My brother is eating himself to death and enabling his children to do the same. Should I say something?

It’s a really tough one, isn’t it? Being overweight is of course just as unhealthy as smoking for example. The challenge is that he has to want to change. Have you asked him if he wants help? Sometimes just becoming interested in the health science of food can help a person to change. The taste buds change as well, the more one consumes heavy fats and sugars other healthier foods taste strange at first.

Also, there is a preconceived idea that all healthy foods taste bland. I make a mean curry that is healthy for example and my juices are so tasty. I know this as my partner says so!

Tell him earnestly that you are worried. Once he wants to change there are so many different approaches to healthy eating, as opposed to dieting, which is a horrible word.

@LornaLove He understands healthy eating but simply chooses not to do it. He was on a clean-eating kick for a while and he dropped some weight but went off the bandwagon. His wife is from a West African background and is a good cook but they still have a lot of junk food in the house. She and her older daughter are not heavy but I think that in her culture, being big isn’t seen as a bad thing.

My brother doesn’t have an “off” switch when it comes to eating and prefers comfort food above all else. His stepchildren adore him and have definitely found an eating buddy as well as a father figure. And who wouldn’t love someone who will buy you unlimited french fries and pizza?

I don’t know how to broach the topic but I’m genuinely alarmed. It’s not at all about how he looks, I’m afraid that he’ll have another cardiac episode but next time, he may not make it. It’s not unheard of for men in their 40s to have fatal heart attacks.

You should say something, but what you say is important. He will have already heard what everyone has had to say about it so far, with the present results. A lot of what people have to say has not helped enough, or may even have contributed. Probably your first thoughts about what to say may not be effective.

So, if you are committed to doing your best to make a difference for your brother and his family, I’d try finding the best counselor I could with expertise in the area of weight issues, and see them yourself to ask for advice about the most effective ways to be supportive and helpful, be willing to get communication training or whatever they recommend (assuming they are good).

If it were my brother I would at least say it once so he knew your opinion. It might give him reason to think.
Older or younger brother?

Really not much you can do without coming across as meddling and intrusive. Just becaus someone makes bad choices doesn’t make them stupid. Lots of smart people make poor choices. All you can do is express your love and concern for his health then let it go. There is a fine line between concern and codependent control issues.

Tread lightly or risk him distancing from you. This situation is not any different than having an alcoholic or drug addicted family member, nothing you can really do except control your own behavior and basically MYOB.

I agree with @Coloma. You may make him nervous to be around you in fear that you’re going to give him a lecture. I’m sure he’s aware of what his health issues are, the risks are, and how he feels physically.

Unless he is somehow mentally impaired, he knows. You might mention that you are concerned, but beyond that you are more likely to annoy him than not. And unless the children are in immediate peril, there is nothing you can do. If you feel the children are in real peril, then involve Social Services, but really, in this area, you are without power.

I wouldn’t lecture him.
He knows he’s risking his health.
The children’s health is a different story; here’s hoping that school counselors/teachers or house doctors come into action (if they are at risk), but again, I don’t think it is wise for you to take action.
The only thing that I would consider doing is tell him what you told us: that you care for him, that you worry for him, and the kids, and that you love them.

I understand your concern. I feel you need to talk to him about it once – for your own sake if nothing else – but have to realize it may be futile. What is your relationship with his wife like? Maybe you could talk to her about the kids even if not your brother. But realize in either case there is not much you can do.

Fat people know they’re fat. Informing a fat person that their diet is unhealthy is not going to help anything. Trying to subtly trick them into realising that they are keeping unhealthy eating habits isn’t going to work, either, because he’s probably not a complete idiot.

This is just my own take on it, but here goes:

The overeating habits started somewhere, for some reason. I would assume this is why he couldn’t maintain the changes he made with his “clean-eating kick.” While he changed his outward behaviors for a period of time, and clearly knows what better behaviors are, he probably didn’t address whatever stressors cause him to turn to food to for comfort; he probably didn’t find other, healthier ways of dealing with those stressors to replace the food-based ones. Food is a common way to run from problems of any sort (cue cliche scenes from chick flicks where the protagonist consoles a broken heart with ice cream), but unless the problem is strictly “body needs fuel,” food will never solve it, only distract from it.

