Boyfriend can never find time to text or call when he's out with friends or out of town. Am I more of a convenience to him than a girlfriend?

Ask yourself this question. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

@anniereborn definitely not, no. Thank you for the response.

Talk to each other.

How long is he away for? What are the emergencies you speak of? Why don’t you let him know you plan to come home on his day off?

You both sound controlling. I wouldn’t be happy about being controlled by anyone. If you don’t trust each other, you really don’t have a relationship.

I think you spend too much on him.You have to know that he is not the whole part of your life.Your boyfriend may understand this,while you don’t.Thus you feel dissatisfied about this.You make me think of a sentence of Byousoku 5 Centimeter(a Japanese anime),which in English says,“We’ve texted thousands of messages but our hearts weren’t even 1 centimeter closer.“Got it？Maybe you can spend more time in reality and konw more about him and you’ll find less lonely.

@Earthbound_Misfit This time he’s away for a week. In the past I’ve traveled without him for work or to visit family for about the same amount of time. I also didn’t think me stopping home was a big deal because we live in the same apartment, it’s a 2min walk from my work and all I was doing was stopping home to eat food until my next appointment. If we lived further from my work, I would have texted him or called. If the roles were reversed, I’d be excited to see and spend time with him, even if he didn’t give me a heads up because we barely get a day off together. All he was doing was sitting on the couch watching tv and I ended up leaving shortly after because I felt unwelcome in my own apartment. I don’t see how wanting to talk to my significant other before I go to bed about how their day was, when they’re hundreds of miles away is controlling? I like talking to him.

@function2 I will admit that I do need to focus on myself more. It’s just difficult because the more I do and the more I focus on improving myself and my work, the more he thinks I’m pulling away and that something is going on with me or that I’m planning on leaving him.

@function2 Also, I’d like to add that he seems too focused on himself and barely shows any interest in what I do or like, doesn’t ask me questions about myself or anything outside of “how was your day?” Just seems like he can easily carry on a conversation with anyone except me. Which I don’t understand. I don’t understand why he wants to be with me if there’s no genuine interest in me as a person. :/

It’s troublesome if so….
Here I’m not instigating you,I experienced similar thing,the ending is bad.You have to be ready for the worst situation and bear it,though sounds so merciless for you.He’s used to your presense.But anyway,at least he’ll be annoyed if he thinks you’re pulling away right?You’re facing a much better situation than I was.It won’t lead to the worst situation if so.Being aware of if he still loves you is better than anything and you’ll won’t be so sensitive(maybe).

Not responding by txt and not calling as often as you’d like doesn’t seem like much of a big deal to me, but this is a deal-breaker:
“If there’s ever going to be conflict about something he just lies instead of facing it.”
No relationship will survive that.

Three years is a long time to be in the “answer every call and text right away” stage.

I’m Team Boyfriend on that.

When Hubby and I are apart (we’ve been married almost ten years) we might check in every couple of days if something interesting happened worth talking about, and maybe a text a day to check their pulse. There’s no expectation that it will be answered instantly… It’s much more rude to text in a movie theatre than it is to make your partner wait a few hours for a reply.

Suspiciousness, though, is a major red flag. Cheaters are obsessed with the idea of their partner cheating.

Agree with @Seek.

And there’s no excuse for him to be upset because you came home to eat lunch. Why should he care one way or another how you eat lunch, unless HE is hiding something? This is another huge red flag.

Not answering right away is ok, because everyone can be busy and it’s ok to not be constantly checking the phone, but not answering ”all day” is not ok. If someone can’t find sixty seconds to send a text within, say a ten hour day, something is wrong.

The coming home for lunch thing, too, is weird.

My thoughts were that this is painting a picture that is not ok.

