Should a married person dine out with a member of the opposite sex?

Have and would.

It’s up to them. I don’t find Pence’s comment weird. And I am no fan of his or his fundamentalism.

It’s kind of weird that someone would avoid it in a professional or business service.

But people (at the table and elsewhere) can get the wrong idea. I understand the decision for avoiding it.

I’m not married so I can’t speak from my own experience but I’m thinking of married people I know (my mom, my stepfather, other relatives and friends). I am referring to people in their forties and older. Maybe it’s different for younger married people, I don’t know. Of the married people that I am thinking of, outside of work or other circumstances, only certain other circumstances would they be in a restaurant or bar with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t their spouse. Example given by the OP where her husband was in the hospital and someone else drove fifty miles to visit would be one example where it would be done. I think if someone drove fifty miles to visit my spouse, it would not be terrible to go have a meal with them and chat.

Of the married people I know or have known, I don’t think their spouses would appreciate or comprehend if they said “I’m going to the restaurant with Mary. See you later.” I think the spouse might expect or appreciate being invited. My mother wouldn’t expect my stepfather to stay home while she goes off with another man. My stepfather wouldn’t do that to my mother. Not saying there’s foul play involved, just saying I don’t think they’d do it and I don’t think they would like it.

Yuck, if I couldn’t catch a meal or drink with my guy friends I’d be out 80% of my friends. Antiquated rule. My boyfriend trusts me.

People are gossips. If anyone, especially in a high profile position, does something “out of the norm” it’s gossip time. That’s what fuels the tabloids, and it’s big business for news media too.

Anyone who has taken marriage vows is appropriate for saying they would not dine with someone of the opposite sex alone. And it’s very reassuring to a wife to hear her husband will go to those lengths to stay true to her.

Likewise for anyone who runs a business. It’s wise to not conduct disciplinary reviews with employees of the opposite sex alone.

@Mariah. sorry; I thought I was referring to married people.

Marriage doesn’t mean ownership. It is entirely possible to just be friends with others of the opposite sex in a healthy marriage. Obviously if one has had a cheating spouse or other issues of trust this could be a no no situation but in general I see nothing wrong with it. Years ago my ex husbands friends would often drop over and I would happily chat with them, make them a drink and hang out until my husband got home.

We also, at the time, had other good couples friends and nobody would have thought twice about any combo of the group having a drink or meal together if the opportunity unfolded. I also had a single, female next door neighbor that my husband taught chess to, I would often come home to find them engaged in a chess game having a cocktail. No biggy. It’s all about trust.

The green eyed monster is a much bigger problem in a lot of relationships than a friendly dinner amongst friends.

@Aster I’m in a serious long term relationship so the rules about cheating are basically the same as if I was married. I’m sorry if you don’t like that I answered your question.

@Mariah “I’m sorry if you don’t like that I answered your question.’ Well, there are a couple of people on here whose replies I could do without.

I have no problem with it in most cases. I think the only time I would start to find it crossing a line would be if it was on a regular basis and not a work colleague where eating together is just normal logistics. Even then we know people have affairs at work, but it’s just too restrictive to never eat a meal with the opposite sex.

Forgetting about work situations, outside of work, I like it when the SO is always welcome if he/she wants to come along. It’s not like you have to invite them every time, but it’s that if they want to no one is bent out of shape.

I think Pence just doesn’t want to deal with the photo op of him with another woman.

Last week a friend (never was a good friend really, it’s more about nostalgia of our home town and some people we mutually know from my teen years) drove up last minute to hang out. We met at one of the squares in town. I told my husband to come with me, that someone I knew from school was driving up from Orlando. My husband said, “oh, good, so you won’t be alone.” LOL. He wasn’t feeling like going out period. Like he was off the hook.

No. It makes no sense to appear with questionable company. Assumptions are numerous enough without doing so.

