What should I do?
Ok here goes…I’m a teen from Mississippi in a pinch.For as long as I can remember my parents marriage has been dysfunctional.There has been verbal abuse on both sides but that’s not what I want to talk about.Before I get into that I’ll give you some background.My dad is the deacon of a pentecostal church.What does that have to do with anything?Well he grew up in a secukar environment with a borderline abusive father.He also grew up in a rough area so he turned to religion as a coping mechanism.These factors gave him anger issues(This will become important later)Well recently in the past few years, he’s become more… fanatical in his beliefs to say the least.His views on women,gays,blacks,whites, and even children can range from dismissive to downright bigoted.Oh and don’t DARE question his viewpoints unless you’re looking for an argument that ends with either “You don’t know anything I’ve been around longer then you have” or(and this one is my favorite) “You’re a woman you don’t know shit”.Needless to say this has produced arguments with my mother who while she has her faults,understands that my dad has massive lack of respect for me,my brother(don’t get me started),and my mother herself.Okay here goes…in his fits of rage my father has hit, choked,pinned,strangled my mother into submission.He’s beat my brother and I with leather belts across our backs and legs when we dare call him out on his behavior(believe it or not in some areas of the south they consider this good parenting!smfh).He’s threatened to hit me with a metal wall decoration(when I asked him why he thinks he has the right to do that he responded that along the lines of ‘Because you disrespected me;I have to teach you a lesson’).My mom’s no angel either, since the woman almost killed me by throwing me towards a tree headfirst, no sh$t, I flew about 10 feet before i hit the ground.So yeah I have a dysfunctional family, to say the very least.Today, however it came to a head, with my mother in a fit of paranoia wanting to search the trash for some lost item.My younger brother us still upstairs at this time.My dad was holding the trash bag and not wanting to dirty the floor rebuffed her.In hindsight, if he just ket her rummage through the trash it probably would defused a lot of tension.But shoulders bumped,and brooms were thrown.The catalyst,however,was a volley of threats my mom launched at my father.Remember when I said my bigot of a dad had a tiny problem with anger?Well this came into play when he grabbed the iron on the counter and started towards my mom.I held him back-he’s a massive man-and he relented, but not before saying that he would ‘take my mother’s head off’ if she didn’t shut her mouth.I, noble as I am, said “You aren’t going to hurt sh#t”.Ha, I wish.Replace sh&t with anyone and that’s what I muttered.Well it’s none of your business;ya’ll can’t handle me(he’s an arrogant a##hole as well).I retreated, and he said ‘I’ll knock both of your brains out’.He had put the clothing iron down by this point.So let me cut to the chase, wth do i do?Should I tell a relative(my grandmother is well aware of his anger issues).The school counselor? What if the fact that I snitched(hood lingo) on him makes it way back to the man himself.I under no illusion that this is uncommon , and I feel the police will just give my dad a slap on the wrist.(The cops in this town tend to blame the one who called,at least partly in my experience,I called them when I was having a altercation with my mom,I know that sounds bad coming from a male however keep in mind this is the woman who threw me like a sack of flour previously and lacerated my back in this particular incident,plus she has 50 plus pounds on me I would be naive not to defend myself , but moving on).I seriously fear for the rest of my familys well being if one of us pushes the wrong button.I have taken measures to defend myself only in the case that I might serious lose my life.I am 17 year old black male with a 15 year brother,who I have sworn to protect.So to restate the question, what should I do about my dad?
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22 Answers
1. Next time your father is in a violent rage, call 9–1-1. Call them overtime he starts to go off on one of you.
2. Start preparing to move out as soon as possible. When your dad is not around, have your mother call a battered women’s shelter. They will know how to talk to her and how to help her.
The only way to “end” this is to get out of it as soon as possible. And once apart from your father, do not let him back into your life until he has demonstrated he has been to long term counseling and anger management.
