The Damage of Lies?

I imagine the liar prefers to avoid the emotional drama by delaying or outright avoiding the truth.
I discovered many times by different people that caused doubts in my mind at the time but did not have enough facts to go on to dispute it. Much later it turned out that these people were in the habit of lying and thus I was there victim as well.
Curiously those that lied and caused so much pain for others are now in bad health themselves. I wonder if a lying affects their conscience and thus causes there bodies to become ill from the guilt?
I have a sister that at a child she continually lied to get out of trouble that she always managed to get herself and others into.She progressed to bigger lies in her marriages and thus divorced a few times ( three or four now) and I don’t think that her present marriage is doing so well either. She went to rehab and is only now taking responsibility for her actions and lies. She is a senior now so she racked up a lot of guilt.

I prefer to NOT be lied to in the first place; however, I find it easier to “forgive” the liar IF they own up to it right away!!! In my eyes, the lie is compounded when the truth is further withheld!!!

Well, I suppose it depends on what the lie is.

For me, it does NOT matter “what the lie is”. Lie to me & you automatically lose my TRUST!!! IF you’ll lie to me about the little crap…you’ll most definitely lie to me about the important stuff…A lie is a LIE!!!

You need to remember that what is considered a lie in one culture is just being polite in another. For example, in Japan, when someone offers you a coffee, you’re supposed to say “No,” the first 2 or 3 times, that you couldn’t possibly, you don’t want any, etc. Then the last time you can accept.

There are examples in other cultures, but this one came to mind.

Lots of variables.

If I offer you a cup of coffee, you best not say no unless you MEAN it. The most you’ll get out of me is maybe a “are you sure you don’t want a cup?” Actually, I don’t drink coffee so you better stop by Starbucks to pick up one if you want a cup of coffee while at my house unless it’s a special occasion!!!

According to my dad who served in Japan, it is also considered polite to belch after every meal to show your host how much you enjoyed & appreciated their meal. Don’t know IF that’s still their custom. I see a cultural politeness to NOT be the same thing as a lie!!! When it’s to be expected, you’re doing the right thing…NOT lying!!!

If you’re wearing a butt ugly dress & ask me how I like it, my response would be “I wouldn’t buy it for myself; but if you like it, it’s fine with me.” I’m NOT going to reply “It’s beautiful, where did you buy it? I want one for myself.”

What is “truth”? What is a “lie”? At least one person here is so absolute on the concept of “fact” versus “not fact” that there is no variance allowed for language, custom, or human interaction.
”For me, it does NOT matter “what the lie is”. Lie to me & you automatically lose my TRUST!!! IF you’ll lie to me about the little crap…you’ll most definitely lie to me about the important stuff…A lie is a LIE!!!” This is absolute bullshit, @LadyMarissa.

I used to tend bar and be a cocktail waitress. I wore a wedding ring to work so I would not be harassed by the male customers. A “lie” by implication, but one that insured I was able to do my work efficiently and well.

I used to “lie” to my mother to end a phone conversation without rancor. I would tell her I had an appointment, so I had to go. I learned to do that, rather than tell her the truth, that I wanted to get off the phone now (without an obligation to another situation), because she would get agitated, then angry, and almost have a literal fit. As she was 90, I was not going to promote that.

I use discretion and educated judgement when telling a not-fact.

I understand that you may refuse to simply be kind to someone who needs a cheerful word in order to preserve some sense of absolute “right” you think you have, but you are dead wrong to judge others so harshly.

Once the truth is known it might help with smoothing once ruffled feathers by getting the truth out there, even after many years.
A lie that has been too long hidden can cause an excessive guilt complex in the accused.
All it says about the liar is that he/she is scum and has always been so.
Someone else who does the same but admits to it right off isn’t too much better since a lie is a lie and the liar shouldn’t be trusted.

In my experience, a long-term lie is much more harmful to people involved.

For example: My half brother and sisters were unaware of my existence. Their mother and ‘our’ father hadn’t told them they had a sister.

After I made contact with them, they were absolutely devastated at the deceit of their parents their whole lives.

To me, no lie is worth the harm they usually cause. White lies to prevent feelings being hurt, I understand but personally don’t use myself.

I think that if you keep pressing for the truth for 12 years, you already know you’ve been lied to. If you can be traumatised for knowing the truth for 12 years, but denying it to yourself, you’ve traumatised yourself. By your own admission, you are hearing what you already know.

@canidmajor Your opinion is your opinion & IF you ever agree with anything I’ve said, I’ll pass out!!!

When I was a bartender, I did NOT need to wear a phony wedding ring as I knew how to say NO without any hassle!!! I also knew how to tell my Mom that I was hanging up.

IF you don’t “accept” lies, people are less likely to lie to you!!! Cutting liars out of my life has also cut out a lot of drama. Now that I know what a liar you are, you’ve proved my point. Time to talk to the hand because the rest of me isn’t listening!!!

@KNOWITALL that’s insane and actually my mother did that to my older half sister. She apparently had a different dad and he’s dead now so she is pretty devastated. I’m sorry that happened to you. That leaves serious permanent damage to have your parents lie.

