Is it "just things" that were stolen from me so I shouldn't care?

Deny the grandson entrance?
Apparently he keeps getting opportunities to do his thing.
And I think something is seriously going on with him.
He needs help, I would think.

Has, by the way, in my opinion, nothing to do with you being materialistic.
He’s a thief, he has to keep his hands to his own, no matter the life style or characteristic of the person he wants to steal from.
Just because you apparently, in his eyes, and maybe your own, have many valuables doesnt make it okay to take it from you.

Yes, @rebbel he needs help. But I cannot afford to help him professionally and I am telling the truth when I say that he was sent by his aunt to a female therapist and she told him he could not come back. He made her feel threatened. And he would not cooperate with her. Therapists are for people who want to change and he does not.
I am so embarrassed by how much I am spending on his dentistry that I won’t say the amount but it is five figures.
Of course I dont want him over here ever again but I can’t keep him from having Christmas here and Thanksgiving, possibly.

How old is he?
Is he addicted to something, or has psychological problems, or a psychiatric disorder?
It really sounds as though you can’t do this on your own (both psychologically and financially).
Heavier help seems appropriate.
Maybe intervention?

Of course you should care. It isn’t just the things he took it is the disrespect he has shown to you. It seems you are not just losing things but you are losing your grandson as well. It sounds to me to be honest that your grandson may have a serious drug problem but what you can do about it I don’t know. Personally, I would not allow him back in the house until he made amends.

@rebbel as I said he’s twenty. I am not doing anything psychologically for him and I am not sure what you mean. But , as far as the dental thing I am committed to that.
It’s too involved to go into.
Yes; he had a meth addiction and he only took things, and this will blow you away, while we were sleeping. I could readily tell the next morning of each day for one dreadful , stressful week. He was up all night long going through every room , all the drawers, my files , etc. Whenever I’d take him to his dentist he was all lovey dovey saying , ” I love you” hugging and kissing me on the cheek.

@flutherother agreed !

@Aster Sorry, I read over his age.
With psychological I meant that I was thinking that it could be a psychological drag to you; both the things gone missing (stealing), and the worry and sadness you must feel (potentially).
And yes, with financially I was referring to you spending five figures on his dentistry.

I feel sadness, great anger and resentment. Also insulted.

It’s not “just things.” It’s your things that you have worked for and accumulated over the years. No one should have the right to take your things, especially if they are being sold for drugs. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Maybe change your locks if you think he has a spare key. If he does come over for dinner, (I personally would not allow him to), do not leave him alone for a minute and don’t let him spend the night.

@chyna he is living in a dorm fifteen miles from here and we live in a gated place . He has no car. I don’t worry about him driving over!
He has not received any invitations to dinner . Those days are gone.
He did the same thing when he was fifteen but I was sure it would have ended by now. Call me stupid.

I would indeed call you stupid if your story were not all so typical. The thing that troubles me is that you allowed this to continue even as you were aware of it. THAT I do not understand.

No, you are being robbed and disrespected. Fire the staff, change the locks and never worry again. That is abusive and wrong.

Things are just things, but they are your things and mean something to you. Whomever is stealing, help or family, is disrespecting you and your home.

@KNOWITALL there was never any “staff.” lol !! These were just women from Craigslist who came once or twice.
@stanleybmanly I dont understand it either! Wanting to be in denial? Scared to death he’d deny it? Luckily, I found a very inexpensive thing he was attempting to take in his suitcase when he left briefly and I felt very guilty for looking in there. I removed it .

@Aster Oh, I see, even worse then, at least staff have accountability. Craig’s List is notorious for thieves. Can you call your local Office on Aging or go through Angie’s List, something like that?

Well can you get a safe of some kind and lock the stuff up? Or is there a spare bedroom you could lock?

You did him no favor when you let him get away with it. Too many people don’t understand this until they’re standing over a grave site. And dental work on a meth head?

Would it be an idea, @Aster, to spend money on future tooth repairs, instead on rehab, or something similar?
If that’s a possibility, of course, for you, or other relatives.

At the end of the day it is just stuff. That said, you’ve placed emotional value on it, so obviously stealing your stuff is a huge betrayal. It sounds like your grandson is an addict and is in a bad place right now. It’s possible that he may one day get the help he needs and seek to repair his relationship with you. Until then, I would offer to help him get treatment, but otherwise deny him any other contact/assistance. Let him know that you do love him, but will only see him once he’s clean and made amends for the wrongs he’s done to you.

Ultimately, they are just things and your grandson is an actual living, breathing person who is obviously very sick. I’m not saying that it’s ok your stuff was stolen or that you shouldn’t be upset about it, but to let it affect you so much that you hold a lot of anger and resentment for a young man who is ill and who you presumably love, is just not worth it, imo.

