How do I tell my family (and my in-laws) that I do not want to eat the food most people eat to celebrate holidays?

You need to communicate that you have changed your diet, and will only eat a vegan diet. But you have no right to criticize or comment or react to what other people chose to eat.

If you can’t be tolerant of people eating as they choose to eat, then excuse yourself from the situation, and do so without saying why you won’t be there other than “I won’t be able to make it”.

My question has nothing to do with telling people anything about what they eat. It’s about what I won’t eat.

And I have the right to criticize people all I want. The typical response to anyone saying they are vegan. Automatically defensive. Typical fluther. Never mind the question here is what I want to say.

If you are at someone else’s house, I have no idea how you would address your discomfort being around their food. Even though I’m an omnivore now, there are a number of things that make me gag just seeing or smelling them. My sympathies there.

Not to eat it is actually simpler. Talk to them ahead of time and explain that you will be excited to bring something to share, if others would like to try it, but you really cannot eat anything but vegan food, as you will get sick if you deviate (and you will!) During my life I have been on a number of different dietary regimes, vegan among them, and my family was always incredibly rude. Other people, however, tended to be nice and understanding. It’s really the social equivalent to having food allergies.
“I’m sorry, I can’t have that with you, but I have brought this (name of dish) and I hope you’ll try some!” has worked for me in the past.
Tell your family to go suck it. ;-)

Why did I bother. Typical responses to anything vegan.

@canidmajor That is what I have been doing. I really don’t even want to sit at the table anymore. My in-laws have table settings my family does buffet style. Looking at the food quite frequently makes me feel sick.

Maybe I should just tell them straight out that I am not in anyway being offensive and I am not trying to be petulant or passive aggressive. If I leave the table the issue is mine and is no way related to them.

@johnpowell If people don’t start out all defensive and accusatory I do not just start attacking. If they persist I will absolutely say something.

Your decision to be 1 in 200 as far as food you eat; means you are in the minority by a long shot. It means most people are clueless about the foods and why you are eating it.

Explain what you do eat (including no butter, no eggs and no gelatin) ask if they can make one casserole or item you can eat.

@Tropical_Willie I bring my own food already. Sometimes they eat it too. I do not expect others to cater to my diet.

I’ve gone to a Thanksgiving at a neighbor’s house 35 years ago. They were Vegan and invited some of the other neighbors to come over the Friday after Thanksgiving. They made a spinach lasagna with tofu and tomatoes.
Maybe you bring that or something like it. But remember oven time about an hour.

Is it at all feasible for you to host? It’s a boatload more work (obviously) and insisting that no one else bring anything can really be a bear, but at least you can mostly control the food. If you can bear eggs and dairy on the table (not to eat, but to be around) people could bring sides.

Whatever advices given to you here you’ll eventually have to tell them the truth someday unless you plan to keep on making excuses for every single holiday feast. Just tell them you have been a vegan for quite some time and now you decide to admit to them. You said they’re wonderful people then surely people like them would be understanding. Or use a thrid party if you afraid to do it yourself, ask your wife to tell her family about your situation and that you’re afraid to tell them in fear of offending them, and ask her not to say that you’re the one who ask her to do this.

FWIW, I don’t seen anyone here criticizing vegans.

I think you could write to them in advance and let them know you are a vegan and will be bringing your own food. It sounds to me like that would address that part of the discussion. Or you could ask your wife to talk to them if that is a comfortable dynamic in your relationship.

As far as your discomfort with what they might put on their table, if that makes you so upset that you can’t handle it, I think you might have to excuse yourself and not go.

I am having an uncomfortable family time in a somewhat related way. My sibs and some of their offspring are very religious and will not be attending my son’s wedding celebration because they would have to break Shabbes. We thought we had made a substitute accommodation – a Friday night meal within walking distance but they cannot come to that. I feel for myself and everyone in this situation but I can only control what I can.

Edit: “don’t see”

I don’t think you need to make some huge BFD out of your food preferences and proclaim some mission statement to everyone. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing, bring your own food, eat what is appealing to you and if you can’t bear to sit at the community table because you are mortally offended and feel ill just go sit somewhere else with your plate of whatever you are willing and able to eat. If someone asks you can tell them but otherwise writing a letter or calling people just seems like snowflake behavior. Great, you’re now a certified Vegan but it doesn’t make you special or superior to those that are non-vegans.

