Are there things in your life that remain broken?

Some. Either I have tried and not succeeded, or I have retired from the fray for a respite.

My self-esteem.

There is a lot in my life that is broken, but by this point in my life, I’m too tired to fix the broken so I put blinders on and ignore all that I am able to.

Mainly relationships with some family members; one of which I’ve deliberately broken and one in which someone has broken off from me. And there are other wounds that will never completely heal.

Existentially, yeah, I am old enough to be too tired to keep bashing away at that stuff.

In the physical, thing-based world, yeah, I figure out pretty quickly what I need to have working versus what would just be a bit more convenient to have working.

The only thing broken in my life is my bank account and yep, it’s not fixable, short of winning the lottery, writing the next blockbuster screenplay or marrying some rich old fart, none of which are likely or desirable. haha

Relationships with some people. Some were deliberately broken by me, especially the recent ones. Sometimes I feel bad that they are no longer with me, especially when they were the one that I broke. But overall, most of them weren’t worth keeping.

But there’s something I can’t deny: they still hurt to some degree, especially those that I had too much emotional attachment when they were there. I’m in a catch 22 situation when both keeping and letting go hurt. And I feel horrible when I see old photos of people who were once meant for me. We are now like strangers.

God yes. I am such a work-in-progress.

I will probably never feel totally at peace with my body, but at least it is broken less severely and less frequently than it used to be. It’s been 10 years now since diagnosis, 6 years since colectomy, and I’m still an anxious mess and have a bad habit of using my poor health as an excuse for all my shortcomings. I feel like I was finally starting to make progress on this front when I had 3 consecutive good-health years, and I was starting to feel like I had no choice but to move on, and then wham, another emergency, another surgery, and now I’m right back where I was. Fixated and anxious. This may just be a part of me that I live with. I feel like I’m learning how to do that, at least.

Currently the financial support for my retirement is gone. There’s a very faint glimmer of hope on the horizon, but I’m not counting on it.