I am not completely estranged from anyone in my family, but I have family members who are estranged from other family members.
I think this is so individual, because it matters why you are estranged, and each individual is different.
My sister cut off from my father years ago, and my sister and I were extremely close, so I know a lot about her thought process, and I grew up in the same house she did. My father did not physically or sexually abuse her, or anything close to it. Not a spank, not anything nearing any of that blatant type of abuse, and she would agree. The cut offf has everything to do with what she sees as verbal and psychological abuse. Many many people have told me that she should find peace with my father before he dies—for her. These are people who have family members who did not do that, and now regret it. Even deathbed reconciliations seem to be worthwhile according to some people.
I really think it matters the why and the what, and the individual. I do think she would have a big weight off of her shoulders if she could have a “forgiveness” moment, and understand our dad, actually both of our parents, did the best they knew how. That they loved and love her, and some of the things they did that hurt her were out of their own anxiety and fear for her.
What I presume is, I don’t think she would visit his death bed for him, unless it was to tell him one last time he was horrible. Extrenely doubtful she would attend his funeral even if his death brought her relief, and I think she believes it will. I don’t think she wants to hear people say nice things about him. She also is wound up in knots about her inheritance, so she has created anticipatory stress with that too.
Honestly, witnessing the estrangement between my father and sister, I would say visiting his deathbed or funeral is too late to help her feel better, it needs to be now. My dad worries a lot that my sister is damaged from their relationship, she also says she is. She would never believe he actually cares about her healing, but she is completely wrong.
If I had been physically abused I think I would have a really hard time doing anything that was for that person like a deathbed visit, even if it was supposedly to help me too. I’ll never forget a client of mine saying that when her grandfather died her mom and grandmother danced on his grave. They weren’t estranged, but he was abusive, a tyrant, and they finally were rid of him. I would think many people who cut off family members for physical abuse would be just fine to see that family member die, and not feel any obligation to do anything for them.
My inlaws temporarily cut off from each other all the time. They won’t talk to a sibling for 3 years, or stay angry for 7 years not completely avoiding each other, but obviously a grudge is being held, and they don’t interact with each other. I know they absolutely would drop the estrangement in almost every case and show up at a deathbed or funeral. Their estrangements have to do with a relative stealing, or not following through on a promise, or something said that really upset the other. In almost all cases, from my perception, it’s misunderstandings and miscommunication. In a few there really was a serious bad deed done.