The above advice is very good, but if your instincts are correct regarding what law enforcement will (or will not ) do toward helping you, you might want to quietly visit a school counselor, telling him or her what has been occurring (or just print-out what you typed above and hand it to them, if that is easier for you).
This doesn’t sound like any routine let’s-all-kiss-and-make-up situation to me. I don’t think it is an overstatement to say that leaving things the way they are is life-threatening, so you may want to insist that something be done right now, before it’s too late.
It took courage and intelligence for you to say what you just did on a public forum, and I don’t think you would’ve done it if this situation was not very, very serious.
Please let us know how you are doing. People care. They do.
We do.
@RationalDreamer363 I agree with both previous messages. I believe you and it is critical that you and your brother get out from that situation NOW! The advice for your mom to contact a women’s shelter is good advice. People here do care. I care. My heart is broken for you being in that environment! God Bless and keep you safe.
Speak to a school counselor and see what he/she suggests. I wish you strength and courage to get out asap.
Take action and you will be glad you managed to get away from a toxic environment. Take care.
The 3 of you must defy him in unison.
Rational Dreamer here.Okay I’ve decided to talk to the school counselor tommorow.Still, I’m uneasy about the lack of physical evidence.But ultimately, I can’t handle this alone, so I have to speak up.I thank everybody for their advice, turns out there are people who care out there.
Rational Dreamer here again.MORE INFO…both my brother and my mother are both in denial about the predicament we’re in.My mom puts on a brave face but I can tell that inwardly, she’s pretty frightened same goes for my brother.I don’t know if I can convince her to call a battered women’s shelter though.I suppose we could move in with his grandma but she basically lives next door.To be honest my mother is a highly irrational woman.We get along… okay I guess the only fights my mother and I had recently were verbal spats.The last time she laid a hand on me was about half a year ago.
Sorry if I’m beggining to grate on anybody,I’m just scared out of my mind.What exactly do you think the counselor will do?Also does a restraining order sound like a bad idea?Also, and this is more psychological in nature,but why do I feel like I’m overreacting to a minor situation?Rationally, I know I’m trying to prevent a tragedy but I can’t but feel a bit insecure in my stance.Whatever ignore that last question.
@RationalDreamer363 No apology is necessary. What you feel is a normal response to the horror you have experienced.You are feeling like you are over reacting is also normal reaction. You have been “on the firing line” all the time. Physical and emotional trauma. I’m wondering about child protective services who can remove you from the danger. Be safe. Hugs
I sent this question to a couple of people I think may have more details about how the process works once you’ve notified someone. (Maybe others already on the thread do, too).
You’re not grating on anyone’s nerves, @RationalDreamer363, not even close. Don’t even worry about that. We just want to help you in whatever ways we can.
My first impulse/guess would be: to be honest about your concerns with the counselor. Along with letting them know what’s going on, let them know about what you’re worried about with regards to trying to resolve the situation… the lack of evidence, your brother and mother’s potential reluctance, what you’re worried might happen. You could also ask them questions about the reporting process—before or after you tell them—to get more clarity for yourself.
(I see there are hugs up above. Well, here are some more!)
I can tell you as a former CPS worker that if you report it to the counselor at school, it’s very possible (if you are in the US) that your counselor will have to report it to the State Central Registry (in other words, CPS) by law. If the counselor is doing her job right, she will have no choice but report it. Not saying that all counselors will, sometimes they justify not doing it but legally, she should. What the state central registry will do with it depends on what the counselor says. They could generate a CPS report or they could say this doesn’t qualify.
I was hesitating to say this because I don’t want you to feel you shouldn’t report it. What you decide to do is up to you and I know you’re in a bit of a state of turmoil. You have to decide what you feel is best. Reporting it may be the best way to go. You just have to realize that if you report it, what happens after that is out of your hands and may also be out of the hands of the person you report it to.
I should add that if you report it to any other professional (teacher, psychologist, therapist, nurse, doctor, cop), they are under the same obligation to report it (read up on Mandatory Reporters if you want to).
