What do I say to my elderly parents when I am guilty of something? They won't be able to handle it ...

Yellowdog, thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for your honesty. Truly, thank you.

Do not lie to your parents.

I honestly do not know what you should do. This situation is difficult. I can see the pros for telling them the truth, and I can see the cons of the same.

If I were in this situation, I would tell them the truth. My parents would be heartbroken and devastated. I would still tell them why I could not go into the store with them.

All the best to you.

I could be wrong, but this is my reaction from gut and experience. As with most cases, I expect you’re wrong that they can’t handle the truth. They’re adults. I know that in my own case, I always added my own fear and guilt to my impression of what my parents would be like if I told them something. I had dramatic ideas about how they might react, which were entirely not how they actually reacted. Besides, my mom would generally know anyway. Also, the truth is what it is, and adding lying to that rarely adds up to anything positive, especially with people such as parents or partners.

On the other hand, if your parents have a known history of reacting badly to things, then perhaps you’re right. You know your parents and I don’t.

It seems to me that it’s not worth trying to keep this secret. You probably wouldn’t be able to maintain it over their lifetime. If it were me, I would simply tell them the truth; it’s inconceivable to me that they “couldn’t handle it”. Obviously, it will be hard for you; you are having trouble even telling us, and we’re just random strangers on the internet.

But you are the person driving the car. You can just take them to another store from now on if that’s more important to you. I can think of half a dozen false reasons to give them for this, and so can you. You just need to decide which course of action you want to take.

You have so many, many issues you’re facing right now. I hope you are going to the therapist you talk about more frequently than every few weeks.

Don’t lie to your parents.
Don’t lie to your parents.
Don’t lie to your parents.
So, maybe they would have a hard time with the truth, maybe not, but, if you lie, and THEN tbey find out or maybe they already know then you have shoplifting PLUS lying to them.
Don’t lie to your parents.

@Yellowdog I, too, thank you for sharing. I would not lie to your parents. As a parent, I have survived many admissions. And my parents survived my admissions. Most parents are more sturdy than we are given credit for. Bless you, I hope things work out so that you can relax and let it all go again. Your parents response may be compassion.

Talk to your counselor/therapist about the pros and cons.

If it were me, I’d probably not tell them but your situation and circumstances are only known to you so I’d weight it out with the therapist.

If you think telling them is going to cause them terrible upsetness and anxiety or constantly berating you about it, then I don’t see the point.

@jca But he’s driving them to the store so it’s bound to come up?

You know your parents better than any of us, but I agree with others here who think you are probably underestimating your parents’ tolerance. These are people who lived through the depression! Bring the issue out and get it over with.

Accountability is important. As is honesty. I think you would feel better telling them. You have enough on your shoulders already. Don’t let this be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Personally, I would rather know someone shoplifted, but at least they don’t lie to me.

Why do you have to tell them? I guess maybe it’s odd to them that you take them there and then don’t go in. Is that it?

My feeling is they can handle the truth, but if you can avoid burdening them with it I would.

I would not tell them a half truth by saying you were falsely apprehended. I say either say nothing, or be wholly truthful.

@janbb: Yes I understand which is why I suggested he talk to the therapist and weigh out the pros and cons. I’m thinking since he has been taking them since he was apprehended, somehow the subject hasn’t come up. Either he avoided going into the store or they went somewhere else. Maybe he can continue to avoid going inside the store or they can continue going somewhere else. If they haven’t changed stores, maybe somehow he can convince them to shop elsewhere. I am saying if it’s going to cause them to rant and rave and be terribly upset but serve no purpose other than purging his conscience, then not tell them.

@jca Yup I agree although it seems to me that yellowdog maybe has to start facing some of his issues. I agree that talking to his therapist is the best idea.

My advice to you is to start telling the truth to everyone; your parents, your girlfriend and yourself. You say that they can’t handle the truth but maybe it is you who can’t handle it. Do you really think you are a bad person? Well then, don’t fear the truth.

Gosh. Is there any way to talk to the manager? Maybe he could allow you to visit the store, but only when you’re with your parents.
OTOH, your parents might take it better than you think.