Should I tell my sister that I know about the money, and what she did with it?

I would guess she is who she is, and would never be more than a superficial friend.
Seeking her attention sounds masochistic to me.

Oh, I quit trying a long time ago. I’m not an idiot. But I do miss my sister. She is the only family I have anywhere near, and this just crossed my mind. Maybe if she knew that I knew and that I don’t care she might ease up and we can become close, like we used to be.

Tell her. My guess is the same as yours. The distancing is probably about guilt and an unwillingness to look you in the face. The news may very well devastate her, but at least you will have the relief in knowing there’s still some semblance of a conscience.

It probably won’t mend any fences though, will it.

You can tell her that and see how it goes. If it goes well then will be good for both of you. You won’t have regret later as you know you atleast tried even if it doesn’t go well.

You never know. It might just be the spur to her doing what’s right. I mean she must surely be aware of your relative circumstances. I know I wouldn’t want something like that haunting me for the rest of my life.

But I do miss my sister. She is the only family I have anywhere near…

Maybe if she knew that I knew and that I don’t care she might ease up and we can become close, like we used to be.

I’m more worried about this part.

It is a deadly trap. It tempts you into thinking that there is still meaning in the relationship even though there isn’t any. It will only damage your emotional being in the long run.

I don’t want to sound heartless, but if you have no more connection with her other than being relatives then there’s no need to reconnect. The “missing” attitude was what kept me from leaving abusive relationship sooner than I should have.

Ask yourself this: does she still mean anything to you, or is she just someone who shares your blood?

@Mimishu1995 She is my sister. My only family. We used to get along very well. We could read each other’s minds. We were best friends. The most miserable part is that when we do get together it’s all still there. The laughter, in sync, same sense of humor.
She means everything to me. I love her.

Stop with the “deadly trap.” She isn’t abusing me. She is not someone I need to escape.

I don’t understand the point of telling her that you know. Just tell her that you miss her and would like to get together.

I have.

Was she receptive, @Dutchess_III?

No. She laughed condensendingly like that the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. She just walked away chuckling and shaking her head.

Like I said…

@Dutchess_III I just wanted to point out that “she’s my sister” isn’t good enough a reason to keep a relationship.

I have a lot of blood relatives, some of which I could care less about simply because they are not worth my time and love. And I learned not to care too much for them the hard way.

From what you provided above, I can see that your sister doesn’t seem like she has as much commitment to the relationship as you. You two don’t have frequent contact. She even appears very dismissive to your feeling toward her. Apart from the short period when you two had fun together while both of you were financially stable, I don’t see much emotional connection from her to you if there is any. If she truly cared for you she would have done much better.

If I were you, I would take the advice above and tell her. If she acknowledges and wants to reconnect, that’s good. If she continues with her dismissive behavior, then I don’t see any point in trying to make her love you again.

I don’t know about you, but to me thinking you ought to love someone just because you share their blood is a trap.

I wouldn’t call 30 years a “short period.” Plus she still loves me. I don’t quite understand her deal.
I guess I have nothing to lose by telling her tho.

Surely she’s not the only person in your life that can make you happy, you probably already have complete social circle in your life and you haven’t realized that yet. You don’t have to add another unnecessary element in it. Blood relation doesn’t entail any obligation toward you.

But regardless, you seem to have a persistence in wanting to patch things up with her. I say you do it if your heart tells you to do so rather than keep brooding over it and discover the truth yourself whether or not she worth the effort.

I know it’s water under the bridge but if it’s possible you can still test her moral by telling her that you might need some of the money that she took since your own daughter is in need of it and see how she react.

@Unofficial_Member Mom died 10 Years ago. Not relevant to my daughter’s current situation which is almost over with.

I removed her and her my nieces and everyone we had in common temporarily off my friends list when I posted the Gofund me page so it wouldn’t get back to her. Hopefully.

@Dutchess_III: You said up above that you have told her you missed her and she was not receptive (your response to my question). Most recently, your response to @Mimishu1995 was that you have nothing to lose by telling her so, which gives me the impression you have not yet told her.

No. I’m wrestling with it. It just occurred to me yesterday or the day before.

Family is just happenstance. I understand that you have memories of old, but that was a long time ago. Your sister has done nothing to show you or even tell you that you mean anything to her. Why are you chasing memories?

IMO, what she has done is unforgivable. Don’t chase her affection or approval. Live your life. You don’t need her.

Yeah, I would tell her. Honest outpourings and expressions of love are what generally works to repair such things. Forgiveness moves mountains. I’d suggest being careful you communicate the forgiveness and love before getting to the part about how you know about the other stuff, or you might have a lot more defensive fight or flight behavior from her.

I would tell her, and ask her if that’s why she has distanced herself, or was it something you did. That you feel she could at least tell you why.

In my opinion, if she doesn’t tell you why, she’s a bitch. To cut someone off with no explanation is pretty awful. Even if their reason sounds petty or stupid, at least you deserve to know if you want to know.

Did your sister take care of your mom more than you at the end? I don’t mean that as a judgement, my sister takes care of my aunt more than me, so I’m fine if she gets more inheritance than me. I’m just thinking that you possibly are in the wrong track, and she feels no guilt, and rather feels completely justified in taking the money.