It’s just another diet choice out of thousands. You say you don’t want anyone to cater to your preferences but in the act of proclaiming your distaste for the community table you are going to make people uncomfortable. If they don’t ask don’t say anything, and if they do, just keep it simple and tell them you have changed your diet to vegan only. No need to go all drama queen and exclaim how ill you feel sitting across the table from someone eating a slice of turkey breast.

Be humble and don’t offend others. If these family dinners are too much for you to handle then simply decline the invitation.

@tinyfaery I was not criticizing your vegan choice; I actually enjoy vegan meals and vegan cooking, and often have meatless days.

What I was trying to respond to was your own caution regarding speaking your mind. And advising you to not do so when a guest.

I’m pretty sure most posters are not getting what you are saying. I think I do. I am Vegetarian and sometimes it makes me sad/grossed out when I see people eating meat. Also I have the same reaction passing the meat areas in the grocery stores.

I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for you though, so this is mostly just support. I don’t know how you can get away from people eating meat/animal products. It’s everywhere. The only thing I can think of to do is to be totally honest with them.

Sadly they will probably think you are a total weirdo though.

I get it too. I’m often grossed out by the meat at the butcher counter. The thing is I don’t think you can ask people not to serve it.

@tinyfaery What can your wife do to support your feelings in this?

Well, I usually don’t eat everything that’s offered or available at big festivities. Do they have anything that they usually serve that would satisfy your palate? If so, I’d say eat before you go so you’re full, then just take some of whatever you are willing to eat. I don’t know that I’d say anything at all, just like I would not say anything at all to someone who served me something I didn’t like. I’d just take what I wanted and if someone questioned it I’d mumble something about “I haven’t been eating much lately, but it all looks so good.”
Can you bring a vegan dish to share?
Or, if it’s important to you that they know, perhaps your wife could say something to them.

Also, put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you worked all day, or for 2 days, preparing vegan foods, and someone came in and said, “I don’t like that,” or got up and left the table?

As I re-read your question, the issue doesn’t seem to be what you can/can’t eat but that you don’t think you can sit at a table with non-vegan offerings.

Will you be going to your in-laws for longer than a meal? or is it an eat-and-leave event?

If it’s just for the meal, go in with your wife, greet everyone and then go to another part of the house. No explanation needed for anyone except your in-laws, and they should be told in advance so no setting is on the table for you. Let them know you’ll join them for tea/coffee/drinks after the meal if that’s an option for you – I know it isn’t for all vegans.

If it’s a longer visit, do pretty much the same thing as above. Just stay away from the table for the holiday meal itself.

There is no need to discuss your choices/preferences with anyone.

__

For many years I worked with a woman who lived pretty much on poached chicken breasts. It was what she wanted and what she tolerated. Mealtime came and she excused herself and ate her chicken breast by herself. It happened at meetings/conferences. No discussion. She quietly stepped aside at mealtime, and reappeared about 45 minutes to an hour later. I don’t know that anyone ever questioned it. It was just how M did meals.

I eat little meat as well but, I do not like rabidly militant anything. I know someone who is super high maintenance when it comes to food and while I respect others choices I also feel if someones choice is disruptive to others they just need to get over it and either stay away or go with the flow if they are a guest in anothers home. There is almost always plenty of food choices at an event and one can easily avoid eating things they find distasteful or offputting.

I’m trying to see this from a “regular” point of view. Mine, for example. I’m invited to someone’s house, I go, and everything they’ve served simply grosses me out. Is there any reason for me to say something? How do I handle it?

Gosh, when I was 14 my boyfriend’s mother invited me to dinner. She served lamb. I’d never had it before. It was disgusting. However, I did everything I could to be pleasant (ie. not throw up at the table!) and eat what I felt that I could stomach. I think that’s what good manners dictate, but I could be wrong.

Why must it be a conversation? Eat what you want and leave the rest alone.

