Would you rather be super busy and have more money for your family or just get by and have a lot of time with your family?

I’m a single mom with no family other than my 12 year old son. I need a balance. I work long hours when I have work and I just get by. I am used to busy. Would like a better paying job.

I have the feeling your son is little, @SensitiveChris. I’d say what everyone tells me and has told me since my daughter was born – enjoy this time with them. My daughter is almost ten now and it sure has gone fast. I’m now thinking about how it won’t be long till she’ll be in high school and then off to college. I have a job where it’s pretty much “office hours” but an occasional evening for a meeting. Still, I don’t usually take days off unless it’s exceptional, like a school field trip. I have a government job with good pay and good benefits (pension, etc.).

I’d say for you, evaluate how well you’re doing paying the bills. Are you broke when payday comes around or are you ok? If you’re ok, keep with what you have for now. If you’re broke, then you gotta do what you gotta do (meaning work more). Only you know how your finances are. Can you afford little luxuries like vacations? or are you strapped for cash?

The first one.

In case I ever get a family, that is, though I don’t really plan on that.

@jca I am doing ok, but can’t take vacations and I’m out of money by my next check usually.
I’m gonna end up taking the job because it’s what I told my boss I wanted years ago and it doesn’t become available very often.
I just want to make sure I’m not making a mistake.
I want to have a great bond with my son and I want to be a good dad.
I’m just trying to figure out what that is?
I need a balance somehow?

No one goes to their deathbed wishing they’d taken more overtime.

Some go to their deathbed wishing they’d done better for their family. I know I will.

Work with your son as a team. Make a lemonade stand or help deliver newspapers with him. So you get the best of both worlds. Time together and money.

It’s a tough quandary. My daughter faces the same issues, as a single parent. She has no choice but to opt for more work, if they offer it.

I would accept more work, and I would talk to my son and tell him that we will have less time together. Unfortunately, money is important.

Are you a single parent?

@Dutchess_III To whom is that question addressed?

If to me, no.

Maybe at the same time, you can look for a job that pays better so you can work the amount you are working now but still make more money than you are now.

To the OP. If you have other family members to pick up the slack, it’s easier on the guy who has to work, and the child still has family interaction.

@Dutchess_III Thankfully my mother is retiring soon and hopefully she can help a little.
I still don’t know what to do?
I don’t wanna work more I’m just scared of being screwed in the future if I don’t save us some money.
@jca If it doesn’t work out I may have to take your suggestion and find a job that pays more and allows me to be off work in the evenings when my son is home from school or I can break it to my ex wife that she has to cut some of her shifts and watch OUR child while I work more and can make a salary close to what she makes, but there’s no way she will take a pay cut ever. We’ve been down that road and so it leads to a divorce with a custody agreement and lawyers and fighting and on and on…
We are separated and we leave each other alone now and I’m better off to figure this out on my own.
I love my son more than anything so maybe I can rob a bank or something?
Just kidding.
Thanks for the input guys, I realize now that there is no perfect answer so I have to do some trial and error I guess?

Does your job offer 401 K? Also, would have the option of trying to work more hours and then changing your mind?

Please hang around, and let us know what you decide and how it’s going.

Thanks, luckily the job doesn’t start till fall, but my boss is purposely moving other employees around just so she can put me in this position.
I feel like I can’t back out unless I quit all together.
At least we’ll enjoy the summer and see how it goes in the fall.
I’ll let you know, thanks.

I have had jobs were I worked 80 hours a week. It was fucking miserable. I don’t have a family but I like some free time.

I have busted my ass to work 10 hours a week. Literally, hundreds of thousands of lines of code to sit in the park with beers and a book while the cash rolls in.

@SensitiveChris: How many hours a week is your job going to have you working?

@jca I can’t answer that because you guys might get mad at me, LoL.
I own my home and the property I live on so I only work part-time, but I like to be available for my son as much as possible.
Summer break, Easter break, Christmas break, Spring break and any days he’s sick and has to stay home.
I’ve been with him for many years.
He was scared of the dark so I slept on an air mattress at the foot of his bed until he was like 9 years old, he’s my best friend.
I feel like I’m exposing my real problem which is that I really don’t deserve any simpathy on this issue because I’ve probably gotten to spend more time with my child than most people ever get to and I can’t let go of that privilege and I really love him and he’s so well behaved and I’m possibly over parenting and should work more and give him freedom.
I’m just scared to because I was one of those kids that roamed around town with nothing to do but get in trouble and I wanted to be more available for my son.

How old is he?

My kids had to roam too, for about 2 hours after work. They were 12 and 14. I made sure they did their chores before I got home just to keep them at the house a little longer. If / when they went someplace they had to let me know. When they were leaving one place to go to another, even to the park with their friends, they had to let me know. They never got in any trouble.

