Should this bother me? Would it bother you?

I think the amount of money is so big that yes it would bother me too.

I’m guessing there is some sort of old world gender thing going on. My inlaws owed my husband and I money very early in our marriage. The money mattered. Because we didn’t have much money. We were young, and they had promised to pay me back for some things that had happened prior to us being married. One of which was a flight to Italy that they were supposed to pay for. At one point my FIL said, “if I borrow money from my daughter I would pay her back, because it’s her husband’s money, but from my sons I don’t think about it.” His thought process has changed now, but I found that eye opening.

Maybe your inlaws think it’s the daughter’s job to take “care” of them?

Did your wife go to college? If not, then I think that money doesn’t count. The rest of it I don’t really understand. Maybe did they spend thousands on your wedding, and didn’t have that obligation for their son? Maybe they are kind of counting in their head, and see it differently. My parents gave me $10k for my wedding. Eventually, many many years later my dad gave my sister $10k towards a downpayment. My sister is still pissed if he was reluctant, and she looks at it like she should not have been penalized for not getting married. Was she? Or, was I?

My husband’s family the money was not doled out evenly to the kids, I don’t think they thought about money like that at all. My parents did/do think about it for sure, and even then my sister still feels slighted much of the time.

Do you have children and your BIL doesn’t? Or, vice versa? Your MIL might be counting money towards the grandkids too.

I have no idea, I’m just throwing ideas out.

I think if it really bothers your wife she should talk to her mom.

Yes, of course it should bother you. You are human, you have expended enormous amounts of time and money and effort, while putting off your own family goals sometimes, to essentially find out that it wasn’t appreciated. It’s hurtful and frustrating.

I can’t advise how to go from here, and you didn’t ask, so I just basically want to say yes, it is enormously sad to realize that you have essentially been taken for granted for years.

The details of my circumstances differ a bit, but the overall story is the same, and I have gone No Contact with my mother because of it. (Not a suggestion, just sayin’.)

@JLeslie: Yes, there is definitely an old world “it’s the daughter’s job to take care of the parents” thing.

My wife did go to undergraduate and graduate school. Paid for both herself or through loans (which we are paying).

They did pay for most of our wedding, but they also paid for my brother-in-law’s wedding. They also paid for his honeymoon. We paid for our own.

There’s grandkids on both sides. We have a teenage daughter and my brother-in-law has a boy and a girl (who are adults).

She did talk to her mom about it. She just gets upset and wants to make sure we won’t stop helping her.

@canidmajor: Certainly. I do feel taken advantage of, but it’s my wife’s mother, so I’m taking her lead. My wife is just angry now and mad at everything. For example, my mother-in-law and brother-in-law just forgot all about my wife’s birthday this past week. More fuel to the fire. My wife is on defcon five.

I told her you either end the relationship or let it go. Keeping her in your life but being constantly angry is of no use.

@cookieman Oh Lord. Well, she obviously values your help. I guess you already have reassured her you will always be there to help her. Do you think your MIL doesn’t want her son to help for some reason?

Does she have money? Still have money to give? You could try to make sure more of it floats your way before she dies. Sounds awful I know. Maybe she will do something to balance things out financially on her own now that she is aware that it has not really been fair. I assume everything gets split equally when she does die. Or, does it? My guess is your BIL would be fine with his mom doing something to even things out. He willingly told you how much has been given to him, and he assumed his sister had also received funds.

Next year you call them up and make sure they remember her birthday. That has now become one of your jobs.

It’s fine if you / your wife are mad at her parents for taking advantage of you and not being grateful to you. But it’s your wife’s call really how to continue with it or end it. I’m little surprised here though they she wasn’t aware of financial position of her parents. Her brother should take care of their mother going forward if it’s not possible for your wife. Anyways he hasn’t done much for them all these years which he can do now. Only thing you need to ask yourself is why did you do it? Not for money but with sense of responsibility ot love right? Your in-laws have been unfair to you.But does this change your relationship with them? If it does then it’s your call how to proceed with it.

@JLeslie: She certainly values our help. She also expects it and gets pissy if we can’t do something. Italian guilt trips ensue — but that’s par for the course.

