Have you ever strongly disliked the person your close friend or family member was dating?

Over the years I have taken a strong dislike to one or more of my sons’ girlfriends at one time or another. Early on I made a promise to myself, never, ever to interfere in their relationships or take a stand of opposition to one of their romantic partners. I always welcomed them, extended hospitality just as sincerely as I could, included them at the dinnertable, gave them birthday and Christmas presents, and paid them reasonable compliments. I never criticized them to my sons behind their backs.

A few times I was asked what I thought of the young women, and I always tried to find something positive that I could say truthfully.

In time the relationships wore out. It was never through any doing of mine. If I had opposed them, they would have just dug in. Much better to let things come about naturally and in their own time, even when it took years.

My job is to support my sons and to offer help when asked but otherwise to let them handle their own business.

Sometimes, later on, they’d say something like, “You saw what she was really like, right? I see that now, but you couldn’t have told me at the time.” Exactly.

I also vowed that I would never take sides against my sons with any girlfriend or potential spouse. My family did that to me, and my relationship to them never really recovered.

In the case of any relationship less intimate than that of a mother with her sons, I hope I would find that restraint comes relatively easily.

I’m going through that situation right now & it’s NOT an easy place to be in!!! I’ve been best friends with her for 67 years. I was there the day she was born & we grew closer over the years. I was there when her first marriage imploded. I love her & want her to be happy but she’s married a man who is the most negative person that I’ve ever met & I’m watching her descend into his same level of misery & she doesn’t even realize it!!! They’ve been married coming up on 10 years & they don’t even live in the same house.

As her friend, I’m very honest with her about how I feel & voiced my concern over the emotional changes I clearly see occurring. She always makes excuses for his behavior & turns me into the bad guy because I just don’t understand!!!

When around him, I keep my mouth shut as I’m usually at his or her home & feel it is NOT my place to straighten him out especially since SHE refuses to see that there even is a problem!!! I’ve got enough sense to understand that IF I attack him directly that she’s just going to attack me & I’m NOT ready to lose a friend in that manner!!!

As her friend, I’m doing something that I’m finding extremely difficult to do. I’m accepting that it is HER life & IF he is what makes her happy then I’m happy for her. Still, in the back of my mind, I am simply sitting here waiting to help her pick up the pieces when it ALL falls apart!!!

The upside is that IF I’m wrong, there will be NO pieces to pick up; however, IF I’m right, there will be a bunch of tiny little pieces to try & put back together!!! Either way, I keep my friend. ONLY drawback at this point is that I’ve stopped visiting with her when it requires me being around him as it breaks my heart to watch it first hand. So far, I’ve managed to find time for she & I to go to lunch where we can still be friends without him bumming me out. I really wish that I could include him; but, when she’s around him, I don’t even recognize her as my lifelong friend!!!

No. Even the guys that were jerk boyfriends in my opinion, were ok to be around in terms of us all as friends getting together. So, it wasn’t hard for me to just know I would never want to date the guy.

I do say something if asked directly.

I think if it was my close family member dating someone who was awful it would be really hard for me. I think I would say something even without being asked. It would depend on the situation.

@Jeruba You showed incredible restraint. You get credit from me.

My brother and I are extremely close. Many years ago he was dating a woman that had a 9 year old son that she sent to live with her mother because her boyfriend before my brother didn’t like kids. Strike one. My brother had two young daughters from a prior marriage that this girl went out of her way to make them feel that my brother loved them less than he loved her. She would tell them that “your daddy bought me flowers”, “your daddy took me on vacation”, “your daddy bought me a ring” etc. Strike two. One time when my entire family was in from out of state and my brother was going to get the kids to visit the family, the girlfriend insisted on going with him to the ex-wife’s house. Strike 3. My mom told them not to do this as it would piss ex wife off and the kids would not be allowed over. That is exactly what happened. My mom went off on the woman. My brother was mad at mom for a couple months but they eventually made up. I never said a word about the woman until after they broke up and he asked my opinion. I might have gone a little overboard on my feelings at that point, but he did ask.
But @Jeruba is right. Keep your feelings to yourself and hopefully it will work out.

Sure.

And ultimately, of course, it is the other party and not you who has to be able to sustain or end the relationship.

