NSFW Has the lack of libido caused strife in your relationship?

Sometimes. I don’t think anyone is completely matched up for that long of a period. I think you have to find a way to communicate that works for you both.

For us, health, pregnancy, breastfeeding, work, kids, stress, exercise and everything else in the world has caused problems with libido at some point. Sometimes that causes strife, sometimes it doesn’t. I think in our case it helps we’ve both been on the other side. It’s hardest when you can’t identify a cause, or the cause affects you both, but differently, or the cause just isn’t going anywhere for a while and that’s longer than one side wants to wait.

I think you just have to be really honest, and introspective to a certain extent. Start with yourself and figure out what’s going on, then explain that. Recognize what you’re really asking for and what they’re asking for. Recognize who the other person is. Are you asking for something that’s against their nature? Don’t treat the answers like they’re obvious. Hopefully your partner can do the same.

I think it becomes a problem when people start feeling a lack of respect either way. Whether that’s the partner who wants more sex, or the partner who doesn’t, we’ve been taught that no one is wrong so it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you’re justified and right.

There is no right. There’s really only your agreement that matters. If there isn’t agreement, then you’re causing damage to the thing you’re trying to fix. It’s like driving on a flat tire, or ignoring your oil light. You get where you’re going, but the cost is too high.

You deal with it by communicating and compromising to some extent. Try to address the respect (or why it’s important to you) instead of the sex. It won’t be magic and suddenly just happen, but you can’t work on the sex until you figure out the rest.

Other way round for me, my low libido was a major problem with my past relationship. He wanted sex constantly and I’m happy with 2–3 times a month. I understand that that is a very low frequency so I’m willing to do it more often for my partner’s sake, but he wanted it constantly and couldn’t take no for an answer. It was to the point where I would feel relieved when I had my period because I’d be off the hook for a week (except not really because he’d ask for blow jobs).

He was the guy I lost my virginity to, and he bullied me into having sex with him the first time by saying that he couldn’t wait much longer and was going to break up with me if we didn’t do it soon. I should have dumped him then, because that pattern of behavior continued and eventually became unbearable.

I’m now in a much happier and more respectful relationship.

There are times.

Fortunately, I have enough life experience behind me to realize there are mitigating circumstances and that “this too shall pass”.

I have a very high sex drive. My ex seemed to be OK with it. Then, she started taking an antidepressant. It lowered her sex drive considerably. I eventually felt bad even trying. I got kind of jealous at one point, because I thought she was cheating on me (I still think that. )

Anyway, it really didn’t help. We used to have sex at least 6 times a day. Towards the end, I was lucky to have sex with her at all. The sex always seemed enjoyable for her, and I gave her oral daily. Everything just changed one day. I tried for longer than I should have to make it work, but we broke up.

It’s important to be sexually compatible with your partner.