How would you feel if your boyfriend/husband donated his sperm without telling you?

It depends. How long have you been together, what is the nature of your commitment, have you talked about having kids of your own someday (and if so, what was decided), and so on.

For example, if a couple is married, and one of the offspring finds some legal loophole that allows them to have a claim against the husband, then that would affect the wife too. So a wife might reasonably expect to be consulted as a practical matter, not to mention the emotional side of it.

Or if a couple has agreed to be childless, or worse yet, simply put off having children until it was too late, the woman might feel betrayed.

On the other hand, if the couple has not been together very long or is not very serious or has not discussed future plans to have a family, then it is none of the woman’s business (yet).

I am with @Zissou on this, I would need to know a lot more. Has he done this before, like before you started seeing him? Has he known the couple a long time?

His relationship with the couple may predate and may be ongoing.

@Zissou @zenvelo
My partner does have a son from his previous marriage but I don’t have any children with him yet. Marriage and children in the near future are on the table. He says he has donated sperm before but it did not take. He has known this couple for a long time and he knew them before me. They planned this a long time ago but never went through with it and lost contact. He hadn’t thought about it again until they recently contacted him again. It was none of my business then but I feel like it is now, especially if he wants me to be his wife.

I have a feeling he didn’t say anything to you, or anyone else, until it was over for little reasons like, well, having his mind wet in the right groove to “get the job done.” I seriously doubt he was intentionally keeping it from you, but more like embarrassed to say anything until he got past the hard part.
Also, by doing this for his friends, helps him to know in advance that his swimmers are functioning. It is something of a test drive, you might say.

You first say, “I am not mad about him being a donor”
Then you say ” I am fully aware that if his sperm works for the couple, the child will not be ours, but that will still be his biological kid(s) that will one day walk the Earth. That is nothing to brush off.”

It seems you are upset about that.

Personally, I don’t see the issue of him donating sperm, but him telling you through text was a dick move and you have a right to be upset about that.

@Patty_Melt
That is not it at all. He has made it very clear that he had no intentions of ever telling me. I’ll give a little more detail on how it went down. I had sent him a morning text on my break and he responded right away. This is very unusual because he’s usually still asleep until about 2pm. He works at night so it’s rare for him to be awake before 2pm, unless it’s very important. I asked him what he was doing up earlier than usual just to check on him but he didn’t respond right away. He texted back almost 3 hours later and nonchalantly told me he had just donated his sperm. He said the only reason he told me he had just donated was because in that moment, he just decided not to lie to me. I appreciate him not lying but I still think he did it backwards and could of told me beforehand. He said If I hadn’t asked him why he was out and about so early, he would have never told me. That’s hurtful to me.

@Caravanfan
I’m really not mad about him being a donor. I see no issues with him being a donor. Donating sperm is common and it’s nice to help people who would not be able to have kids without the donation. I wouldn’t have tried to stop him or tell him he can’t. I support him 100%. The issue is not being told about it. I made that final comment because I’d certainly like to know if he has other children out there, other than his son, ahead of time. No, the kid(s) would not be apart of our little family. I fully accept that but they are still genetically related to him, his son, and our future children. There is a possibility that one day the kid(s) may want to know where they came from and when they turn 18 there is nothing stopping them from looking. It does not affect us now but it could later on so I feel like I should have been informed beforehand because that is serious. There is no right way to bring the conversation up but he could have taken at least 10 minutes out of the day to sit me down and just tell me he was planning to donate.

I would be kind of upset at not being told or even discussed it with you as to your feelings. I think it’s worthy of a discussion about your feelings with him. As you say, it’s possible that the child may look for him some day. especially since he knows the couple. It’s worth talking it out.

To me, this falls under the same category as abortion. As far as personal rights. I’ve always been told “it’s her body.” Well. It’s his sperm. As long as he isn’t spreading his seed naturally (cheating,) a girl should have no say in it.

If a partner of mine wanted an abortion, I would have no rights in the decision. That’s a jagged pill.

What if wanted to donate blood, or bone marrow?

Personally, I don’t see any repercussion from his action. There’s a law governing the legal guardianship of the child. Each of us might share some of the same gene pool and common ancestry and I have no problem with that.

There’s no point to get upset now. It’s already a spilled milk. Forgive him. Tell him to never do that again if he really care about and respect you.

If he’d told you right before he was going to do the deed, what would your reaction have been? There wouldn’t be much time to discuss things. The choice is ultimately his and although you wish he would have told you in a different order, he didn’t. You can’t control the decisions people make, especially about their bodies. At least he told you. You don’t know that he never intended to tell you. He admitted he didn’t want to lie. He obviously wasn’t comfortable with holding back the information from you so it was probably more about when he was going to talk to you about it. Either way, what’s done is done.

The real underlying questions is this:
“Why is it that you impregnate someone else , rather than me?”
Is he going to parade this couple child ( his sperm) in your face later to show you that “yes” he can father a child?
I would not be too quick in getting pregnant with a man that now has two other children that he does NOT support nor father!
Why are you so bent on having kids! It will come naturally why push things?
Leave it for now and ponder on the uncertainties of your relationship if you continue to demand another child from him. I would not want someone cornering me into a life change that I ( he ) is not ready for
If so and you do get pregnant be ready to be the only support for that child and be ready to be both father and mother for it as well. See the red flags now before its too late.

@Inspired_2write
I appreciate you responding like everyone else but I’m not sure you really read my post or maybe you just read TOO MUCH into it. I never questioned his fathering skills because he is a wonderful father. I never said he didn’t support his son. I never said that he had multiple children he doesn’t support but that another baby could come into the picture now that he just donated his sperm. Nowhere in my post does it say I’m bent on being pregnant at this very moment. We have talked about adding additions but I have not demanded a baby. The point of this post was to express the lack of trust and communication in this particular situation! Please refrain from making assumptions about our character. Thank you though.

Yes he should have shared that earlier! A relationship like yours, weird not to. It was nice of him, but soynds somehow shady. Did he get paid to do it? Do you get to meet these people who may raise your future childrens half sibling? Ya, he didnt tell you on purpose or he’s lying. Donated it in a jar in a clinic? Should be paperwork to show you. Easy peasy, lesson learned that lies of omission are still lies.

@ reddragon
Sorry but that is what I got out of your situation.
Take with a grain of salt as we on Fluther are not in your shoes so we are speculating that’s all.

@Inspired_2write Wow! Those were some big assumptions!