I think leaving is a good idea but it would require teamwork from your other family members and it would be best to do it all together. It would be tough but again, I’m not saying don’t do it. If you think your mom is strong enough then you should all go to a shelter. Once you all leave, your dad may turn on the tears and beg for forgiveness. Who knows how he’ll react but he may be a tough guy today and a weeping pansy after you leave. He may turn into someone very sweet in order to get you to return. This is all down the road as the first step is for you to decide how you’re going to handle it.
@RationalDreamer363 There would be something wrong if you didn’t feel the way that you do right now, but it sounds like you have the courage to push past it.
Just like you, your mother and brother are experiencing great fear of the unknown, and that is also very normal for a matter as important as this one is.
For now, try to think of this as a “one step at a time” thing. Seek counseling. Learn what your best options are. Little steps. If in a week it all seems to be too much, just pull the plug on the whole idea, and know that at least you did the best you could.
People with real courage seldom regret that they at least made an effort when it comes to something really important.
Think of yourself as Neil Armstrong. You’ll make it to the moon, and we’ll all provide the ticker-tape parade when you get back….
I second the plan of speaking to your school counselor and making plans to leave. What are you planning to do after you graduate from high school?
I am not sure how much the counselor can do. As a deacon, I assume your father has a fair amount of clout. Taking any kind of action against him might go public and damage his reputation. I am in no way defending his behavior, but you do have to look at things from his vantage point.
@RationalDreamer363: You don’t need physical evidence if it’s going to be a CPS report. You just need to tell your story.
Thanks guys(and gals) for the positive reinforcement.CPS has been notified and a review will take place within a few days.Troubling thing is, my dad has been telling my brother to essentially lie about the state of events.My dad will obviously try to downplay everything to the point where it’ll seem as if I am looking for attention.Thing is,my father doesn’t know I’M the one who reported him.And better yet,there’s video evidence of a time where he basically threatened to take my mom’s life.She thinks of the dysfunctional relationship between my dad and her as the only way(they were staying together for us,if my brother and I weren’t in the picture they would have separated long ago)but I know better!She shouldn’t have to feel intimidated and cowed by the man she married!Also I was wondering whether it would be possible to move to a relatives(as opposed to going to a group home or something.I think my grandmother/aunt would be willing to take my brother and I in).Anyway thanks for the support,I deeply appreciate it!
When your mother and brother desperately needed someone to stand, @RationalDreamer363, you stood.
The people at CPS are surely well-familiar with, and have seen some variation of, the fictional tap-dancing which your father will do many times before. They will also know the best ways to help explore the possibilities of living with relatives.
Stay strong. You’re doing great.
Please keep us informed.
We care about all of you.
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CPS will interview your school teachers, etc. to see if they’ve heard you mention this in the past, and how you’re doing in school, etc. Also, they may check with your doctor or any therapists you have been to. If the police have ever been called, they’ll see that, too. Make sure you tell them everything.
How old are you?
In the county I work in, CPS would be right out to your house within the same day of the report. Other counties are less stringent about their requirements for their reports.
In the county I work in, a relative will always be considered a better placement than a foster home, unless it’s determined that the relative wouldn’t be able to keep the child safe (for example, if they think your dad will come to your grandfather’s house and harass you all, or if your father is not allowed to visit you and your grandfather allows him to visit or is deemed unable to keep your dad away).
@jca Why was the father given a heads up that he was being investigated? As the OP said he now has time to threaten or coerce family members.
I have no clue @chyna and can’t answer for what’s going on when I don’t work there and am not privy to anything going on there.
I only know how things work in the county I work in. In the county I work in, as I said, we’d go out within the same day. We’d show up unannounced.
@RationalDreamer363 I am so happy you got hold of authorities and now there will be intervention. It’s possible you’ll need further intervention with the law if your father is “aware” of the situation. Prayers and hugs.
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