@Seek I guess I just have a weird a feeling that something is going on with him which creates a bit of paranoia. I’ve caught him in really dumb lies before because he didn’t want to talk about anything. An old fling of his randomly wished him a Happy Valentines Day this past February with a bunch of heart emojis… but he supposedly doesn’t talk to her anymore…and she’s not in the same city as us anymore so I guess why worry? __ While I was out of town for work the last time… I found out from a mutual friend that he told her her friend was gorgeous while they were out at a bar and told her to keep it “hush hush.” His excuse was he had been drinking and he regretted doing it. Mind you he’s never called me gorgeous and barely compliments me. Also when we both traveled together he wished he could stay up way later to keep texting a mutual friend of ours… that he apparently has zero romantic feelings for… yet our entire relationship he hasn’t been the best with communicating, and he would never want to talk to me on the phone for more than 5mins and always has something going on. So I guess that’s why I’m bothered with the whole texting and calling thing. Tells me he misses me then doesn’t really act like it.

@Amoeba005: Others may say this is ok behavior, I say this all, added up, is a bunch of red flags.

Ok, so you’ve been seeing red flags for quite a while now. Are you collecting them? Why haven’t you left already?

@snowberry I’ve tried? I told him he doesn’t seem that interested in me and he should see other people. Assures me still loves me, things go okay for a bit then I get an assortment of excuses as to why he’s a crappy boyfriend. He convinces me he’ll be better and I’m dumb enough to believe him.

@Amoeba005: It’s possible he enjoys visiting you and having sex with you and then doing something similar elsewhere.

@Amoeba005 It seems obvious to me that this is a one sided relationship. You do all the accommodating, and communicating. What do you get out of this relationship? Anything at all?
I believe you know what is the only action to take that honors yourself. Save yourself more of the same treatment. You are a convenience. HIS! Only as long as YOU participate.

This guy is not a good match for you. He sounds like a jealous jerk, who is possibly using his jealous outrage as a smokescreen for his own infidelity.

No one needs to chit chat by text all day long if they are working, but this guy is clearly not answering, or turning off his phone on purpose. Most of rhe couples I know, the content ones, check in on a regular basis, daily, even if it’s just to say, “Hi, I’m on my way home, do we need milk?”

This guy is avoiding being in contact, and giving you bullshit answers for why he can’t talk to you. Everybody has time to check in if they want to. Checking in should not be a demand by the person who needs it, it should be a courtesy by the person giving it. It is common courtesy to check in

I would leave this guy in a heartbeat. I don’t care how long you have been together. Imagine another 20 years of this treatment.

Find someone else with whom you are more compatible. Good luck to you

Is he always controlling and possessive and secretive? This doesn’t sound good to me.

There’s a saying…we teach people how to treat us. You have taught him he can ignore you, not make the time/effort to communicate and stay in touch, and be a crappy BF and you still come around for more. I say shock the shit out of him and tell him it’s over, that YOU are ready to move on and best wishes buddy. Women need to take CHARGE not leave it to the guy. This relationship is not working for you, forget about what he says, take charge. You aren’t going to change him so go find someone that is a better match for you.

Sadly I see a lot of similarities between your current situation and a past relationship I was in.
Dishonesty is like a sickness with some people and it becomes a way of life for them.
If you’ve caught him in lies and he freak’s out if you come home unexpected and he doesn’t have any desire to occasionally check in with you then it’s possible that he is your worst nightmare and your little suspicions about him are nothing compared to what he’s actually been doing.
I hope he isn’t cheating and using you, but prepare yourself emotionally and financially to be able to survive in case you find out that he is.

Red flags all over the place. This guy’s double standards would be a reason for me to say goodbye. It reminds me all over about a guy I was engaged to in New Zealand. He was a bit older than me and a control freak. Right down to telling me that if I put on weight, he wasn’t going to touch me in bed. He wouldn’t allow me to go out if he wasn’t with me, so I couldn’t go out with my girlfriends or to my work functions if partners weren’t allowed. He was very jealous and very controlling. I never should have given him the years I did. Men like that, regardless of how good looking they are, aren’t worth it. He ended up breaking up with me because he was sleeping with a new girl while he was down at that police academy.

@cazzie, you should write a book on what types of men to avoid. You’ve had more than your fair share of bad guys. I just wonder if the young women would be able to spot them, even with the big red flags flapping in their faces. Maybe people need to have a horrible experience before they can see the signs. What do you think? Do you think it’s possible to help people spot the warnings before they get involved?

You can only help someone if they’re willing to be helped, @Kardamom.

@Kardamom Nope. There really isn’t any help. I was warned.

You sound like me, lol. You’re not alone :(