Should I care? Just more of my separation thoughts.

It is hard to tell if she is confused about what she wants, scared about actually losing you, and/or how all this might impact your son. It is always easy to paint a picture of the offending spouse as “evil” or that they “know exactly what they want, and it’s not you”. At some point you may find those pictures helpful in separating from her. I know you have posted on this earlier, but I do not remember if you have sought counseling? This would involve the counselor seeing you as both a couple as well as one-on-one.

Of course you care and probably still love her deeply. Don’t feel like that is a bad thing, it is what makes you, you. A caring individual. That said, she has put you through the same cycle multiple times. Do you think she will change? Personally, I doubt it, but you must make decision. The situation may be at the point that this is not about her anymore. She has put you and your son in this situation by her actions, and there is a consequence for them. You also need to think about what is best for you and your son. Living in distrust and waiting for the next cycle and the next “other man” is horrible and stressful for both you and your kid. No matter what you decide, keep your conversations civil and polite. Don’t curse at her or say bad things about her around your son, ever. Don’t even send impolite texts, as you found out, he saw the effect on her. She is his mother, he loves her, and he should not be caught in the middle.

In short, you must be ready to save yourself and your son from a toxic relationship and environment. That is what is important now.

How old is your son? And if you have him most of the time why would she have to send his schedule? Why wouldn’t you be sending her his schedule? And how does caring for him impact the amount you can work?

@Dutchess_III
My son is 9
My ex wife works 2 jobs and they’re both shift work.
She make’s a lot more money than she needs for her bill and she blows the rest.
Everyday I have to text her asking for my son’s schedule to find out if I’m picking him up from school, if he’s staying the night with me or if she might actually be home for a few hours in the evening that I could drop him off at her place and go to work?
The answer is usually that she’s working so my only option is to take my son to work with me which I’ve done for years or leave him at His grandmother’s for a few hours.
I get angry because my ex makes a lot of money and even lies about going to work and also just takes off by herself some weekends.
All my money goes on groceries, gas and bills and I’m getting to the point that I’m going to have to get a lawyer and get a divorce and she’ll end up paying child support and maybe even spousal support.
If she’s smart she should just realize how unfair she’s being and maybe work a little less and help out with our son more and make a few meals for him every once in a while and quit taking advantage of me.
I’ve been through hell with her, I love my son and I’ve been taking care of him for years, but I need a little more time to work and maybe date someone eventually.
I just want it to be more even.
She has to take some responsibility for having a kid she can’t just pretend he doesn’t exist and live a free life.
I’m just sick of it.

Okay, time to act like a grown up.

Don’t argue with, or yell at, your ex. She is your ex, not your current.

Time to go to Family Court and come to an approved agreed upon custody arrangement that spells it all out in print. That is your best protection and it is best for your son!

Children want and rely upon knowing where they will be and with whom. Children hate sudden schedule changes and disruptions.

And get a divorce. End the uncertainty. The sooner you do the sooner you can get this marriage behind you.

On second thought don’t worry about it guys.
This is kinda a repeat of conversations I’ve gone into great detail about on here already.
The more I discuss my ex, the more irritable and depressed I get.
Getting a divorce costs money.
Getting counselling costs money.
Raising a child costs money.
Biting my tongue and being sweet to my ex considering everything she’s done and continues to do is easier said than done.
You can only take so much shit from people and when I told her to leave me alone, I meant it.
“Time to act like a grown up?”
Seriously?
You haven’t met my ex and you haven’t spent 15 years with her and had to try raise a child with her.
I know the stuff I say is hard to believe right?
How could a mother be so neglectful and hurtful right?
Well, if you think women like that don’t exist I hope you get through life without ever meeting one.
They’re real and can be just a shitty a parent as a deadbeat dad.
I’m trying and honestly doing pretty fucking good considering.
So go easy on the judging.
Thanks.

Sounds like your wife has substance abuse issues.

She is using you like a welcome mat. Grinding her feet into you to clean the crap off her feet.

I say run as fast as you can from her.

Good luck and good health to you.

I agree whole heartedly that you need to make it official, and get a set parenting schedule. We all know that many mothers and fathers can be abusive and neglectful. If she’s as bad as you say, with any luck, you’ll get the majority of the time so you won’t have to worry about your wife taking off to party, leaving your son unsupervised.
Arguing in front of him is very bad, even if it’s by text. Your ex is selfish not to control her emotions in front of him.
If your mother is willing to babysit for nothing, you’re very lucky. Otherwise you have the fun of trying to find a babysitter who you can rely on. Of course, your son is old enough to be in school so it should be easier than if they need full time care. Plus in ust a few more years and he won’t need a babysitter.
You can put dating a little further down your list and just date when she has your son.

Quit playing mind games. It’s over and move on.

Treat the business side of things (like setting a calendar for the kid) in a rational way. Don’t get pulled into her problems, and don’t lose your temper.

Above all, don’t doubt yourself.

Job one for you is to establish a stable life for your son. That means legal separation and formalized custody agreement. Everything else follows from there.

Really.

You need to put your focus on getting your life organized so things are settled for your son. No unexpected scheduling changes. No moving between homes on a random schedule. It’s not fair to him – or you – or your ex.

Oh, and you don’t need to be “sweet” to your ex. Just be neutral. Don’t rise to her baits. It takes two to argue.

@zenvelo covered it off well.

@Danebiggs Many of us have gone through painful break-ups and we know how hard it is. But you have to be firm in your own mind that it is over and you have to get legal advice. If you can’t afford a lawyer maybe there is a legal aid service you can use or a lawyer doing pro bono work.. it sounds as if yout Ex will owe you support.

Keep talking to us, we do empathize but you do need to protect yourself and your son.

It may help if you make a list of the things she’s done and keep it somewhere (where your son can’t find it) and refer to it when you start to weaken. It helped me.

What matters is that you decide the direction are you going to go and start that journey always keeping your son close and safe by the decisions you make. I believe your wife is in your past.