I'm terrified to date again. How do I overcome my fear?

Clingy needy guys tend to be attracted to.a certain personality type.
If you have known this fellow for a while, you should be able to see whether he is the needy sort. If he is, back away. Whatever you like about him will eventually be overshadowed by his neediness.
If you are not sure about him, then don’t date him until you have been around him enough to be pretty sure.

Don’t be in a big hurry to date.
There are so many other good things in life. It is a needy person trademark to be in a hurry to find a new relationship.

Go with friends in a group with your friend to a café or other safe location. Don’t call it a date.

Date him a bit longer and find out what he is like. Don’t make a commitment until you are sure. One is entitled to that. Time is a great storyteller. Look for ‘red flags’ things that indicate he is clingy? You might know the red flags well by now seeing that you’ve experienced them before.

Don’t call it a date.

I think that is the best advice.

Pursue your friends and hobbies and be open to new friends and hobbies. Don’t make it about sex and commitment until you want to. There’s no hurry.

Break up when you notice the clingy. Surely you will notice before they give up friends and hobbies.

So, don’t date, for a while at least. This is not a huge life crisis.

When I’m on my first few dates with a new girl, I have some important (to me) things to get out of the way. Like, “do you do hard drugs?” “Do you have any STDs?” “Are you a religious person?” “What are your short/long term goals?” Where do you see yourself in 5 years, and why?”

Then, there are some sexual stipulations (nothing crazy.) But the sex stuff I put a much longer clock on. Not a time thing, but a compatability thing. I don’t mind waiting, and even I,as a male, will make a “love” interest wait for me too…

If this were in Social, I would have a few other things to say about the question, or OP, in regards to my opinions.

It’s certainly not a Q that a man could’ve started without a lot of blowback.

The OP may be better off, at this stage of her life, simply having “friends with benefits,” and being blunt about that expectation from the start. And being honest about what exactly she is seeking from a relationship with a man. That way, there won’t be confusion.

A guy who genuinely likes a girl, will want to spend time with her, and will prioritize the time the two of you spend together over other things. That’s normal, not clingy. All of my male friends and I know we’d rather be with a girl we like, than with the guys we always hang with…

Is it possible that you have just never been “head over heels for someone?” If you were actually that into someone, you would want to be with them too.

If your needs are just physical(and there’s nothing wrong with that,) just don’t “date” anyone. Just get a “buddy.” Odds are, a man would be quite agreeable to just being a “bootie call.” No shame in it. We (guys) will usually be an easily convinced participant.

Then.

After awhile, or if you so desire, you can look for a man who cares about you, enough to be “clingy.”

I know that when I was younger, I was the opposite of clingy. When I was seeing a girl, I would intentionally be hard to find, or avoid her. I would only go hang out, if I was pretty sure I’d get laid. Then, I’d leave.

I have learned that I didn’t care much for that. Or me, for being that person. Or how I made girls feel, through my actions.

So, as I grew up, I would be less deceptive, and more transparent with the girls that I had relationships with. And what our relationships were. Lots of people are quite receptive to just real talk.

If feelings get involved, a wide variety of actions could be subjectively viewed as “clingy.” But more so, if the feelings aren’t reciprocated…

I am also confused by the word “terrified.” Has someone been violent, or possessive? That’s a different thing…

I can’t imagine a guy giving up friends and hobbies for a woman unless pressured to do so and you say this happened twice! My advice? Make his friends your friends and take an interest in his hobbies.

If you keep dating the same type of guy then either, you subconsciously pick out a certain type that is going to be that way, or you have a problem with being intimate. It’s not so unusual for people to stubble through a relationship and sometimes think that putting their best effort into a relationship will require all of their attention.
When my husband and I first got together. We both did it. We were both so involved in our relationship that we let others go to the side. Well, eventually as you both feel secure, one will start to act more normal and may feel like the other person is clingy.

Well I was the clingy one until he pointed out that I was clingy. So I did the complete opposite. I started to ignore him and make more friends and then he became jealous. It took a while before we found a happy middle ground. One where I wasn’t clingy and where he wasn’t jealous of my friends.
In every relationship there is a struggle for dominance. And clingyness is a form of dominance. If you are constantly being needed then you have time for no one else. But sometimes clingyness is the need to be the perfect partner gone overboard. That was my thought at the time. If I save all my time for him, then I am being the perfect girlfriend. But at the time, I didn’t realize it did the opposite. Maybe just let this guy know ahead of time that you don’t like clingy people.

Don’t think about it so much. Don’t think that you just have to meet someone. Make up your mind that you may never meet anyone, ever. Then let it happen, if it does, naturally, with no stress, when you are comfortable with it.

Set your standards and don’t compromise. If you don’t want clingy and the guy starts, either tell him up front or dump him. It is okay to date someone, that’s how we get to know each other these days. And realize that not everyone you date is going to be the One. Also, take some time to think about why this guy appeals to you. What are the traits he has that you like. If he starts getting clingy, then the next time you look for someone with similar traits that isn’t clingy. The catch there is that if the traits that appeal to you contribute to his being clingy, you might want to look at what you are missing.

Take. It. Slow. Just date casually for a while with no commitment until you are sure the guy is potentially a keeper – at least for a while.

It may be that you are unconsciously choosing guys who become clingy and needs. Perhaps you can explore that with a therapist.

In the meantime, make a list of the early signs that occurred in your first two bad relationships and watch for those. If you see them, consider them red flags and break it off.

Until you see those signs, date casually, not looking for anything but having a good time with someone.

Maybe I AM choosing men who are clingy, without realizing it.

And “terrified” was a bit of an exaggeration. But I did file a restraining order on one ex, the other threatened suicide often when I would spend time with someone other than him. I guess I’m “terrified” of being in that position again.

But I think some of you were catching on, whenever a guy is a little too nice to me, I immediately question whether he’s going to turn out clingy.

Perhaps a therapist would be best?

Also what personality traits attract clingy men? So that I can work on changing that about me. I would not say I’m clingy, in fact probably the opposite. I’ve been single for 2.5 years and don’t see that changing soon. @Patty_Melt

Don’t worry about changing your core self. If you are a confident, capable woman, you will naturally attract these types. What you need to work on is recognizing them early, being ready to end those relationships as soon as you figure out that you are in one, and consciously choosing men to date who are not clingy. The therapist can help you with what to look for.

Meanwhile, some of these articles might help you. And this one.