I think it’s a truth worth remembering: no relationship ever, ever looks the same to people outside it as it does to the two people who are in it. If two people stay together by choice, they’re both getting something out of it, something, even if it isn’t visible to you or me or makes no sense to us. It’s not our business. It’s theirs.

Sure.

@Jeruba If two people stay together by choice, they’re both getting something out of it, something, even if it isn’t visible to you or me or makes no sense to us. It’s not our business. It’s theirs.

That’s absolutely true. There’s a lot to their relationship that I don’t and can’t see.

Definitely. Though ultimately it’s not really my business. I’ll do my best to stay out of it. But—probably to my detriment—I will answer truthfully if asked directly.

And as @Jeruba has already pointed out, it’s impossible to understand the full dynamics of a relationship unless you are in it.

For better or for worse, there’s so much more to a relationship than what an outsider sees looking in from the outside.

Our wedding bands are simple bands on the outside. With a diamond hidden in the inside of the band.

It’s not important what the outside world sees. What matters is what we know is there.

@raum I like that. Such a sweet sentiment.

About ten years after our brother and wife #1 divorced, he met a woman and they married. I really want to like her, yet am finding it incredibly difficult.

She appears to be incredibly needy, highly insecure, an attention seeker, and dramatic. These are all qualities that leave me feeling weak after accommodating it.

To be fair, not a great deal of time has been spent with her. Another problem is that the brother wants us to love her as much as we did his first wife, whom we considered our “sister”. This is unlikely to happen if we don’t spend more time together and get to know each other. Even then, there is no guarantee, and he doesn’t seem to grasp that possibility.

Next Sunday, my side of the family will spend a week at the beach together, including SIL. Hopefully, all goes well.

Update: The beach week is over. It didn’t go so well with my brother’s wife. There was a fair amount of drama, moaning, stereotypes thrown around, and I confronted her a few times. Her feelings may have been hurt, but there are some topics that I can’t just let go of without asking for more information.

Sorry to hear that. I understand not being able to stifle.

That’s disappointing. Vacations are supposed to be fun.

Thanks @JLeslie and @chyna. Drama over nothing just isn’t my thing.

One example is when she felt that the dish towels were disgusting. I had brought them and washed them just before leaving. Granted, they had been used for three days at this point, but it’s only a matter of taking them down to the washing machine and putting them through a cycle. Did she do it? No, I did. The next day, my brother tells me that the towels are filthy. I told him that they were washed yesterday, but he is welcome to wash them again.

There are several examples of her creating drama over something minor that just needed action to correct. They aren’t worth mentioning.

The two that really bothered me were this.

1. She refers to me by a name that isn’t my name. It isn’t a nickname that anyone uses. It doesn’t make any sense. When she used it, I finally asked her why. I didn’t understand. She said as a term of endearment, and asked, didn’t I like it? I honestly told her, “Not really.”

2. This one made me angry. The SIL said that reporting to a woman was the worst and that she would never do it again. I explained to her that this wasn’t my experience, and that making a statement like that was sextist. She backed off and said that was her experience, and that she wasn’t making a blanket statement. I apologized for the misunderstanding and let it go.

I don’t know much about her. But just from this Q, I can’t say I’m a big fan of her either.

Sorry you have to do family vacations with her. :/

Thanks @raum. I thought it might be just me. Apparently, it isn’t. Other family members have mentioned instances to my sister. It’s just unnecessary drama, and sometimes manipulation.

The next family event, she isn’t planning to attend. It’s a month away, so we’ll see. This shift in plans has happened before.

Does he have kids?
Do they like her?

@raum. He has three adult children from the first marriage. I’ve never talked to his kids about it, and they haven’t to me. I get the impression that the two daughters don’t, and his son isn’t bothered.

Sounds like the men in your family have a defunct BS radar. :/

LOL. To be fair, it’s complicated.

^^Just try to avoid long stays together. It’s differences in expectations and culture mostly I think. You’re both uncomfortable.

Sadly, I’m about to the point where I strongly dislike my daughter in law. :( She is fucking nuts. I’m pretty sure she’s making my son’s life pretty damn miserable. @Pied_Pfeffer described her pretty well, actually! Very needy, needs constant reassurance that she isn’t nuts. She is nuts. We all miss my sons first really serious girlfriend. She was from Australia and OMG, he loved her. We loved her too.