Does this story seem sketchy? I need all the opinions I can get... I'm sorry for the long story?

First of all, grocery stores are notorious for friendly hookups with coworkers, trust me, that is not unusual at all.

Second, it sounds like they are both way too immature to worry about a relationship or even hooking up, he sounds weird so I’d just scoot him on out of the picture.

Third, Having a son at a young age and trying to move up in his job are great, but he’s way too focused on sex, which is normal for a young man, but maybe not one that has a child already.

That’s all I got, if she happened to get preggers, then he’d have two kids to support on a grocery store paycheck, not good. And if she goes for it anyway, make sure she doubles up on protection!

A lot of this behavior isn’t “rape-y” or “stalkerish”, It is awkward, and not very mature, and maybe creepish, but your reactiosn are a bit overblown.

He sounds like a guy with too much baggage to me and that’s enough for her to walk away. Every incident doesn’t need to be analyzed; it just isn’t a good set-up for a relationship. He’s too damaged.

I can’t stomach the entire thing. But the rule applies. If you have to ask you will end up with a restraining order.

* Suggesting going on a walk at night with a co-worker does not sound creepy to me.

* The first kiss behavior and question about leading to sex does not sound rapey to me at all. If anything, it sounds like he’s scared.

* The request to keep the relationship private sounds like someone afraid of losing his job or hope of promotion. It doesn’t sound rapey to me, but it does sound like a conversation that would best be upgraded to a better more adult conversation about expectations and boundaries. While you are correct that there is a common pattern of an abuser asking for secrecy, that’s in the context of abuse, not work discretion. It’s not rapey, but it is a weird boundary/power dynamic that could be a problem and lead to upsets because it doesn’t make sense to ask for discretion unconditionally. If he gives her cause to make a public complaint, she shouldn’t feel bound by such an agreement. That just calls for a better conversation about it. If anything, the situation could give her some security if he’s really worried about his job, because that will be something she could talk about. Getting involved with people from work can be problematic, but if anything it’s a reason for them to behave better rather than worse.

* Talking about the whether there is an expectation of kissing leading to sex does not sound rapey to me at all. It may be clumsy and weird, but asking questions about expectations seems to me again in the opposite direction from being rapey. But I didn’t hear how he was talking about it, and later you describe it as “insisting” kissing would lead to sex – if that is an accurate characterization, then maybe. Rapey is doing things without conversation or consent.

* Now, the part about him going back and forth between coming over just for a film, or not, but don’t cheat on him (!), kissing but being worried about sex, then the next day maybe moving in together (!) but no sex before marriage (!!) sounds… not rapey but very ungrounded. That part makes me think he’s extremely confused and has a very shaky way of being about relationships. Making the other person wrong for things and pretending not to have her number are signs of bad relationship skills but not rapey-ness. I don’t expect him to rape anyone but I think he needs some counseling on healthy relationships.

* Eavesdropping and looking at her is signs of attraction, interest, attachment and maybe fixation, but is not the same thing as stalking, and does not imply rapeyness to me.

* I don’t know the context of Jess’ mom’s conversations, but so far I haven’t heard anything that sounds specifically rapey. He does sound like a problem to be in a relationship with until he learns to be better about it.

Yes, he sounds confused to me too, not dangerous but not in a good place in his life to be in a relationship.

Thank you for all your feed back! I agree, he does seem to have a lot of baggage! They both have baggage. His is the worst. My friends, and I have told her to get away !! When they talked again 3 months later, they hung out again a few times at his place for the first time in a while, and the second time they hung out in a while, they hooked up. And then they had some issues last February-October. And like some guys will do, he asked her for money. She told us $200, but I believe it was more… She was lashing out at him a lot, trying to get her money back, and he made an agreement to give her a small amount of $15 every 1st of the month, and he was also mad at her for telling people at work about what had happened.
Now they are dating again! :(

She posted it all over this web site a while back.
This is the only way I know to break through to her, posting her situation again, and showing her how many people agree with me. She deleted her account, because she didn’t want to see the truth, so I know if I show her how many people agree, and are trying to help her, and if she knows the risks she’s taking, it will break through to her !! Although, you know that saying, you can take a horse to the water, but you can’t make them drink it. We learn from our own mistakes.

We told her that’s exactly what the hard way is, he keeps taking, and taking, and taking, and taking, and taking, and taking, and she gets pregnant (plus there’s a whole lot more that could happen too.
She even had a dream in December of some guys voice in a pitch black room saying, “You really wanna know!? He’ll just keep taking, and taking, and taking and taking.
As you all know there are good people out there, and then there’s the people who just want to use you, and take from you.

