What would you do if your new wife did this for you? (NSFW)

Sounds like you have already gone through the stages of grief with this.

I give you props for seeing that she did this “for you.”

There’s a time, and a place for everything. You may need to re-evaluate your communication skills. That is; try and think about the conversations you shared with her that led to this. Maybe you could have phrased things differently.

Secondly, there is potential for good news. She overcame some embarrassment to take the photos. That hurdle cleared, plus the fact that you’re married now, may pave the way for you to photograph her personally as you originally intended.

I would add, we (men) don’t need to necessarily push our women to be porn stars. If you really love her, you won’t force her into things that she isn’t comfortable with.

Chalk it up to a learning experience. Charge it to the game. Move on, and enjoy your new life together…

Good luck.

Peace n love.

Welcome to Fluther, first of all. And let me just say that in something like – what? nearly nine years of users’ “first questions” on the site? – this is probably the best one that I’ve seen. (Don’t let that go to your head, some of the “first questions” have been incredibly asinine. But this isn’t that.)

The short answer is: you need to talk to your wife.

The longer answer is – as you already know, I’m sure – that you have to be careful how you do that. The best advice that I’ve ever had, not that it always worked, is that, like the question you just asked, talk about “your feelings” ONLY. Don’t judge her. Don’t criticize her. Don’t blame her for doing something “different from how you wanted”.

Just restrict your opening comments to “how I feel about this”.

Obviously, if you were considering having multiple sex partners within the bounds of the marriage, you can’t both be too shy about this. But be careful of judgmental commentary.

And good luck; congratulations and best wishes for a long and happy union.

Quit porn.
Resensitize.

You are comfortable with a threesome with your wife and another man, but you are uncomfortable that a professional photographer took artistic pics of your wife?
You may need to check your priorities.

@rebbel Not even remotely at issue here. @chyna I’m comfortable with a threesome involving my wife and another man given that it is WITH me. That she and I talk about it, set it up, choose the person and the place together, lay out our boundaries together and clearly. I’m NOT comfortable with her just going off and doing things with other men alone. The whole point of the fantasy is that we are doing it together, as a couple.

@bbrizi Sorry, maybe I was mislead by this sentence ” ...I wanted PORN of her that I could later use to masturbate.”
I assumed you were into porn…
Stupid of me; assumption is something I should do less.

You sound very particular in what you want and how you want it. I think if I were your wife and went to that trouble and discomfort to please you, I would be most unhappy if you weren’t pleased with the results. I would chalk this gift up to a great effort on her part, appreciate the artistry and put them away somewhere you can appreciate them. If you have your wife, why do you need sexy photos of her to masturbate to but that’s not my business.

I sound judgmental but I don’t mean to. I do think you should appreciate her for what she did and continue to work on communicating with her more clearly on other aspects of your sexual relationship. Marriage isn’t easy, don’t let this bump spoil what sounds like a great wedding day and a great relationship. You may need to be more flexible in what turns you on as well.

Best of luck!

@rebbel You’re correct, I do enjoy porn on occasion. But you apparently think that also means I’m addicted to porn and desensitized. That is wrong. That is an assumption, and a bold one for someone who knows all of 4 paragraphs about me. More than that, your tone and general attitude are rude and unhelpful; even in the slightest. If you’d like to be a dick, go do it somewhere else. Never understood how someone can feel better about themselves after making witty insults to strangers on the internet… but then I guess I’m a healthy adult and I no longer understand the actions of immature people.

@janbb I also suspect she would be very upset if I told her how I feel about it; hence why I am basically resolute to not bring it up. While I may not like the end product I do greatly appreciate the effort that went into making it. Sadly there is nowhere I can appreciate them. They make me downright uncomfortable. You are correct that I do not need sexy photos of my wife. In fact thats why I never really made much of a deal out of it during the years of our relationship. She wasn’t interested in having them taken and it wasn’t something I wanted badly enough to be a problem. That’s probably part of why she was unaware how uncomfortable this would make me; we never talked about the format or type of photos I would want should they ever be taken because she had already said no to it and I wasn’t going to pester her into doing something she didn’t want.