I don’t think that you can solve for your brother whatever stressors drive him to eat in excess. But you might have an idea of what those stressors are, and maybe even alternative strategies he could use to deal with them—(strategies which would give him more satisfaction in the long run, because they would address the issues rather than dodging them). The trick would be to find a way to bring this up with your brother without sounding too intrusive or paternalistic. I don’t know that I have the words for that.

Thing is, he knows. There is no way a doctor wouldn’t have said something.
This so sad.

@Dutchess_III et. al. Yes, it is sad. My brother is also an accomplished educator who travels across the country and internationally giving keynote addresses and training other teachers in his field. His children and his students have an immense amount of respect and love for him. So yes, he is more than intelligent to understand that high Kcal food + lack of exercise = obesity, hypertension, and diabetes. He just fails to act on it. He is a food addict.

What upsets me though is that he’s (maybe without realizing it) passing this on to his kids. The kids are always eating something and don’t get exercise. If they were just garden variety fat, I would feel more comfortable zipping my lip and hoping that it sorts itself out, but they are made of pure blubber and even walking makes them winded.

I’m close to my brother but don’t get to see him often due to geographical distance. I don’t want to overstep boundaries but I guess there’s not much I can do without risk of damaging our relationship.

I just had another thought. Maybe you could approach him to talk about your concerns about the health and well-being of his children and how you think they are being hampered. Not say a word about his food choices but just focus on them. That might be an approach he will be able to hear and even if he doesn’t change things for himself, maybe it would make a dent regarding the kids. But again, tread carefully.

Gosh.

I used to have a friend who got on me about smoking. Her biggest argument was “Think of the example you’re setting for your children!”
Well, she was 100 pounds plus overweight and had the most atrocious eating habits (I once watched her lick a bowl of salmon dip clean….) She always, always had food and snacks lying out. I wanted to say, “What about the example you’re setting for your kids with the eating?” but I zipped my lip.
That was decades ago. Her kids were little then, and skinny like mine were, but today they’re grown and….fat.

Somehow it’s socially OK to confront people about some bad habits, but not others.

Bottom line, what other people choose to do is none of our business, period.

Same could be said of drug addicts and alcoholics, too. If they’re destroying their lives, and the lives of their children, it’s nobody’s business but theirs. People who love them just need to sit around and watch it happen.

@Dutchess_III Yep, and you can, and have every right to, remove yourself from the situation, tell the person you can’t be around them when they are drinking or drugging but otherwise, nagging, pushing, lecturing, are all copedendent behaviors. You just have to free people to make their own choices , you can’t forcefully change or wake up anybody that isn’t already ready to make changes.

@Dutchess_III I hear you about smoking vs. food addiction. Neither is a good habit, but one is more socially acceptable to take notice of than others.

I think it has something to do with aesthetics. Many people make weight into a looks issue rather than a health problem. It somehow feels more…personal to call out someone’s obesity rather than their cigs or how many glasses of wine they have before bed. Saying that someone is obese can be perceived as calling them unsightly and somehow diminishing their worth. And the fact that we treat obesity as a moral shortcoming probably doesn’t do much to help. Many will disagree, but smoking is still seen as “glamorous” by many while obesity is seen as unsexy and ugly.

We’ve compelled Big Tobacco to pay billions per year in “smokers tax” toward anti-smoking initiatives but have not done the same with fast food companies and snack/soda producers. When NYC enacted its infamous “soda tax,” you should have heard the outcry from some people.

Eating inordinate amounts of food has come to be seen as inherently American. It’s our right. Go to a ball game? Gotta have a hot dog, AND ice cream, AND a large fountain soda. Go to a restaurant? Gotta get unlimited appetizers and keep ‘em coming! Americans tend to want “bang for their buck” when it comes to food rather than taste and quality.

