Do you have a S/O that puts you down?

He is frustrated and vents in front of you as he trusts you to do that. Unfortunately you should not take his outburst personally directed at you but it comes from him possibly being a perfectionist?
Can you walk away quietly when he acts out every time..soon he may realize that you will not sit there and take it personally. other than that saying” I know it frustrating,but it will work out in time” ( but this depends on how he takes this..as he might attack you .
In quiet moments ask him what he wants you to do when he acts out, tell him what it feel like to be near him when he does this and its unfair to vent on you. I used to have this happen to me and once I had enough I told the man in question out loud to go for a walk to vent out his anger instead of venting onto me! it worked and he did that in frustrating moments when things did not work the way he wanted it to. ( perfectionist).
Talk with a Councillor to determine best way to handle it.

Ugh, the timing of this Q is perfect.

I don’t call it putting me down, but I am so sick of being told he doesn’t want to hear my voice anymore when we fight lately. It’s not my fault I am smarter about things we are dealing with right now. I don’t mean I’m smarter than him overall, I only mean some of things we are dealing with right now he will argue with me and tell me I’m being ridiculous, and even if he doesn’t say it his anger and frustration is apparent. I find it extremely upsetting, not because I care if I’m right or wrong, but because I’m sick to death of being dismissed! Dismissed by doctors, by brokers, by landscapers, by builders, by my husband, when 90% of the time I am right! Many times I hope that I am wrong. I don’t want to be right, I just want my fears addressed.

Gawd, I just can’t take it anymore. If they all just took the time to look up what I’m questioning without being so fucking angry.

It just happened, just 5 minutes ago, after fighting about a few things he told me something that made zero sense to me. He finally googled and he was wrong. It’s something that really matters, it’s on a contract we are signing, this isn’t some petty fight within a marriage. He just made up an answer, I think he really did think he was right, it’s not that he’s lying, he’s just being obstinate even at times when it really matters.

I hate it. I hate that I become the person people can’t stand to be around. I’m so sick of it.

Thanks for the rant.

@JLeslie
I suppose his ego is damaged by your insistence of being right most of the time.

If not important then let things slide but on important things like contracts etc
Perhaps diplomatically handling it would be easier for the both of you.

Remind him that you two are operating as a team working on a problem and that you or him could be wrong or right but its important to find clarity in solving the problem and to let emotions and frustrations slide until you both find a solution.

Sounds like he wants to be the “Man’ and in charge and wants to be seen as right most of the time.
Perhaps he feels that you usurp him as a put down on his abilities.
This may come about from a past relationship problem within the family perhaps with his mother and so he reacts this way.

As for your past scenarios as mentioned with others dismissing you..where does that feeling originate from..family relationships sometimes get replayed in other relationships.

Find a diplomatic way of stating your case and state that you have this right to air your opinions as well and to be taken seriously.

Instead just say lets check this out together for a solution?

There is no right comeback. A comeback is an invitation for more. Don’t give him that.

@Inspired_2write I’m sure I probably can word it better. It’s so hard when it’s something that is making me afraid. I have to worry about his ego, but I want someone care that I’m scared.

I feel tremendous weight of responsibility on serious matters. It’s partly because I take on the responsibility, because others aren’t doing it to my satisfaction. Often it has simply to do with not being passive and just going along without thinking or reading. But, also, it has to do with intuition.

It’s not so much childhood, but rather as an adult. Women are treated like crap constantly. Maybe it happens to men and I don’t realize it, or they handle it better. We are too often told what we think is hysterical or wrong, and that we should dismiss our gut feelings, or what we know to be correct.

I think the biggest problem regarding my husband is he was raised in a family where his parents have very very little education. They aren’t stupid by any means, but they do worry about being stupid. It’s an insecurity that is partly from ignorance, but ignorance of something is nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion, but for them they see it very differently. I can understand. My husband, luckily, is nothing to the extreme of his parents in the macho ego department, but stressors on us make things more difficult at the moment.

To make things worse, worse for me, regarding just swallowing how he talked to me just a few hours ago, his dad comes home and tells me about his first day at work today. His dad had told me he needed black jeans for work. He went to work today in blue jeans. I just can’t believe it. He wasn’t in front of customers today, but if it were me I would be overdressed, or at least following dress code. Then he tells me he was told no jeans, it must be black slacks. I asked him no blue jeans? Because there he is in blue jeans, and I thought maybe his new boss was emphasizing don’t come to work in what you are wearing right now. My FIL said to me, no jeans, must be black pants. I’m sure it showed on my face a little that I’m thinking I can’t believe what I’m hearing and seeing. I asked him, “they told you black jeans before?” Get ready for it…”no, I saw another employee.” I told him, don’t rely on other employees for information, you ask your manager. He told me the manager told him the same thing. No shit! This is just the same thing to me. They make assumptions and think they are right without finding out what is right. Now he needs to return the black jeans he bought. It’s too often. Anyone can screw something like that up, but it just happens so much, and they are so sure.