I agree this is a big indication that such fantasies need to be more thoroughly communicated in the future to avoid such mishaps. I do greatly appreciate that she took the effort; I just wish I knew a better way to just ignore this and pretend it never happened than to do JUST that. If I just stash them in a closet and forget they ever existed I worry that she may realize that and begin to question if I like them… which I don’t, but it would crush her to find out.

Why even equate them? Yes, what you want, and what she gave you are both of a photographic nature, but really, it ends there. Like you said, what she gave you is art. Appreciate it as such. Maybe later you approach the idea of the porn you want as an entirely different subject, be more effective with your communication, and go from there.
Try not to see her gift as something-you-don’t-want, and appreciate it as a lovely effort she made for you.
If it bothers you that the photographer saw her naked, then just grow up and get over it. Professionals see stuff. They just do. Deal with it.

@canidmajor I equate them because (and I did leave this out of my original novel) she presented them to me as her finally giving me naked pictures (I forget the exact wording). This was her idea of giving me the photos I had asked for.

I understand professionals see things. But in this context, it unsettles me. I will of course try to get over it (what more can I really do at this point anyways?). But it is upsetting.

@bbrizi 4 paragraphs sounds less than a novel ~
But yeah, of course I don’t know you.
I apologize to you.
Didn’t want to be a dick.
My tone was indeed rude, and was so, based on my assumption, which was dumb of me to do in the first place.

Could it be that she simply does not want compromising pictures of herself in a format and location where they can show up on the internet 1, 5, 10, 20 years from now?
If you take them is there a chance your phone, icloud, igoogle, imgur, ... account could be visible to others? Is there a chance they might accidentally show up on her FB wall?

She gave you a gift. Thank her profusely as It was given from the heart.
She is a smart woman!

It sounds like she was uncomfortable taking nude selfies, so tried to give you something that you wanted (nudes) that she also felt comfortable with (something more flattering and less voyeuristic than a cell phone camera).

Say thank you and move on. Maybe surprise her some day (like, a year from now) with a photography setup with yourself as the photographer, so you can have photos done your way.

@rebbel Apology accepted.

@LuckyGuy I’m quite sure that is a large part of her hesitation to have had photos taken. What little we had talked about it I had assured her they would be on my computer hard drive and that’s it; and that in the event we broke up would be deleted (which I have done with x’s in the past, and noted for her). While I am of the belief this photographer is very unlikely to be putting these on the internet; who’s to say his computer isn’t stolen (he DOES work in a shaky part of town)... Not that I’m worrying about that necessarily, but the format in which she took them is really no more safe.

I did thank her pretty strongly that night for them. As I said, I recognize the incredible amount of work and mental barriers she had to go through to give me this gift. A lot of this thread is just me venting my feelings about said gift. Appreciate the input.

@Muad_Dib That is possible. But that’s part of why I wish we had had better communication about this beforehand. Had she come to me before doing this or asked if this was something I would like; I would have told her in no uncertain terms that I was uncomfortable with it. Now I’m stuck with these photos and walking the delicate balance of showing my appreciation for them, but also putting them somewhere where I can try best to just forget they ever existed. I don’t want to tell her how I feel about them because it would just be crushing to her… to do all that work and sacrifice for such a big gesture… only to find out I hate the gesture. I guess I’m hoping that my venting may help attract advice on how best to walk that line.

If her issue with the photos (or at least part of her issue with them) was the format in which I wanted them, I sadly doubt she will be interested in making more of them with me later, lol. Thank you as well.

Sometimes we get gifts that aren’t prefect for us.

You wouldn’t expect grandma to discuss with you ahead of time whether you’ll love and wear a monogrammed sweater. It really is the thought that counts here.

@Muad_Dib Agreed. And the thought is outstanding. But how do I keep myself from getting another monogrammed sweater without telling her that I hate the first sweater?

She’s not going to do this again. It was a one time treat. You could say at some point in the future that you’d enjoy taking sexy pictures of her but maybe wait a while.

How do you keep from getting another “monogrammed sweater?” Quit asking for for pornographic pictures of her and accept the fact that she is entirely uncomfortable with it. Give her at least the same consideration that she has shown you.

Photos are nice. My memory has pictures too though. I can picture of my ex’s vagina,in perfect detail. Or any other body parts I’ve seen.