There is even evidence to suggest that “hyperpalatable foods” could be partly to blame for increased obesity in the developed world. The taste of food can literally disrupt the circuitry of our brains, leading even the most disciplined diner into a dietary tailspin if they aren’t careful.

http://io9.gizmodo.com/how-hyperpalatable-foods-could-turn-you-into-a-food-add-1575144399

I agree @LeavesNoTrace. However, all additions can be seen as “moral shortcomings,” if you think about it.
The only difference between eating and other addictions is that you HAVE to eat. But how to eat less, or differently would have to be incredibly difficult given our societal influence. Can you imagine trying to kick a cocaine habit, and every other commercial was about how great cocaine is, and cocaine was offered as a free appetizer at every restaurant?

That trend you’re referring to is quite recent. I remember when the only thing you could get at McD’s was a regular cheeseburger or hamburger, and only one size of fry. Man, their fries were SO good.
Then the “health” thing hit and they had to quit using lard and start using vegetable oil for their fries. They aren’t anything like they used to be.

Odd how the “healthy eating thing” coincides with increasing obesity rates. I actually think the health thing came first. It especially breaks my heart to see overweight toddlers.
I saw a commercial the other day that said, “If your pet is overweight, it isn’t your pet’s fault.”
Same goes for toddlers, but no one would dream of putting it right out there like that, right on the parents, when it comes to children.

@Dutchess_III The choices at some restaurants can be overwhelming and contribute to a sort of sensory overload that goes into overeating. Particularly in places that have blown-up, detailed (almost pornographic) photos of their food on the menu.

Weight is such a sensitive topic. I supplement my living as a curve model and am looking forward to participating in NYFW. However, at 5’11 and a small-waisted size 12, most people say I don’t look “plus sized”. Well, stand me next to a fashion model (same height, size 2), and I’m GINORMOUS! It’s also funny because curve models are the latest sacrificial lamb for the fat acceptance movement, which annoys me because I don’t condone someone eating themselves to death.

There’s not much I can do about my brother, but I do wish that he would not encourage his kids to abuse their bodies. In NYC you don’t see many truly fat children so it was quite distressing when my 11-year-old step-niece was huffing and puffing to keep up with an average pace of walking when she should be able to skip, jump, and play without issue. Or that her 14-year-old brother spends the majority of his time wheezing on the sofa and stuffing his face. I would be aghast if my kids were at risk like that just as much as if they were huffing asbestos and eating lead paint.

As I said, not my kids and anything I would say would be perceived as bitchy/sanctimonious/judgemental but goddamn does it make me sad.

@LeavesNoTrace Yeah, thing is too, that obese kids are more likely to stay that way their whole life compared to people that maybe pack on some extra pounds as adults. Old habits are very hard to break on a longterm basis. Big dif. between a 10 year old that is 50 lbs. overweight and a 60 year old that got hit with middle aged spread. haha

I know @LeavesNoTrace. I feel for you. I feel sorry for the fat kids too, chuffing and stumping along because they can’t keep up. And it’s their parents who are to blame.

My step daughter once complained that “all” her two year old son would eat were these bags of corn puff snacks. They were visiting and he was walking around with a bag of them as we spoke.
I said, “Well, he’s not the one buying them you know. If they aren’t in the house he can’t eat them. He’ll whine for a couple of days but then he’ll eat other things.”
A month later, when she visited she said, “Yeah, you were right. But it did take two days, and that freaked me out.” Well….kids are not going to starve themselves to death in protest.

@Coloma I just hope that they get healthy without being somehow traumatized. Unfortunately, looks/image matters in this world even though it’s not supposed to. Kids can be cruel and adults (in more subtle ways) can be even crueler, especially when it’s time for an interview or promotion. Hell, even thinking back to school days, teachers were definitely nicer to more slender/attractive children.

