What is it with some women in their 50s and 60s becoming estranged from their siblings?

It isn’t just women.

My siblings all live within 70 miles, and one brother is only five miles away. We have not all been together since we moved our mom into a board and care facility. My nearby brother and his wife used to host the family at holidays, but hasn’t in eight or nine years.

Day to day life priorities just seem to intrude all the way around. We were never all that close; my older brother left for college when I was 12 and my younger brother was 4.

I wanted to edit to add I hope you all know me well enough by now to know I wasn’t being sexist. My brother has been the most distant of all. He’s one brother with five sisters.

By the time you reach a certain age (around 60 for me) you may realize that what has always been an unloving (hell, it was really effing toxic) relationship can no longer be borne.
Actively estrange get oneself from members of one’s family of origin is difficult and painful.
Oh, well, still better than before.

My sister and I had a falling out when we were late 30’s early 40’s, because she cut-off my dad and it created a horrible dynamic in the family. My sister and I were never completely cut off from each other, but we went from talking to each other three times a week sometimes for hours to almost nothing for extended periods of time.

Our grandmother died during that time. My grandmother left behind jewelry and some other items that my sister and I split between us, and thank goodness we worked that out like we were the same person. Even after splitting up the items, if one of us wanted to “borrow” an item the other gave it if they weren’t using it. Sometimes we even offer items to the other sister if we haven’t been using it, so it doesn’t just sit in a drawer.

After a few years our aunt became very ill, and we both cared for her.

It’s still not like it used to be, but It’s overall healed.

Being semi-estranged from my sister was pretty awful. Siblings are the people in the world who you know longer than anyone else. Longer than your parents, spouse, or children. That’s typically of course, assuming no one is dying unexpectedly, and assuming siblings aren’t 20 years apart.

Siblings also know what your childhood home was like like no one else. They know what it was like to be a child in your house with your parents, and childhood affects us to some extent in adulthood. Sometimes siblings have very different memories of childhood, but usually it’s not memory of events in the big picture, but rather differing reactions to events by each sibling.

Having siblings for support can be a really great thing. Once parents are elderly or dead, and children are busy being adults, siblings, spouses, and friends are what keep us socialized. However, siblings (family) are the ones who are more likely to be there if you need a place to live or some time or money compared to friends. This is a generalization of course, but I think overall family feels more obligation and more pain to see a family member go through a bad time.

Even estranged siblings often come through for each other in extreme circumstances, but it’s nice if relations are fairly good before the extreme circumstance happens.

I’m 50, and my sister is 2.5 years younger and we still have lots of fun together when together, but there is a little strain here and there when the wrong topics come up. If she died, God forbid, it would be like losing a body part for me. It would be a profound loss.

If you can heal or clear the air with your siblings I usually think it’s worth trying. Of course, it does depend on what has happened. Sometimes things are unforgivable.

In my case, we were taught growing up that you’re “supposed to love” your family members no matter what!!! Before she passed, my Mom held private conversations with both me & my brother because she was concerned that we’d never speak again once she & my dad were gone. It seems that we both gave her the exact same answer. I love xxx but I don’t like him/her. Once both parents were gone, I tried to maintain a relationship in honor of my Mother’s wishes. I called just to ask “How are you doing?” The response was “I’m fine…I’ll talk to you later.” It didn’t take me long to realize that my calls are unwanted; so, I stopped calling. Then I heard through various family members that my brother didn’t like talking on the phone & preferred to text. So, I waited a while & sent a text “How are you & yours doing?” Get back “fine”. I then invited the family over for Christmas & the offer was declined. I finally get a call just before Thanksgiving the following year that his family was getting together for TG & IF I could be there by a specific time, I was invited to join them for lunch but they would NOT wait to eat if I happened to be late. I felt honored that I was even being asked so I accepted & made sure to get there a little bit early so we could visit for a bit & catch up on what had been going on in our respective lives & not just look like I was there only to eat. On leaving, my brother invited me back for Christmas since he & his family were the ONLY family I had left. I accepted. I was told there would be NO gift exchange but should buy my niece a gift & skip giving one to my nephew. I did as instructed & once again arrived a little bit early so I could visit.