Come to think of it, there are plenty of unrelated images, that I would love to unsee…

@janbb I hope you are correct.

@Dutchess_III To be clear, I have not asked her for naked pictures in nearly a year, and that most recent last time was just to give her crap that even now that we were engaged she still wouldn’t (more in jest than anything else). I accepted she wasn’t comfortable with taking such pictures literally years ago. If anything it seems my failure to bring the topic up again caused this entire situation. Had I brought it up again it’s entirely possible, if not likely, that maybe we would’ve covered my desires for these photos and that I wouldn’t be comfortable with another person taking them. Then when she decided to actually go out and take them for me in an amazingly great gesture; it wouldn’t have been like this.

You should read the whole thing before attacking people.

@MrGrimm888 lol…. On the overall I agree with you. I just wish that since this DID go down, it had gone down differently.

I did read the whole thing. She wasn’t comfortable with you having pornographic pictures of her, and she still isn’t. I wouldn’t be, either.
Art is a different thing.

@Dutchess_III Well look, i’m not here to argue with you; but you are completely missing the point of the post. She is not viewing these as different. She gave them to me and said something to the effect of now you can have naked pictures of me, these are better than what I could have taken of myself, etc, etc. In essence explaining to me that she thought not only would she give me those naked pictures I asked for, but she was going to go above and beyond to make sure they were far more amazing than your run of the mill nude selfies. SHE is viewing them as what I wanted; which is not the case.

Maybe I didn’t clarify that with her enough back when I originally asked for them. That’s on me, but to my point to you earlier, I wasn’t about to harass her for photos she clearly wasn’t comfortable giving me… so I dropped it and stopped asking for them. YEARS ago. I wasn’t about to just up and tell her… “Oh hey when you come around to giving me those naked pictures you’ve flatly told me are never going to happen; be sure it’s not professionally done by a photographer.” That would be something an asshole with no respect for his g/f-fiance-wife would do.

Assuming I totally understand the phrase, my dad used to call this “looking a gift horse in the mouth”.

@josie I think you hit the nail on the head.

I just read everything, from the details to all the responses. To me it starts to look like the core of the problem isn’t about the gifts being bad, it’s more about the OP being uncomfortable seeing his wife out of his reach. It’s all about control. He wants to have his wife within his sight and know everything she does. It makes him uncomfortable to see his wife doing things with another man.

It’s understandable from the viewpoint of a man. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy.

Seriously @bbrizi, you can’t keep your wife under control 24/7. She has to go to work, she has to interact with people, she needs to have her own life! As long as she doesn’t start a secret relationship with another man then you really should leave her some air to breathe. How are you to be sure she is faithful? By having some trust. Seriously marriage is built with trust and trust issue is the very things that threatens it. Trust me, the more you try to keep her under control, the more likely she will go out of control.

She took time and heart to make a piece of art just for you, why does it matters that she was with another man at that time? Why does it even matters that he has in his possession some photos of her and you don’t? She took the photos just for you, that’s the solid proof that she thinks of you. The fact that she was with another man or took photos without you knowing doesn’t matter anymore.

My advice is: stop obsessing over why you weren’t there when your wife took photos and let her freely roam around. She’s a human, she has to interact with other human males, deal with it.

Just a thought….are you sure the artist is a male? Would it make a difference if it was a female? Or a man who has no sexual interest in women? Or what if the artist was a lesbian?

@josie I legitimately lol’d at yours. You are correct. But sometimes it can’t be helped looking.

@Mimishu1995 You couldn’t be any further from the reality. I have no concern whatsoever with her interacting with other men. In fact she does it on a daily basis with numerous men; the vast majority of which I’ve never met or even heard about. She and I are both into our 30’s, well beyond the immaturities of a controlling relationship. While I appreciate your attempt of input; you are drawing too much from too little information and using it to make broad assumptions. I have no concerns over my wives fidelity, and we both very much have our own separate lives.

@Dutchess_III It was a male photographer; but the gender of the artist is largely moot to me. Male or female, straight/gay/lesbian/etc, this would still upset me. Admittedly I am more suspect of the intentions of straight men (just from my experiences with both genders and a range of sexualities)... But any combination adding up to another person taking nude photos of my wife would be upsetting to me.