Honestly, what happens in the end, it just happened now, is I do the thing I know is incorrect to make everyone happy and take the risk it will blow up in my face. It isn’t worth being knowledgeable or fighting, because I just go along half the time anyway to not be hated and to not have to continue fighting. Sometimes I am probably being overly paranoid, but usually, like I said, I’m right about what I am concerned about.

@Jleslie What you describe sounds like my 11 yr marriage woes of which I divorced him and his Family squabbles and taking all the responsibilities of raising three children while working 10 of those 11 years without much if any help from my husband at that time. I went to Counselling on my own before making that decision to Divorce after realizing through Counselling that some people ( Husbands) whom had Mothers that doted on them and or made him feel inadequate all through his young adult life end up Marrying a women who will not complain and takes on the duties for him. Since I was doing all of the work while he had enjoyed our money with good clothes and expensive lunches and later i found out that he had Season tickets for almost every Sport imaginable while I labored to keep our head above water.Since I was doing all this without any help from him, it would be better for me to be on my own with the kids as a single mother where my kids would be looked after much better than a absent father/husband.
I divorced and rented a condo close to the schools that my kids attended for easy transition and we lived there much happier and secure than if we had stayed.
The Counselor also told me that my husband was a Mamas boy who wanted to be looked after and that he probably sought out women who had a soft spot so that he could use.
He was/is a selfish person that seemed not to growth up at all.I am so glad that I divorced him at age 30 yrs old young enough to carve out a Career plan and upgrade my education as well as work to feed and clothe my kids better.

^^It doesn’t sound like my situation at all. My husband has worked tirelessly our entire marriage. He worked hard at his careers, he got his masters while still working. He became what I would call the breadwinner around our 7th year of marriage and I was able to quit my full time job and go part time to a job I liked very much. We worked together for financial goals. I had fertility problems and health problems and those were a stressor on the marriage, but we pushed through it.

Our first 20 years didn’t have hardly any of this sort of strife that I am experiencing the last 5 years. It started escalating when we moved back to Florida, he did not anticipate missing TN as he did, and he didn’t like his new job very much. A few years later he was laid off. A year later we bought a business. It’s been very stressful. We are not doing what we should be. We are in a situation that doesn’t suit us. I’ve had to deal with too much risk, and I hate it. He bought a business that I knew would be difficult in ways that he just didn’t believe me. Sucks for him that I was right. I don’t berate him with it, he just didn’t understand the way I did.

So, if you add up all of that, it’s pretty crappy for him. Most men would be work down and angry by it all, I really get that. It’s very complicated. I desperately want him to feel free and happy. I want it for me too.

Patience

Disengage. Walk away. So many times I hear stories like this of men being physically and emotionally abusive and their wives just put up with it. (I’m sure it happens the other way around as well, it’s just that I guess men are less likely to confide in me about their emotional issues.) Nope. Do NOT put up with it. Pull away, physically and emotionally after telling them that is not the type of relationship you want and if they want to carry on having a relationship with you, they can think about what they want and come talk about it rationally. I just don’t have any patience for this sort of immaturity. It’s hurtful. If you keep putting up with it and blaming yourself, it will keep happening. Every time you let it happen without consequences, you are telling them it’s OK to treat you like that.

I realise I’m not the best person to be giving man/women relationship advice and I’ve never been married (wasn’t legal for me, you see) but I have had one long-term relationship and it was very much, ‘til death did us part’. It wasn’t easy, but we knew that if one of every felt hurt by the other’s actions things needed to be fixed. Egos checked at the door and it usually involved one of us saying, ‘You don’t speak for me.’... or ‘Don’t yell at me about things that make you mad that aren’t my fault.’ or ‘Don’t volunteer me for things.’ Loads of silly things, too. But if someone can feel justified taking out their frustrations on you like you’re some sort of punching bag, that’s NOT ok. Hand them a potted plant to yell at. (but don’t throw it at their head.)

@ScienceChick I agree with Sciencechick as well.

Some of it is simple macho posturing. Some men think that intimidating people who are smaller than them (wives, children) makes them a big man. They don’t see how disgusting their behavior is.

@Inspired_2write she doesn’t “insist” on being right. She is right.

I heard this somewhere once, I think in a movie. ‘You’re not at a whipping post or a punching bag. You’ve got legs. Use them.’ If they don’t see how disgusting their behaviour is, who’s going to show them? You are. The gaslighting has to stop. Are you being gaslighted? or, by letting him carry on like that are you gaslighting him, convincing him he’s justified or it’s OK and normal and that you aren’t being hurt by it?