I feel for you. I wanted to be a full time Mom, but in the end it just wasn’t possible. But the kids understood. They even got paper routes as soon as they could because I didn’t have any spending money to give them.

Now I’m off to the kindergarten program that one roaming child’s daughter has!

@Dutchess_III He’s still 9 going on 10 soon.
When I was 9 years old I would occasionally hop in the truck with my dad when he went to work at the farm and he just showed me how to drive an old car that was in a field and I’d sit on a skateboard so I could see and I’d rip around in that old car all day otherwise I was at the arcades playing pool with grown men or sitting in the video store waiting for a movie to be returned until the woman behind the counter would wanna get rid of me and give me quarters out of the cash register so I would leave and go back to the arcade.
Then I’d go to the public library and when I’d enter the women there would whisper “He’s here everyday” and I’d make them special order all kinds of really expensive books about Ninjas and Samurai warriors just so I could look at them.
Then I’d go to the pharmacy and sit in the chairs with the people waiting for prescriptions and I’d look at the new Spider-Man comics or I’d just ride my bike around town bored and so lonely.
My parents had 3 kids and they both worked and I had way too much free time.
I would find my parent’s “Adult Entertainment” and watch it because no one was ever home.
I just don’t want my son to be lonely or to get into anything bad like I used to.
Sigh…I gotta let go sometime I guess?

Well, there are options such as after school care programs or getting your mother involved. I understand your wanting the time with him but it seems like you have to make more money for the both of you. Why not spend the time over the summer looking in to some good child care options. He is too young to be left on his own.

He is too young. Does he not have any friends? It doesn’t sound to me like you got in trouble, and it was your parent’s fault for having “adult movies” that were accessible to you. Yes, you’re going to have to find daycare of some kind. Remember, it’s hard, but you also set a good example when you work hard. Does your town have a public pool? I was there all day, everyday, all summer.

Thanks guys, I did get into more trouble as I got older partying and drinking at a young age etc.
I agree that working hard sets a good example and I actually take him to work with me sometimes because I never let him have a babysitter until I just started letting my mom watch him just this year because of my separation and having to move and work etc.
I have trust issues because my dad drank a lot when I was young and I have some issues with my mom that I don’t want to talk about.
Anyway, I’ve been obsessively watching my child since he was a baby even the thought of my ex taking him travelling gives me anxiety, but I’m slowly letting go.
We have to travel to a pool, but I never totally grew up and I kinda wanna be pushing my son on the swings and going down the waterslide with him and watching Superhero movies together.
Work sucks!

LOL! Well, there are these things called weekends and days off! He really has to learn some independence. It will make the times you do have together that much sweeter.

Is your current income stable enough? If so I’d say go for your son. You are a single dad and the only immediate family he can count on, and it’s not like you two will starve to death without money.

@SensitiveChris: How many hours do you work now? How many hours are you supposed to start working?

@jca Just to be clear I’ve worked a lot of different jobs in my life starting when I was 15. I’ve worked full-time, part-time, multiple jobs at a time, one job in the oilfield that was 14 hour days so I’m not unable to work and my life is better now because I worked so hard, but since my wife or (ex wife) went back to her crazy work schedule after her maternity leave I wanted to quit my full-time job and go to part time work so I could raise my own child.
No offense to childcare workers, but I wanted a child and to be a dad and I just thought that he would probably listen to me better if I raised him myself as much as possible so I sacrificed a lot of money and a job I worked 12 years to get so I could be at home more and take care of our son.
Now I work 4 hours every evening and I’ll be switching to 6 hours so I’ll be home late and I won’t be able to bring my son along at all and I won’t be home until 11:30 at night so I won’t be able to put him to bed and I’ll be tired every morning when I drive him to school.
I’ll still see him during the day on holidays and weekends, but I’m used to talking about his day and talking about how the teachers and other kids are treating him and I feed him and help him with his homework etc.
I’m worried about missing that and I’m just gonna have to figure out some way to make everything work?
If I get a day job then when he’s on summer holidays or Spring, Easter, Christmas or sick etc. There would be nobody around except maybe if my mother’s available?
That might be an option?

@SensitiveChris: So you will be working from about 5 to 11 and right now I’m guessing you work 5 to 9, correct? Who watches your son now when you’re at work? Are you not able to work during the day or get a job where you work “office hours” and are free in the evening? I work for government, day time “office hours” and so I’m free at night when my daughter is home from school.

