Does it drive you crazy when your friends obsess about exes who were terrible to them?

Is this about me? LoL. : )

Fortunately, that’s never happened. If it did, hopefully I would take the advice of others and stay out of it. From what I’ve read, the friends that support the break-up often regret it when the couple gets back together and hold a grudge for the advice.

Which question to answer?

1. It doesn’t drive me crazy, I feel badly that they have had to go through the awful thing. I recognize that sometimes they need to take a long time to work past it. If it doesn’t abate, I worry, then suggest they read this book or go to see that type of counselor.

2.I don’t tell them “enough is enough” If they are close enough to me to be talking about it so much, we are close enough that I let them vent about it, until I feel they might benefit from me referring them to the methods I mentioned above.

On Facebook I had a “friend” (the daughter of an old high school classmate) who did that. On and on. Her mom finally called her out publicly, told her to stop whining!

I would never tell a friend that enough is enough. They must be in pain and need to talk about it. Even if they talk about it over and over.

I had only one “friend with a boyfriend” situation. It was slightly annoying, not because she’d constantly talk how good or bad was he to her, but because she’d constantly talk how she doesn’t want to talk about her relationship and breakup. All the time she was like “I never talk about my relationship to anyone, that is only between me and him. It’s our deal why we broke up.”. All. The. Time. She got annoying about being secretive. I mean, I didn’t even ask.
Thankfully, she got over him and finally shut up. I didn’t tell her anything, but I developed the “yeah right” reaction on the inside.

Yes it’s happened to me and I finally dumped the friend after 3 YEARS of drama.
I honestly have little tolerance or patience for people and their relationship dramas at my stage of life now. I get younger peoples dilemmas because they are young and inexperienced but for god fucking sakes if you’re over 40 and still find yourself in dysfunctional and drama ridden relationships just give it up and STFU around me. haha
I actually have a good friend that is in the middle of a break up with someone she has dated for the last 7 years and while the drama is minimal she actually said to me recently that “really, we only have an argument like every 6 months ” . Yeah but…when you do then you don’t see or talk to each other for the next 2 months.

OMG…thankfully she doesn’t overburden me with things.

It doesn’t drive me crazy, but my reaction depends on how long ago their break-up was. It takes a long time to heal and sometimes people need to vent and to talk about their pain.

In saying that I was away with some friends a while ago and the woman, who is now married to our friend, was going on and on about how badly her ex treated her. To the point where I suggested she needed to seek counselling (I said it nicely). She’s obviously still struggling with how that man treated her and hasn’t been able to move on. They haven’t been together for years.

When do I tell them? pretty fast.

I don’t have a lot of patience for listening to romantic drama – good or bad. It didn’t interest me when I was young, it truly bores me now. I was raised by a mother whose motto was “move on” when her friends came to them with their personal woes (this ‘goes back to the 1960;s).

I come from my romance drama intolerance honestly.

I’m not good with romantic dramas in entertainment either. Give me a good documentary any old day.

@Cooper_Saldana Hi, I didn’t mean to single you out. Your question did bring up some memories and that is why I asked the question, and my thoughts about some of my friends and relatives actions definitely influenced my answer on your Q.

When I was in my twenties, one of my good male friends had been dumped by his longtime girlfriend. She sounded like a real piece of work. He described everything that went wrong, including the fact that she didn’t want to be with him physically (apparently she had some mental and physical challenges to having intimate relations with him, but not the guy that she dumped him for). He was completely obsessed with her and suffered a great deal of depression due to his obsession with her. She, on the other hand, had hooked up with someone else while they were together, and ended up with the 2nd guy. She was always calling my friend up and reminding him about “their good times” and every time she did that, it would throw him into a tailspin and he would fantasize about getting back together with him. That never happened. She had no intention or desire to get back together with him, but she loved the attention that he lavished on her. He would have these awful weeping conversations with her and then he would tell me about them. This went on for years! He would send her “un-birthday” presents and “un-anniversary gifts” and he would give lend her money all the time. Even though she had a new boyfriend, the one she cheated on him with. He often used the word fantasy in the way he remembered her. It was very defeating for him.

Even earlier than that, I had another male friend who talked about his ex in terms of her being his fantasy. He was depressed a lot and kept hoping that she would come back to him. She had no interest in him, other than for what he could do for her. He was always doing her favors, helping her move, driving her here and there, giving loaning her money. This poor guy always compared any potential new girlfriend to this woman, so the new women always lost out. He would go on and on an on about how he was a “dreamer” and that this woman was his “fantasy woman” and he was depressed and alone for many years because of it.

Next on my list is one of my female cousins. She and her husband were married for 16 years. She and he were very big on making it known that they were Christians and that their marriage was a Christian union. So when her husband very un-Christianly cheated on her and left her, she became depressed and obsessed with what she did wrong, and how he could be so terrible and un-Christian. She never really wanted to bad mouth him, per se, and call him out for what he was, a cheater, because they were both Christians and that simply didn’t happen to or by Christians. Fast forward to today, 4 years later. My poor cousin is still distraught about this dude, but she still can’t get past the fact that they had a “Christian union” and that her “marriage sacrament” was still valid, etc. etc. etc. She is constantly in a state of “woe is me” even though she could and should move on, even with the help of Christian counseling, or whatever. She’s a nice woman, and very attractive, but she’s still so obsessed with her husband that she can’t move forth. She still claims to “cry every day” about it. It breaks my heart, because this cousin of mine has a heart of gold, but her obsession makes me and my other family members, and her friends weary, and fearful for her future. Her ex-husband moved on even before they were separated. That was over 4 years ago.