@KNOWITALL – Yes! I agree. My friends and I all told her we think that COULD happen (where he gets her pregnant), and that would be ne a bad situation… A friend of mine, Alicia, is a single mom, and has an ex husband who was abusive to her, and is now married with another son. Alicia’s ex husband doesn’t pay any child support or see their kid. Alicia worked with Jess at her job before the grocery store, at Kholes.
Ryan and Alicia had a glass of wine with Jess over the summer, and Ryan said, “I swear Jess, if you ever go back to him… That’s when I won’t know what to do. I’d probabaly just slam the door on you and say, “Is it really going to take until your knocked up!?”
... And Alicia told Jess over the summer, “Probably will happen. Just look at my situation for example.” – When Alicia said. “Probably will happen,” those words slipped right out. And she said it because she noticed Jess still doesn’t know what she wants to do as a living, and is still working Part-Time, and as you said, we all noticed she had a lot of maturing to do.
We told Jess we can see that happening in the future because her and Bobby both have a lot of maturing to do, so we think that would wake them up a bit. And Jess even knows it! Which is unbelievable. I guess most people know what they are doing is wrong, but still do it anyways because they don’t believe how bad the situation actually is, until their in them.

Also, she told us there’s been a few times at the beginning they didn’t use protection, but now they use a condom.
@KNOWITALL – She told us, she doesn’t think what she is doing is wrong, since she’s using a condom. Also, since her parents always shelter her, and are over pretective, and very conservative, and since she gets lucky, and her parents always find out about her mistakes, and bad decigions before they get worse, she told me because of that, she doesn’t believe it would get that worse where she becomes pregnant or anything. She has told me, “Yeah, but we use a condom, and it’s not going to get that worse!”

In everyone’s opinion. Do you think she could get pregnant? Or would that be too extreme. Also, what are some other scenarios you see, to how this COULD end?

Opinions please… So I can show her.

I remember this story now – about the guy who was taking money – and we told her what we thought then. I think all the telling in the world won’t make a difference; she’s going to have to do what she’s going to do.

It sounds like the relationship has progressed to another stage, and like he’s pretty manipulative. I think they could both be a lot happier together or apart if they’d get some good counseling and/or relationship training.

As for: “Do you think she could get pregnant? Or would that be too extreme.” . . . Every time fertile people have sex, there’s the chance of pregnancy, even with multiple birth control methods in use. So of course it’s possible, and never “too extreme”.

Anything can happen.

I think the most important and useful advice is to work on one’s own relationship issues with people who are really knowledgeable and can offer skills and counsel and outside impartial perspectives.

Can condoms have sperm leaking out of them? Also – Since I beleive it’s some sort of a sign that me, our other friends, and her mom have talked about the subject of rape
(and since that’s a “what if”).
I would like to know some things because I still think it’s possible that he could do that, since he’s manipulative, and since you never know what someone will do in the moment, and since attraction can only go so far; I would like to know:
How can a situation where someone wanted money connect to a rapy situation?
I seem to think it’s still a possibility one day for my own reasons.

The more you guys and her parents try to stop her, the less likely she will stop, maybe try a makeover and girls night out to flirt! Her guy sounds slimy so hurry. And birth control plus condoms please!

Rapy really isn’t a word. Just sayin’

If I were her friend, I would try to encourage her to go on birth control and then butt out.

Yes, condoms can fail in various ways. They don’t just always leak, but they can be damaged or defective, get damaged, fall off, slip, or get forgotten.

You, your friends and mom sound like you have some conversations about rape all right, and it seems unfortunate to me that you have so many situations listed above that you think might be rape indications, but I really don’t think they are, at least at the level of logic. Maybe you have other things that are having you all think about that.

Of course it’s theoretically possible for anything to happen. For all I know, he could get really mad at the latest Star Wars film and go on a killing spree wielding a swan gourd from his produce section. There’s no controlling what people will or won’t do. Sometimes the nicest-seeming guys are capable of terrible things. But that would be true of anyone.

What does seem like a plausible warning is if they don’t both get some good counseling and relationship skills, their future romantic relationships, no matter whom they are with, will probably continue to repeat their past patterns. That’s usually true for most people.

Yes. He is VERY (slimy) consistent! And he’s flaky too. Because he’s so busy with his son, and his working overnight.
I think she needs to be careful.
Being constant is also what a predator MAY do.
And not to mention, when he said, “I’m boss, and I would like for this relationship to stay between us.” To me rape is about power and control. And when he said, “I’m boss,” that’s a sign of power and control.
Yes, it’s not likely to happen, but I still think it was coincidence her mom brought the subject up. After we noticed he seems manipulative. And usually those situations are very complicated.

The story you gave could be totally creepy or totally innocent. It might be that he is just socially awkward. It think the red flag I saw that would have been something that would have turned me off was the idea of not telling anyone they were seeing each other. Granted, work place romances are often frowned upon for legal and human reasons, but at some point he’s gotta shit or get off the pot. Either he likes her enough to let the whole world see, or he doesn’t. This in-between stuff is what will kill a relationship. If a guy is in a position of authority he needs to understand that. Avoiding work place romance should be top on his list if he wants to keep his job and move up farther. If he doesn’t care about the job, then getting a workplace romance going would be okay, but he should be willing to move to a different job as it might become required by the company.
Tell Jess that if a guy really is right for her and wants to be with her, that guy should be open about it to one and all….not play a bunch of games. And tell Jess (who I assume was Anonymous05) that seawulf575 said hi.

