Anyone had to deal with caring for an elderly relative?

Find out if she is able to go on Medicaid at that place if her money runs out. If so, then they shouldn’t be able to come to you for money although you may have to take on decision making for her. Does your father-in-law know what her status is? Can someone consult the nursing home for facts?

The answer to this lies in where you live. I only know how it is in the USA. Start by telling your problem to her care facility. They know all the details of how to solve this problem.

When my father was alive he was living with us, and eventually it got to the point where he needed more care than I could provide. They told us that unless we wanted to pay out-of-pocket for his care, we needed to wait (which of course meant keeping him at home) until he had some kind of event that landed him in the hospital. At that point we could approach the hospital staff and explain that we couldn’t take care of him at home anymore, and would they help us find a facility that could take him without cost to us.

That would start a legal process that involved declaring his welfare the responsibility of the government. All his property such as cars, real estate, and financial investments had to be liquidated and applied toward the cost of his care.

Once he was released from the hospital (and regardless of his physical or mental condition), he would be transferred to a nursing home for assessment for a period of up to 6 weeks. Once he was assessed, he would be transferred to a facility appropriate to his situation, -anything from an assisted living center to a lockdown Alzheimer’s unit. Once the government took over his care, we would have no say as to where he was placed, and we might or might not like his living conditions.

When we got to the last of the money we had for Mom, it was a matter of not having more than $2000 in Mom’s bank account, with no other assets, and we qualified for Medicaid. See a lawyer, or other low cost law firm (check with your county/state. They may have a free legal aid office) to see how to qualify for Medicaid.

I don’t exactly have the facts for my situation yet but just want to hear how some of you have dealth with this. She can live in our guestroom if it comes to it.

I am sorry for what you are doing through. My mom just died of Alzheimer’s. She had insurance and the remainder we paid for out of pocket.

Medicare won’t pay for nursing homes. Medicaid will. If she is on hospice then you can get funding.

The suggestion by @snowberry worked for my brother. His long term landlady cared for him until he was hospitalized and she could not/would not take him back. The hospital found a nursing home for him, and a government agency for the aged took care of finding the proper benefit program for him. It took several months to get it all straightened out. He went into hospice.

Someone should have Power of Attorney and also be a healthcare proxy for her by now. If it is your FIL, you may want to look into getting that changed so that decisions can be made when things come up.

My Mom moved to California and was in a succession of care facilities when she was old and senile. My brother made the decisions while consulting with the rest of us. She did not run out of her money though.

If your wife’s grandmother is already some place that she is comfortable with and that you respect, I would find out ways to keep her in there if her money runs out. I don’t know that the scenario that @snowberry describes, while good advice, would apply if she is already in a care facility.

Just my two cents, but taking someone in to your home who has advanced dementia would be very difficult.

My mother has been slowing mentally for years with dementia, and two months ago she had a stroke and needs a lot of care and physical therapy.

Regarding power of attorney – more than one person can have power of attorney. We had two documents drawn up by a lawyer – Power of Attorney for Health Care and General Power of Attorney (for everything else).

My brother and I both are given the same authority. This only works if the parties are in harmony. We don’t fight over things, and are philosophically on the same page. You probably know if this is a good idea within your family or not.

So we can divvy up responsibilities. He is handling the sale of her house, I deal with insurance and banking and paying the bills. We talk and text to keep each other informed. If it’s a big decision, we each make sure the other is on board.,

Spreading the burden is a big benefit, one person is getting buried with all the paperwork and decision-making.

Regarding finances, we are lucky. With a small pension and Social Security she is able to afford an apartment in a decent assisted living facility, and a disability insurance policy is providing money on top of that.

But we have talked to a lawyer about the possibility of running out of money. As Snowberry described, if she lives long enough, we will have to deplete all her assets and then depend on Medicaid.

I was told this when my father was alive: In general, it’s not a good idea for one person to have both medical and financial powers of attorney. If ever there’s a question of abuse of power, you’d better have every duck in a row, because the lawsuit wouldn’t be pretty.

@snowberry and @Call_Me_Jay I agree; it isn’t necessary for it to be one person and probably best not, although I suspect there are times when it has to be because there is no one else. My main point is that these things should be being dealt with.

This might be an option.

Yes! That’s an amazing program! I forgot all about it. I used to know a woman whose grown son was severely disabled, and he required constant care. She got paid to take care of him.

@cheebdragon Both my son and his wife use this option to care for her disabled mother and her elderly grandmother who live in their house.