She doesn’t expect my BIL to help as he’s “the boy”. Plus, she thinks he’s an idiot (which he’s not), but it makes it easy for him to do nothing.

She’s in her 80s now and has some money left plus the value of her house. Her will is set at 50/50 for my wife and her brother. I don’t see that changing.

@imrainmaker: Yes, absolutely. It’s my wife’s call. She’s just irate at the moment. Me, I was at my MIL’s this morning dealing with the plumber — so business as usual for me. I just don’t feel very good about it anymore.

And we handle all their large financial stuff. They have a personal account they handle themselves (which I have no idea the balance of). I assume that’s where they gave money to my BIL from.

As for how to proceed…I’d love to tell her to take a hike, but she’s 87-ish and my BIL will not pick up the ball. Does not care.

I help out to be helpful to my wife and I’m a helping kind-of-guy. My wife is also a helper but probably operated out of guilt as well.

@cookieman, I am one of three daughters, but the only one who bothered at all. Our issue is not financial but emotional in nature. My mother was 91 when I walked away, and, yes, I beat myself up about that a LOT, but it’s interesting (and kinda sad) to note that in the last two years neither of my sisters has bothered to step up, but boy, do they gave a lot of rude stuff o say to, and about, me.
I feel for your wife, this puts her in a terrible emotional position.
There is a website, outofthefog.net, that has a number of fora dealing with various family circumstances, and various resources. It is anonymous, and the people are kind. She might find something helpful there.

Whether it “should” bother anyone else or not is immaterial. It bothers you, so you shouldn’t ignore it.

Assuming your mother-in-law is mentally competent, as she seems to be, I would urge you and your wife – but primarily your wife, as the direct descendant – to confront her openly and tell her of her feelings. “Of course I’m bloody angry, Mama! I thought you had no money because you really had no money at all, not that you had given it all to my brother! I’m not angry at him – unless he coerced it or misrepresented himself to obtain it – but I’m angry at you for not admitting what was happening! I feel used and abused, and now on top of not getting any patrimony I’m paying and working to support you on top of everything else!”

I would hope that the discussion could remain civil and – considering your high feelings and the amounts involved – productive, not just an angry shout-fest, but… if you handle the finances anyway, then you should know, unless there’s a cache of money hidden somewhere (which may very well be the case, and is worth investigating), there may not be any money any more.

But it’s worth getting your feelings out in the open. You should not have to suffer in silence, and at least now that this is known, your brother-in-law should also be enlisted to help out with finances, too.

Sometimes competent kids get short-changed because they’re doing fine and the parents give time & money to the strugglers.

Up front, I struggle with this same situation, my wife especially feels it on her side of the family. I hate what money does to families, and that helps me keep it contained for myself to some extent.

Her mom continues to put full college funds together for her older, always unable to help, sister’s kids. When asked about it, my mother in law said directly that we’d take care of ours, so she wasn’t worried about them. She’s also taking care of 2 kids, 6 days a week, at 70 years old, free of charge. If she wants the kids to go to daycare, she pays for it.

When she needs help, it will be us and her younger sister, there’s no question.

Can your sister see it as kindness to your brother, rather than shorting her? That’s the only thing that’s helped my wife, just remembering her mother is kind and trying to help where that help will do the most good.

Ultimately, it was never anyone’s money but your parent’s, and how they spend it shouldn’t have to be equal. It’s money, not love.

Separately: You’re a good man.

^^ I more than agree with @funkdaddy‘s last statement. You’re very nice person ready to help out your in-law even after this incident.

I didn’t mean she should have the will changed, I meant now, if it doesn’t bother you, hit her up for money for some things that would make you feel more even with the BIL.

Maybe ask her to do the final payoff for the college loan, or contribute to the kids college fund, or whatever.

I can understand not wanting to do any of those things though. I’m not suggesting you should, I’m saying you could.

The other thing is your MIL might eventually need a POA, and I’m pretty sure she’ll choose your wife since you both do so much of the caring and helping her when she needs it. You can set up the money so some accounts just go to your wife at the time of her death, outside of the estate so it never goes to probate. Make your wife the survivor on an account.

