How do I talk to my roommate about her boyfriend?
Hello, all.
I have been living with my current roommate for a few months now. I am a single adult male and she is an adult female in a long-term, long-distance relationship. Naturally, given that her boyfriend only lives a few hours’ drive away, I expect that he will come visit from time to time. However, she will often have him over without any warning at all. This wouldn’t bother me if he was pleasant, but every time he comes to visit, the apartment is immediately filled with negative energy. He hardly says a word to me and shuts me down with his body language whenever I speak.
It’s obvious that this person is uncomfortable with the idea of his girlfriend living with a single guy. I have had candid conversations with my roommate about this before, but they always seem to end up coming off as a joke (e.g. “Haha yeah, he might kill you!)
I’m not particularly bothered by him disliking me, but is it too much for me to expect a days’ or even a few hours’ notice before this guy walks in and makes me feel like some creep who’s trying to take his girlfriend away? I don’t want to come off angry, but it’s really important to me that my home be a comfortable and stress-free environment, and this guy takes that away from me. How do I breach this topic with her seriously and without coming across as if I don’t want her boyfriend over at all?
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5 Answers
Honestly.
Maybe it’s time you found a place of your own.
Agreed. And since speaking to her isn’t working, try writing her a note and say what you said here. Tell her you want a face to face conversation with her, and what your expectations are.
I’m guessing she will stonewall you as before, and you’ll have to move out. Better yet, SHE moves out and you get a better roommate.
Who owns the rental contract? That would decide it.
Justify his passive aggression and mistrust of you by hitting on his girlfriend.
I just wanted to kindly point something out that maybe isn’t apparent until you wrote this.
He’s successfully making you uncomfortable, in your house, simply by being macho/alpha, and all it has taken to this point is body language to shut you down. Again, in your own house.
You can start it as friendly as you want, but the solution begins with expressing that isn’t acceptable to you. You can approach it with your roommate if that’s most comfortable, but it needs to be more than a joke. You can approach it with him directly, and that may go better, but you won’t get anywhere unless it takes a bit more than body language to keep you from getting your point across.
Think through exactly what you want, how it will affect them, and if it’s a reasonable request. Then express that to them in whatever way you feel best about. Don’t get put off though. They’ll respect you more for it.
Maybe one way to get your roommate to see your side would be to bring up a hypothetical friend you brought over who actually was hitting on her, and made her uncomfortable. If that friend just started showing up, and didn’t treat her with respect, how would she feel? Would it be up to you to either handle your friend, or make his visits minimal? Would she feel it was her job to avoid him?
You pay for that space to have a comfortable place to live, and he’s a guest. You’re not wrong for expecting him to treat you with respect.
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