwhile. It is worthwhile because I breathe. Nothing more is required.

I have been to the depths of despair. I have lain on my sofa with a tear-soaked pillow under my head unable to move. I have sat on the edge of the bathtub praying for the strength to end my life. At that instant, the phone rang, and I chose to answer it. I wept uncontrollably to the friend on the other end who alerted my sister who then went with me to the hospital where I got blessed relief.

I have thought I was a waste of air.

Today, I know that the air is grateful I breathe it.

For the past few months, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to tell my story of recovery. It’s a difficult story to figure out how to tell, because I’m not completely sure I know what happened for myself. It was almost miraculous.

I reached a turning point when I wrote my first WRAP. The Wellness Recovery Action Plan was the first time anybody had ever told me I could take charge of my own illness. I thought it was the doctor’s job to prescribe the correct medicine to fix me. I was wrong. It is my job to manage my bipolar disorder. I am the one who gets to tell the doctor what works and what doesn’t. I am the one who gets to decide how good I want my life to be. I’m in charge. If my medicine is not providing the right results, I am the one who tells my doctor and demands action.

One of the pillars of my recovery is sleep. I must get good quality sleep every night, or I suffer. I went through a long period of difficulties with sleep. My doctor refused to prescribe a sleep aid for me, because of the addictive nature of all those drugs. I fought him. I loudly advocated for myself. After many sessions, he suggested an alternative, and I tried it. It’s not perfect, but it’s working. I am getting good sleep for the number of hours I need to feel rested in the morning.

@tinyfaery, I know depression intimately. I know its tentacles that wrap my brain in their clutches. I have been in the mire I thought I couldn’t escape. I have been in that pit with sides of slick mud that allowed no hold to pull myself out. I know. I do not know what it might take for you to feel whole, but I am here today to tell you it’s possible. I recovered. It happened for me. Recovery is possible for everyone. Each recovery looks different. Each recovery is unique. Your recovery will not look like mine, but I can state with authority that it can happen. I see recovery every day. I see it in others. I live it. I know it’s possible.

You’re having an existential crisis, perfectly normal espectially this time of year. (I suffer from SAD) Realize that just being a nice, thoughtful person has a much larger impact than you think. It’s pretty important.

I like to think my penchant for making others smile and laugh and my avowed mission to model civility make a tiny difference in the micro-world I inhabit.

What about you kitty cats?
I’ve never had major depressive issues other than situational, and sure, I’ve felt that way too, especially pushing 60 now in a few years with a grown daughter and being financially devastated in the recession, no hope of recovery, none, at this stage of the life game. But…I still wake up with eyes to see, I love my adult daughter and my pets, and I make a difference in their lives, undoubtedly. When your depressed your world narrows, it can shrink down to nothing more than being hyper-focused on yourself but it’s not all about you and certainly your leaving would impact others.

Your wife, your pets, friends, co-workers, there is always a trickle down effect. That said I am also a firm believer in the right to die for whatever reasons one deems viable. I would just suggest that while sure, in the grand scheme of things your life has no real meaning, try to focus on the meaning it does have, right now, in this moment. I’m not going to tell you to get help, or to call a suicide prevention line, or even your therapist.

None of which will make an impact. I am going to suggest that you just focus on the moment. Is your wife looking forward to seeing you tonight, are you looking forward to seeing her, your pets, your garden, your home? Look at this like recovery from drugs or alcohol, one day at a time, one moment at a time and every moment, every day you find some small measure of joy in something even as simple as the feel of the sun on your back, your cat playing, the Daffodils blooming, your fucking dinner…any-little-thing that brings you a moment of happiness, focus on that and let go of the big picture.

You have to CREATE your own meaning, meaning does not exist intrinsically, it is self made.
I may still choose to exit myself at some point, I reserve the right to do that, as do you, but I also find that coming back to the moment is where it’s at.

@elbanditoroso wrote exactly what I was about to express.

Outside of my small circle, no. The trash that I throw away will have a much more enduring and far reaching impact on the world than I probably ever will. I think this is true for most people too.

Thank you, @Coloma, for bringing up one’s kitty-cats. Truly, I do feel this way sometimes, but if there is one thing I don’t doubt, it’s that they would miss me, and that nobody would love them as much as I do.
@tinyfaery…you are not alone in feeling this way. When I feel like this, it seems like I am invisible. Even my job makes me feel this way a lot of days.

I produce carbon dioxide, that plants use to make oxygen. That counts, right?

We currently have an extreme atmospheric surplus of CO2, @Sneki95, so not really

You don’t have to contribute to the world for your life to be worthwhile. Like everyone else’s life your life just is and there are no instructions as to what you should do with it. There is no definition as to what ‘worthwhile’ is other than what you yourself think. You are given the freedom to do whatever makes you happy.

@cinnamonk Well damn it….

I suggest that you stop worrying about the world. There is little you can do about it. Concentrate on your well being and happiness. Go out and have some fun for a change.

The whole world? Well, I don’t know what future generations of mine, that wouldn’t exist without me, might bring for the whole world, but I know I’ve made a difference in many lives around me, and not just those of my children and grandchildren.

Be ever open to new ideas. Help others when you can. Be yourself. That’s contribution enough.

And then I went back and read the details. I suck sometimes.

@tinyfaery You mean something to me, and to everyone on Fluther. You enrich us just by being here, and presenting your views. This one life is worth seeing out to the end, IMO. You just don’t know what’s around the next corner.

