Are we meant to be together if all we do is fight and argue a lot?

1. If you are both serious about having a relationship go to see a counselor as soon as possible, no excuses why you can’t do that, but…... if your partner is not interested in doing so you will have to accept that and then decide if you wish to stay in a relationship with someone that is not meeting your needs.

2. It is not uncommon for couples to have communication incompatibilities where one wants more interaction/talking and the other more space and less talking. See # 1.

3. If what he has to offer is not enough for you do not expect hm to change and do not harass him to change. He has to WANT to meet you halfway, if he doesn’t that is his choice. If you cannot accept him as he is then you may need to move on, but you have no right to beat him up for not being able to give you what you want. That never works. Go back to #1.

We are living halfway across the world and I know he won’t go to a counselor. Rather, I need a counselor because I feel like I am the one who is the cause of everything. I already have self-esteem issues and I take things personally, he says 80–90 percent of all the troubles we are facing is because of me. He says that I am mentally disturbed but his statements hurt me a lot because I have a tendency to feel guilty all the time and when I hear this from him, it hurts my soul. :(

You haven’t seen him in a year and a half
He wants PEACE, even though he has not seen you in a year and a half.
He is reluctant to see you after a year and a half.
He thinks you are mentally disturbed. That’s a diagnosis, and he is probably not qualified to make it, but something has made him draw the conclusion or he simply doesn’t want to be totally honest for whatever reason and is using that as a smoke screen.
Either way, that is not good.
I am sure it is tough for you to be objective but the truth is…

You can go all in that it is over.

Josie, how can I believe that it is over if he himself says that he loves me, he even cries at times and says sorry to me because he made me cry or because of how he reacted. He says he cares for me, says he is making efforts to talk, he says I should appreciate that he is talking no matter for whatever amount of time. Can you please tell me what should be my immediate action? I can’t deal with this turmoil anymore and neither does he, but I also don’t want to quit.

If he values you as he says he does, he’ll consider your needs as legitimate as he does his own.

Otherwise he’s just using you, and you’re better off without him. Sorry, but that’s MY diagnosis!

Sounds like Fluther. We argue all the time and it works.

He makes me believe that it’s my fault because he says I am the one who sits down and expects him to talk longer and not him. He says ‘I do call you every night right, so I am not ignoring you, then why do you keep complaining each day and make me frustrated/irritated because of your behavior?” I have no answer to this!
May I please know ‘why I need more talking?’ ‘am I normal?

@Khajuria9 Then, you have to accept he is making an effort and that maybe he is more introverted than you and needs less talking. Maybe you should seek personal counseling in the meantime and, hate to tell you but, a long distance relationship with somebody half the way around the world with these kind of communication issues is not likely to work out. Why are you not seeking a relationship with someone in your own geographic area? If you can’t deal with the turmoil anymore but don;t want to quit well then…something has to give otherwise all you are doing is choosing to stay in a drama filled situation.

Just because two people have an initial attraction to one another does not mean they are going to be compatible in the long run. If he is quiet by nature you are not going to change him so that means you either A. Change your expectations for him or B. break up. You do sound emotionally demanding and maybe your needs are more than he can handle.

Coloma, I appreciate your answer but he isn’t an introvert. he talks a lot. and I might be sounding emotionally demanding to you but this is happening because I have gotten extremely depressed. My work and every aspect of my life is suffering, I am in anxiety but I am not sure if I am blaming him for anything. Is it wrong to expect your guy to talk to your for half an hour a day peacefully?

Having gone through a divorce after 12 years of struggling to make things work, I gotta say this…..

Life is way too short to go through this kind of crap. Maybe you do need counseling. But do that for yourself. To make a better you.

Once you feel stronger in who you are, find someone that fits with that.

@Khajuria9 It’s not a matter of right or wrong, it’s a matter of whether he is capable and wants to and whether he resents you pressuring him for a daily time frame of talk. If it isn’t flowing in an organic state then you are trying to force the guy to be/do something he is not able to do on demand. If someone told me they expected me to talk to them for 30 minutes a day without fail I’d tell them to piss off and I am someone that enjoys and easily talks with others. If talking doesn’t come naturally then trying to force it makes you a control freak, something most people highly resent in a relationship.

