When it comes to romantic relationships, I am forever on the fence. What is the underlying reason, and what are some exercises that could help me become more definitive?

You are free to do what you want while you are single. When you want to have children then you are responsible for another life for 18 years or more and your life revolves on taking care of your children. The old fashioned way was for marriage to be for raising children. Now it is to have a life partner legally and to be next of kin in hospitals and estate planning and to be a sign of love and commitment.

If I were in your situation I would want a partner who realized the complexity that I have to try to convince me, to relentlessly try to find a way to earn my trust so that my distrust will eventually melt away but I know such a thing is most likely a wishful thinking as many mature individuals out there will simply go away if they don’t wish to make any efforts to soothe my distrust or if they think there are many people out there that are more suitable for them.

I have only one advise for this situation. Love does not follow logic. Let yourself wide open, do not be afraid of getting hurt in relationship due to differences as that is basically a process to achieve a mutually understanding relationship. Accept your partner for who they are, do not hold them on to your standard. Failure in relationship is relative but you will not regret any failure if you have done your best in the relationship. Forgive me if this feels like a lecture to you.

Don’t be ashamed to be have a heart-to-heart conversation with your chosen partner for any concern that exist in your relationship. In fact, you should do it, considering the situation.

Quit worrying about it! Assume that you may never meet that special someone and just get on with your life as a single person!

Just from reading what you’ve written here (we can all appreciate the limitations of a couple paragraphs to convey the complexities of relationships)

I’d ask if you’re settling initially for someone to keep you warm rather than waiting for (or seeking) someone you’d be willing to fight for? Have you dated someone you’d consider your better half?

The “one foot out the door” and scrutiny leads me to believe you don’t think they’re quite right, even initially. No one is perfect, but there are mistakes we empathize easily with, and those we cannot. That’s part of what makes you who you are.

Be scrutinizing before the relationship rather than during.

If there’s an exercise beyond that, it’s probably to be extra kind to those you’ve decided to be with, once that decision is made. Friends, family, and significant others are all still people who need kindness and will usually return the favor. We could all use the practice.

I recommend the book How To Be An Adult In Relationships . It offers useful perspectives and exercises on these and other useful topics. The exercises help you learn about your own individual organization/orientation towards relationships, and how to develop yourself and your skills to have more functional relationships, how to develop your understanding of what your needs and wants are, evaluate relationships and partners, detect issues, etc.

Iwould suggest a short course (or long) of therapy to identify why you are putting up walls and whether you want to change that.

Also, you might want to look at he books of Harville Hendricks about the imago theory of relationships; Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find. There’s also a workbook associated with it.

Huh?