Advice: Should I attend Christmas Mass with my family?
I’m going to try to make this brief but also provide a little bit of background information. I’m 27 years old and was raised catholic by my parents. I was baptized, had my first communion and confirmation, all by the time I was 10 as was the custom.
The other day I was talking to my parents and my mom mentioned that my brother would going to church (he is younger than me and still lives with them) with them for Christmas eve mass. I’m staying with my parents on Christmas eve since my boyfriend is out of town and I don’t want to stay at my place alone. I told my mom that I wouldn’t be going to the mass with them and she questions me on why. I told her that I don’t consider myself catholic. She asked me since when, and I told her it had been a couple of years. That is wasn’t something that I just decided, it was a conclusion that I came to over a period of time by reflecting on my feelings and ideas. I told her I believe in God, I’m not an atheist, and I do prayer sometimes, but that I don’t believe in practicing a religion. She was clearly upset about it, but didn’t really react, still I know her and I could tell.
Without going too much into it, I’ve never truly felt at place in the church, being gay, but despite that I just don’t feel a connection to it, and I don’t see eye to eye with some of its stances. Religion is not something that provides me any comfort or support, despite being filled with many great people. Belief in a high being, God, does, but not religion itself.
I’m not here to be convinced to reconsider, I’ve already come to my own conclusions, but I wanted to give a bit of back ground so that you know where I’m coming from when asking this question.
My mom said to my brother, before I had said anything to her (I only found out after when he told me) that it was important to her that we all go together. And I considered that. I thought about it before my brother even mentioned this, that it is probably important to her. I respect that she finds comfort in it and that it’s a part of her, I would never try to convince her otherwise, but I think she should also respect that I don’t practice and that it’s not something I believe in. I know maybe it will take her time to get over as I never really mentioned it to her before, it’s not something that ever came up. But I’m an adult now, and one who no longer lives at home and hasn’t for 7 years. I haven’t gone to Christmas mass 2 years since I’ve spent Christmas with my boyfriend. And I haven’t attended a regular mass in even longer.
So what are your opinions? Do you think it’s rude of me not to attend the mass with my family? Or is it unfair of her to expect me to attend? Or something in between.
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14 Answers
I don’t practice any religion. Atheist is practically my middle name.
However, I still go to Catholic Mass weddings, funerals etc.
I simply don’t take part in communion or recite the prayers. I just bow my head and shut up.
It’s real harmless. Nobody cares, and I am fine with it.
It seems to me you might want to make your mom happy at Christmas?
My mom died before I was 27. I would go to church with her every Sunday if it would bring her back.
This isn’t about religion, or what your beliefs are; it is about making your mother happy.
If you get along with your parents well enough to be home for the holidays, consider yourself fortunate and maintain the connection with family. That takes a little effort, but don’t harm the relationship by “making a statement”. Go, for your mom, it will make her happy and remove the chance of years of discord.
Thanks so much for your perspectives. I really didn’t know if I was being unreasonable or not, I just left feeling bad about it, so I had to ask and get it off my chest. You’re right it is harmless to go. It wasn’t so much about making a statement as just me not comfortable with it. But you’re right, in the end I want to keep a good relationship with my mom, with my family. We are all very close with each other and it’s not worth even a minor bump in the road over just an hour of mass on one day.
I agree with the above answers. It’s really about spending the time with your mom and making her happy.
I lost my mom 6 years ago and wish I still had her.
Yep, you will not melt if you go. Make them happy, is more of “being with them” than “being at church”.
One clarifier…has anyone at the church ever given you a hard time about being gay? Have they confronted you or ridiculed you? Has the priest refused to treat you as a child of God? I guess if that was happening, I would say that you need to have that discussion with your mom. But beyond that, I’d go. It doesn’t hurt anything and would make your family happy.
Spend your time at mass meeting your mother’s eyes and smiling. Spend the time during the prayers thinking your own thoughts. Don’t take communion.
Going to mass takes nothing away from your own beliefs, which are very valid.
Thanks everyone. I just want to clarify that I’ve never been a defiant son/person, I attend every event or special occasion my family has, and I visit/have dinner/with my parents or invite them over at least once a week, and sometimes more. I thought maybe it wouldn’t matter if I just skipped one thing, but like has been mentioned it’s also Christmas time and doing this will just be nicer and harmless. I talked to my dad about it this morning and he is of the opinion that I always have a choice, but even though I acknowledged that I do feel like I have always done what would make my mom happy at almost all times, so i guess admittedly I was feeling a bit defiant in this instance, but maybe it’s the wrong time to say no for once. I still think that I should be able to say no sometimes I can’t always say yes, but in this case I’ll have to agree with you. It’s not a big deal. Thank you everyone for the advice. Sometimes you just need to hear (er…read) others say it.
If you still believe in God, go. Don’t sweat the details.
I agree with these others, go look f you want your mom to be happy. It shows no disrespect to her beliefs if you attend in the name of family love.
Respect your family’s beliefs, for this event, even if you don’t share them, and this is a special circumstance.
It sounds like you have thought this out well for yourself.
Have a happy, loving holiday!
Go with your mom, for your mom. Consider it a Christmas Present for her. She is still reeling from learning you are no longer Catholic. It won’t kill you (promise) and it will bring her some comfort and joy.
Atheist speaking:
Yes, go. It’s not about the mass. It’s about the family.
@GhostGhost IMHO going to Mass with your family is important to your family. I think I would go. Family is precious. God Bless!
I, speaking as an agnostic, agree with the others.
Think of it in terms of going to someone’s wedding at a church. You are going to be with those people, even if the church, or symagogue, is not your own religion.
I do not “attend” church, but I do celebrate Christmas (not in a religious way) and I think it would be interesting to attend a Christmas mass.
Also, I love art and architecture and socializing with people, especially family, so if you can look upon your attendance as simply something you are doing to be kind to you folks, and that you will possibly enjoy the surroundings, or the music, and the company, then go and enjoy yourself : )
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