If you could ask your pet a question (and they could answer) what would it be?

What does doggy heaven look like?

Do you actually like me!?

Why do you get up on the furniture when I leave the house?

“Will you please stop yowling and banging at my door at three in the morning?” And the answer would probably be “no” and I will have wasted my one chance..

“What the fuck are you saying?”

What do you think / wonder / dream about?

I suspect most pets only think or care about their very immediate circumstances, which is hard for me to comprehend. I am constantly thinking about what time it is, where I am geographically or where the planet is in the Solar system and galaxy—how much money I have, what I owe, and where I’ll be five or twenty years from now. Our pets are blissfully ignorant of these things, but most of us humans couldn’t stand not knowing.

What do you think about all these silly songs and nicknames we make up for you?

Why are you so fascinated by scents?

What would you like that would make you even happier?

Are you asking what the question would be, or the answer?

Because I already know my dorg’s first answer to every question: “No.” Even if she really means, “Oh hell yes, I really want to go outside! I gotta pee like a race horse!” her first answer is “No.”

The question would be, “What the hell has thunder ever done to you, that you react to it so?”

(She’d say, “No.”)

Hey, Larry, Mo, and Curley, (my 3 goldfish), why don’t you guys ever blink in there?

I only have fish. I’d want to know how I can make their home better. Fish are not the low-maintenance pets they’re made out to be since you have to take charge of their entire environment, the pH, hardness, cleanliness etc. of the water in the aquarium. If one of the parameters is “off” it can be hard to figure it out since fish aren’t very expressive. If I could just ask one what’s up, that would be so great.

Why do you keep biting me?

You are a freakin cat, eat what I feed you and shut up. Meow MIx my ass!

Where’s your tummy? Where’s your tummy?

Here’s my tummy! Hee heee.

That’s what I usually ask, and that is the standard response.

Sometimes I mix it up and ask where’s your nose?

Why do you shake all of that excess water off only when you’re standing right next to me?