How can I lower my expectations in my love relationship with a guy?

It sounds like you are trying to “settle”. Be better to yourself than that.

How can I be better to myself?

By the way, I erroneously wrote ‘County’ in place of ‘Country’ in the description section of my question.

Don’t you deserve to be in a more fulfilling relationship than that?

I want to make this relationship work, until all my energy is lost and I have no more love left for him, only then I can quit, until then, I can’t for I know he loves me, he only wants me to improve, so I want to know how to improve myself and our relationship? How should I let things happen at their pace and yet be peaceful? How to stop worrying if he didn’t call or didn’t put enough efforts? How to be free of expectations?

See other people. Ones who are close by!

Why in the world do you want to expend every bit of energy you have on this one person? Take it from someone who has lived nearly a half a century…..you will regret it later when you realize all the life you missed out on.

I believe that its not easy to find someone who loves you back if you love them, I am fortunate to have him love me back. If I let it go so easily, then my love for him is of no use, that essentially means I don’t love him, my constant willingness to make things work even if they have gotten severe indicate my need to improve the relationship and this can happen by lowering the expectations, but as I said its been a year and a half that I haven’t met, that kind of makes me feel restless and make me want him to talk more, it’s kind of depressing but I want to have fewer expectations, and I want him to feel peaceful, even if that means sacrificing my needs.
is there a way to have least expectations from people? Especially from the loved ones?

Not without losing yourself in the process. If you don’t give a crap about yourself maybe you won’t care what he does.

It’s been a year and a half since you last saw him and he doesn’t really talk to you? Hate to break it to you, but you’re not in a relationship anymore.

anniereborn, will it hurt if I lose myself in the process? Why can’t I draw boundaries? is it happening because I have no love for my own self?
Thanks, I liked your perspective, you are kind and soft spoken.

I don’t know you well enough to answers those questions really. Although I will tell you that losing a part of yourself for the sake of another is always painful.

darth, he does talk to me but he seems irritated most of the times and he doesn’t make special efforts to make me feel loved, that’s what the problem is, but I know he loves me!!!

thanks anniereborn for answering, you gave me good responses, thanks, I wish you a beautiful day! :)

But he doesn’t love you. He’s making that perfectly clear.

Darth, how do you know that he doesn’t love me?

If he did he’d make some effort to see you every so often, and he wouldn’t act like you’re an annoyance when you talk to him. Move on. Life is short, you deserve more out of it.

Thanks for sharing your point of view, thanks :) have a good day!

Do you call him every time or does he call you half the time?

I would suggest you stop speaking every day. I know this will be hard for you but perhaps if you were to speak, say, two or three times a week he would have more to say and feel less pressured.

Try it and see if it works.

Seriously @Khajuria9 I think you’re going to find he’s moved on. He talks to you because he always has, or maybe you’re a link to home, or you’re his ace in a hole in case his life doesn’t work out with his new girlfriend, or whatever. but something stinks in this relationship.

Normal people don’t act this way in a committed relationship!

So, I agree, pulling away from him will help him show his real feelings about you. Don’t call as often for starters. Let the phone ring off the hook once in a while. See what he does about it. If he wants you, he’ll show it.

@snowberry I fear I must agree, only one of them is in a committed relationship….and it is not him.

@Khajuria9 you should listen to @Darth_Algar the lack of contact is a clue you are not getting. Time is precious, don’t waste it.

Long distance relationships only work if both people are putting in the effort to communicate. It is unrealistic for you to believe you can just lower what you need from the relationship (such as the amount of time you talk to him).

My husband and I had a long distance relationship for a while due to his career before we got married. It only worked because we both were honest with what we needed in regards to communication and time together. If he would have acted the way you described, our relationship would not have lasted because that wouldn’t have met my needs. Also, we knew how long we would be apart. We made trips to visit each other regularly and knew it was only temporary.

Why did you move away from him? Do you travel to see each other? Is there a possibility of either of you moving to be together in the future? Do you have a time frame of how long you will be apart? How old are the two of you?

Are_you_kidding_me – I read every one of the responses people are making here. I know what Darth meant but since we are so so far away and he is currently in a busy job, he couldn’t find time to come, he might come to meet me in the future. But thanks for answering! :)

Seaofcluds – I moved away in order to pursue my education. No, I haven’t seen him in almost 18 months now. He wants me to go back to the same country once my education is complete but I am not sure if I want that, but we have spoken about it, but yes, as of now, its not clear as to when do we move in together and due to fights, such conversation gets avoided, moreover, he himself is trying to find solutions to things. Yes, I have a rough estimate that I am in this country until 2020 for sure and I am not yet clear if I would go back to my own country or somewhere else abroad, he is not happy with my future plans cause he wants me to come back to my country. I am not certain as to what will I want after 2020, so I can’t be certain. We both are 24.

@Khajuria9 Do you have any plans to visit each other? If not, it may be best for both of you if you end things now rather than going 3 more years of not seeing each other. Then, once you know what you want to do with your future, you could revisit things if the two of you are in the same place again. That way, you both can take the time to enjoy the life you have in front of you rather than being miserable with the phone conversations and fights. I know that’s not the answer you want, but it does not sound like you guys are on the same page in this relationship at all.

