Do you believe that a man should ask for the parents blessing before proposing?

I think it’s more “do you support us” rather than “do you allow us” nowadays.
In other words, I don’t mind it.

Only if the couple are still living at home with the parents or under 21. Or if the parents are guardians for a disabled family members.

I think it is a really good thing. It shows respect for the family and, through that, the woman. It allows the family to ask questions that could be beneficial before they are married. Asking about plans, goals, ideals….things that should be considered for a lasting marriage. Besides, when the couple is married, the family will still be in the picture. Might as well start getting used to dealing with the in-laws.

Only after his girlfriend has said she wants to get married too.
I also agree that it isn’t to ask the permission from the parents.

It’s a formality. It’s nice, but usually not necessary today. I’ve always seen it as more of a notification than a request, but in order to be polite, it is often put as a question. If I was serious about marrying someone, I wouldn’t take no for an answer. It’s nice to have their blessing, but I’d just marry her anyway and work out the details later. Let the parental chips fall where they may.

Yup.

It is antiquated, but I agree that its meaning has changed a bit. There’s an assumption that the proposal is going through no matter what, but to know you have the support of the parents ahead of time can be nice.

It is a very respectful gesture, which will never be forgotten by the parents. “Permission” rarely enters into it anymore.

Six years ago, our daughter was enthralled to have met a guy who is the polar opposite of the self-centered jackass she had married (and divorced) several years before.

The New Guy was in Belgium, earning some kind of advanced engineering degree, and emailed us, asking if he could call us on the upcoming Saturday. We knew that this could only mean one thing….and it did.

She was visiting him at the time, and he called from a restaurant Men’s Room, the only place he could think of where she couldn’t overhear the call (you could hear toilets flushing in the background the whole time…..ha ha).

Anyway, he said he was about to go back to the table and propose to her, but first wanted to get our thoughts.

Respect. It is considered antiquated by many, but will always matter.

It was in no way expected…...but we will never forget it…..

But what if she’d said No when he went back to ask @PullMyFinger?

In these enlightened days, why doesn’t the woman ask this of the gentleman’s parents, hmm?

Men should do it only if they are part of the culture where men (as well as their wives and future family) will live in their parents’ house. They should also consider how this will affect their possibility to get their rightful inheritance from their rich parents. There have been situation where a man didn’t get fair amount of inheritance from his parents compared to his siblings when he brought home and wed someone his parents detest compared to his siblings that brought home partners that are loved by their parents.

I think it’s kind of sweet and old fashioned, but really, he should only do it if the woman in question, and he, have already discussed getting married and she has agreed. If not, she might be rather dismayed.

Hell, no. The asker is going to make a big enough fool of himself/herself if he/she says no.

No. The woman is her own person, not her parents’, and does not need her parents’ consent to join with whom she will. I didn’t ask my wife’s parents for permission to marry her and nobody “gave her” at the altar.

I think it’s a very sweet gesture of respect and we need some of that these days.
When I was twenty my boyfriend asked my dad. Mom and I were peaking around a corner and mom said, “the poor little thing.” Dad seemed really anxious to get rid of me since the entire thing lasted less than five minutes.

Sure, it seems like a gesture of respect until you realize that the whole concept came from the idea that the daughter was, in effect, her father’s property until he gave her over to become her husband’s property.

^^^^^^^ I don’t care where it came from.

Yes. It’s respectful. If also gives parents a chance to voice concerns privately to the man. I do not see it as appropriate for subsequent marriages, only the first marriage of a daughter. Hopefully there will be no subsequent ones.

@MollyMcGuire , an excellent point regarding a chance “to voice concerns”.

In our own case, it was also a chance to offer encouragement. I’m not sure how much (if any) of our phone conversation he may have later communicated to our daughter, and probably never will know.

But it is comforting to me to know that after I’m no longer around, maybe our son-in-law will someday relate to our daughter….

“I’ll never forget what your dad said to me when I was on the phone with him, standing in that Men’s Restroom in Belgium….

‘Eric, I promise you….you might be marrying the best person on the planet, and this is the smartest thing that you’ll ever do in your life’.....”

Yes if you want the parents to pay for the wedding.

I did ask her for father’s blessing. It’s a tradition. It’s nice.

Well why doesn’t the prospective bride ask her future parents in law for their blessing?

I’m only wondering who made @bob_ ‘s sandwich after he asked the question. And welcome back, @bob_ .

I did. Of course. It’s in my profile. Go look!

Forty years ago I thought it was an antiquated custom. I asked my girlfriend if she would marry me. I was not asking her dad to marry me and he did not own her. We were not on the best of terms anyway, rarely is any man good enough for another mans daughter, and any permission he would have given (and he would have ONLY because his daughter wanted it) would have been grudgingly given so why bother. We announced we were getting married together to both her parents at the same time and then to mine.

@kritiper brings up a good point, what if the father says no? You can be fairly certain the daughter has already consented so do they go ahead and do so regardless of the fathers wishes? That probably would not go over very well with him. Do you embarrassingly back out of the room and tell her “Sorry, he said no” and leave? Do you cut your losses and go find someone else? (although I will say that if that is the option you choose perhaps you two should not have been marrying in the first place). Do you continue “courting” her for another couple of years hoping he relents or at the very least tires out and eventually says yes? Has anyone knows anyone who this has happened to?

@rojo I think the idea is that asking the parents or the father for permission is a courtesy. In the very olden days if dad said no, the answer is no. These days most fathers would look favorably on a guy that took the time to ask permission to marry the daughter. As a father, I can honestly say that if some guy asked if he could marry my daughter, there would have to be some real negatives about the guy for me to say no. For instance, he has the cops knocking on the door to arrest him while he is asking me. That would be a big red flag. He pulls a hand out of his pocket and a packet of heroin hits the floor…yeah, that would be another red flag. But generally, I would have the conversation with him of what goals he has in life, does he fully understand the commitment that a marriage is and how much work it can be…things like that. And as a father, his effort to ask me would show a huge amount of integrity and character in him.

The question wasn’t about asking permission. It was asking for a blessing.

Permission may be the wrong word, but it is pretty much the same thing in this case. Miriam Webster has a definition as:

approval, encouragement: asked her parents for their blessing before he proposed

The difference is that if the parents don’t approve and the couple gets married anyway the entire family will deal with the strife.

Well, that’s going to happen whether he asks them or not.

Permission means you get a a “Yes” or “No” answer. Blessing means you get “I’m happy for you!” or, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Which is different from a “no.”

Wow, @Dutchess_III, it sounds like you have had a tough time with in-laws. I had he exact opposite in my life. I talked with my first father-in-law, but not the second. But then, when I got married the second time she was 43 so it didn’t make any sense at that point. But I got along with the in-laws on both marriages.

@seawulf575 What are you talking about @seawulf575? What makes you think I had a tough time with my inlaws?

@Dutchess_III maybe I misunderstood your statement. I made a comment that if the parents didn’t approve and the couple married anyway the entire family would deal with the strife. You followed it up with a comment that started with Well, that’s going to happen whether he asks them or not. That sounds like you have had to deal with strife with in-laws in your life. That sounded sad to me and I was pointing out that strife was not necessarily a foregone conclusion.

I’ve never had strife with either set of my in-laws.

My point was whether they ask for a blessing or not has nothing to do with strife coming about. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen.

I guess it depends on your culture. In Arab society, it is obligatory.