Are there people there who will try to force food on you?

Just say you’re vegan and can’t eat that. You can offer to bring your own food if it’s that much of a problem.

You’ve been a vegan for a year, they should’ve known by now. Or were you hiding it for some reason? Whatever.

If it’s that much of a problem (though I really don’t see why), just don’t eat the meat and stick to the salad. If anyone asks you, just tell what’s up or say “Your salad is excellent, I really like it” or “I’m on a diet” or whatever.

There.

No one’s head is going to fall off. You come there for the people, not the food.

and no, you don’t have the right to “criticize” other people’s food choices, especially if you came to their house as a guest.

She never said anything about criticizing other’s food choices.

Eh, my inlaws eat the worst, most unhealthy shit in great abundance. Seems like there is a get together for something every weekend. My MIL still insists that all her kids and their spouses have birthday parties. We are all ~40. Throw in the grand kids birthdays, any silly award someone gets, sometimes just for kicks and we’re always there practically being force fed transfat. I put my foot down but it did not go over well. Now, I just act like I’m eating and pick at my food but don’t eat it. I’m not wrecking my health just to be polite. When I was vegan my side of the family accommodated me with ease. If I were you I would not make a big deal over it, just eat any healthy sides that are offered and be stealthy about not partaking. Find a place to make you a hummus wrap on the way home.

@Dutchess_III “And I have the right to criticize people all I want.”

@Sneki95 Oh. I found that. Well. You’re right. If she doesn’t want to be criticized then she shouldn’t criticize others.

You do have the right to criticize people all you want, but when a guest in their home, the home of your family and inlaws, if you don’t want to ruin relationships and you do want to be invited back, you’ll try your best not to criticize them. Be gracious, be kind, be mindful that this is a happy occasion, a pleasant occasion. I agree with @Coloma. Don’t even discuss it.

I haven’t read the other answers, but I feel you should be honest. You are entitled to not eat or eat whatever you want. I’d be HIGHLY offended if someone criticized my choices of food.

I find it super odd that they do?

I also understand your disgust at meat etc. at the table, personally I would not go or not sit at the table. (I am not vegan but fully understand your feelings). Explaining why. It makes me feel, unhappy, sick whatever. Families have to deal with worse. Like drunken uncles, aunts that talk too much and creepy grandpas. That was a joke but you get the gist?

It seems to me that if you are too sick to stay at the table, you have limited choices. One, you can not attend. Two, you can attend, but excuse yourself when everyone sits down to eat. You can go eat on their porch or desk or in another room and rejoin everyone afterwards.

What is it that you want them to do? Only prepare vegan meals when you are coming over? Eschew their holiday traditions for yours?

I don’t think anyone on this thread is attacking your choice to be vegan.

@LornaLove I would agree with your assessment if she is willing to be open to criticisms against herself. Only if she would not be even a little upset if she worked hard and served a dinner and one of the guests said, “This makes me sick. I’m going to go in the living room until you’re done.”

No. None here is questioning your food choices, only trying to help you decide how you really want to deal with the situation. There has to be some sort of middle ground or else someone, whether it’s you or them, is going to be uncomfortable.

I like to cook, and if someone has strong food preferences I’m usually 100% ok with that, and I’m more than happy to cater to it. I’ll eat anything, as I’ve often said.

However, my husband has this one friend who doesn’t. Eat. Anything. He lives on pizza and McDonald’s cheeseburgers (hold the pickles and onions). The closest thing he’ll eat to a vegetable is the flavoring in the ranch dressing he puts on chicken wings.

Which would be fine, except that whatever I’m serving alongside the take-out pizza becomes the center of his conversation. Blah blah I don’t like salad, I can smell those onions, my mom never made me eat tomatoes so I hate them, blah blah blah…”

After the third time my entire dinner was spent listening to this grown-ass man whine like a toddler about the food he didn’t like, I told my husband he was more than welcome to invite the man over for short periods of time to chat or whatever, but he was no longer welcome to stay for a meal.