Yes, we do have plans to meet each other.
What is meant by being on the same page? Elaborate, please!

@Khajuria9 I mean he wants you to come back there and you don’t even know if that’s what you want and you two can’t even talk about it due to fighting. You have 3 more years away from each other. A lot can happen in that time. Do you really want to spend it fighting or settling for less than you really want/need in your relationship?

I definitely don’t want to spend the next 3 years fighting. I want it to be peaceful and compassionate. I don’t even want to hurry up for decisions. But I also don’t want to lose him cause I truly love him and so does he.
What could be done?

First, you need to be honest with yourself about what you need in regards to communication from him in the relationship and he needs to do the same. Then the two of you need to talk about that and agree to what you can/will do in regards to communication. Make it a date night of sorts. If he can’t/won’t discuss this with you or make plans with you to meet the needs both of you have in the relationship, you need to decide if you will accept less than what you need/want.

When my husband and I were long distance, we spoke on the phone regularly, visited at least once a month, and had “dates” where we would watch movies together on the phone. We did all those things because we wanted to. We wanted to stay connected while we were away from each other. We wanted the relationship to continue to grow. If we hadn’t done those things, we probably wouldn’t be where we are now.

Could I ask how long was your LDR?
And sure, we need to talk about our communication needs and other needs in general. I don’t know why but I feel that I should be able to accept less that what I want/need because the whole world is transitory, even talking more with him more is not going to make me feel better.
I think I can feel better if I grow myself in this journey. I will have to accept things as they are and not complain. The moment I go into spirituality and stuff, all my pains just disappear. Maybe its time for me to start to think deeper and be more accepting of everything that happens around me.

We were long distance for a year before getting married and than a year during our marriage while he was deployed.

I understand what you are saying about feeling you should be able to accept less. If, once the two of you talk about your communication needs, you see that you have a big difference in opinion (like you want to talk daily and he only wants to talk once a month), you can see if you can compromise on less than you need if he’s willing to give more than he needs. But, you both have to give some.

You shouldn’t have to be the only one settling for something else. The real question is, can you honestly accept things the way they are? You asked this question because you aren’t happy with things the way they are. If you give yourself the idea that you need to accept it and not complain, you are settling for something you don’t really want. I understand that you love your boyfriend, but you need to be honest with yourself about what you want out of the relationship.

Before deciding you are just going to settle and stop complaining, think about what you would really like to have happen. What is your ideal situation for the next 3 years?

@Khajuria9 How often do you and your boyfriend speak on the phone? Do you ever do a video chat? When you speak on the phone, do you call him or does he call you? When you speak on the phone, how much time to you actually spend speaking to each other? Do you send each other letters/gifts? What does he do to make you feel special? What do you do to make him feel special?

I don’t even know what an ideal situation would be. As long as we love each other, I am fine with whatever is happening.
Don’t you think he is already going through so much of pain by being away from me?
Damn, all this while, I have never realized that he must also be going through pain!!! :(
He never complained, of course, he is also missing out on things, he must also want his girl to be around him, love him, play with him, make him smile, cook for him, what not.
He is deprived of all that ! That’s so very painful as well :(
I am not understanding what should I do? Should I let him go? I mean, I think it makes more sense if he lives a fuller life rather than waiting on me, especially when I give him a tough time by demanding more time and stuff !! :(

We talk once a day 15 minutes on the phone every night before he sleeps, its also because of time difference.:( Why do I always complain, I am really a stupid person!
I ask him to do video chat but I feel like I am the one pushing him to do that, I somehow got selfish and wanted him to video call without me having to tell him.
I call him most of the time, but I know he has genuine reasons. We speak less, he says its because of time difference, we are 5 and a half hours separated.
I like to send him things from time to time but maybe that’s my nature, he also sends when he sees me sending! :)
the only thing he does to make me feel special is to talk to me nicely and treat me nice. he does that :) I think I don’t even want anything more than that. I have to be realistic. I also want nothing more than care and affection.
How I make him feel special, I don’t know, maybe by continuously calling him :(
I send him things from time to time, send him songs, videos, poetry etc. sometimes he sees them if he has time sometimes he misses them. I don’t think I do anything else to make him feel loved. Yes, I also praise him in front of all my friends, maybe that makes him feel special too, I don’t know if I do anything other than that.

Well, if you really want to see if you can settle for less, don’t call him for a week. See how long it takes for him to call you and see if he asks why you didn’t call. That will also give you an idea of if you can realistically go with talking to him less than you already want. While I understand the issue of the time difference, if it really mattered, both of you would make the time somehow if you really wanted the relationship to continue.

Do you know how often he would prefer to speak with you?

I will do as you say. But if I don’t call him, then he messages me and gets worried. I know he loves me, it’s just that he is settling for less and me too, it might wither if that is the plan of the universe, it might stay the same.
WE faced very bad situations and relationship problems but always made way back to each other.
He never sleeps without talking to me, so I know he has his own need to talk to me. Like 15 minutes each night, he needs to know that I am fine, only then he can sleep.