Upon leaving from my Christmas visit, my brother followed me to the car explaining to me that it was way too much trouble for his wife to continue to cook 2 meals a year in order for me to join his family; so the following year I was no longer welcome for TG but Christmas would be fine. I invited his family to my house for the following TG & he said that they would be way too busy to join me but he assumed that I would be there for Christmas. I left with my feelings hurt just a little because I eat very little, I don’t require a special diet & the wife would be cooking for 4 anyway. I just didn’t understand how adding a few spoonfuls of extra was so much of an inconvenience. Still, I arrived as specified the following Christmas. This time he followed me out to my car to tell me that this would be our last Christmas together unless I was willing to go to his Mother-in-law’s house to eat because in his words “I was just too much trouble”. His wife comes from a fairly large family & I had briefly met but never got to know any of her family. So, I decided that I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone & I’d be happier at home remembering our old family Christmases back before our parents died. I haven’t been back since.

I still send a text every now & then asking if everyone is OK. Sometimes I get a “fine”, sometimes I don’t. The one thing I have noticed is that I really don’t miss seeing him & I’m just fine with my memories of the “good old days”!!! So, although in some ways I’m sad that my family has become fractured, I’m NOT going to push someone who is NOT interested in fixing the rift. I’m going to respect their wishes as spoken to me & NOT be a burden on his family. Mom’s not here to straighten us out & I’m not sure that it would make a difference anyway!!!

@LadyMarissa I completely understand why your feelings are hurt after the description you made of events. It all sounds rather cold, especially that these bits anoutvwhat might happen next year are said what seems to be privately on your way out. Plus, all the rules about showing up on time, do you usually run very late?

However, I do want to point out to you that for your SIL it doesn’t appear to me that it was so hard to make a few extra spoonfuls of dinner for you. What your brother said was his wife doesn’t want to do the work to prepare Christmas dinner at all. They are going to her mom’s house, and it seems you are invited.

Do you get along with his wife?

Men aren’t great at keeping in touch usually. There are exceptions, my dad likes to talk a lot and make plans, but I think most men, which includes brothers, don’t do it well. Tending to their wife and children is close to overload in words per day for them already.

The holidays are high pressure with many many obligations. Maybe, if you want to be more in touch, plan something not during the holidays. Even if it’s just dropping by one afternoon. I don’t know how far he lives from you. Or, get some lunch.

@LadyM That is so sad, I’m sorry.
My family’s issues are logistics and with both parents gone, they dont require the connection much. A phone call or facebook seems ti be sufficient.
My three half sibs all are not interested at all. So I’d say it’s fairly common.

It’s a combo of things but I think what happens is that your parents are often dead or in no shape or desire to attend noisy events. And sometimes they are the glue that holds the family together. As we age, we become more like strangers but often we stay close to our parents because they don’t really change. They either just get crankier or nicer with age. But you always feel at home with mom or dad. Siblings change and can become strangers. I have 4 siblings and some nephews and nieces. Only on brother has remained the same in his relationship with me and my sister a bit. The rest have changed so much that they are pretty much like strangers to me. My brother also happens to be the one sibling I was closest too growing up and my sister and I share a room growing up. Once my mom passes. I’m not sure there will be a lot of incentive to remain in contact with the others. I hardly remain in contact with one brother and I haven’t spoken to the other in years. The other two I had fond memories as children but I can’t say I had any fond memories of them as adults. I’m closer to some people on my husbands side of the family than I am to those two and some of my nephews and nieces.
It’s like my kids. They were very close when young but they have lived apart for so many years that the most thing they have in common is myself and their dad. So once we go, I’m not sure there will be that incentive to stay close. I’m always the one pushing them not to lose contact. But like all relationships, you can take things for granted, thinking you can pick up where you left off. But you can’t because people change with time and you grow apart.