@bbrizi then why are you so concerned that your wife took photos alone and you have to be the one who takes the photos? Being controlling isn’t just about getting upset by your wife having relationship with men. It goes further than that. And it doesn’t just involve male. And people can be controlling without knowing it. From what you have said above and responded to @Dutchess_III, you seem to have some problem with your wife doing sexual things when you aren’t around. You want to be involve too, otherwise you get upset. And I say that is controlling, just in a mild level.

@Mimishu1995 Just trust me, you are so far off base they’re gonna need a lunar lander to get you back home.

@bbrizi just get to the point and answer my question already: why are you so upset that you couldn’t take her photos? Some users have raised that question and you haven’t answer it yet. Unless you provide me a good reason I’m not going to drop my argument.

@Mimishu1995 Seriously, no one has asked that. We are all playing chess and you’re playing checkers here.

You can continue to believe your opinion on this topic; just don’t waste your time posting it here.

Then I choose to believe it. @chyna already asked a similar question right in her first response.

The more you try to dismiss me and evade my question, the more I will hold onto my belief that you have controlling issue. I have tried to point it out to you to help you see another angle of this issue, but it seems like you choose not to take my advice and use sarcasm on me because it isn’t what you want to hear, as you did with some responses here.

This is going to be my last post, I won’t try convincing you to take another look at yourself anymore as you will never listen to what doesn’t sit well with you. I was effectively telling you to stop obsessing over the matter and move on just like everyone here, with only some more insight into the roof cause of the problem, that’s all.

It is apparent that there was a breakdown in communication between your now wife and you. This can be toxic for a relationship. What I would suggest is that at a suitable moment you tell your wife just what you have told us. Ask her what the pictures cost and spend that much again on getting her something that she really wants.

My suggestion is try to get over your feeling of negativity. The past can’t be changed. The photos were taken. Your wife tried to do a good thing (which you acknowledge she put a lot of thought and effort into it). Put the photos away if they bother you. In the future, maybe she’ll let you take some that suit your needs.

I do also get the feeling that with the responses you’ve gotten here, you are still trying to sort out your feelings and sometimes you don’t seem too receptive to the advice that’s been given. People here are doing their best to sort out your thoughts, your writing and the situation. If the advice that’s been given is not suitable, just take it, think about it and if you don’t like it, try not to be hostile about it.

Dude, let it go. That woman is clearly nuts about you. As far as getting her involved with 3 ways if you are upset about this then going down that road will open up feelings that you probably have not even considered.

I tend to agree with others -

If you’re currently jealous of your wife appearing as a nude model (with no physical contact) while she’s actively thinking about you without your actual presence, I can’t imagine what your jealousy will do once you see her in the throes of orgasm at the hands of someone else.

@flutherother That is what I’m thinking. Hide them in the closet and ignore them, and if an opportune moment in the future comes up I’ll address it with her then. I couldn’t possibly do it now though, she put way too much effort into it and it would just crush her right now.

@jca I get hostile when people take WAY TOO MUCH from 4 paragraphs about a total stranger and then make assumptions that I am; addicted to pornography, asking my wife for naked pictures on a regular basis despite her telling me no, and that I am so controlling of my wife I can’t even allow her to be in the presence of other men without me. People have a tendency on this website of getting self-righteous and making the post about some deeper meaning that THEY read into; when in reality my post is the entirety on it’s face. This is why I left fluther years ago in the first place. For the most part the advice has been good, but there’s always a couple people who are ruining it with their idiocy.

@ARE_you_kidding_me I am letting it go. My problem has largely been how to let it go. How to walk the line of showing my appreciation for her effort (which like you say she is clearly nuts about me), without a)bringing something up continuously in my face that I am uncomfortable with and b)potentially leading her to getting me this gift or one similar again.

