Should I tell my BFF that I want to give a speech at her wedding after she told me they hadn't planned on it?

I’d like to think that if you are really BFFs then you could talk to her as a friend and make the request. Something like “We’ve been friends forever and I just want to say that to the whole world” or something similar.

If you can’t say something like that to a BFF, then .. examine how close you really are to her.

And if she pushes back, then you have to be a good enough friend to accept it.

Just tell her like you told us. If she thinks you’re making unreasonable demands after knowing you for 25 years, trade that “BFF” in for a dog.

Why should you give a speech at her wedding? If she wanted you to, she would have presumably asked you to and if she’s said only the best man and matron-of-honour are giving speeches, that’s all she wants. Are the parents giving speeches too? In my experience, there are often too many speeches at weddings. Perhaps she wants to keep it to a minimum for the sake of their guests. It’s her wedding.

OP reporting in: See that’s where I can’t decide. It’s her wedding and I want to respect her wishes, in case they are trying to keep things to a minimum. I don’t want to be pushy. But it still made me upset for some reason and I started crying after I hung up the phone with her. My boyfriend was a little upset (that I was upset) and thinks I should tell her that I want to be able to give a speech.

I don’t think it’s usual for the bridesmaids to give speeches. In my experience, it is limited to the parents and best man and the matron of honour. Do more people give speeches in your experience? What if Uncle xxx says he’d like to give a speech or the groom’s other best friend? Where should she draw the line? Why do you feel YOU should give a speech? Are you a fabulous speech writer? I understand you’re feeling a little hurt, but why are you hurt? You’re part of her bridal party. That says a lot about how she feels about you. Who is her matron of honour?

Your boyfriend loves you. You’re sad. Of course, he’s going to take your side.

And I’m not trying to be harsh here. I do understand that you’re feeling disappointed.

I’m not sure why I’m hurt. I guess because I felt like it was a rite of passage, but maybe it really isn’t. Her sister is the Matron of Honor. That’s a bond I’ll never understand because I don’t have a sibling.

I’ll let it go. If she wants me to say something, I’ll have it ready. But otherwise I won’t bother her about it.

Perhaps you can find another way to let your friend know how much you mean to her. Are you holding a bridal shower? Perhaps you can give a short speech then and tell her how much she means to you. Or write her a letter that you give her on her wedding day – that’s between you and her and in which you express how much you value the friendship.

Of course. I helped host the bridal party and I have a special gift in the works for her right now. She didn’t want a shower so we couldn’t do that. We’ll figure something out. Thank you for your responses!

I dunno, I don’t see anything wrong with a quickie toast, not a full blown speech, just a spontaneous ” So and so has been my best friend for 25 years and I wish her and so and so all the happiness in the world.” Who could get mad at that? I’d just go for it, but I am also a spontaneous type.

I am in a similar position about something regarding my son’s upcoming wedding. I put it out there the way I wanted it in a non-demanding way and it will be up to the bride to agree or not. If she doesn’t, I won’t make a fuss; it’s her wedding.

Weddings cause so much stress for people.

It’s the bride and the groom’s event. As has been said before, the fact that she chose you to be in her bridal party is indicative of her feelings toward you. Send her a personal note and she will have it forever, and enjoy your status in the bridal party. Most important of all, enjoy the wedding and don’t let your disappointment about this come between you and your friend.

It’s HER wedding. The day is all about her. Whatever she and the groom have planned, you should go along with it. The 2 of them will be stressed out already from the demands of others dissatisfied with similar petty nonsense and the inevitable crises that accompany such affairs. You can depend on it. You can probably get away with a quick toast (10–15 words) AFTER the sister. But you must not appear to upstage her, and considering the wishes of the bride and groom, why run the risk?

Write the bride (or bride and groom) a lovely heartfelt letter.

Please restrain yourself from demanding, or even politely asking if you can give a speech. It will only be awkward for both of you.

And for goodness sake, stop crying about something that isn’t a slight. Either be happy for her or don’t, but don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

ASK, not tell.

If you really want to ask her, I recommend you call it a toast not a speech. The word speech makes it sound long.

The tradition is for the best man to do the toast. At my wedding my dad did it. My dad did it, because our planned best man almost didn’t come, and I didn’t feel sure he would feel comfortable doing it, so I just asked my dad. I would have been fine without a toast altogether, but it’s one tradition I went with.

I can tell you that when I planned my wedding I didn’t want a bunch of things that interrupt the festivities. By festivities I mean the eating, dancing, and conversation. I didn’t stop the wedding to cut the cake, or to do some sort of garter thing, I didn’t even throw the bouquet at the end. Thank God no one was dinging any glasses for us to kiss. The only halt to my reception was a blessing over the challah (the bread) and the toast immediately after that. Maybe you can count that the first dance was just for my husband and me, and then our parents joined us on the floor, but otherwise everyone danced all night.

Why are you crying? I think I missed something. Did she already say no to your request?

About this special gift, you aren’t expecting to present it during the wedding or reception are you?

What @YARNLADY said. Ask! Maybe she thought you wouldn’t want to and was being nice.

Thank you everyone for your responses! I will ask her, politely, if I might make a short toast at some point. If she says no, then I’ll let it go. :) I already have a letter and a special gift for her anyway.

Just wait until the reception gets rolling and everyone is having fun then just give your speech. Don’t ask to give it as some sort of solemn occasion. She would have already asked you to.

Yep, I agree with @Dutchess_III a little toast/speech, minus the serious formalities is fine IMO. If anyone objects to friends and loved ones sharing their sentiments over the occasion, well…stick in the mud control freaks. Once the champagne and booze is flowing I bet there will be quite a few impromptu “speeches.” LOL
You could also take the bride and groom aside and propose an intimate toast to them on the sidelines.

So many options that won’t violate the code of formalities.

Something just caught my eye. The end of your question says, ”...after she told me they hadn’t planned on it?” Have you already brought this up and she simply told you they hadn’t planned on it?

I agree 100% with @JLeslie – you should think in terms of a toast, not a “speech.” Keep your sentiments very brief.

At the wedding reception, you’ll get a sense of the crowd’s mood. If the event is fun and relaxed, all sorts of people might step up to toast the couple. This sort of thing isn’t planned; it just happens when the tone is right. If the groom’s friends say a few words, and if the bride’s Uncle Charlie grabs the mic and wishes her happiness, you could easily slip in your own toast.

^^I thought the same thing that when the toasts happen the OP can also slip in a toast, but then I hesitated to suggest it, because it could start a bunch of people grabbing the mic and maybe that would get annoying? It really does depend on the specific wedding I think. Some are all about dancing and party party, some are elegant dinners, some are relaxed and casual, some are broken up by all sorts of planned things (crap) and what’s one more.

@JLeslie LOL I agree…planned things = crap. haha

^^I mean a few are ok. But, when you barely get ten minutes to talk to the person next to you it’s annoying.

Exactly, my ex MIL was the planner from hell, drove me insane, every few minutes was another now we HAVE to do this or that. Ugh. I hate control freaks with all my being. haha

@Coloma Oh God. That’s a nightmare.

Simply put – no. Do not tell your BFF what you want to do at her wedding. Your role is to support her, to assist her, to help her push back against people asking for special things.

If there is an appropriate moment for you to say 10 – 15 words at the reception, ok, do that. A quick toast thanking her for being your friend and thanking for including her in the day and you’re done.

Better yet, put those thoughts in writing for your BFF and her groom to enjoy when they’re home and relaxing after the wedding / honeymoon. It will have a lot more meaning for them at that point.