@Cooper_Saldana, I hope you are able to get into some type of support group so that you may move forth. No one deserves to feel like shit for years over someone who really didn’t care enough about them in the first place. Good luck to you : )

Thanks @Kardamom those experiences you shared give me something to think about.
My ex had a lot of those same qualities as the women you described, luckily I have been slowly getting better I do have my moments like on that question about my pictures on my phone. When I talked about our relationship I started crying for a moment and then later when I responded to you I broke down, but I think I just had to get some of those feelings out.
For the most part I am aware of the games she plays and the longer I’m on my own just taking care of my son the more I realize how nice it is to not have to clean up after my ex and argue about little things and worry about if she lied about paying a bill or where she is or who she’s with?
I know she’s not right for me and I really want to start dating, but I think I should be alone for a while longer first. I haven’t been single for a long time and I need to figure out who the hell I am at 37 and what I need?
Thank you for sharing with me.
You’re kinda the kick in the ass I need to stop pretending that my ex is my long lost love.
I’m just so used to her and how she treat’s me that I don’t know any different anymore.
I am actually excited to get myself together and maybe explore other women, I mean I really love women so I’m sure at some point I’ll try again.
I just need to heal first.
Thanks so much.: )

@Cooper_Saldana I completely understand how awful you feel. I’ve been dumped several times and I know how much it hurts. I definitely think you should take some time for yourself, in the sense that you shouldn’t necessarily look to date anyone just yet, but I don’t mean it in the sense that you should isolate yourself. Isolation is the last thing you need. What you do need is to be in the company of friends and relatives who not only love you, but like you and want to hang out with you.

You may also want to think about joining a divorced men’s support group, either in person or online, but don’t isolate yourself. Isolation just gives you more time and opportunity to dwell on your misfortune.

Also, if you feel like you can’t take all the photos off of your phone, pick one that is a picture of your ex wife with your child, not one of her alone, and not one with you in it. One picture, reminding you that she is your child’s mother. A person to treat kindly, but to remember that she is now just your child’s mother and not your wife, and not your friend. Take the other pictures off and transfer them to a hard drive. You don’t need to get rid of them.

Back in the days when I got dumped, we’re talking 20 and 30 years ago, I put all of my little trinkets, and photos and keepsakes into a box (I have 2 of these boxes for separate dumpings) and I keep them in my attic. That way I don’t feel like I was forced to abandon that part of my life, and knowing that they are there in those boxes, makes me not want or need to look at them. Maybe you could do something similar. : )

By the way, I think the name of my new band should be Separate Dumpings. Lol.

LoL, that’s funny.
I agree about the pictures I need to be realistic.
I definitely hang on to them because I lost her.
It maybe time to let go of those and maybe if she takes pictures this summer I can get a new one of her and our son so I’m not looking at old photos that have memories for me.
It stuck with me when you said that she’s not my wife and she’s not my friend.
You’re right.
All we can do is support each other as coparents now.
I know she would consider getting back together with me, but that’s what’s so dangerous for me and why I have to keep my distance.
It’s been a pattern with her forever. She leaves and end’s up coming back, but after all the shit we went through this time I have to be strong and not give her the opportunity to come back because I can’t be around her and not give in.
I’m like a magnet that’s drawn to her.
I really am pathetic.
So maybe I do need a support group?
I’d prefer to be in a group of divorced women and maybe fall in love with one of them, but I guess I’m missing the point.
Anyway, thanks again for listening and sharing your experiences.
It makes me feel like I’m not the only person to ever go through this and when you said that you hate to see people suffer for years over someone who never cared about them in the first place it helped me to see the big picture and realize that I’m wasting time looking at old pictures and day dreaming about my ex wife when she’s probably out screwing people, partying and doesn’t think much about me unless she need’s something or get’s depressed on the rare occasion that she’s lonely and starts texting me.
I need to find a way out if my isolation and try not to be scared of women and relationships after all this.
I’m gonna try to live differently tomorrow and start moving on.
Thanks.

@Cooper_Saldana : )

It would have to go on for years and years for it to really bother me. It’s very common for people to stay together even when the relationship is bad. Even when a person in the relationship is really awful. Especially, if they are married, or in a relationship for many years.

I would say in some circumstances people come out the other side and things get better, so rushing to break up isn’t necessarily the best thing. It really matters what the bad thing is. Sometimes people put up with some garbage, because overall they’re happy, but their friends mostly hear the complaints.

@JLeslie On this question, I am asking about people who have already broken up. Their relationships are already over, but they keep telling you terrible the relationship was, but they want that other (unavailable) person back, instead of moving forward with their lives.

@Kardamom I had misunderstood, but in the case you describe I’d still give a person a good 6 months of mourning time, maybe even a year of having waves of difficulty getting past everything. Again, I’m talking a long term relationship, over two years.

You know what I find sadder and yes, more frustrating? People (and especially women) I know who insist on wearing blinkers in relation to a partner who is treating them badly. I see girlfriends putting up with crap from their partners that is beyond the pale. Controlling behaviour, cheating and financial and emotional abuse and refusing to see what is pretty obvious to anyone else. That makes me much sadder than friends who are negotiating a break-up and finding it hard to move on. I feel so sad when I see some of my intelligent, beautiful friends putting up with absolute shit from men who do not deserve to share the air they breathe.

@Earthbound_Misfit Agreed 100%!