Identity Issue with Given Name?

I know someone in her 30’s who was named Barbara at birth and hated that because it felt like too much of an “old people name.” She had her first name legally changed.

How come you feel you need to change your last name too? That I imagine is more legal hoops to jump through than just first name, and seems more likely to potentially offend your family since your last name is, in some ways, your “tie” to them. If you’re an unmarried woman you might end up changing it again when you get married, too.

It certainly seems like a tough process. Good luck to you.

It’s mostly paperwork. My daughter this. Of course, the actual rules depend on the county and state where you live. In Georgia, here’s what the process was:

1) get the proper forms at the County Courthouse. Among them: Old name, new name. Effective date. And something that says you are not doing this with intent to defraud anybody.

2) File the paperwork – where I live the court charge was $180 or so.

3) You have to pay for advertising the name change in the local legal newspaper (in case there are objections)

4) You appear in court before a judge, saying that you really want to do this and it is not for fraudulent or illegal reasons.

You walk out with a signed certificate.

Beginning to end, about 4–5 weeks.

Total cost, probably $400.

As for explaining it to people – that’s a whole different thing.

@Mariah @elbanditoroso
My last name is especially awful. It is boring, spelled wrong, I don’t like the association people make when they see me and then see my last name, it doesn’t represent my ethnic background, and it’s completely forgettable. I’ve been with my partner for 11 years now and we don’t really believe in marriage so I’m not sure I would be taking his name anyway (which isn’t much better). Since I’m female and I have a brother who will carry on the name I don’t think they will be offended, I just don’t think they will understand.

That is more expensive than I thought it would be. I’ll have to look up the process in my state before decided I suppose.

I understand wanting to change your name. I don’t like mine either. I think it would be totally understandable to the people that know you if you change to your nick name since they call you that anyway. I think the hard part would be to change your last name. If it’s just boring and not synonymous with say a serial killer, think Bundy or Manson, I would just leave it.

You don’t have to explain. On the other hand, you may not have to go through a legal process either. My understanding is that you can call yourself anything you want as long as it isn’t for fraudulent purposes.

I know several people who have changed their names. One simply took a professional name and then began using it everywhere. Old friends continued to call her by her given name for a while, but they got over it.

Another ditched her four-syllable Germanic last name for a one-syllable common English surname and started a business using that name. Even people who know her real name find it much easier to refer to her by her adopted name. I doubt that she ever went through a legal process for it.

One woman sent out little announcement cards, as if for a birth, stating that henceforth A— B— would be known as X— Y—.

Another changed genders and adopted a sex-appropriate variant of her old name. When you saw her, it was pretty easy to remember not to call her Alfred.

Some people go by a middle name. “Mitt,” for instance.

And one picks a new variant of her given name—one of those women’s names that have lots of different nicknames—every time she loses weight or goes in for some sort of new lifestyle. Her nicknames are sort of like geological strata in her life.

I know one or two people—doesn’t everyone?—whose family (or just their mothers) call them what they always have, but everyone else calls them by another name. Just introduce yourself as the name you want to be called by, and don’t be bothered about what your family remembers.

I was about to say what @Jeruba said (but without her fascinating details, however).

John Wayne and Marilyn Monroe were never actually named that. In fact, most Hollywood stars of the time were not named what we knew them by “back in the day”. A great many authors were never named by their parents with the names that we’ve come to know them by. Next to no one on the Internet is known by a real name.

As long as your intent is not to defraud (or deceive, I think is another stipulation), you can just use any name – that doesn’t already belong to someone known to you, anyway. It might not get you onto airplanes (in this modern era when photo IDs are required for so much), but you weren’t planning to introduce yourself to the security personnel with your chosen name, were you?

if I were going to change my name (and I did), I would do it legally. With all the security stuff going on, I would want the name I go by and the name on my legal papers to be the same unless it were just something like using a nickname version of your real name. I once had trouble renewing a driver’s license because some of my IDs had J____ B. ____ and some had J___R ____

Twenty four years ago I changed my surname by deed poll. I never considered changing my first or middle names because I’d always liked them, but a few years following my divorce I decided I wanted a new surname. Going back to my maiden name was one option of course. The other was to change my last name. At that point in my life, going back to my maiden name felt like a step’ backwards’, not that there had ever been a shred of an issue with my family, it was simply a personal feeling. And there was no animosity between my daughter’s father and I either, so changing my name was not motivated by that. I chose a name I had always liked and may have named a son, had I ever had one. These days I would be quite happy to adopt my maiden name again, it was just at that point in my life that I needed a change. My only regret is that my daughter and I had different surnames from that time on.
The actual legal process was a case of filling in forms, presenting my original birth certificate and marriage license to explain how I got from my maiden name to my married name. The biggest hassle was contacting companies etc that had me registered under my previous name, utility companies, the library, doctor, the bank, and numerous other places.

I agree. My name change was back to what I call my birth last name and I did it at the time of my divorce. It was a hassle getting everything else changed but ultimately worth the doing.