I think this applies…haha

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQLpRBDrhn8

I suppose I’m super sensitive to it because it reminds me of my ex. He wasn’t just fooling around with some old hags. He was doing stuff with gorgeous, young, curvy students like bringing pizza over to their apartments, playing tennis with them when I thought he was working, paying for an abortion for one of them (I found the. bank papers) , having me decorate a Christmas tree for one and taking it to her apartment and having lunch with other women was , I now believe frequent. After that came phone calls. At midnight I’d hear him on the phone with them , giggling. God, he was forty five years old and he lost the Chairmanship position at the university due to his stupid behavior. So never think that “a meal” is as far as it can go. He had a single mother as a client and was “having tea’ with her at Bennigan’s. When his parents came to spend the night my MIL said, “somebody left this house late last night. I saw the headlights.” He didn’t say a word. I put up with this crap for two years until I hated him and left for good. He had a good sized office at the university and the door had windows on each side. Know what he did? He covered up all the glass with construction paper. If that isn’t unprofessional I don’t know what is. Good riddance to him. My husband wouldn’t even consider having lunch with another woman. Of course, he’s a lot older than forty five! But he’s stuck with me. He needs me and knows I won’t sit back and approve of those games ever again.

@Aster Yeah, all that is totally horrible. He’s a player. Sorry you went through that.

^^^^^^^ thank you. It’s not everything but it’s enough to remember.

I do it all the time. It’s no big deal.

@Aster

Just because you posted the question doesn’t mean you get to dictate who answers it.

Being married does not exclude you from maintaining friendships with the opposite sex.
This attitude is not only old fashioned it’s downright narrow minded & a little peculiar.

Why should one do that unless the meal is of a business nature? Other than that why would this need to happen? Call me old-fashioned but this is how I see it.

@ZEPHYRA

Socialization?

Some people have friends of the opposite sex. I guess I’m surprised that this is so surprising to people.

Granted, for some it wouldn’t be a good idea. But certainly there are some married people for whom this would be no issue. Depends on the relationship, and definitely depends on who the friend is and the married person’s history with them.

Sure! We’re married, I’m not his chattel. I have coffee and very occasionally lunch with men who aren’t my husband. I don’t do it all the time, but why wouldn’t I have coffee or lunch with a friend? Unless some of my best friends were men, if I was seeing the same person, all the time, that might lead to my husband asking questions. However, having a coffee or lunch/dinner with a mate who happens to be a guy should not be a problem.

I have done it and I’d do it again. My husband doesn’t care. If he did care, he would not be my husband.

@ZEPHYRA Because that is what friends do together. And I don’t choose my friends based on what is inside their undies.

I have, I do, and I will.

I’d like to think a marriage could involve enough trust and choice that neither would be an issue. If that is a risk to the marriage, then I think the marriage could use work.

If it is a real friendship then why can’t the husband/wife join in as a common friend??

@ZEPHYRA I don’t know about you but….I don’t bring my husband along every time I go out with my sisters or brother or female friends. What you asked doesn’t even make sense to me. My husband doesn’t go with me every time I go out.

I don’t see any “shoulds” in this issue. It’s up to each individual couple to decide what they are comfortable with. My Ex and i had a fairly good partnership but many different interests; he might eat with a woman sailor friend if they were working on boats; I might have lunch with a work colleague. We both were aware of the friendships and didn’t have a problem with them.

Emotional or real affairs are a separate issue from friendships.

I don’t think I’d even want to hang out with some of my wife’s friends, women or men.

@anniereborn, brother, sister and female friends obviously not but male friends?

@ZEPHYRA Why not?

It would depend on the context. As someone said, you’re visiting your husband in the hospital along with a friend of his, then sure. The two of you grab a quick burger during a break. That isn’t the same as scheduling a dinner at a resturaunt, with a coworker of the opposite sex, by themselves. Why would anyone even do that?

For those who think this is not okay to do, I wonder, what do you think you’re preventing?

Do you think your spouse will cheat if they go to these dinners? Do you think asking them not to go to these dinners will prevent them from cheating if they want to cheat?

I can’t fathom how uncomfortable it would be to be in a relationship where I feel the only thing keeping them from cheating is me controlling who they can and can’t see.

Why would they want to go? For what purpose @Mariah? I can’t imagine accepting a dinner invitation from a man that didn’t include my husband. I can’t think of any reason to.

Because sometime people actually do develop non-romantic friendships with people of the opposite sex.

Because they’re my friend and we have work so sometimes the evening, which is also when we require food, is the only time we can meet up? Why’s it have to be such a big deal? If this isn’t an issue of distrusting your partner, why is this weirder than meeting up with a friend of the same sex?

I get dinner with my ex coworkers all the time to catch up. Matt has no interest in being there, they’re not his friends, they’re mine.

What Mariah said.