You have to let people BE who they are and if who they are doesn’t work for you then it is up to YOU to find someone that is more compatible not keep pressuring someone to do what you think they should do when you think they should do it.

I agree with @anniereborn

Anniereborn, is there no way to make things work? I want to try for one last time, I can’t quit. We always made it even through the toughest of times and I know he is loyal and loving but its just that I just can’t feel rested, more so, because I make efforts to reach for him while he calls me at his convenience that too for such a short time despite having told that I want him to talk more. Its also not just about the duration, its about wanting him to put his efforts which I can’t see. I see his agitated and angry and irritated and that’s why I want him to talk more so that we can settle teh differences. I don’t want to sleep without having resolved the issues but it seems to me like he has now started to hate my voice (maybe).

Fine Coloma, I will stop asking him to talk more with me daily, but is there a way to feel peaceful? I don’t feel peaceful at all, and its because of all the fights. Moreover, I see myself putting in more efforts than him and he is being ignorant of that, it hurts!
Also, I have not asked him to talk to me for 30 minutes a day, by all means, I just want him to feel the need to talk to me on his own, I don’t want to remind him to talk !!!! He says I don’t give him a chance to miss me or call me, what is that supposed to mean?

Like Coloma said, you cannot make him change. What if this is just who he is and will continue with all these things that upset you? Would you love him just like that? Never changing?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? It sounds like you have already tried pretty darn hard. Find someone who fits with who you are. I finally did, and my life is so much more peaceful!

I somehow believe that once we are together and be in person (not over the internet), things could work out, but I also believe that if he can’t deal with me in a more mature way today, would he be dealing nicely tomorrow?
That’s what worries me a lot !!!

@Khajuria9 It means that you can’t miss someone that never goes away. His actions and behaviors are telling you that you are always in his face wanting, demanding, more, more, more and it is too much for him to cope with. He is withdrawing more because he feels he can never win and nothing is good enough for you.
Your lack of feeling peaceful means that you are insecure and need a constant stream of talk and reassurance to feel okay. Nobody can be everything to somebody else, nobody, ever.

He is distancing because he feels overwhelmed by your neediness and demands and it is also possible he is deliberately withholding what you want hoping you will break up with him.
It is not working. Read: it is not working and it will not work just because you spend time together in real life, if it is not working NOW.

What part of it is NOT working are you not getting?
It is not working, for either of you.
Best wishes.

Coloma, Ok I read what you wrote, you mentioned it is NOT WORKING, I understood, what if I want to make it work? Is there any way you can suggest to make it work?

I don’t want to give up, I am asking you to suggest me to make it work. I am not asking you tell me that IT WON’T WORK or IT IS NOT WORKING. You give up so easily.
By the way, you wrote about my neediness and demands, you don’t even know me, you have no idea what sort of a person I am, you seem to judge me from my writings.
Well, my only issue is that I am a very self-deprecating person and I criticize myself all the time, remain in guilty feeling, that doesn’t make me INSECURE or OVERWHELMING, the way you phrase it.
But thanks for your comments anyway!

I think you have to spend some time together somehow to see if it is worth continuing. Being apart for a year and a half would stress any relationship and trying to get more from someone over the phone is pressure. Find a way to spend some actual time together. In the meantime, try to find some activities and friends of your own to make your life more fulfilling.

Either read the writing on the wall or read between the lines: No! So don’t try to force it.

Is this how it is with your 1.5 years removed boyfriend?
I’m starting to get an understanding of the problem.

Thanks Josie!
You got it right.

For all those who answered, thanks a lot !

Let me see if I understand this right. You have had a two and a half year long distance relationship. I give both of you credit for being able to maintain it, but there are questions that naturally arise. How did this relationship start? Have you ever met in person? Would you both be content to maintain a long distance relationship? Do you communicate in writing? You have to decide for yourself what is acceptable, but 15 minutes a day with no prospect of ever getting together strikes me as a bit odd. You have to decide for yourself what is acceptable.

