Angry Political & Offensive Brother in Law?
So this my boyfriend’s sister’s husband. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years so his family is mine. We are more life partners :) Three years ago, we moved into a duplex house with them. They have their apartment and we have ours, we just share the backyard and laundry room. It has been going very well except for the Brother in law! I will call him Joe.
He is super political and it’s all I ever hear him talk about. What is crazy is that we have mostly the same beliefs… we are both the same political party and I generally agree with everything although he tends to be more extreme and not at all understanding of other people positions or perspectives. He just rants at me and others like we don’t agree or know where he’s coming from. Since this 2016 election he has been supercharged. He is obsessed with race and ethnicity. He is only partially Mexican. His grandpa is from Mexico but all other relatives are Caucasian. I am the same – I am white but my grandpa is Spanish. I consider myself Caucasian though while he obsesses over calling himself Mexican. He’s obsessed with race and constantly disgraces white people. He makes rude obscene comments to me and other white people about how we are entitled and “oh that’s such a white thing to say” or “well if you weren’t a privileged white girl maybe you would understand.” His comments are so rude and humiliating. One time he said in a hot and heated conversation that “everyone can be racist towards white people because they deserve it but whites can’t be racist to anyone.” He says these comments to my friends and I even heard that he is really offensive in his workplace. He tells lies and big fish tales about how he is treated differently because he’s “brown” or because his last name. We were flying together once and he said I didn’t need to worry about anything because I’m white and they never mess with white people. He got really crazy about how he was just anticipating the ‘racist pigs’ when we got to security. They ended up pulling me aside and doing extra security checks and gave me a hard time because I had metal on me somewhere but I couldn’t figure out what it was to remove it. He breezed through with no issues and instead of letting it go he said it was reverse racism, they didn’t want to mess with him so they wouldn’t get in trouble for being racist. I’m just exhausted from being around him and he rarely shows his kind side anymore. I have to be around him often because we now have a little nephew and another on the way and I want to be part of their family. It’s getting to the point where I have to try not to mention things so as not to set him off. I constantly fear he will humiliate me in front of friends or new people because he has done it so often in the past. My bf hates it too but he is so passive he never says anything. He tells me getting enraged is what he wants he just likes to argue and press people’s buttons. I’m a really open minded person and try to be as empathetic as humanly possible but he tells fibs and lies to make his stories sound shocking. He is no better than the other racist jerks out there.
What do you think I should do in the future? I feel like we are letting him walk all over us just to not enrage him further. I told my bf I wanted to just kindly tell him one on one that his political and racial rantings were stressing me out and getting in the way of us enjoying time with him but he thought I should just leave it. Am I being sensitive and would this just cause awkwardness or something? I welcome any suggestions that will help me find some peace.
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7 Answers
That was some wall of text. Um, your BIL is a fearfull, pathetic, sheepish little f**k isn’t he. He is the reason many conservatives hate liberals. What to do about it? Honestly you just need to create distance. Ideological people are insufferable, I don’t care which side of the isle they project their insecurities from. I have an uncle who has been completely ostracized for his kooky right ideology that he would never shut up about. We have all been much more at peace because of his absence. Personally I would resist the urge to tell him off because it’ll do no good.
I wasn’t planning on telling him off but just explaining how he’s making me feel and maybe it would help everyone if we didn’t talk race so much. I agree through, he probably will get defensive and make this an even bigger deal and then end up being worse. Thanks for reading my wall of text. :)
Well, he certainly loves to be the victim.
I’m not going to mention the flaws in his thinking (there are many) because that wouldn’t answer the question.
I would seriously sit him down, and say “Hey man, you know I love you, but you can’t keep spouting off all this nonsensical political BS. A lot of your comments are rude, generalizing, and are embarrassing.”
Make sure he knows that it’s something that is upsetting you and that you don’t enjoy your time with him when he gets like that. If he says that you should just leave it, be firm and say “No, this needs to be worked out now”
If he decides to bring race into it, then I would personally say that you aren’t going to hang out with him in public or private until he cools it. I wouldn’t want to be in public with someone who is embarrassing me. Especially over race, because that is a sensitive topic currently, and as I said earlier, there are so many flaws in his thinking that if he says those things to or in front of the wrong person, that could lead to a confrontation that is no good for anyone involved.
You are not censoring him or preventing him from sharing his political views, you are just making sure he knows there is a time and place for all that.
What does your SIL (your boyriend’s sister) think about the situation? It’s her husband doing all the ranting right? You should have a private conversation with her and ask her what she thinks you could try. If she doesn’t have a good answer, then I think you and your boyfriend need to make an appointment to talk to this guy, together (I would be fearful for you doing it on your own) and let the man know that you respect his opinion, be it whatever it is, but let him know that it upsets you and makes you uncomfortable when that is all he ever talks about, and that his anger scares you, then ask him, politely, to refrain from the political talk when he is around you.
I would also talk to all of your friends and relatives, with whom he might come into contact, and let them know what you have told us, about his angry ranting and antics, let them know that maybe they might want to avoid him, or at least have some advance warning of what they are in for.
If you boyfriend won’t talk to him with you, consider sending this man a very polite letter, explaining how his political viewpoints are fine, but you would prefer that he didn’t discuss them around you, because it makes you anxious. He’ll probably have a fit, so be aware of that.
In the meantime, look for another place to live. You might want to mention that to your brother’s sister (in private) so she’ll have a heads up. Let her know why you need to move. Let her know that you still want to be part of her and the kid’s life, but until her husband stops harassing you (and that is what he is doing) you won’t be around him, at the same time, and that is why you are moving.
Then look or another place to live, as soon as possible. Even if you have to live in a place that is not as nice, or not as convenient, for awhile. If you stay, it will probably get worse.
Okay, wow, I totally misread your question. I read it like it was your boyfriend that was being obnoxious, I’m sorry for that. My answer is still somewhat the same, I just wouldn’t say that you love him.
and I would follow what @Kardamom said. Try to find a better place to live if it’s getting too much for you. If you are too harsh with your confrontation ya’ll could get kicked out.
They can’t kick us out, we rent from a landlord. But it isn’t so serious that I feel I need to move out. I’ve been keeping my distance just to refresh. The holidays are coming and I WILL be around him a lot so I need to learn to let it roll off more. I hadn’t thought about talking to my SIL because she doesn’t take things seriously. However, this might be the safest way! He might just listen to his wife more than anyone. I will be talking to her soon in a not aggressive way.
welcome to fluther, by the way
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