Do what gives you some comfort. If people don’t like your new name then that is their problem.

I think that I know how you feel. I always disliked my name. I asked my Mom why she named me “Lon” but she couldn’t remember. I always thought, “Why not Don, Jon, Ron or Shon?”. My older Sister has always called me ”Lonnieboy” even today and I’m an old man.

Good luck!

You don’t have to tell anyone that you legally changed your name. They will call you what they are used to calling you. Just introduce yourself with your new name.

I have a last name that is spelled wrong (in Europe it was spelled correctly—someone down the line got it misspelled) and would love to legally have it changed to the original version. But people would wonder why it mattered.

“But people would wonder why it mattered.” But it obviously matters to you @Yellowdog, why worry about what other people think.

My grandmother changed her first name. I think her mom didn’t like it, and called her by another? Or, maybe my grandmother didn’t like it, and had everyone call her by another. She eventually changed it legally. I just remember my grandmother being happy she wasn’t stuck with the original name given to her.

More people than you think change their names. Changing a first name is usually fairly easy.

How old are you? If you’re very young you might want to wait and be sure it’s what you want to do. Although, if everyone calls you by the name you want to change to, then basically you have changed your name in practice.

I think if you get married and you both don’t like your surnames, you can make up a new one for the marriage. Don’t say you’ll never get married. If you’re in the US it’s very practical to get married (eventually) for all of the legal benefits. You might wait to you’re older, fine, but never say never.

Yes, I know people who have changed their name both officially and unofficially.

One approach that can work well is trying going by a new name for a while before (or possibly instead of) legally changing it. Only official stuff needs your legal name, and changing that requires a bunch of paperwork. You might also officially add new names without removing the old ones, so you don’t need to do so much changing of things.

I changed my first name, about 40 years ago. All I had to do was go to Probate Court and submit a one-page form. I had to state my before-and-after names and swear that the change wasn’t for reasons of fraud. Within a few weeks, I received written confirmation.

You don’t need to explain yourself. A name is so fundamental to anyone’s identity and existence; nobody should have to live with something that makes the person wince and cringe. Plenty of people will think you’re being silly, lecture you about how a name is just a name, and somehow be offended about what you’re doing; ignore such words, just as you would with any unsolicited, unhelpful advice.

@TheGirlInterrupted I know a woman who changed both her first and last names, just as you might do.

She was getting divorced and had to complete the routine paperwork for reverting to her maiden name. She noticed that she could put anything on the “after” line; the change was open and flexible. She thought about how she’d always disliked her first name, and how her maiden name also wasn’t very appealing. So, she chose a new combination that she loves, wiped the slate clean, and is very happy with her choice.

This sort of thing does happen. You only live once; why not be fully comfortable with your own name, something that you write, say, and hear countless times every day?

Good advice above but I wouldn’t follow @Zaku ‘s about having legal documents that have the new name while leaving the old ones extant. That is a recipe for nightmares in this America.

In terms of telling family and other folk, you just have to have a tough skin and realize there may be reactions. Eventually they’ll come round.

Well, I’ve changed my last name twice. It certainly didn’t cost $400 or I wouldn’t have done it. Maybe a $20 filing fee at the most. It’s a pain in the butt.

I’m in my early 30’s. My partner doesn’t like his last name either and we have talked about getting married and choosing the name of his Italian family on his mom’s side – he said he would totally do that however he’s the only son and his dad would not like it to be changed. :(

I’ve been going by my nickname from high school for 15 + years and it just isn’t enough. People always ask my last name even though I’ve gone through great lengths to cover it. I don’t want it on my drivers license and I don’t want my employers knowing me as this name.

I just want to shed that person and be and feel like myself and have a name that represents that.

@TheGirlInterrupted Do it. Just find out the procedure in your state. As I said, I changed my last name after a divorce back to my “real” name and I’ve been very happy about it. I also shortened a first name I didn’t like to a nickname I do and now just introduce myself by that name, although I didn’t change my first name legally.

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So, you want to change your first and last name? I think I might be confused. I don’t understand what you mean that people ask your last name. Of course you will be asked your last name in many situations.

Many people are called by a different name than their given name, but it’s less complicated if you officially change it.

Just do it. Call up the county clerk and ask how you do it.

If you regret it later you can change it back.

Don’t let this tie you in knots. Free yourself.

Glad this is in social.

Rick and his best friend reconnected a few years ago. Rick had talked of Orlan often over the years. The first time we met his wife she kept talking about someone named “Dean.” After we left I was like, “Who is that Dean person she kept bringing up?” Rick had no idea!

Turns out his friend’s name is Orlan Dean.

@JLeslie Yes, I want to change both.

I was trying to say why just having people call me by what I say isn’t enough for me. I want it in stone not up in the air. The fact that people WILL ask me my real full name is why I want it to be changed.