Well, he has stated pretty clearly what he feels the problem is in your relationship, and you’ve stated to him what you feel the problem is. If you aren’t willing to try to accommodate him, and if he isn’t willing to try and accommodate you, then neither of you are ready for any kind of relationship, because that’s what a relationship is all about. Give and take.

I think it would be easier to change needy behavior than it would to “talk more,” however. How do you talk about stuff when you’re done talking? I guess he could read a phone book to you.

I’d say, all things considered, that it’s time to move on and get a real world relationship.

I do see some warning flags with your insecurity, though. The wrong kind of guy gravitates towards insecure women. They can end up domineering, abusive, and insulting. I’d seriously consider counseling for yourself.

^^ listen to Dutchess. She knows what she’s talking about!

LOL!! Everybody here does, actually.

^ ” read a phone book to you” LMAO!

I’m just trying to figure out how I would force myself to talk more. What does that even mean? What would I talk about? My husband never STOPS talking and that drives me batty. But…I adjust. It’s called Being Married.

@Dutchess_III Yeah, I mean how do you pressure someone to talk “more ” If you have nothing more to say. haha

DutchessIII and Coloma, some people are silent/introverted by nature while some are not. I have been with this guy for 2 and a half years, so I know him more than you guys might know, he definitely has a lot to talk about. He used to talk more, he definitely is an extroverted person, he even talks to his mother daily for over half an hour and come on, me being his girlfriend, he should have things to say to me, I guess.
There’s nothing like forcing him to talk more, I just expect him to devote time on me to make me feel special and loved. I understand that he works in an office and has a busy life, so do I. But I do take a chance to call him even from work, its okay if he can’t call me from work, but at least at night before he sleeps, shouldn’t he be trying to talk more, as in, internally feel a need to talk to me rather than watching TV shows and all. I just want him to make more efforts like I do, and not forcing him to say more anyway!

I would say it’s time to move on. Something has shifted and it’s beyond your control. Crying and nagging him about it will just make it worse.

LostInParadise – How did this relationship start? Have you ever met in person?
I met him in my university and not online as it might seem but we were both studying in different areas even though we were in the same country.
Would you both be content to maintain a long distance relationship?
Yes, we are content as long as there is a certainty that we have some outcome, which we do see but the point is that conversation has gone bad these days, so we avoid deep conversations and rather talk about avoiding conflicts and all.
Do you communicate in writing?
He messages me on and off in a day like saying good morning and take care and smile please and all that but I want to have a real conversation on phone!

Dutchess!!!- I am not nagging him about anything, I am rather getting to know more about myself, I am already set on the path to spiritual development, I am learning to be unaffected by things that bother me, I do mindfulness exercises and stuff. Hopefully, I will become more pleasant to him.
PS I am not doing this for him but for myself too, cause I have seen that I do have esteem issues and have no love for myself, which causes things to get even more painful.
I really appreciate that you found time for me to answer to my question. Thanks a lot :)

He thinks you are @Khajuria9. You brought that up multiple times. He says I complain [to] him every day,” and all he wants is “peace.” What would you call that if not nagging?

DutchessIII – Okay, I am understanding what you are saying. I will stop asking him to talk more. I will train myself to be unaffected by whether he calls or not, I would expect less and hope for things to get better.
Its also possible that he has become irritable and that has nothing to do with me. If he says that I complain to him and stuff, or that he wants peace, it might also be the case that he himself has some issues that need to be addressed by him.
I don’t think I nag him but okay, I heard what you say, I will try to improve myself, and not give him a chance to feel irritated because of me. I surely can try that!

That’s what it’s all about @Khajuria9. Sometimes I want to strangle my husband to get him to shut up, but I just….do other things.

Good luck.

Dutchess_III – Thanks for sharing your viewpoints dear.
Now I understand it takes work to run a relationship smooth. One needs to be balanced. Maybe I am not as of now, but I am learning the art to be better.
Sometimes, I feel so pointless asking these questions because I somehow know if I can be a better and a more mature person, then he would behave better as well.
It takes two hands to clap, I definitely need to get past the complaints and undue expectations. I should be a brave and a strong girl.