@Dutchess_III I’m glad that was a wakeup call for your stepdaughter. People are so afraid to cause children even a sliver of distress that they’ll tap dance around them like they’re fragile gods. I’m not a parent yet, but my SO and I have agreed to be firm about the important things and not indulgent.

Some of our older friends who are affluent-ish professionals have started having kids and boy do they give in easy! Two-year-old doesn’t want to go to bed? Let her stay up until 1am and drive you insane! The nanny will deal with her cranky ass tomorrow. She doesn’t want to put on her shoes? Let her run barefoot.

It’s a special form of insanity that defies reason. However, because they are also image-conscious above all else, the kids probably won’t get fat…

To be fair to my brother, he’s an ideal parent with other forms of discipline and has been so good for those kids in many ways, I just hope he doesn’t “kill them with kindness” in this regard.

When I was in school I think there were a total of two slightly over weight children in the whole school. But that was in the 60’s a 70’s. Back then we just ate whatever. Most of it was full of butter and fried! People would freak out today.
Here is a good example. This is my girl scout troop in the 60s.

Well, if a two year old can actually stay awake until one in the morning, there is something seriously wrong with that kid’s schedule. I had pretty strict bed times for the kids. I also had a “routine” that lasted about 30 minutes and it was all designed to calm them and prepare them so it didn’t hit them out of the blue. Like, watching a movie and suddenly “Bedtime! NOW!” That’s guaranteed tears!
But doesn’t want to wear shoes in the snow? Fine! See how long you last!
Don’t want to eat dinner? OK. Find something else but I’m not cooking anything special. (I almost never had junk food so fending for themselves wasn’t a problem.)

If parents have any hang up about foods it will come up when the kids grow up, and are in control of their own eating habits. I mean, your situation is a perfect example of that.

I agree that parents are often too afraid to take a stand a lot of the time because there has been this shift in the last 20 years or so to be your kids “friend” over being a parent first.
I also think that being image conscious above all else is a recipe for disaster. Then you get the opposite effect a lot of the time, 10 year old anorexics. The trick is to encourage physical activity, healthy eating but let the kids indulge now and then too. People can go to the other extreme as well, forbidding their kids to have cake at a birthday party or a soda or whatever.

Like anything that is totally forbidden the desire to have it just increases and ramps up the risk of later abuse. Be that candy, alcohol or sexuality.

Well, when I grew up nobody “encouraged” anything. It just was. Nobody gave what we ate a second thought. Mom made desserts for dad sometimes and I’d get in on those, if I liked them.
Same with my kids. I didn’t care what they ate. And I mostly threw them outside to play. That’s one of the big reasons I moved to a small town, so they could have the whole town to explore instead of just my back yard.

@Dutchess_III Same here, but…the mitigating factor was we PLAYED outside ALL day. Rode our bikes, skated, ran, played hide and seek and ditch ‘em and jumped rope and swam and rode horses. Kids now are all about their devices, Minecraft, Video games, everything is a sedentary and solo non-activity. Just like people getting fatter with the advent of so many desk jobs.

We did. We were NEVER inside. Well, sometimes. Because it was time for lunch or dinner. If it rained and we couldn’t play in the rain (thunder and lightning) we were in the basement or exploring the attic.
I don’t know about you, but I was at the local pool all day every day every summer. It was just a big concrete thing full of water and a couple of diving boards. I think diving boards are outlawed now. I KNOW the high dives are. :(

LOL! Remember those damn strap on metal roller skates @Coloma? I swear they marketed them as the way to kill your kids without suspicion falling on the parents!

You know, video games started coming out in the 80s and 90s. I refused to let them in my house. My Mom once asked me why and I said because that’s what they’ll do all day instead of being outside. If you try to limit the time, it’s fight time and pouting.
So the next thing I know Mom picked up a video game at a garage sale and brought it over. I was SO mad. I said, ” I told you I don’t want them in the house!”
She said, “It’s just a game and you’re being ridiculous.” She said that in front of my kids.