Something similar happened to my oldest daughter. I became her Mom when she was 18 months old, formally adopted her when she was 6. She had some limited contact with her bio mom, then the woman just dropped out of the picture. It’s caused heartache for my daughter.
Well, she ended up tracking her down on FB a couple of years ago, only to learn that she had died about 6 months earlier. Very sad. BUT she found a treasure trove of family she didn’t know she had, and they’re really cool people. We got to meet them a couple of years ago.
Apparently no one even knew of my daughter’s existence and that was a real blow to her. it left her wondering if her bio mom was ashamed of her or something, which it stupid. She was married to my now ex when Jen was born. WTF is wrong with some people.

I’m not talking about white lies. I’m talking about hurtful lies between two people in a relationship.

Someone lied about their actions and ultimately admitted but still isn’t releasing fully what happened and why. I knew he was lying but he wouldn’t admit all these years and while the act is TOTALLY forgivable (still shitty and hurtful – but forgivable), I feel traumatized. I think that if he just told me the truth back then that I wouldn’t still be so upset by it. It’s causing us other issues with our relationship too.

Sort of ironic you guys brought this up but because of this news with my sister recently I have been feeling like I can’t trust anyone in my life. Even my mom lied to me so I’m just wondering what else is just huge load of crap. What OTHER secrets are being kept from me ?!?

What is your situation @BackinBlack?

Well, @LadyMarissa your overly simplistic attitude about things doesn’t really apply to real life, but good for you, with all your exclamation points and CAPS.

@BackinBlack, unfortunately, it sounds like there are deeper issues than what was lied about, and the sad truth is that you may never know the whole story. I am sorry you have to go through this, a deeply held secret and/or a long-standing serious lie can cause so much erosion to a relationship that it may never recover.
I hope you can find some peace.

Yes, it sounds like there are deeper issues and if you really want our opinion on things, perhaps you should lay out a few more facts.

@BackinBlack Sorry but I’m bluntly honest, did he cheat and you just now finding out?

Yes, for all of us kids, four, it’s pretty painful. Their parents act as if they did nothing wrong, it’s pretty tough. Luckily my cousin (dad’s brothers daughter) is a little older than me and has given me pics, filled me in on some family things and genuinely seems like a friend. My brother is trying, but my sisters are struggling with what to do. smh.

Depends on the lie. There will always be a lesser number of lies that are better left as lies for a long time.

It really does depend on the lie. The child afraid to tell his parents he got a bad grade because they would beat him. The girl who refused to be in an arranged marriage is killed by her father, thus showing other girls in her predicament that they have to marry or get killed. The person that won’t tell that they are gay because they fear retaliation. The girl that won’t tell her parents that she is pregnant for fear of what they will do to her.
The there is the flip side. The person who lies to be lying. But I can tolerate a lie told to protect oneself more than I can tolerate intolerance.
If a person isn’t given the chance to explain their lie maybe the intolerant one doesn’t deserve to have them in their life.
@LadyMarissa I can understand why @canidmajor wore a wedding ring to put off advances rather than to just tell the men she wasn’t interested. She was probably working for tips and having an excuse of being married was better than just saying she wasn’t interested. It didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings and she still got a tip. Bartenders generally don’t work for tips.

Yeah, you have to be quite careful about telling guys you aren’t interested in them, especially when they’ve been drinking. It can be dangerous.

@KNOWITALL I wonder why the parents thought it would be better to keep that a secret. My mom said she was just trying to “protect everyone.”

More specifically, he lied about having a secret facebook account that he used to friend only one person, and he was messaging with. Since that I have found other secret accounts and emails. 5 years ago he did it again but on twitter and with people he didn’t know.
He still says he doesn’t remember why he messaged that person, he said he had no clue what his plan was. I feel like his reaction is always to just lie to me, even if it’s stupid. Now I’m wondering all our life what else he has been lying about.
If he had told me the truth the day I caught him it wouldn’t be a thing today.

@BackIn Been there myself so I get it. Thing is, you can’t stop a cheater and you cant drive yourself crazy. Make a decision to trust him and risk all for love, or dont and move on. Trust me, sleuthing is not going to stop him, it just shows him you’re nosy and dont trust him. If he’s truly innocent, he doesnt deserve to live like that either imo. Good luck!

@chyna I worked for tips when I was a bartender & being honest with harassers never affected my tips enough to change my attitude!!! As a matter of fact, my overly simplistic attitude about things doesn’t really apply to real life has gotten me through MY real life for 68 years. I didn’t say it was perfect for everyone; but it has worked well for me since I divorced the major liar!!! My intolerance has protected me well. I feel that I DESERVE better than having a liar in my life & I don’t want nor need what you perceive me to be missing!!! Forgive anyone you feel the need to forgive & I won’t say a word because it is YOUR life Just because it’s NOT right for you, it doesn’t make it wrong for me!!!

@BackInBlack No idea why my dad chose not to tell his children but I assume he didnt want them to know I existed. Unfortunately for me, my mother was honest and said I had sisters and a brother. It hurt me more than them I think.

“And lastly, do you think being lied to for this long can cause that person to be traumatized?”

Possibly, but there is no accounting for drama queens.

And, I know that there are people whose business it is to help other people find trauma where they don’t really have any. That in itself can be traumatizing! ;D