I’m glade everyone agrees with me. Just want to hear your guys thoughts.
Why do you see that happening (her getting pregnant from him)?

@Anonymousgirl88 Because he’s already had a child, so he knows how this works. He should make sure she’s on birth control before ever encouraging risky behavior.

That doesn’t answer the question quite clearly. Him having a child, doesn’t mean he’s going to repeat having a child.

@Anonymous Just means he may have good swimmers ha! He should know better than to not be 200% more careful. Otherwise he didnt learn well the first time.

True. I guess since there both not being responsible, that’s why people see it. But him and his ex planned it, that’s why he had good swimmers Lol.

@Anonymous They planned it that young and not married?

Yes. She must have been the one asking, since she also has another kid with another guy too.

So now i’m curious why everyone see’s that. Because it’s not like he’s going to plan it with my friend.

Thank you for all the feedback, I think i’m finally breaking through to Jess! @KNOWITALL – He planned the kid with his ex, and they use condoms, and he says he doesn’t want another kid anytime soon because he can’t support another one. And she said she’s known a few people who have been dating for years
(and didn’t have good relationships either)
and they used condoms, and she said they never got pregnant, unless they planned it. Even though a of mine told her a week ago that accidents do happen, and that some guys don’t care, they will knock a girl up and leave. So she wants to know why everyone sees that as an outcome, since it worked for a lot of other people she knew.

So new update- Jess wanted me to post this because she’s REALLY stuck now- Basically, he started getting more controlling, yelling, telling her to answer phone calls right away when he calls. It started out like,
“Jess. Why do you not answer the phone when I call, then call back like a minute later?”
As @KNOWITALL stated a while ago- he knew people who have each had toxic people in their lives, who that turned into abusive and controlling relationships.
(He doesn’t tell her which family members and friends to hang around yet).
But her and the guy signed for an apartment in February, she made the mistake of signing the lease
(now it’s a trap and she’s stuck with him on the lease for a whole year).
At first, he was being weird, he gave her keys, borrowed her lab top for work, but one day she asked if she could use it when he was out for the weekend for a work conference
(since she had the keys).
He became controlling and said,
“No! No one is aloud to go there when i’m not there,”
a couple of her close co workers told her,
“That’s weird. I would look into that and trust your gut. You don’t wanna be in a situation where your stuck. I would get out, before it actually happens. Seriously, I had an ex who started stalking me and breaking into my stuff,” she thought it was a coincidence both her co workers said the same thing.
A couple days later, she found out that his friend signed the lease too, but she was informed it was only for extra income, so that they could even get approved for the apartment. The other girl and him did like each other in the past, but she talked to other girl and it was confirmed that she was just a friend. But now basically, her parents don’t like him because of his money problems and they don’t approve of the fact that she signed the lease, since it’s a year long contract, they are the type of parents who don’t approve of living together before marriage. Plus even though the other girl is just a friend, they still don’t approve of the fact that he had to use his friends credit to help them. As I said before, her track record with men isn’t good at all, her mom knows that and her mom goes,
“Three strikes and your out.”
Basically, ALL our friends still think she’s gonna be the “next” baby mama, if she continues and we all are worried because we see him doing something to her
(I know I mentioned the dark topic before)
and we all don’t want anything bad to happen to her.
One of my friends told her a month ago,
“I really don’t want anything bad to happen to you Jess and if something ever does, don’t hesitate to tell. You have a great support system. I’m just saying, don’t be stupid, it may come around to bite you in the ass and you won’t be able to take anything back. And I know your mom is down your throat, but she is the last person who wants to see anything bad happen to you. We all tell you things for a lot of reasons and we know your doing what you want, but take it from people who have been through really bad sh** to help you out,”
even the girl on the lease seems so nice, letting her know she is putting herself in danger, if she chooses to connect with him and how it’s more she is enabling him.
She asked him two weeks ago, if they were still talking and he said,
“Not right now,”
then last week they got into an argument, he said,
“Let me get my stuff together. I need space. You need space. That is what we agreed on,”
she asked how long, he replied saying long as it takes, then she asked for what and he said,
“Space Jess.”
And she has a new job, two of her co workers she’s close with at her new job asked her how her situation is, she explained complicated, they BOTH said,
“Well it’s gonna be your decision, but I would get out now while you can. You never wanna put yourself in a situation where your stuck.”

Input? What COULD possibly be the next “stuck-like-stituation”
she very well might get into??
And do you believe he’s gonna end up contacting her again soon or that they will talk again soon somehow?? I just wanna hear everyones inputs.

You just posted this as a separate question. Stop it.