@ARE_you_kidding_me @Muad_Dib As I pointed out in the original post, the talk of multiple partners has never gone beyond just talk. While even now I suspect I would be fine with it as long as I was there with her, experiencing it together, I have my doubts as to whether there will ever be a time we find out the reality of that. (But you would be surprised; I have met a handful of couples in that “swapping” scene, and the things people are okay with and then not okay with are quite interesting. One couple had no problem with a range of sexual acts with other people.. but kissing was completely off the table and could cause major fights….. just an interesting side note)

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

Maybe at some point you can bring up your feelings about the limitations of the “openness” in your relationship (that you want to be together when doing sexual things with any outside people) as a completely separate topic from the photos. If from there the photos come up, you could explain how you appreciated her efforts but that it did cause you some discomfort.

My concern is your wife is deferring to your questionable sexual appetites and ignoring her own sense of uncomfortableness. She went through with something she wasn’t really into to begin with just to please you not because she is mutually into it.
The whole thing sounds unhealthy to me on multiple levels.
Your greedy and self centered sexual demands and her participating against her own comfort levels.

WHY do you need naked pictures of your wife, the REAL woman in your life to masturbate over when she is right there in the flesh. Creepy, I’d tell you to fuck off. LOL

@Coloma brings up a good point. What if she asked you to do something that made you very uncomfortable, just to make her happy?

@bbrizi: ”People have a tendency on this website of getting self-righteous and making the post about some deeper meaning that THEY read into; when in reality my post is the entirety on it’s face. This is why I left fluther years ago in the first place. For the most part the advice has been good, but there’s always a couple people who are ruining it with their idiocy.”

People here are trying their best based upon what they have to go on. If you don’t like the advice given, you’re free to seek it elsewhere.

Well, there’s another user probably gone.

@Coloma First and foremost; my “questionable” sexual appetites are well known by my wife and have been since the early days of our relationship. She shares in them at least to some degree, or I suspect we might well not be married. She is an incredibly strong willed and fearless woman who would tell me point blank if something I was doing or wanted made her uncomfortable. And she would never defer to my wants if she wasn’t comfortable with them. EVER

Second; I am not greedy or self centered with my sexual demands. If you had bothered to read anything you would find that I stopped asking my now wife for nude photos years ago. She made it very clear early in our relationship that such photos would never happen and I accepted that and left her alone (other than as previously stated giving her some in-jest crap for it right after we got engaged). She went out on her own and had these pictures taken for me without any input or request on my part. And in fact if you told me the only means I have to get nude photos of my wife was this then i would just have said no thanks and gone about my life without them.

So quite frankly, take your advice and shove it.

@Dutchess_III I again point out that I didn’t request these photos from her and would have said no if they were offered. As to my wife doing things uncomfortable on my account; I can already tell you there are certain sexual things I have wanted that she has said no too because she is uncomfortable with it… and I have dropped it summarily. I am not in the habit of making the woman I love do things she is uncomfortable with.

As to whether or not I would do something I’m uncomfortable with to make her happy, the answer is most definitely yes. And while not sexual I have already done several very large things that i was incredibly uncomfortable with for the sake of being with her.

@jca Your advice has on the whole been fine. And for that matter most of the advice given has been. There have just been a few users ( See @Coloma for example) who take someones post as a personal affront and make broad and completely unfounded assumptions and then proceed to insult and otherwise attack the OP. I knew that would happen though, as I stated I am a former user who left because of that practice and it dragging down conversations. The good advice I have gotten from multiple users here has been quite appreciated.

@bbrizi No personal affront whatsoever but certainly, potential for sexually addictive behavior. I’m a pretty wise old broad, not much I haven’t seen or experienced in my years now.
I responded to your statement that in request of naked pictures she was never comfortable with it. That said a lot IMO.

Yet she went ahead and did it to please you anyway. Kinda raised a red flag for me.
I still think your request for naked pictures of your wife to masturbate over is creepy. So shoot me.

You wanted opinions you got them. Someone here once requested that ” only the nice people answer” LMAO.
Well, if you ask be prepared to get all manner of replies, goes with the territory. Glad to hear you respect your wifes boundaries, critical to a healthy relationship.

@Coloma I would expect people will answer the question with their advice rather than insult me and my relationship. You made no attempt to answer with advice towards how best to walk the line of thanking my wife for her gesture while not giving a false impression of enjoyment of them that leads to more, or any advice towards how to gingerly bring the situation up to her without crushing her feelings after the amazing thing she did for me (however misguided to what I would like it was).