You have contributed and helped more people than you realize. And here is proof – because without proof all we have is an opinion! (I will anonymize and modify the proof to protect privacy but you will recognize it.)

A certain well respected and loved jelly here was prejudiced against Cajuns. He/she thought Cajuns were immoral and against all things holy. He/she belonged to an organization that not only felt that way but taught their children that Cajuns were wrong.
After meeting and getting to know you, he/she completely changed his/her mind and became a supporter of Cajun rights to Louisiana gumbo, boudin and tabasco.
That person (and I, by the way) loves you and several times has stated publicly how you changed his/her mind. That well respected person now teaches your message. You changed a mind!
You did that!!! It’s a fact! And you made the world a better place!!!

Not many people can say that.
Congratulations. And, Thank You.

You are almost certainly underestimating your relevance to those who know or interact with you regularly. For instance, your fans here would be distraught at the thought of you “checking out”.

If you need additional proof…
Look how many people have jumped in here to show their love and respect for you!
Yep! Your presence makes the world a better place! And I’m honored to share the same computer space with you.
(((Hugs)))

@LuckyGuy and everyone. Thanks for that. I pretty much thought/think very few people here like me. I guess I was wrong. Knowing I changed people, hopefully for the better, does mean something.

Yes, you were wrong! Just because we might disagree sometimes doesn’t mean we don’t like you! Think of it as family.

I’m the world to my kids & vice versa, that makes me pretty fucking special all on its own.
Also, we have bumped heads here in the past @tinyfaery & are probably poles apart on a lot of things, but hey, I like you godammit. I know that when Fluther eventually ceases to be you will be one of maybe a dozen that will immediately come to my mind when reminiscing about my time here. You speak your mind, stand up for what you believe in & take no shit, that’s good enough for me & enough for you to know that you make a small impact across a very large pond.
Fist bump & a small hug even…maybe ;-}

The world? Maybe. your world, very likely you make a difference, as others have said.

I have had some extremely low months in the past couple of years. Recently, a young woman whom I had not seen for a long time told me that because I was kind to her in high school, she was able to go on. These were fairly casual contacts (I thought) that I had with her, inviting her along on an outing or two with my family.
It may sound like an extreme example, but my point is that you may never know how large and positive of an impact you have on someone with a casual kindness.
As a nice counterpoint, her telling me that really helped to lift me a ways out of a very dark place.

A useful and/or worthwhile life can be measured by seemingly small things with as much validity as the big obvious things.

Well, your Fluther posts are really good! I’ve noticed that I pretty much always like what you have to add about a topic. I also think improving the condition of non-humans is one of the most important issues we have, so you’re way above my bar of good people to have on the planet. You will be spared during the overthrow of humanity’s abuse of the planet.

Have you considered volunteering with an animal welfare group of some sort? Wildlife rehab, or any others? My cat is currently making me feel very appreciated and loved, as do many of my friends, family, clients, coworkers, etc.

(Me, shaking faery by the shoulders)
YOU MATTER! DAMMIT, YOU MATTER!
Now, go fix us some nice hot cocoa, and I’ll put on a happy movie.

^^thanks

Yes, I also agree with @canidmajor You never know what little contributions/kindnesses will make a difference. I just took my 87 & 88 yr. old neighbors a yummy marinated salad I make that they love to go with their dinner tonight. I am also helping them weed around their patio and I enjoy making them a nice dinner every so often too.

Over the years I have contributed to the world, my part of it anyway, in rescuing wild life and other animals and keeping a safe zone habitat on my properties for wild life. Doing for others and the environment makes you feel god as well as helps others. A good way to combat the blues even when you feel like nothing matters.

@tinyfaery, I’m not sure why I’m on this earth but I do know one reason you are here. If not for you I might still be wallowing in my bigotry, unaware of how hurtful my words could be.
You my friend, with your honesty and vulnerability shook my life and my belief system to the core and I emerged a better person. If your life and presence so positively impacted a random stranger on the internet I can only imagine how many real life people you impact. I for one am glad you are in this world. I would be a much lesser person without you.
As for the torment you are currently experiencing? I think my answer might be lame (I might be in for another educational moment from you and that’s alright) but my sliver of advice is, you’ve been here before. This is for a season. You have come out of it before. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. It’s hard to wait in the darkness but a seed has to spend time in the dirt (and sometimes a little shit) before it emerges and grows. These dark moments can be times when unseen miracles are happening just beneath the surface.
Things will change, you will rise.
I need people like you in my life. Bold, outspoken, broken, ass kicking people like you.
By the way, I’m in your town for the next week or so. Can I buy you and your wife lunch?

@Judi

I thought about you while on this thread yesterday. Thanks for coming to say those nice things. It really does mean a lot to me.

And you are right. I have been through this and worse. I can make it.

I don’t know why some people have to face these seasons and some don’t. It really pisses me off. I do know that the people who adhere to the medical interventions when necessary and also accept that these seasons are a part of their live but remember that winter may be raging but spring is coming tend to be some of the strongest, most amazing and inspirational people I know.
I’m thinking of my daughter who has taught me so much and seems to have a supernatural depth of understanding. She has these awful seasons then inspires so many. It’s a paradox of sorts but it’s amazing to watch.

@Judi I go through a 5 to 6 month cycle. I get down, I get back up. I recognized it many years ago and knowing helps me get through the troughs. Kind of a “This too shall pass” attitude.

As long as there are cat tummies to rub, there is a good reason to live. For you, and the cats.