Ever had a situation where you had to move in with an elderly parent? How did you cope?

About five years ago my living situation went to shit and I needed out ASAP. My mom let my live in her backyard. There was a real room in the backyard with a bathroom. I wasn’t in a tent. That wasn’t bad. I paid nothing and my mom brought me Arbys every morning.

Fast forward to what is happening now. My mom and Kurt’s house is in a serious state of disrepair. The roof needs replaced and there is mold and wet spots all over the place. There is a church that owns all the land around their place and they have wanted the property for a decade. They are willing to pay 70K over what Zillow lists the house at just for the land. They will bulldoze the house. And no bullshit with closing cost or inspections. Just here is a check.

So they are buying a new place closer to my sisters where I will have my own little self contained unit since I hate being around people.

But they demanded that they have absolutely no control over money. They are horrible at it. Both are on a fixed income and manage to be broke in a week. They do actually have enough money to live comfortably. But not when you pay Comcast 250 a month and spend 40 a day on Chinese food until you are broke.

So I am kinda in the opposite situation. They are putting the new place in my name and giving me their money. I just have to make sure the lights are on and there is internet. And I will allot a weekly allowance for luxuries.

I’m a cheap bastard. But I am never broke. My mom gets her SS and splurges on stupid shit. I will ensure that she has money on the day before she gets her SS. And yeah. They are going to start saving a bit so they don’t have to get a payday loan if the car needs new tires. Because fuuuuck payday-loans.

Unfortunately for you anyway, it is still your mom’s house and she has say on what is in it and how it is run. Even if you are 47. There are no free lunches so to speak. I suppose in return for having a roof over your head you are getting cheaper or free accommodation? Then it would be expected too that you help her out in some way. All relationships are a two-way street. It’s best to get that straight before you move in or else you will both be miserable.

You can store your furniture and pay for that, or perhaps use her garage if she doesn’t mind that for example. You can also risk asking certain people to look after your things until you claim them back, often though this doesn’t always work out well. It’s really not her affair that your stuff won’t fit into one bedroom she has been kind enough to give you space. I certainly wouldn’t like it, would you?

Have a meeting with your mom prior to moving in and understand her ground rules. It’s her house. Then if you are unhappy you can ask for compromises or perhaps move somewhere else.

As for coping, keep your personal contacts at the ready, go out and about and do the things you enjoy don’t get hooked up into just living there like you perhaps did years ago, but also be prepared to be helpful.

I would read this more as, “I want to help my mom out and not I need free rent”.

I’m only 40 and my mom wants me around to lug the garbage and recycling to the curb. And mow the lawn and clean the gutters. Which is totally fine. But I wouldn’t look at what the OP describes as mooching.

@johnpowell Perhaps I misunderstood yes? Then she needs to compromise too, big time.

I don’t need much more room, just maybe another bedroom to put stuff in. All the stress over this is doing a number on me, which, since I have diabetes, high blood pressure and congestive heart failure, is particularly not good. My mom does not cope with change well, but she is the one who suggested this in the first place.

Assume that all your stuff was sorted out and in a separate room would things be cool with living with your mom?

My mom is great. She brings me Arbys and constantly tries to turn me gay. She is the best.

I don’t see this as simply “her house, her rules.” It sounds like it is potentially beneficial to both of you to move in together and that she is seeing it as a help to her. As I recall, you have some vision problems as well so living with another person could be a help to you.

I think you need to have a frank talk with your mother before you move in about what your needs and expectations are and see if you can come up with some good compromises. Negotiate for two rooms if that’s what you want and try to stay away from the child/parent roles. Otherwise it could be a recipe for great discomfort.

Make sure you have time to yourself. I lived with my grandma multiple times, with various significant others too. And it can be rough.

If she insists on being in control, understand that she may go through your stuff. Would you be able to put a lock on your door, and be confident that she wouldn’t hire a locksmith to make a key for herself?

@snowberry…she is not one to go through my stuff. I’m not worried about that at all.

This probably won’t answer your question, but something I have thought about a lot for myself. I was very sick last fall with a lung issue and for a few months had trouble going up and down the steps in my home.
I know you have some health issues too that perhaps would impede you from walking up and down your mothers three story home. I don’t know if she has any heath issues, but here is something to think about.
She could sell her big home, and in the process clean out some of her junk. The two of you could buy or rent a one floor plan home that would be both of yours. Yes, I know it is easier said than done, but if you both have health issues, it beats falling down a flight of steps and breaking a hip.
Good luck to you. Taking care of elderly parents is a very hard and thankless job.

When you came into the world it was your parents who changed your diapers… I think you could find a way to live with the people who did that for you, when you needed it.

My mother would not sell her house.