You instead called my sexual desires questionable, questioned my wives ability to stand up for herself and not do things she’s uncomfortable with, called our relationship (or at least the situation) unhealthy on multiple levels, called my “sexual demands” greedy and self centered, questioned why I would need nude photos of my wife (which I never remotely claimed to need), and then called the entire idea creepy.

That’s not an opinion; that’s you being an ass…. and a prime example why I left the site years ago and will leave again once this question has run it’s course.

@bbrizi Okay..fine, call me an ass if you so desire, just addressing what I see and hear and as a female I will always be concerned about females that feel pressured to participate in sexual activities they are not comfortable with so being called an ass doesn’t change that one little bit. I’m a big girl, I can take it.
You got what you wished for even if it wasn’t exactly how you would have liked it to be.
I completely concur with @ARE_you_kidding_me.

Let it go and proceed with your other fantasy desires with caution. Remember the old saying ” be careful what you wish for.”

Oh, please stay! Next time you ask a question like this, you can put it in General, and specify in the question details the kinds of responses you specifically do not want. That gives you more leverage to flag those responses as “unhelpful,” or whatever, and gives the mods a reason to remove them.

I agree with @janbb‘s assessment that your wife probably views this as a one-time gift. Look at all the effort she put into making it special, and how she used it as a gift to commemorate a particularly special moment (your marriage). I don’t think you have to worry about her doing this again just because you thank her for the gift. And, as @Mariah mentioned, you can always talk about your discomfort in a more general sense later on, allowing her to understand what bothers you (more generally) without having to feel like you’re discounting the thought and care she put into this gift… because it sounds like you genuinely appreciate her intentions, even if the gift itself isn’t quite what you pictured.

If you do want to bring it up to her specifically, I would stick with describing your own feelings, like @CWOTUS mentioned. You might also consider explaining your discomfort as something you realized upon receiving her gift. That you love her gift for what it is—emphasize that part—but you also found yourself imagining her interactions with the photographer, and to your own surprise you found yourself feeling a little jealous… I would also avoid words like “misguided”—those kinds of words might not translate well.

I suspect there is a way for you to talk about the difference between the photos she gave you, and what you had meant when you mentioned it way-back-when, without her feeling crushed. Things like you said in the OP are probably a good way to start: “These photos, they are beautiful. They are masterfully done and amazing. . . . they are ART.” Focus on the positives.

I would also imagine, given what you know and have shared about her own trepidation with naked photos, that she was probably more uncomfortable taking them than you are receiving them… And I don’t in any way mean that as an indictment, if that’s how it reads. I just mean—consider how uncomfortable she was willing to make herself for something that would make you happy. If it were me, I’d accept feeling a little uncomfortable with the photos, and I’d accept the photos not being exactly what I had in mind, in order to celebrate them for what they are: As you described, artistry, and a big deal for your wife. I’ve gotten plenty of gifts that were what someone thought I wanted, but not what I had in mind (granted, nothing quite like this gift!) I’ve always grown to love the gifts as they are, and for what the givers intended, and I wouldn’t ever part with them.

As for help getting over your discomfort, focus on what @canidmajor (and others after) have mentioned: the photographer is a professional. Think of him as such. Think of him like a doctor. (I would think that OBGYNs see more than he does, for example). Also remember your own descriptions of the photos. They aren’t porn. They’re art. That’s proof, first, that he was professional and respectful with your wife, and second that he won’t be ‘getting off’ on them any more than you are.

Finally, another congratulations on your marriage! And welcome back, whoever you were!

Hhhmm…your new wife took the time and effort to give you sexy pics of herself and you’re worried because they aren’t explicit enough? Here’s my thought…use them as a way to remind you what you have. They are supposed to be an enticement…something to whet your appetite. Porn pics do the same thing, just with less class. If you have fantasies, instead of looking at a picture of her to help you masturbate, keep those fantasies until you are with her in person and then have fun! She sounds like she is sexually adventurous and would probably help you with any fantasies you had so don’t get wrapped around the axle on this one. She did classy art porn for you…accept it, say thank you, and use them to remind you of what you have.

I think the word “class” pretty much says it all.