I trust my husband, but I’ve been around enough cheating to know that sometimes people who cheat are people who never intended to cheat, and never saw themselves as the cheating type. Moreover, even if your spouse would never cheat, it’s annoying to know someone “wants” them, and actively pursues them. I’ve been in that situation. I told my husband that chick was after him. I believe he never did anything (I could be wrong) but it all came to a screeching halt when the woman’s exhusband, whom she had gotten back together with, called my husband and told him to keep away. It seems he found messages his wife was sending to her girlfriends about my husband. Nothing that implicated they had been together, but implicated she liked him.

Yeah I think it’s fine to draw lines if there’s knowledge or suspicion that the other person has a crush on your partner.

But to say that there’s never a reason why two people of the opposite sex who are not in a relationship might get a meal together seems ridiculous to me.

Well, sure. If it’s work related. That is different. But the question didn’t specify that.

Why does it have to be work related?

@Dutchess_III What difference does it make if it’s work related or not? Awhile ago, before she moved away, one of my best friends was a woman who shared similar movie interests to me. I like sci-fi type movies and my wife hates them. So I’d go out to dinner and a movie with this other female friend and it was exactly as big of a deal as it would have been had she been a man.

My example above was a woman in my husband’s class, they were getting their masters degree.

One day, a group of four came to our house to put a project together, and it was obvious to me she liked him.

Like I said, I’m not one to mind if my husband has a meal out with a friend or coworker of the opposite sex, I do it myself, but sometimes it’s not ok.

Usually, you kind of know when it’s not ok.

My husband used to travel with work constantly, I never worried about him cheating, I’m sure he probably ate out with other women. When he lived in Colombia for work I know he sometimes went out to the discos, etc.

I’m not married but I think if I were going to dinner with a friend (no matter what the gender) my spouse would be welcome to come. It wouldn’t be exclusionary. I might encourage it so that my friend and my spouse could get to know each other. If I asked my spouse if he wanted to come and he said no, at least I didn’t try to shut him out and he knew the offer was there.

@jca Exactly. That’s how it is for my husband and me. Furthermore, if we happen to cross paths and we hadn’t told each other exectly what we were doing, it’s fine, we are happy to see each other. I’ve never seen my husband angered that I surprised him or was nearby and asked if I could drop in. Plus, in the middle of the work day, neither of us would bother to report to the other one who we are having lunch with, but if we ran into each other it’s all fine.

“For those who think this is not okay to do, I wonder, what do you think you’re preventing?”

@Mariah I don’t think- I know- hubby and I are avoiding a lot of gossip! I trust him completely, and he trusts me completely. We just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary.

But he’s also in a high profile job.

Mariah, for anyone in a high profile job, gossip comes as a matter of course. But there’s no reason to give those dirt bags fuel.

If he weren’t so well known in our community I’m sure we’d have a lot more freedom to live as we wish.

Sure, that makes sense. You’re not quite the demographic my question was targeting. It doesn’t sound like you think it “isn’t okay (i.e. acceptable behavior)” to dine with the opposite sex but that it would cause you unnecessary annoyances.

@snowberry I’d say it matters most with people who tend to cheat. They cheat a little more often when the opportunity arises more often. My exboyfriends brother once said, “if you don’t want your SO to cheat then you be with him.” Miserable life to be with a guy like that, but if you are, then limiting opportunity helps a little.

Well, this Q was started as a result of Trump saying he wouldn’t dine alone with a woman other than his wife. He wasn’t being anything other than really smart!

Regardless of whether you agree with Trump’s politics, the firestorm that resulted because of that comment was gossip! I should know! Been there, done that.

Oops, not Trump. But Pence said that.

Where I live and in the position we were in, that was not an issue. I would hate to have my options constrained like that but I can understand the concern @snowberry .

When I go out with my married friends that are women (the same gender), I take it for granted that if their husbands wanted to join us, they could and they know they could. I don’t see why it wouldn’t be or shouldn’t be the same no matter what the gender – the husband or wife should be welcome to join.

@jca As I said in my first post, I don’t see a should in this. It is up to each couple to decide what their boundaries on friendship and socializing are.

Yes, of course, @janbb. I’m giving my opinion.

@jca Understand.

@jca To me that is some scary Siamese twin stuff. Anytime you go out…anywhere…your husband is invited? I guess I just value my time as a separate person.

@anniereborn: I’m not married (as I said above) but if I were and I were going out with friends, I think it would be a “given” that he was welcome to come. If I go out with my friends who are married, their husbands are welcome to join us. Whether my friend asks the husband is up to them but to me, I don’t care.