Did you get zero money? That is pretty crappy of her to take everything if that’s the case.

No she did not take care of her more. I did. My sister rarely saw her. I was up there every day, and often brought Mom home to stay the weekend with us. My sister never did that.

^^It sounds like you have nothing to lose. Will she answer the phone if you call her?

I would text.

I say give it a shot, for what it’s worth. Tell her you want what you had back, and the money is not an issue. Aren’t some things more important than money anyway? And if it doesn’t work, at least she can’t shoot you, anyway.

First of all, she should feel guilty. Really, truly, bad for what she did. Personally I’m not sure I could get over that if a sister of mine did the same thing.

However you seem to be able to and want a connection again. I don’t know that I would expect things to be “as they were” before when you were best friends..

That being said, what do you have to lose? You have already lost her it seems. So the only thing that could be different is having a relationship again.

Give it a try.

Let us know what happens. I have this feeling it isn’t the money.

What’s not to get over @anniereborn? It’s just money. It means far, far more to her than it has to me. Always has, since we were little. Is money important? Well, yeah! But at what a dollar amount do you set your love and relationships upon? I don’t think there is one. She feels differently, and I’ve always known this. In fact, in the early 90’s Mom told me that she was thinking of taking Lex completely out of her will because she had more money than she needed, and my youngest and I were both struggling and single at the time. I said, “Oh my God! Don’t do that Mom! It would destroy our relationship forever.”

@JLeslie I have a feeling that that is just the tip of the ice burg too. I got a FB message from my grown niece about 4 years ago. She said she had told my sister to pull her head out of her ass and call me!! I was like, wow. I’ve always liked her. She’s the oldest.
Well, last year, her youngest insisted on inviting me to her HS graduation party that was held at another sister’s house (there are 3.) It was a really great time! It was.
But haven’t heard from my sister since.

And…most heart breaking, I heard through the grapevine that her oldest was getting married last year. I was not invited.
I heard again, through the grapevine, that her oldest and her new husband are expecting their first baby this month.
THAT was painful.

I guess I just need to cut them loose. I have taken all but the youngest off of my FB friend’s list. The youngest still interacts with me.

Mom would absolutely turn over if she knew about this. Once, long, long ago, she said to me, “I do not like what R and L have become.” Very judgemental, snobby…..arrogant.

;) I think she’s religious. Maybe she thinks we can fix it in the after life.

^^Ok, not being in touch with your sister does not have to mean not being in touch with her children if they are adults. Some people expect their children to shun a family if they do themselves, and other people don’t. I don’t know what type of pressure your sister puts on her kids, and I don’t know if they give a crap if she tries.

Well, after FB, we were all talking and I was keeping in touch and they were in touch with me. The middle child is pretty snotty and mean, so I didn’t care for her, but the oldest and I talked. She’s close to 30 now. I do not know what happened that I wasn’t invited to the wedding, or told about the baby. I don’t know what my sister could have said to her. I know it’s not beyond my sister to say things that aren’t quite true to elicit support for her, and to show how damn dumb every one is, and how smart she is.

I just don’t know what she said or did.

@Dutchess_III In reality money is just paper. It only has the value we ascribe to it.
Apparently she felt entitled to it. Apparently she did not take you into consideration.
Beyond all that, she did it behind your back, lying to your face in that sense.
That should tell you what she thinks your relationship is worth.
And that’s what I would find hard to “get over”.

The problem with getting past this is that it’s like a festering sore. To me it is THE act defining your sister, and I would tell her so.

Yeah, I understand. You guys. I don’t really dwell on it all the time. I sometimes will experience something I want to share with her, but I can’t. I mean, I’ve tried a few times in the far past and got nothing but silence, so I quit.
I don’t understand how we could still have such a great time on the infrequent times we get together.

I just have to let it all go. ;(

Oh, but she will point out to anyone who is listening that when I was in the hospital for 2 weeks in 2012 she and Rick took turns on watch. I only have a fleeting memory of seeing her in a short, expensive, black leather jacket, about 2 seconds long, before the curtain closed again.

It’s gonna suck when I die, Sis, and you finally realize it’s too fucking late. I know she will have deep, deep regrets. After I die.

You must spare her the anguish by outliving her.

I’d rather she anguish! Isn’t that awful?

I understand. But clearly the NEED to clutch the money, perpetuate the injustice, particularly in the face of your comparable needs, tells you that she wouldn’t do the right thing with a gun to her head. She didn’t “come clean” with the gun at your kid’s head. I would ask her about it if only to hear her rationalization.

That is when I removed her, and all three of her kids, and all people who were mutual friends of ours, mostly from HS, before I posted her GoFundMe. I did NOT want it getting back to her. In her mind, it’s just more proof of what a damn loser I am. She refuses to recognize the fact that my financial status had nothing to do with a lack of intelligence or laziness. Since she started backing off when it started, she really has no idea what I went through, how hard I worked.

After it blew over I readded her youngest, and the friends we have in common who seem to enjoy my posts.

I can imagine rationalization from here to eternity without ever saying to much. She’s ashamed, she can’t face it. She’ll find a way to get angry with me.