Something I think most men don’t understand, especially young men, is that women, especially young woman, would be absolutely floored to truly realize that men would prefer to see close ups of vaginas and anuses, that could belong to anything, rather than tasteful, sexy, classy pictures of the one person they claim to love.
It was a slow, dawning realization for me and one I don’t truly claim to understand to this day.
You want her to put herself in your shoes (which she can’t, BTW. She wouldn’t understand it.) But I say put yourself in her shoes. Try to think, for a moment, how a woman thinks. It’s vastly different from the way men think.

@Dutchess_III If it were only possible. Men can’t think like women any more than women can truly think like men. That is why there is so much confusion between the two. All we can do is try. And young men and women seem to have a harder time than older folks. There’s something to be said for experience, n’est pas?

We can’t truly think like men, because it’s so foreign. I agree. But we can try. I understand that men are excited by explicit visual stuff. I don’t feel it myself, but I try to understand, even though it just makes me SMH. I can accept it.

I don’t know of any reason that men can’t try to accept the way most women feel. At least try. Try to accept it. Try to understand what she feels those pictures mean, rather than focusing on what you feel about them (to the OP.)

Actually, it is like any gift. It’s always nice when someone gives you exactly what you wanted, but when someone gives you a gift, you have to also look at the thought that went into it. If they put thought into it, it was a good gift, regardless of whether it was on your top 10 list or not. They were caring enough to give it to you. If it is a schmuck gift that they got at the last second because they felt that it was required, that speaks more about them.

@seawulf575 @Dutchess_III my issues are far less with the style of photos than with another person having taken them without me there and now having them in his portfolio. It just makes me uncomfortable.

I do have an update for this all but I’m not typing it out on my phone. Tomorrow evening though I can give you all the latest (and likely final) update.

@bbrizi I didn’t catch that as the issue…sorry. Can you ask the guy for all the negatives? At least a waiver that if you find them on the internet, he’s at fault? Are you worried your wife might have strayed from you? I would still say that she was looking for a gift she thought you would like and she wanted to surprise you. Did she fool around? I can’t say…but if you are worried, ask her.

Final Update:

So I thought about it for a while, reviewed advice here, and finally talked to one friend who I felt comfortable enough actually talking with about the situation. In the end I decided I should tell my wife, making sure to emphasize to her how amazing it is that she would do something so nice for me; so that’s what I did. We had a long drive and on the drive I told her.

I started by explaining how awesome it was that she would do something like that for me, and how greatly I appreciated that she got over the mental barriers she had to such photos, let alone the physical/monetary/etc barriers. And I thanked her for doing something so nice for me. I went on to tell her that in the interest of being open and honest with our new marriage that the photos just made me uncomfortable. I basically stuck with my bigger issue, her being nude and photographed by another person without me. I emphasized again how despite my being uncomfortable with them that I was extremely grateful for her gesture, it being the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, and also pointed out that she does look amazing in the photos.

She was understandably upset by this news. She went through a range of emotions; sadness, anger, etc. We had a few more conversations about it over the course of the weekend; but by in large I believe she understands and is okay with everything. We had a long weekend together and what I had at first worried I had ruined by starting it with this news ended up being a great time with one another. We were somewhat helped passed the moment by some bad news from relatives of ours that put this into prospective for us (I don’t want to dive to deep into personal details).

She is obviously disappointed with me not liking the photos (not for their content but the means by which they were made); but I pointed out several times that even if I had loved the pictures the gesture of her actually making them would have been far more meaningful to me than the actual photos themselves… and that gesture and meaning is still there for me.

As for the actual photos; I plan on writing an e-mail to the photographer thanking him for his professionalism and making my wife feel so comfortable but telling him I am uncomfortable with someone else having these photos of her… and asking him to delete or otherwise erase all of them. The actual physical photos I plan to burn. I do have the idea of collecting the ashes though and putting them in some kind of sealed container with something along the lines of “Proof that your wife loves you enough to do anything” or what not…. that way I have a permanent reminder of the amazing thing she did, without having to physically look at the photos that make me uncomfortable.

I appreciate the help most of you gave in this thread. Thank you!

I’m glad you were able to talk through it with your wife!