Yep.

Something else comes to mind…how is he handling the lack of physical intimacy? I think women tolerate long periods of abstinence better than men, and for many men, the sex is almost the #1 priority in a relationship. For women I think emotional intimacy is more important. Or do you guys have some agreement about the physical aspects (or lack of) in your relationship?

It would surprise you but we never had any real chances to get physical, mostly because of the long distance thing. Even when we met each other for a few days, we both would care more about feelings, emotions and all. He is fine with tolerating the distance because he says he sees me as his future wife and he himself says that his love for me is far more than the need to get sexual gratification, not saying that he doesn’t want sex but he is not keeping it as his number one priority, he wants our relationship to get peaceful. He is quite stable and he is dealing with distance fine but now I think I have gotten more restless, I do trust him a lot and so does he, but I really want to see him now!

He certainly was upset about me leaving the country for education and we both knew it was tough for us, but that didn’t stop us from loving each other. He has always remained committed to me and the same holds for me. I am worried because the conversation has gone a bit off and whenever I ask him to talk more etc., he tends to get angry. I think this is happening because he must also be frustrated deep within. I know it must be tough for him too.
I think I am not being empathetic towards him and I judge him everytime he gets angry, its sad but again, this is my first relationship and I also did not know how to behave and how to be more mature and stable (especially when you have such a good guy who loves you truly).

We all see red flags everywhere. None of us see this relationship continuing long term, let alone marriage. Soldier on, if that’s what you want to do, but keep in mind what we’ve said, so you’ll not be surprised if he doesn’t come through.

And please get some counseling!

Where can I get counseling from? Am I mentally retarded?
Should I go to a psychologist? Should I rather just commit suicide :(
Too much for me already!

Counseling is not a punnishment, and does not require anyone to be retarded. It is for helping someone sort their healthy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from unhealthy ones. It helps to find ways to face unhappy realities and find good ways to survive them.
Suicide is one of those pitfalls which counseling seeks to avoid.
If you had a little wood splinter burrowed in your finger, would you ask us how to make the splinter pretty, or would you get it out? You have an emotional splinter which got infected. All you need is the right treatment, and the splinter will be gone, but you will also see that you are glad you got rid of it. See?
Suggestions for counseling is just people who see the hurt, and want you to find help extracting that hurt and making it heal.
There is no reason for you to resent these suggestions.
You can get counseling from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a person of trust wherever you worship. If you are a student somewhere, services are usually available through your place of education.

No you’re not mentally retarded! No. And no one is suggesting you are.

You’ve mentioned insecurity issues. A counselor can help you get to the root of your insecurity and suggest ways to help.

Why the hell would you want to commit suicide?

Patty_Melt – I don’t resent any suggestions, I am listening to each one of you and I respect that you guys are taking out so much of time to help me. I am at the breakpoint, I have tried going out of home, I can’t, I am not even attending my classes, it’s all melancholy and gloom here :(

i am not sure if a person like me should exist in the first place, I have been trying to kill me for so long, but something inside of me stops me every time. I wish it doesn’t stop me this time as this time, its the worst that it could get.

Dutchess_III – I feel worthless as a person in general, and girlfriend in particular, and I am the cause of his pain as well. That’s enough reason to not live anymore!

Well, it’s your call. But I suggest you see a counselor for your insecurity problems, because if you don’t resolve them, they will be the cause of many, many problems in your life, including relationship problems.

THANKS ALL

Try dancing it is good for the soul.

Thanks Patty :)
Hope dancing could help, is there no way to die a peaceful death?

Yeah, old, done, asleep. With suicide, you only die with your tormenting thoughts and pain. Best to heal those tormenting thoughts, and face what life has in store for you.

And there is nothing after death. Nothing.

Why is it that I am the worst person on earth?

You can stop with that now. If you’re going to change, become stronger and more confident, start right now.

@Khajuria9 I know it doesn’t feel this way, but there are people in your life that cares about you. Try to get out and do things. Help at an animal shelter, nursing home, hospital, library. Once you start worrying and caring about other people or animals, you will stop focusing only on yourself.
Good luck.