I wouldn’t say I’m tied up in knots ;) But it’s encouraging to read everyone’s comments on the matter… I don’t feel so weird after all!

One more name story. I knew a guy who went by Jim. One day in our group, a discussion of names came up, and he told us that his parents had actually named him Jerry. After a bit, they decided he didn’t really look like a Jerry, and they started calling him Jim.

When his younger brother was born, they named him Jerry too, and that time it took.

This story brought such a burst of questions to my mind that I was practically tongue-tied, and all I managed to say was, “You and your brother have the same name?”

Parents are weird.

I hope you understand that your family, and people you’ve known for years, might have a difficult time with it. I hope they’ll try, for your sake, and if they do try I hope you’re patient.

Rick and I never could get used to calling Orland “Dean” (although he never asked us to,) and I don’t think his wife could have called him anything but “Dean.”

@Dutchess_III I am absolutely fine with my parents and siblings still calling me my given first name. I don’t expect people who have known me for years (or my whole life!) to suddenly stop.

I had a friend switch gender and also wanted to be called the pronoun “they” instead of he or she and that was difficult for me. So I am totally willing to be patient and understanding. But I’ve got to get rid of this last name! :D

One of my sisters changed her first name when she was in her 40s. She’s nearly 60 now. It took me many years to get used to it. She didn’t expect her family to appease her at first but we all did our best to honor her. She was named after a dead relative and she felt it had a negative vibe.

Another sister and her wife changed their last name to a new name they chose when they were married a few years ago.

The same thing happened with my brother-in-law and his husband, but they chose new first names as well as a new last name.

Then you have my 14 year son. We’ll be legally changing his first name in the next couple months. He’s transgender.

Do what makes you happy. I haven’t heard of any issues or troubles from those who changed their name. The only issue our family is having is time to get this done. We will be moving out of state this summer to Michigan. Michigan requires you to be a resident for a year before you can change your name. It’s important for us to get his name changed before then.

The filing fee for a name change in Illinois is $294 @Dutchess_III. It varys by state.

@Jeruba That is a weird story. My exboyfriend has an uncle named Guillermo, and he named all three of his sons Guillermo. One went by Willy, one Billy, I don’t remember the third, I didn’t know him well, but I think it was Memo. I only knew Willy and Billy. That was purposeful though, your story is weird in a different way. Your story is more interesting, and like you said creates questions in my head.

@all This same ex was called by his middle name by most of his family most of the time. His first name was spelled incorrectly on his birth certificate, they wrote Thonn rather than John. We never figured out how that happened, except to say his mom didn’t speak much English at the time. In school he was John. I called him both names interchangeably. I don’t think his mom was fond of him using John when he first started doing it. I’m not sure what grade he started.

My husband is the second born son, but he is named after his dad. That struck me as odd, but interestingly my husband resembles his father a lot, and his brother not so much. My husband’s brother started using another name when he moved to America in his late 30’s minor change, just one letter, and we feel he did it to try to conceal he’s Mexican. Their mom actually wanted to name her first son after her husband, but he didn’t want it, he didn’t want his son to have such a Jewish name. Their last name is very Jewish, so that seemed rather futile to me.

I found out two of my great uncles used different first names in America. My grandfather used his middle name here. In fact, I’d have to look back at the Ellis Island ship manifest, because maybe he didn’t even have that middle name before getting here? I don’t remember.

Last story, my FIL’s name was spelled incorrectly on his birth certificate. Born in Mexico, the girl who recorded his name spelled it phonetically in Spanish, rather than the proper spelling for his family. He is the only child out of 8 that it was spelled incorrectly. All of his ID’s were spelled according to his birth certificate. When he got married he told the government official that his ID was incorrect, and the guy went ahead and spelled it correctly on the marriage certificate. So, my MIL had the correct family name, and so did all of their children. Finally, 60 some years after his birth, I filled in the paperwork for him to change his name in America, so in America his legal documents now have the correct spelling, which matches his parents, siblings, wife, and children. It’s just a spelling thing, not really a name change, but it’s surprising to me he never bothered to fix it before then.

When Rick asked me to marry him, I was quite concerned about changing my last name away from the kid’s last name. My son came to the rescue, as always.
“I’m just worried about changing my name, Chris.”
Chris looked at me in surprise and said, “We can still call you ‘Mom,’ right?” LOL!

Identity issue is right.
Unless the name is awkward or hard to pronounce or causes problems < i advise NOT too change your given name as in time you may not like that as well. its not the name that is the problem its your feelings of boredom and thus wish to sound exciting etc
I know of a few people whom had got onto this“kick” of changing to exciting names and their still the same personality as before.Now they have serious issues with identity again!
They had gone through so much turmoil with relatives who deem them as idiots or other things. It is their choice but like I stated unless its that bad , I would say accept yourself as that is the real underlying issue. I know one woman who changed her given name from Diana to something else because she thought it boring? Now Lady Diana is a very Famous name, not to be ashamed of. Self acceptance is the real issue.