I have to start at 5:30pm at the earliest, but I can start later if I am able to drop my son off at my exes on my way to work like if she’s on a shift where she’s done work at 9:30 and can keep our son overnight I can spend the whole evening with him and then work late and sleep in.
If my ex isn’t available I either have to take my son to work with me or see if my mom can watch him until 9:30–10:00, but after my new schedule starts I won’t be able to start work late because it’ll take me all night or I won’t get home until 11:30 if he has a babysitter and it’s way too long to take him to work with me.
I work for a maintenance Company so I only work after normal business hours and usually by myself.
It’s hard for me to work days because my ex is never available.
@jca who watches your daughter when she’s home from school?
Here in Canada they get a lot of breaks when they’re home for like 1 to 2 weeks at a time Christmas, Easter, Spring and for 2 months during Summer holidays and the teachers get PD days or preparation days when the kids stay home or sometimes they go to a Teacher’s Convention so the student’s get an extra long weekend and are home.
I end up watching him during those breaks or whenever he’s sick.
See my ex worked constantly and blew most of her money and when she wasn’t working she was out cheating on me and was hardly ever home.
I just got used to being dad and mom and getting groceries, doing laundry, cleaning house and everything else and working when I could.
Even now that we are separated I still think she lies about her schedule and spends her time at her sleezy boyfriends place and probably gets high because when she texts me I can’t even understand a word of it.
I’m just worried about spreading myself too thin and not having any lee way in my schedule to make life good for my son.
It’s already hard enough on him being dropped off and picked up and going back and forth constantly so I wanna make sure that I at least have time for him.

@SensitiveChris: I pay for the YMCA which is on-site at the school after school. They also have summer camp and when school has a half day, early dismissal due to a holiday (day before break, etc.) they have care the whole day. The rate for that comes to about 25 per day, which, I pay for 4 days of. It comes to a little more than $400 per month. On Thursdays she has tennis lessons so she’s not paid at the Y for that day. Y is pretty flexible and if I needed to switch a day for some reason I could.

Maybe next year she’ll be there less days and she’ll be coming straight home. I have a friend that comes over to be with her but she’ll be in 5th grade which is an age where she doesn’t really need such intense watching like a littler kid. If I didn’t have to be at work, I could have her in more after school activities but that requires being here to drive her around and I’m not around, I’m at work. There are extra activities I can pay for through the Y, but some require driving her someplace and some she can do on-site. She does Clay on Tuesdays, onsite, for one hour and then back to the Y. I could always ask another parent to drive her to an activity but I’m not one to ask for favors from people if I can avoid it.

If I were you, the ex sounding high would be a big concern to me. Is there a way you can get her tested for drugs, maybe through the court? Maybe if you bring it up, she can be made to do an evaluation.

Your son lives with you or your ex? Does he do any after school activities?

She’s a compulsive liar and narcissistic and possibly sociopathic.
I’m scared of her so I just stay the hell away from her, give her all the freedom she wants and try to be a consistent, solid parent and home for my son to come to if he’s having problems with his mom.
He lives with both of us and he just goes back and forth as my exe’s schedule dictates, but realistically I have him most of the time.
He’s not currently in any after school programs because our schedule is so inconsistent.
He was in soccer at one point, but not anymore.
I gotta stop talking about my ex now because it sends me into depression.
It’s like a trigger for me.
I can’t change her or deal with her so I just stay the hell away from her and do the best I can otherwise she destroys me.
I’m no good to my son when I’m depressed and not sleeping and irritable from having contact with her.
I know lawyers etc.could help me, but she’s not normal and I’ve learned to just let her have her way and to value my space from her.
That’s why I’m constantly in recovery and I’m “Sensitive Chris.”
I don’t have a lot of faith in relationships or confidence or self-esteem anymore, I just have a kid that I love so I do what I can for him.

It sounds like you’re a great father to your little boy. Keep us posted, ok?

@SensitiveChris You do sounds like a great father but you also need to work on getting a divorce settlement with parenting duties spelled out so you are not under your Exe’s thumb. This will allow you to figure out a work schedule that is good and consistent and you may possibly get some financial support from your Ex.

Thanks guys that means a lot.
I wanna be a good dad more than anything and my son deserves a good dad.
He’s the reason I’m alive.
I would’ve jumped off a bridge when I found out everything the woman I loved had been doing if it weren’t for the fact that I have the sweetest little boy to raise.
He saved my life.

I’m pretty sure in your situation I’d accept more work, but only because you are literally check to check. If I had a cushion of 6 months worth of expenses in savings, and could save even the smallest bit every month, I would choose to work less, and keep the status quo if I was very happy with the my time spent with my family. Having no savings if I had a child would feel very scary to me.

I’m hoping the more work isn’t a really crazy amount of work where your dollar per hour winds up much lower than what you make now, I’ve been in that situation. Then it’s probably not worth it.

Also, if paying for child care will eat up your extra pay, it might not be worth it, unless this job is a stepping stone to a much better paying job.

Be super busy and have money