I want to decline an invitation due to resentment -- but not burn bridges. How do I recuse myself?
At Christmas, my mother, who is almost eighty years old and seems even older—she had managed to alienate my aunt (father’s sister), my nieces (who didn’t want to visit because my mother was always berating and yelling at my dad—who cannot help his condition) and me— plus, my mother vehemently hates my girlfriend—whom she’s never met (knowingly) and never wants to meet.
Three months later, my Mom (who, along with my dad, are in bad health and have mobility problems and don’t get out much) has made up with my aunt (which I am glad) and my nieces seem to be coming around. My mom wants to get out and go to a restaurant with everybody. I usually drive them,
My mother has met my girlfriend twice and liked her (they got along very well) but didn’t know who she was. I didn’t tell my mother. Trust me, this would have been disasterous had she known.
My GF and I are very close and want a future together and she desperately needs to be around people and a sense of family. But of course my GF was not included in the invitation as usual.
At Christmas, my GF was homeless and we were pretty much living out of my car and hospital lobbies, blending in with the crowd. She spent Christmas homeless and alone while my extended family celebrated. And I did some phony, PAINFULLY phony prayer at the meal about being thankful for sharing and having a family and home.
I don’t mind driving my parents to the restaurant or getting my aunt to. And in my poverty I rarely turn down food and atmosphere / respite. But I really don’t want to sit there while my GF has nobody and I will have nobody at the restaurant. In a way I am making a stand but don’t want to make a “scene” or burn bridges. I simply do not want to be there “enjoying myself” among family while someone I love is excluded, out of hate. Unbridled, unknown, hate of someone my mother doesn’t even know.
I don’t want my GF to be alone and I will be alone, too—
At least my sister’s family know and LIKE my GF. My father knows little about her but might if it weren’t for my mother. My aunt won’t give a “stranger” a chance but probably doesn’t hate like my mother.
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If my husband’s family didn’t want to know me, and he went to family events to which I was not invited, I’d be very hurt. I feel when you commit to a person, you need to stand up for them and when people, even family, disrespect the person you love, you need to call it out and take your partner’s side. So I would say you’d like to attend, but since your partner has not been invited, you will have to decline. You don’t need to argue about it or make a big song and dance, just make it clear that if she isn’t invited, you won’t attend.
I was at an oyster roast a few years back. The host started making racist comments. I told my girlfriend, we were leaving. I didn’t tell them the real reason, I just said that I had something come up.
If you aren’t comfortable following @Earthbound_Misfit ‘s advice (which I think is best,) time to lie I guess.
Sounds like a unenviable situation. Good luck.
Peace n love.
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You probably can’t walk the tightrope.
Your wish is not to burn bridges, but you can’t control the feelings and emotions of you mom, dad, aunt, or anyone else. Anything you do is going to have repercussions somehow.
My advice: even though GF was not invited, bring her. She’s your friend, your confidante, and a serious part of your life. If everyone else doesn’t like it, tough shit on them. If they want her to leave, you leave with her.
GF is the future. Asinine parents should not control your life. And if their mindlessness ends up rupturing your relationship with them, then perhaps that’s not a bad thing, because they are so toxic.
Don’t specify the details of your resentment. Remember! Some things are better left unsaid!
I would ask if it’s ok if my girlfriend comes along. Give them the chance to say yes. If they say she can’t, I would say my girlfriend comes along or I won’t be there, but I’ll be happy to drive you there if you need a lift.
Just be honest.
If I understand correctly occasionally you take your elderly (and sickly) parents and sometimes your aunt to a restaurant so they can socialize. And you feel bad about leaving your GF at home. Correct? I’m guessing you only do this fewer than once per week and they pay for your meal to make up for gas. Correct?
You are doing a good thing by helping the old folks. Presumably it is not safe for them to be driving themselves. It gets them out of the house, away from TV, and give them a chance to talk. I’d keep doing it but I’d make some minor changes.
How about ordering a meal and taking it home to your GF? Or eat less than half of your meal and take it home. Say you’ve already eaten or you are trying to lose a little weight. “This meal will be enjoyed later.”
I would not blow things up by bringing or mentioning your GF. (Only you know why this is a problem.)
This event is not about you. It is for your parents and your aunt to get out. Help them. Two hours once a week is not excessive time to be away from GF. If she is that possessive you might want to rethink other aspects of this relationship.
After reading @LuckyGuy‘s answer, he does have a point. The “girls” the sisters maybe are the main focus; their time together. Or, maybe they just want family no spouses.
They’re older, and might have rules in their head about girlfriends not being like a spouse, and not included in some events. Or, even, like I said, not want spouses there.
The question I have is if your mom has made amends with your aunt and nieces, why has she not smoothed things over with you or visa versa? Do you know why this is? Resentment is only a burden you carry. Is this resentment something you can let go of? Your mom is not getting any younger and someday she will no longer be alive. How will you feel if she suddenly dies and you still are holding on to this resentment?
@Cruiser Sorry, but unless I missed something (some comments have apparently been deleted), your follow-up question doesn’t really relate to your OP.
You can’t make your mother allow your GF to tag along but you can respectfully opt-out if she says no. And why would you want to subject your GF to being around someone who “vehemently hates” her? God knows I would rather stay home than risk the associated indigestion from THAT situation.
Also, if money is that much of a concern at the moment, perhaps you guys should not be going out to eat at all… Instead, plan something special together like take a picnic to the park, a hike, a free movie etc.
Speaking from experience, your mother sounds toxic. Don’t worry about winning her approval of your partner.
@LeavesNoTrace The OP started out by describing how the Aunt and nieces and him had for various reasons had problems with the mom. Mom made life around her tolerable for the Aunt and nieces….I simply asked what may be the reason that has not happened with him. Simple rather obvious question.
@Cruiser I think I gave you a simple, rather obvious answer.
Your mother sounds toxic, controlling and narcissistic from your description. Set boundaries with her and don’t be a slave to her emotions. Just keep it low-key and politely opt out of the event if you prefer not to go stag. If she can’t accept it then you guys have far deeper issues.
The moderated / deleted answers were by a smart ass. They were flagged by me (the original poster) and removed
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