What should I do?

Time to find an assisted living place for your mom. You and your wife need a place of your own.

What does your wife think should happen?

she understands the struggle because of her my mom conditions and we have been planning to move for the past couple of months so she knows we won’t be able to move anywhere at all for a couple of months or years.

Will there be no space in your new home for mum? How sick is your poor mother? Is there a possibility of her health improving? I realize how hard it is for a young couple to have an elderly and sick person living with them but can you imagine your mother’s position if you also abandon her? How supportive is your wife? I am sure she also has parents who will become old and sick at some point so she must be understanding. You are is a tough position but do the best for your mother.

Her health has been improving, but it goes up and down. She wants to stay where she’s at because she is comfortable. So moving to another city with her is not what she want. My wife is understanding it’s just we have been working hard to save up to start a new life so it’s disappointing.

You seem like a good, responsible child to your mother. Your siblings have taken advantage of your kindness and let you handle things they don’t feel like to do on your own. Don’t let it happen like that or they’ll get used to it and this will become a continious habit in their life. Ask them to chip in for the sake of sustaining your mother, guilt them, persuade them, etc so that they can contribute some responsibility on their part.

I won’t say that this issue is about choosing between your life advancement VS taking care of your mother. It’s about whether or not you can live your life perfectly fine with the idea that your mother is living somewhere lonely and miserably and that the possibility of her death won’t affect your conscience.

Right now, I am living with my mom and her boyfriend. But he’s not stable enough to take care of her so it just worries me to leave her with just him. I feel like if she dies and I move I will feel bad because she’s all I have ever since my siblings decided to leave as well.

It is understandable how you feel. Others have felt the same way, including me. What we have found is that relationships can stay strong as long as there is open communication.

At this point, it sounds as if you need confirmation from your mother that it is okay to move away.

@Thuyle The thing is, if you keep putting off your happiness for her and she lives another 20 years, you’ll grow resentful.

And if I may ask, why isn’t her boyfriend married to her and helping support her so you can go on to lead your own new life? A couple should be able to take care of themselves, leaving you free to pursue your own dreams.

@KNOWITALL Does it matter if the mother and her boyfriend are married? A better question is why the mother needs her son’s care versus someone else’s care. She should have professional help.

@Pied_Pfeffer Based on the name, I’m assuming this family is Vietnamese, although I could be wrong, but it’s an odd circumstance based on my knowledge of the culture, family unit.

I’m trying to figure out if mom is dating an American and is being shunned by the family or community or what’s happening exactly. None of my Vietnamese friends would abandon the elderly in their family, they’d take her with them wherever they moved or other family would take her in. And the parental unit would never try to hold their kids back or even allow the kids to be held back, they are very self sacrificing people for their children’s success and happiness. Just seems odd.

Precisely what I was thinking. I figured it was cultural, not just ethical.

Uh. Not a lot of good options here. Of all of them, I think it would be ideal to convince her to migrate with you. The boyfriend is a man, and can make up his own mind on what he does from there.

Or…. Become more comfortable with where they are. If it’s a decent place.

Beware. Time does flee….....

Several thoughts are going through my mind after reading this. Sometimes, the more you take care of someone, the more they need taken care of. In other words, if you weren’t there to do everything you are doing, she would have to do it herself, and maybe find out that she can do it herself.
Can you move to a city that is within driving distance of her, say an hour or so away? That way you would be out, but still close if needed in an emergency.
Your siblings are taking advantage of you and you need to stand up to them and say that you all need to take turns with your mom. I know that is easier said than done, but they are probably thinking their mom is in good hands with you, so they don’t need to help.
Good luck.

Talk to your wife about your feelings/fears about your mother. You have joined with your wife. It is time to make her your priority. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about your mother or try to help her. It means you need to include your wife as any decision you make will also affect her.

Take care of your mom. If your wife loves you, she would understand. You should keep yourself in your mom’s place and think if this happens to you in old age, what would you expect from your children? A little care for the sake of humanity is needed at this time.