I just found out my dad had an affair, how do I cope?

It is between your mom and dad. Let it go.

Tough one. This is where you get to be the adult in the situation. I can understand why you mom stayed with him. She loved him. If my wife had an affair on me, I would still want her as my wife, provided she actually was sorry for the affair. People do make mistakes, even ones like this. I could forgive her, though to be honest, it would be a while before that nagging doubt went away. As for your dad being the one you looked up to, good. What was it about him that you looked up to? What were the characteristics that you found appealing? I would suggest you think about that first. Then, if you still have a hard spot with him, it is time to talk to him. Tell him how you feel. However, you might want to make sure you don’t throw your mom under the bus in the process. How did you find out? Your mom told you. Don’t make it sound like she was bitter and vindictive.

Everything that @seawulf575 said. Really.
Why your mom stayed is exclusively her business, their marriage is/was much more complex than the part you were privy too. It’s hard to get past something like this, I understand that, but these are fallible humans. They do stuff. You do stuff. Your children may, at some point have reason to be disappointed in you, recognize that it’s OK to make mistakes, and to forgive people who make mistakes.

Everyone here has given great advice. I’d like to add my two cents because I’ve been in your shoes. I understand and I’m sorry you have to live with this revelation.

My mother told me about my father’s affairs when I was in my early 30s. I’m 47 now. My mother stayed with my father until her death which was two weeks after their 45th wedding anniversary. This was 5 years ago. My mother stayed for her own reasons but it wasn’t easy for her. I never once looked down on her for staying with my dad. She loved him.

I also never once looked down on my father. I was disappointed but it didn’t take away from him being an amazing father. He still is an amazing father and he is my hero. My father has told me how much he regrets hurting my mom. He just brought it up the other day. He has to live with this.

I have been married for 26 years and it hasn’t been easy but my husband and I love each other. We forgive each other for the stupid things we’ve done. No one is perfect and most people regret hurting the one they love. I think everyone deserves a second chance or two if they truly are sorry for what they did.

Learning from our own mistakes and learning how to forgive others are very important life lessons.

My mom got lucky. My dad cheated on her with a dude. But my mom also cheated on my dad with a dude because sometimes shit just isn’t working and you stay together for the kids. If this is tough for you a divorce probably would have landed you in a decade of therapy.

I found a map that shows all the cheating going on at this very second

This happens. They have their reasons and it is really none of your business. Statistically speaking you will be cheated on. I guess it is better you work on this now before it actually happens to you. The odds are good it will. It happens to everyone.

Look, sometimes what happens between adults is very complicated. Sometimes people get married and change. Sometimes you love someone you shouldn’t. I would never judge, at least without hearing both sides. I bet your mom screwed up at least once, too, at some point. My advice is to remember it was a long time ago, and between them, so let it go.

Your mother is the person who’s making you angry and upset. She had no right to tell you about this long-ago incident, and what did her words achieve? She violated the trust between you and herself; she damaged your relationship with your father; she even broke the sanctity of her former marriage. For what reason?

As for your father, he’s done nothing to hurt you. A marriage is a very private place; outsiders can never really know why partners might stay or stray. Please don’t feel betrayed by your father, because this little bit of gossip has nothing to do with you.

Your question tore the heart out of my body. When I was growing up, my mother made me listen to all her complaints about my dad. I was no more than age 8, then 10, then 12… She used me as her confidante and tried to make me her ally. That sort of behavior is despicable when a young child’s involved, but no less duplicitous simply because you’re an adult.

Your Dad is human. Your Mom forgave him.
Let it go. Move on.

@Sunshinegirl11 I’d feel bad too that your mom, for whatever reason, thought she needed to tell you. I don’t think I’d be so hard on your dad. You had him on a pedestal for whatever reasons you had growing up. This had happened. You just didn’t know it. I don’t believe your mother had any good intention when she told you. Remember the good things your dad did which made him someone to look up to.

@Sunshinegirl11 I remember after the divorce of my parents, mother, apparently had an affair with a still-married man. How did i know? That man’s wife called me many times to tell me about it. That stuff was NOT my business. I was married at the time but that was so inappropriate. And you can imagine my discomfort.

As much as I wished my mother didn’t tell me about my father’s infidelity, I know my mother didn’t do it out of spite for my father. She was hurting and had no one to talk to. Was it the right thing for her to do? Probably not, but again we all make mistakes, especially when we are hurting.

I wouldn’t be so hard on mom unless you know for a fact her intentions are no good.

A high proportion of men and women have affairs in a marriage, it is sadly just a fact of life. Saying all men will have affairs because of your father is setting yourself up for a life of disconnect and discontent. My father had a few affairs and I knew when I was a teen. Apparently, he had a child with another woman just to make it worse. I never questioned my mother’s decision to stay with him.