My sister does more than I do taking care of my aunt, we are both her POAs, so my sister has much more money left from when my aunt divided her money when she became very ill. I use my half to pay my aunts bills, my sister has hardly contributed back anything. It’s fine. She does most of the work, because she lives near my aunt. I think your BIL would look at it the same way. Hopefully, he would.

The woman is 80, so I think your wife shouldn’t let this bother her so much if she can reframe it in her head. Her mom is from a different generation, and different culture, and we just can’t be very sure yet why the money was spent as it was on the children.

If your wife thinks it has anything to do with how much her parents lived one child over another, I think it’s almost never that. I only bring that up, because I hear that sometimes, and almost always from my standpoint that just doesn’t seem to be the case in my opinion.

@canidmajor: Thank you for that. I will share that with my wife.

@CWOTUS: Yes, my wife is in the getting her feelings out stage now. My MIL doesn’t take it well and just wants her to not bring it up. Sadly, my BIL has little interest in helping physically or financially. To be fair, he’s fallen on hard times and spends his money pretty foolishly. But, even when he was doing well, he would never help out.

@Call_Me_Jay: I hear that. Story of my life.

@funkdaddy: Thank you, and I agree. It’s not the money. It’s the intent.

@imrainmaker: Thank you. I do wish I was less of a sucker sometimes though.

@JLeslie: My wife is already her POA and healthcare proxy, etc.

No joy with that now sadly. My MIL, now that she knows we know, makes a point of saying she’s poor and will die penniless (despite the fact that my wife can see most of her accounts). My wife asked her, “Oh, so you couldn’t help me now then?” (sarcastically).

My MIL responded, “Well, I don’t have to eat anymore and god can take me.”

It’s not worth the effort.

Oy.

Plus, it’s not so much your wife wants to take the money from her mom, it’s that she feels it was unfair between her and her brother. It’s two very different things. Your wife will probably always be hurt by it. No money can fix that feeling.

I’d be a little ticked myself. I can’t count the number of times I have seen or heard things like this. In this case it sounds like what you mentioned “old world expectations” AKA favoritism.
I watched my grandad lend money to my cousins, aunts and uncles and it just set the precedent that they always had a safety net. It’s had a pretty negative impact. You get your house in order quickly when you know you don’t have a safe haven to bail you out.

Let it go. (Yes, it will be hard!) You’re a better person for going the hard luck route, so don’t sell yourself short.

So much for parents never having a favorite child.

Yes, it would bother me and yes, you have every right to be upset. Like your wife, I would be very angry which would be masking how hurt I’d be feeling. It sounds like you are handling things very well. My husband would probably get angry and want to defend me, which would just cause me more pain. As much as I’d want him to be there for me, I wouldn’t want him to take up my cause and create more friction than already exists.

It’s sad. Were I in your shoes, I would find it difficult to carry on without a nagging resentment of the old lady and the brother in law as well. Though I suppose he is less culpable, being unaware of the lopsided distribution of his parents’ favors. Now that he is very much aware, you could clearly insist on his shouldering more of the load. Tell the old lady that her fears are justified, and that in view of her past attitude, the kid in whom she has invested the assets deserves the privilege of shelling out future dividends. Even minus the intention to cut her off entirely, I would certainly run the possibilty past both of em.

This post really makes me sad/bad. You and your wife sound like such good people. Your MIL shouldn’t have deceived you about her financial situation.

As you already know Italian culture is sexist and really old-fashioned. The son is the apple of the family’s eye while the daughter is the one expected to be there to do the “dirty work”. Hopefully things are changing as people become educated and more open-minded. Yes, you are right to feel let down and indirectly yet clearly let dear MIL know that you are aware and somehow bitter. Without sparking a family feud, let the lady know that you and your wife don’t feel appreciated. There are tactful yet caustic ways to do so which I am certain you could handle adeptly.

@Cookieman I agree with everyone above who said you’re a good man. Not many men (or women, for that matter) would put up with that kind of treatment, even if it’s for a loved one, let alone a loved one’s loved one.

My suggestion is to just grin and bear with it. It sounds like the path of peace, even though not everything is necessarily the way we’d like to see it.