What would you do if a relative's SO was very sick?

Send a note of compassion.

Don’t offer help unless you are truly willing to help without resentment.

Don’t bother them to assuage guilt; reach out as an act of compassion. The time for reconciliation is -before_ someone becomes ill.

^^everything is “reconciled.” It has been for years. We see each other at family things a few times a year. The one falling out isn’t a thing anymore, except to say I would never see myself becoming best girlfriends with this person. I do care about the situation, and I know if it was someone close to me who was sick she would care too.

If s/she is close to me and has no one else to help him/her, then I’d accept helping, if I can. We may be in a fight, but I’m not a cunt to refuse help someone in front of me who obviously needs my help.
If s/he is far away and has someone to get help from, I would move on with my life. We’re in fight, why would I care about her family?

We are NOT in a fight. Crap, I need to edit. We had a falling out, but it’s basically repaired, we just aren’t best friends.

I would simply make your offer to assist them in any way. Even if they don’t take you up on it, they will remember the offer.

Last year when we got my mom into hospice and finally back to her home, a friend of hers came over to be with her to allow me and my siblings go out to dinner together and get a much needed reprieve from the ordeal we had been through up to that point.

Other friends we did not know were stopping by daily with home made meals and baked goods and again was welcomed support as taking care of a very sick loved one involves a lot of effort and cooking is only an added chore.

@Cruiser The thing is, in this case the sick person is the SO who we don’t know very well. I’ve met him three times.

Again @JLeslie You are not making these offers to the sick S/O you are making them to the person you know as a caring gesture.

Write to her. By hand. A card expressing concern and well wishes will be appreciated. Maybe send little presents from time to time, a small box of nice chocolates (if she likes chocolate) a nicely scented soap.
When I went through cancer treatments (no SO, I can only speak to what made me feel good) I was especially grateful for the small kindnesses and little treats.

I wish the best for your relative and her SO, these are rough times to go through.

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Your question is about what we would do , not what you should or could do.

I have twice offered to take a leave of absence from work to assist with caring for a relative’s partner. The offer had to do with my relationship with my relative, it was not about their partner. In both cases, they lived in my hometown, about 3 hours down the highway.

In other cases, I have sent cards with small gift certificates in them. I’m not one for giving gifts of things I like.

For a close friend (closer than any relative) in a similar situation, I offered to bring familiar meals for the kids.

Bottom line, I offered what I was willing to do. If I’m not willing to do anything, I mail a gift certificate (spa, meal delivery etc)

I don’t think the sick person would be comfortable with me doing anything to really “care” for him. His parents, family, and friends, I’m sure will be doing that. Right now he’s still able to function and take care of himself. He has been hospitalized a couple of times that I know of.

I know whatever I do my relative (it’s a relative by marriage) will think I didn’t do enough, or didn’t do whatever I do according to her etiquette expectations. Whatever the hell her expectation is.

@JLeslie ”...whatever I do my relative… will think I didn’t do enough, or didn’t do whatever I do according to her etiquette expectations. Whatever the hell her expectation is.”

I will reiterate: be compassionate to the extent you feel compassion. But don’t do anything that would led you to resent your perceived obligation to help your relative.

You are already perturbed by this scenario, life is too short to put yourself in a position to judged as inadequate when you are trying to be of help.

It would depend on whether I felt it was something I could and should do. So if I felt I should do this and that it was something she needed, I would reach out. Especially if I felt I could help her in some way. Losing her partner is such a huge thing. Any past relationship problems should be very secondary. Even if she has a lot of support from close relatives, knowing people care and are there if she needs them, might help.

@JLeslie , is the relative someone you would be a friend of if you weren’t connected by marriage?

@zenvelo @BellaB I think what I’m not communicating well is I would really like to be close to family, and happy to be helpful, but my husband’s family can sometimes be ungrateful and if they want to dislike you (to feel better about themselves) they’ll decide whatever you do isn’t adequate or is uncouth or whatever. They alternate on which relative is on the list to dislike in a given year. In times of stress is when they are to the hilt with these sort of things.

I’ll give you an example of how they can be.

My BIL years ago was living with his parents after a break up with an SO he was living with. Months and months past, and then he started dating someone new and decided to move to NY to live with him. He hadn’t told anyone about the relationship or the move until about two weeks before he was leaving. When he moved, my FIL had just been told by a doctor to get a colonoscopy. Without telling the whole story, my MIL and SIL decided my BIL was a piece of crap for leaving suddenly, especially when his father was going to get a colonscopy and might have cancer. Background: he was in his 60’s and had never had a colonoscopy.

Skip forward, colonoscopy was completely fine. Months and months go by without any contact back and forth between my BIL and his mom or sister. His brother doesn’t call us either, but my husband and his brother don’t call each other much anyway. My husband and I think the whole thing is ridiculous. We aren’t angry at all. Before my BIL left I gave him my sisters phone number; she lives in NYC.

Time passes, and near Christmas we get his brother’s address from his dad and send a Christmas card. My husband’s entire family decides we were telling his brother to fuck off by sending a Christmas card.

Insane right?

So, I do what I want to do, but I don’t spend too much effort. What makes this a little tricky is, the person I’m talking about in particular has helped me when I have been sick. She’s really good with that sort of thing. She also can be very judgmental about how things should be done.