However, he stayed by my mother’s side and being faithful at the end despite the fact that she was brain damaged from an operation due to a brain aneurysm. He even had to change her nappies. In the end, they died married, caring for each other and having been married some 60 years.
Your mother and fathers mistakes etc., are no reflection on you, instead, they teach you about what you do want in your life and what you don’t want to entertain. It’s all simply a part of growing up.

To be frank I don’t really see how it’s any concern of yours. Especially if, as it sounds, it happened before they were even married.

At any rate, he did you no wrong and is still the same man you grew up with.

I understand why you’re upset.

Marriage is between the two people, and if your mom forgave him that was her choice, as people said above. The world is not black and white. Our realization of how grey it is grows as we grow older. Things happen that we never expected.

Breaking a marriage is very difficult. Your mom probably loves him, she believed he wouldn’t do it again, and she wanted to stay, she wanted to keep her life as is, hopefully with the marriage working its way to being better again. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you have not been married for many years sometimes that way of thinking can be hard to understand.

People are imperfect. When we accept that, we make life easier for ourselves.

I’m not saying everyone cheats, and it’s ok to cheat, absolutely not. But, it does happen, and you are definitely not alone, and your mom is not alone.

A little psychobabble now: my one piece of advice for the future is don’t cheat to see how it can be done while still loving your spouse. I know that might sound out of left field, but sometimes people do things to understand the parent they are upset with to be able to forgive them. It sometimes happens years later without realizing what’s going on. Also, don’t feel like you have to stay with a cheater to understand your mom.

I’m sorry that you are reacting to this in such absolutes. Your father and your mother are just people. People have flaws, even you. Should your mother have told you? Probably not. But she did. Does that mean you should feel betrayed or love her less? No.

As for your father, your feelings about him should have to do with the father you knew, that kind of father he was to you, not his failures as a man or husband.

As for your own feelings about marriage and relationships, take a chill pill. Just because your father cheated, does not mean a potential mate will cheat on you. Relationships take work and communication. Make sure that you talk about fidelity and its importance to you, make sure that the two of you spend the time to communicate about your feelings.

From This Article “The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely if ever a rational choice; instead, infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and one’s emotions. In fact, most people are surprised by their own behavior at the start of an affair ” As everyone above has said, people make mistakes. Your mom just did telling you. So, perhaps you could cut your father a little slack. I am not saying ignore it or that you do not have a valid reason to feel betrayed but your mother forgave him, in time maybe you can too.

The same article mentions that at this time 30 – 60% of all married individuals cheat but if you view it from the opposite perspective, 40 – 70% do not. So please, keep this in mind and don’t lump all males into the same category.

Would it help you to get into a discussion with your mother about why she told you? That might help you resolve your feelings. I told my son something about a trauma from my childhood when he was in his twenties because I thought it might help him to have some family history. Now I’m not sure I should have.

Just like so many other unfortunate events in life that you wish you could forget but can’t: Give it time, at least 6 months. It’ll feel better then.

Is @Sunshinegirl11 even around any more? Neptune says he can’t find her.

I guess it took less time than I thought…

@rojo That’s a shame. I hope she finds some peace with this.

Take it with a grain of salt.

I found out that my biological father had a affair when he announced to me the boy that used to live next door, who was the only nice member of that family, was actually a son of his.

My father had recently be informed of it by the son in question who, upon reaching adulthood, began to question his lineage by observing how dissimilar (especially in temper) he was to his father and how he resembles mine.

That really cracked me up. I laughed out loud at the news when he told me.
And my new ‘half-brother’ is a really swell guy so I had no further thoughts about it.

Reflecting upon this, I came to the conclusion that this was not mean to my mother because, you know, they were both a product of their time and she had a few experiments of her own (twice divorced amongst them, like my adopted father).

It is a self-defeating trap to set up super-human standards for another human being, parent or not. And the subject of adoration is not always responsible for us falling into that trap.

You can forgive yourself for self-fooling you into believing your father was the best man in the world. It’s human to do so especially for little girls that love their daddy so much.

If it happens once, let it go and both learn and grow closer as a result…but if it happens again or continues..let him go.
Some people need a lot of attention ( variety) while others are content in one relationship..look for one that fits your ideal.

You still have a lot to learn about life!!! I agree that your Mom should have NEVER shared that news with you; but she did. She told you your Dad cheated once & didn’t say he had cheated since. I believe that anyone can make ONE MISTAKE.It sounds as though he LEARNED from his mistake. Since your Mom found it in her heart to forgive him, I suggest that you do the same & chalk it up as a one time error in judgment. Just because your dad cheated, it won’t mean that every man you meet is going to cheat on you. Of course, IF you expect them to cheat, you may be setting yourself up to being cheated on. Insist on having the best & then dump the ones that you consider the worst!!!