If you were a stock on the New York Stock Exchange, how would a stock analyst describe you?

nice questions (7)

A stock analyst might say: “This is definitely an underperforming stock. The current value is at an attractive low due to many unreleased projects. If you can “buy” this stock, do so now before it gets out of your range.”

A stable reliable performer. Rated a “buy” in this unsteady economy.

A cautiously optimistic “buy.”

Good value stock, paying reasonable dividends, excellent p/e, excellent and stable management, admirable CEO, should have bought long ago and now rated “hold.”

@ galicalled. I first read it as “excellent pie” and was ready to invest millions in you!

As for me, worth investing in if you have a tolerance for volitility and are investing for long term, rather than rapid, growth.

Harp International (Dow HRP) has failed to meet Wall Street expectations for more quarters than anyone can count. Earnings have remained stagnant since FY1995. When asked by Chief Financial Officer Mrs. Harp how he planned to increase shareholder value, Harp is rumoured to have answered “Um… I dunno”. Shortly thereafter, Mrs. Harp mounted a hostile takeover whereby she acquired a majority of voting shares.

Analysts attribute Harp’s lackluster performance to over diversification, with assets tied up in the restaurant and hospitality sector, the public service sector and the manufacturing sector. Urged repeatedly by stockholders to divest himself of unprofitable manufacturing operations, Harp whines and says “But I like making stuff”.

Recent ventures into web-based information services (in association with Fluther LLC) have yielded modest returns in “lurve”, but these have no net positive effect on Harp’s earnings, and only serve to further alienate the CFO. When advised to down-scale web operations, Harp whines and says “But I like answering questions”.

Further losses have resulted from heavy investments in the education of lower level managers. Harp justifies this spending as necessary to meet future pension obligations.

Since it is impossible to downgrade this stock any further, we advise shareholders to use the stocks for arts and crafts projects or as attractive coasters.

The Simpsons, episode 9, season 12

Homer: “I’d like to buy 500 shares of animotion incorporated.”
Man: “Ok. Ah now before I execute this order are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership?”
Homer: “Absolutely.”

Lady on phone: “For automated stock prices, please state the company name.”
Homer: “Animotion.”
Lady: “Animotion, up one and one half.”
Homer: “Yahoo!”
Lady: “Yahoo, up 6 and a quarter.”
Homer: “Huh? What is this crap?”
Lady: “Fox broadcasting, down 8.”

Kent Brockman: “Turning to the stock market, animotion is up an eigth…”
Homer: “Yes!”
Kent Brockman: “After plunging 75 points this morning.”
Homer: “Ouh.. I hope plunging means up, and 75 means 200.”
Kent Brockman: “The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy. Which is terrible news for the company’s only stock-holder…Homer Simpson”

I’d be an all or nothing type of stock, the one that will either make you flithy rich, or send you under the bridge