@Seek haha, years ago my ex husband had a very picky friend too. One night I made this amazing dinner and beautiful salads and he complained that the only thing he would eat in a salad was plain lettuce. Same drill as your husbands friend, went on and on about how his dad and his grandpa didn’t eat XYZ and he didn’t either. I took his salad back out to the kitchen and began removing every thing, tomatoes, pea pods, shredded carrots, onions, mushrooms etc. and then, accidentally dumped the whole bowl on the floor.

One of my few passive aggressive moments in life, I scooped up his lettuce off the floor, threw it back in the bowl and served it to him. I hope he got a few cat hairs and some kitchen floor whatever in that bowl of freaking lettuce. haha

@Coloma Lol

My dad is a very picky eater too. It annoys my mom greatly.

I have never had a guest say they didn’t like something I had served, and certainly never went on and on about why they hated something I’d served. That’s ridiculous. If they avoided certain foods, I certainly never noticed because I don’t care. I mean, I’d tell them before hand what they were having, to be sure they liked it, but noone ever gave me special instructions on how to cook specific foods just for them among 10 or 20 other people.
I’ve also never encountered anyone with a real life medical food problem…except my daughter. Turns out she’s wildly allergic to strawberries, so no no strawberry shortcake! I will provide strawberries in a bowl for others, if they want it, but keep it far away from her and make sure the kids wash their hands afterwards.

Some people! Where did this utter loss of manner come from?? I knew my manners by age 8.

Kind of looks like I’m going to be eating lamb, cooked by my DIL, tomorrow. Not so sure about this! But neither is she. But I won’t whisper a word in front of the kids, no matter how horrible awful I might find it!

To get back to your original question and details @tinyfaery, I think your discomfort would best be communicated to her parents by your wife. I know my sons are the one who talk to me about issues that their wives may have with something I am doing or planning and they (generally) are the ones who can handle the communication best. First talk to your wife and decide together what action you want to take about this situation and then have her call or e-mail them. And I would definitely do it in advance of the day. If she can be honest and gentle, that would be great.

I’m an omnivore, but I love vegan food. I take out food from veSTATION every week.

I know my outlook might not apply to your situation, but if I was hosting a holiday foodfest and if any of my guests didn’t want to be around any dietary carnage, I’d make it a meatless meetup.

Perhaps it’s easier for me though. My brother’s a lacto-vegetarian, and except for this one bloated oaf, none of the rest us have any overriding attachment to dead flesh. Many of us have really enjoyed dining at Follow Your Heart, Leonor’s, and Little Pine.

How would your wife feel about making the holiday a Vegfest? Perhaps your in-laws perspectives might not be, “How dare a vegan impose her dietary agenda on us poor carnivores!”, and instead might be, “A meat-free meal would be good for our spirits and our health”.

@Dutchess_III The point would be one would say before the dinner. Not at the dinner, that would be highly rude to the host.

I completely understand your pain about feeling horrible regarding the animals. I am a vegetarian (not vegan) and I think about this often, but I have somehow managed to compartmentalize my pain and disgust. The people, family and friends and strangers, who still eat meat don’t think about this on any regular basis, they just don’t, for myriad reasons. It’s not my place to figure out what their reasons are. I have made my choice based upon my experience and reasoning. I cannot expect anyone else to do that.

That being said, if I felt as terrible as you do, and I completely believe that you do (because if I un-compartmentalize my thoughts about this, I feel like that too, and have had horrible bouts of sadness regarding this issue) I would first send a nice (nice might mean something completely different to me than it does to you) note to your wife’s family. It needs to be nice and polite and not patronizing. It needs to be about you, and not them. It needs to be about how you are currently living your life, and not about how they are living their lives (read: eating and serving meat).

You need to let them know that you care about them, and respect their ways (whether you do or not). Then just let them know that because you are now a vegan, you will not be able to participate in the meals with them all, and although you regret that (whether you do or not) you do not want to create any unnecessary drama or ill feelings at mealtimes, so you will not be able to join them for meals, but would like to still be included in other aspects of shared socialization (whatever that might entail in your particular case, such as games, coffee and dessert away from the dinner table, or whatever it might be) unless you’d prefer to forgo it all.