His teeth are gone. Just accept that. The dentist loves to fix but 20 teeth are ready to fail. Save for a lot of extractions and dentures.

I would bet they are beyond reasonably saving.

And you should be fucking pissed. He stole from you.

I my best friend and roommate turned to heroin. I noticed my shit going missing and changed the locks. It took a few years for us to talk again.

Don’t let the thieves into your house. Have the locks changed if you must. And that 20-year old might benefits from some jail time.

At some point you’re going to have to not let him in the house anymore. It’s a very sad and difficult situation for you I’m sure. It’s really heart wrenching to me to think about a family member being in this situation.

My guess is you’ve tried more ways than one to help him. Now he’s an adult, and it’s very difficult to help. Eventually, you’ll have to stop enabling him to try to help him. I think I would be terrible at handling this sort of situation.

Maybe the first step is you can still see him, just he can’t come to your house.

Those aren’t just things, they hold memories and love, and interests of yours. Of course, people are more important than things, but that’s not the point. This isn’t a house fire or car accident (God forbid) where someone is just grateful when everyone gets out unharmed.

It is much more than just stuff. It is trust, piece of mind, comfort, etc.

Get a couple of $50 nanny cams and jokingly let everyone know you’ve entered the 21st century. Don’t tell them what kind or where they ere placed no matter how much they ask. You can say it automatically goes to your smart phone and the cloud. That way they don’t try stealing them.
If you can afford it get a selection . Spend $200 and you will have excellent coverage – and proof if anything is ever missing again.
Behavior usually changes when there is a recording.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Good idea @LuckyGuy.

My condolences on your situation, @Aster. We went through a similar situation in our family. My stepdaughter was addicted to heroin and ended up stealing all my wife’s jewelry to fund her habit. My take on it was two-fold. First, it was expensive stuff, some of which had sentimental value and could not be replaced. So it was a hurtful loss. But the other view was that my stepdaughter’s life was really the issue…not the loss of the jewelry. We ended up having her (and her douchy boyfriend at the time) arrested for the theft. She spent 50 days in jail. It gave her time to get clean and reflect. When she got out of jail we took her back in with us and she fell back into old patterns again. I had to give her the ultimatum of either giving up the heroin and all her “friends” or giving us up. I was not going to stand by and watch her kill herself.
In the end, she gave up her old life and has since gotten clean and rebuilt her life. She tells me that having her arrested and giving her the ultimatum were the absolute best things I could have done for her.
What we learned is that when our family members have issues like this, we want to help them. But generally our “help” ends up being enabling. If all you want to do is save your stuff, get a big safe and put your stuff in it. Keep your grandson out. If you want to save your grandson, you need to get with the family to figure out the best way to do that.

Good job @seawulf575. And I can only imagine how hard that must have been.

It was a time, that’s for sure. But every day now is a blessing because we get to see how far she has come and she is still going…still becoming more of a person and enjoying life more each day. It was worth it.

Thanks to all of you for your comments. The situation now is he is an honor student for four months at the local junior college that is a 35 minute drive from our home. He has made a friend I know nothing about. His friend took my GS to church just before Fathers’ Day then drove him to Houston to spend the weekend and have a cookout with his parents. Last weekend they went fishing and my GS emailed me a pic of the big fish he caught. So the stealing remains unspoken between us. It’s like the elephant in the room thing. And we do not invite him over here, period .School will be closed around Christmas and that presents quite an issue. The reason I had 22 of his teeth fixed is because just before he got here I was on the phone with his mother and he was crying. She would give him an oil of oregano; that’s all she would do. It broke my heart to hear him. cry, “my whole mouth hurts.” So his teeth are all finished now but I will be paying on the work for another year.
He is majoring in nursing, so far and wants to become an RN in late 2019. I have no idea how this will go. I have always known he had potential. He blew the top off every national test his classes passed out as he went through school in another state.. Ninety seventh percentile every time.

Wait…he’s an honor student for 4 months, but you just asked this question 3 days ago….?

@Dutchess_III For the next four months, maybe?

But how will she know he will be an honor student for the next four months?

Yes; he has been making A’s and B’s in college since leaving our house after a week of theft and just turning things over and over until you open the garage storage room and things fall out. He went directly to a dorm and has been making A’s B’s and working in a Mexican restaurant. HIs insane behavior here was in January. So I guess he has been in school for at least five months.
And @Dutchess_lll of course I have no idea how his grades will be from now on.

I was simply confused….since you asked this just recently I assumed they were recent events…but he’s been in school since January? 5 months? @rebbel was trying to help me out when he suggested this

It appears you have been vindicated in your compassion. I’ll eat crow for my cynicism. I hope some day that your grandson will fully appreciate your extraordinary tolerance. He’s damned lucky to have you.