What is fair for a child who is split between two homes for school holidays?

I would ask the child where they want to spend time with.

She’s only just turning 5 so I kinda feel that it’s my responsibility to make that decision for her at this stage .. when she’s older definitely
I’ve changed it as it did sound like she was older .. .x

Does she mind the car trip or do you?

@janbb I think I do. It’s long and windy not the safest road. I don’t actually do the travelling

It’s more emotional – will she be ok bring week on, week off? It’s not her norm

I think the child is what matters most and the one who has no blame in the situation and the one whom it impacts most, so I would ask her and honor her choice, and avoid mentioning anything that might influence her choice. Limit the comments and signs about how much you miss her when she’s with her dad, etc., to make it easier for her to choose what she wants.

I was a kid in a similar position and one of the few good things about it was they asked what living arrangements I wanted and then pretty much honored those. It was hard when one parent expressed too much grief about me going to the other parent, and backfired on them in terms of me feeling like it wasn’t fair for them to lay that on me.

Yeah fair enough and good response. I am absolutely aware of my helicopter parenting. I love my daughter to pieces and for a while it was just me and her whilst he finished his affair over seas ;) so it’s hard now for me to have to share her. That’s really why I reach out, to see what the norm is – to test my emotions and to find out whether it’s me and my loneliness I fear or whether my concerns are actually valid. That it could be hard on her and she could feel trapped. Thank you for replying guys.

The Christmas holiday is 6 weeks? That’s quite a long time. I’d lean towards having her stay at her dad’s three weeks. Maybe week 2,3,4. Or, just weeks 3 and 4 if he isn’t pushing for equal time. The driving back and forth is a pain in the neck. She’s happy in both places.

You create whatever works for your family.

Maybe plan a vacation for yourself during part of the time she’s with her dad. Go somewhere sunny and warm.

It’s hard for you and my sense is that this is driving your discomfort. If her father is happy to do the driving, let her spend the time with her dad. She’s on holiday. It’s not during the school term. You’ve said she loves spending time with her dad.

If the driving is a problem, make the time she spends with him longer so there are less trips.

You have to try to put yourself outside of this picture. What is best for her? Make that your priority. Plan some activities for yourself while she is away. Book a holiday. Nothing to far away, but something to take your mind off your daughter while she is having fun with her dad.

I agree with @Zaku but I also think there needs to be room for flexibility. A 5-year old does not know what’s best for themselves, but their choices should be considered and respected. If she says she wants to do week/week then you should start out doing that but offer her the option to change her mind several times along the way. Maybe she’ll realize after a week she wants to be with you for 2 weeks before going back to dad for a week. Maybe she’ll want to do 2 weeks with dad then 2 weeks with you. Leave room for her to change her mind.

He doesn’t let me contact her, I think that’s why it’s so challenging for me. 3 days and no communication is hard but a week!

@tan253 If he would like the idea of having her an extended length of time, tell him how about she stay with you a week or two over the break, but only if you can speak with her every three days.

Negotiate it so it’s a win win. If he won’t agree then he doesn’t get to have her more than 3 days at a time, or whatever you decide is agreeable.

@tan253, how often do you allow him to contact her when she’s with you? How long passes between his visits with his child? How often does he speak to her?

I can understand how hard it is to be without your child. I’ve been there and I missed my children terribly when they were with their father. That’s just something I had to learn to live with. Decisions about contact have to be about what is fair and right for your child. She has a right to spend time with her dad. I’ve said this to you before, you have to find ways to manage the time when you are without her and not try to manage her time with her dad around how you feel when she’s away.

@Earthbound_Misfit asks a good question. Do you allow him to contact her at anytime when she’s with you?
Also, what reason does he give for not allowing you to contact her?

I do, she phones him, I send photos, we talk about her Dad etc – He’s allowed here at anytime but never has come to visit her.
I think it’s because he’s married and wants that to be the family and he wants her to stay focussed on him.

If you have sole custody does that mean that any contact with her father is at your discretion?

Well, hopefully she’ll let her contact him whenever she wants.

The most important thing is to set your own feelings aside, and focus on your daughter’s feelings.

@tan253, I’m glad you’re giving your daughter’s father easy access to her when she’s with you. That provides you with a bargaining tool for when she’s with her dad. Have you tried calmly writing to him to ask if you can speak to her a couple of times a week while she’s with him? Explain you understand it’s his time with her, and you don’t want to get in the way of that, but you will miss her terribly and if you both keep the lines of communication open for her, it will help her manage living between two places. See what he says. Keep any anger out of it. Don’t respond if he gets crabby with you. Be polite and reasonable and see what happens.

I’ve said write to him because it takes out any possibility of either of you starting to argue about this. You can calmly share your request and why you are making it. And reiterate that you are happy for him to phone her when she’s with you, or for her to call him. And if he wants to visit, because you understand he must miss her too, that is fine.

Again, though, I think you have to find ways to manage your separation anxiety. You need to develop a life when your daughter is away. Look at some of the Meet Up groups. Go for a bushwalk, take up a new hobby, plan to go to the cinema with friends, book a few days holiday. If you’re busy and connected to people other than your daughter it will help to alleviate the loneliness while you’re apart. I know it’s hard, but you have to do this. For your daughter’s sake.

And as @Earthbound_Misfit says, these suggestions have been made to you before. Whatever age your children are, you can’t live your life solely around them. They grow up and move out, you have to be making your own life too. Surely there are things – even dating perhaps? – that you don’t get to do during the times she is with you?

My children were young adults when my Ex and I split and that has created a different set of problems. Initially, I was a basket case when he and his wife were visiting one of them but now I am more secure that what I have with each of them is what I have and his relationship is a separate thing.