I would just stress that you make your letter as polite as possible. These people are your wife’s family, and she most likely loves and respects them, so it would be a disservice to you and she, if you were to purposely insult or hurt them. That’s not to say that they won’t be hurt or insulted, but you need to try really hard not to do that. If you feel so strongly that you think you need to tell them exactly how you feel in a way that you know is going to be upsetting to them or to your wife, please don’t. Just don’t go and let them wonder why you never show up.

You are probably going to be looked down upon, pitied, or spoken about behind your back, but that is one of the consequences of not going along with the crowd. I find myself in that boat sometimes, but now that most of my friends and relatives know (if they can remember, because they often forget) that I am a vegetarian and have some food restrictions (not to the extent that you do) it seems like I am a minor footnote now, after so many years, rather than being a huge black stain.

We live in a world (and if you are from the U.S., which I recall that you are) and a country where most people eat meat. Lots of people wear leather shoes and belts, or carry leather purses and wallets. Furniture in homes, cars, and businesses are often made from leather. You have to make a decision about whether you want to completely isolate yourself from your own society, or to learn how to compartmentalize your feelings, or how to stand up for your beliefs and be a teacher/leader without hurting or alienating other people who have different backgrounds and beliefs, or whether you want to stand up and be an anarchist and just shout to everyone about what you believe and take the consequences.

I completely understand your situation, but you will have to make some hard decisions about how you want to go forth. I wish you luck. Please check back with us and let us know how it’s going. We’re still here for you, even if you to decide to do something that maybe we would do differently : )

@LornaLove So it’s OK to accept an invitation to someone’s house, get there before dinner, and say, “Oh, I don’t like that. I’m going to another room.”?
The manners I learned would have me sit at the table and eat what I could eat, and politely, and as discretely as possible, avoid eating that which I did not want to eat, but certainly to never, at any point express dislike for the meal.
If I was asked directly, then sure. “I just don’t like XYZ. My folks used to force me to eat it as a child, and the memories turn my stomach every time I look at it, so I have just avoided it ever since. I have no desire to try it, either, but thank you very much.”

@Dutchess_III You’re a big details writer. Did you even read the details of this Q at all? That’s not what the OP was talking about doing.

@Dutchess_III Of course? Why not? All guests should be accommodated that is the polite thing to do from a hosts side.

Goodness, when I took my colleagues to lunch or dinner, I had to make absolutely sure that every taste was catered for. Muslims would not even eat at certain restaurants because the food that the other guests were eating was not halaal for example. Hindus obviously did not want to eat beef, wheat and gluten intolerance had to be considered. Just because you are family does not mean you should shovel the food down your throat like a three-year-old. The family should care more surely?

I don’t think the OP would express her dislike. I think what she was saying was that is how she feels about the meal. To relay that to a family member should be respected. What would be the other solution that she just shut up and eat it?

When a host or hostess has guests to their home, they’re not obligated to cater to every dietary whim. When a guest is going to someone’s home, it’s about the companionship, not the food. If a guest has dietary wants or needs, she should take care of her needs on her own, maybe by eating something at home first, or bringing something for everyone to share, as @tinyfaery said she is doing.

I don’t think anybody here is saying @tinyfaery should just shut up and eat the food, @LornaLove.

@janbb You might read prior responses before you make accusations of people not reading the detailt. I was responding to @LornaLove‘s comment, “The point would be one would say before the dinner. Not at the dinner, that would be highly rude to the host.” I think that showing up to dinner and then saying they don’t like the food, even if it’s an hour before dinner is served, is just as rude as waiting until you are seated at the table.
The OP is going to avoid that, as the question and the details make clear. How to do it without being unnecessarily rude it the dilemma.

If someone invites you to dinner, and says what they’re going to serve, and you don’t like it, just politely decline and leave it at that, instead of saying, “No, I don’t like that. Serve something do like.” That is what I would suggest. If it was THAT important to me that I couldn’t just suck it up and go for the company, I would politely decline. Perhaps throw a dinner party for them at another time.

@tinyfaery Since Passover and Easter just occurred, I was wondering if you were able to come up with a plan? If so, I hope it worked out with the least amount of angst on everybody’s part.