If I may, though it isn’t really my place—I’d hold off burning them, just because it’s something you can never undo, especially since you’re also going to have the photographer delete his files. It will never change the fact that your wife had the pictures taken, but it will erase all the beauty she was able to create from what was almost certainly an uncomfortable experience for her… And you did say these photos were beautiful.

Most likely, your discomfort will fade with time, especially if you give it a chance to do so. I would just recommend giving it that chance before you do something you can’t undo, and may even regret farther down the road… I would also imagine that turning the photos into something like an urn would only preserve your discomfort. There wouldn’t be the art that would eventually become the forefront, only the reminder that those photos bothered you at one point…

Like I said, it isn’t really my place…. I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped. I don’t mean to, although I worry that I have….

And, seriously, please do stay a while!

You…. you plan to BURN the photos she gave you? If you do that, then everything you told her, under the guise of being “open and honest” was a lie.
In the end, it’s really all about you, about how you feel and what you want.
That just pisses me off.

I find the OP to be very self centered, @Dutchess_III.

^ I second that. One week of marriage and this is what the poor woman is dealing with. LOL

@Dutchess_III Yes your highness; I plan to burn them. To clarify somewhat (though I doubt it will matter to you); my wife gave the photos to me as a gift. When I told her I was uncomfortable with them she very explicitly informed me she has no interest in keeping them for herself. I even offered up that everyone ages and she and I will likely not look as good as we do now in 30 years (lord knows I’m already teetering downhill) and she might cherish them later for herself… but she shot the idea down and suggested I instead throw them away. So thank you but no thank you; my openness and honesty with my wife is not a lie.

The problem has always been about how I feel (did you miss that part???). I – me- myself – @bbrizi felt uncomfortable that my wife was nude with another person in this context. Given that the photos were made explicitly for me and my pleasure I feel that my comfort is pretty pertinent here; and in the interest of having an open and honest marriage I expressed my feelings as such to my wife. As stated a hundred times over; it is not lost on me the incredible gesture my wife made for me (which is truly more valuable to me than any photos ever would be). So rather than throw away the pictures that I can’t look at without feeling uncomfortable and which she has no interest in keeping, and at the very least risk the garbage man or neighborhood boys garbage-picking discovering them whilst leaving myself no physical embodiment of that deed…. I felt like burning them and displaying the ashes somewhere to remind myself frequently of my wives selflessness seemed like a good idea.

@Soubresaut I thank you for your advice and kind words. Sadly the words of @Dutchess_III @jca and @Coloma have only cemented my resolve that I am leaving Fluther again now that this thread has run it’s course. So long as people such as those three are here giving their self-righteous and insulting responses, this site will never progress passed the handful of dedicated users it has now. It’s no surprise to me that some of the same people who helped drive me to leave 3–4 years ago are still here insulting people and making sure everyone knows how awful they are for having feelings they disagree with (they must really be lacking affirmation in real life); whilst most of my good responses came with people I suspect (based on leurve) having only been here a year or two at most. Do yourself a favor @Soubresaut ; leave Fluther. It’s not worth the raised blood pressure and stupid arguments that unfortunately come with the good answers you may get.

Thanks again to all those who gave good advice! Now if you’ll excuse me; I’ve got to go be self centered and cook dinner for my wife who is getting home late.

Fine. You’re uncomfortable with your wife posing for an artist. But you don’t really care about her feeling uncomfortable posing for jerk off material for you. Splendid.

I’m out.

The OP also doesn’t seem too bothered by the fact that he upset his wife with his explanation and plan to burn the photos.

@bbrizi: When you ask people for their opinions and advice, some of it might be things you don’t necessarily agree with.

If my wife did that for me I would keep and cherish that shit. You don’t know how lucky you are. The fact that this makes you uncomfortable probably means you have some deep seated insecurities that need to be dealt with. This is not going away, it will manifest later in your marriage unless you own it and tear it out. Don’t fuck this up.

Just love the professional photos. When you have been married for a while that is the time both of you will bring out the ‘big guns’. It keeps it exciting. Tell her to take random sexy photos. Then you can tell her straight what you intend to do with these photos. Tell her you’ll do it in the toilet at work, the train etc., she’ll be so hot by the time you get home, she’ll take many more. Trust me on this one!