Yep. I agree. I almost walked once. Scared the bejesus out of Rick because he knew I was serious. Plus I told him he was being abusive. That shocked the shit out of him. He didn’t consider his angry behavior to be “abusive.” It was all my fault. I made him do it.
That’s when I said, “That’s what all abusers say. It’s someone elses fault.”
That rocked him back too. He has changed.

Yes, I’ve heard friends say that their husband justified it by saying ‘Look what you make me do? Look what you drive me to?’ I just call BS. Everybody is entitled to their feelings of fear, anger, sadness, worry, but I will call anyone out who tries to justify their terrible actions on another person. I’ve also witnessed an argument between a good friend and her husband… and I honestly like the guy, but he said to his wife, ‘You have no right to feel that way. Feeling that way is just stupid.’ I went off on him. I couldn’t hold my tongue and if they didn’t want me to be involved in their argument they shouldn’t have bloody well done it in front of me. She has every right to her feelings. Belittling someone’s feelings is tantamount to the nastiest name calling and darn near gaslighting in my book.

Man, I know. No one is responsible for making any one feel anything. You can’t make someone angry and you can’t make someone happy. Mostly they just choose to feel that way.

That’s correct. I don’t insist on being right, I unfortunately have been right about a lot of things. My husband is right when I am wrong sometimes too. It’s just, what I’ve been right about lstely is stuff that sucks. Ugh.

I don’t like to just walk away, his family is passive aggressive, and their way of habdeking arguments is silent treatment, which I think is disgusting. However, I do admit to sometimes berating a point too long, and I can have a bit of a temper (raise my voice) and as I admitted above I could maybe word things better.

Last night I did leave the house for a while just for a break. Not to punish him, but for us.

Thank God neither of us hold grudges. We don’t stay angry long.

(Only a woman would apologize for being right!)

I would not put up with this kind of treatment. I would be headed for the door and the divorce court in a hot second.

@MooCows your husband is a bully. You’ve described his awful behavior many times. I know you are scared, but you have to do something to get away from this man, even if you have to beg friends, relatives, or strangers for money and help to get you out of this situation. Maybe he hasn’t yet hit you (or maybe he has) but what he has done to you, and is continuing to do, is abusive. This is the number for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1–800-799–7233 Call them (preferably when he is not home, or from someplace other than your house) and let them know your situation. They can help you make a plan to leave.

@MooCows, think about if this situation was being done to a dear friend of yours, and you have heard all the ugly details, what would you say to that woman? Would you tell her to just stick it out, because she’s not worth much? Be your own best friend and advocate and be proactive, now, and get the hell out of there.

Here is more information from their website: https://www.thehotline.org/

@JLeslie I think your situation is somewhat more typical, but you don’t have to put up with it either. You need to do some research ahead of time, regarding marital counseling, or counseling just for you. Set up an appointment. Then sit your husband down, when he is calm, and explain to him exactly what you’ve said to us, that his belittling behavior, and inability to see you as an equal (or someone who is possibly superior in some ways, because you are giving him correct information that he doesn’t want to be true) is damaging to you, and you aren’t going to put up with it anymore. I would also recommend that you also contact some of your friends or relatives and put at least a few close friends on alert to let them know that you might need a place to stay temporarily. I’m betting that like with @MooCow’s husband, no one knows how hubby treats you. People like this are never assholes in front of the company, or their own friends, so your friends probably don’t know, am I correct? You should make the appointment, explain to him how you feel, and what you plan to do, then invite him to go along to the appointment, or tell him that you will go alone if he refuses, and that you need to make a temporary (not necessarily legal) separation from him because you are now, going forth, not going to put up with this kind of treatment from him anymore. I would also suggest that you see if there are any assertiveness training classes that you could take to help you better deal with these other schmucks that are not taking your seriously, when the facts are on your side (and make sure you always have the hard cold facts in your hand when you are talking to these people). You are a nice woman, but being nice, and being assertive do not have to be mutually exclusive. I know you love your husband, and you have a long history with him, but he is taking advantage of your kindness, and you should not have to look forward to an entire lifetime of being treated this way, just because it’s easy for him to take things out on you, and that’s the way it’s always been (or at least it has been for a while now).

No one should have to put up with this kind of shitty treatment, but YOU ladies (or some of you fellows) have to be the one to stand up and say NO MORE!!! and then make a plan to leave, or get help for the jerky person and yourself. Sometimes the hardest part is having to confess to your close friends and relatives that your spouse or partner is not as nice of a person as they have been lead to believe. Don’t let that stop you from telling them, and letting them help you.

Also, please, please, please, do not be one of those women who after sharing this type of information about their jerky spouses, then backtracks and says that he is not so bad, after people give you advice about how to get out of the situation. You need to make changes and not make excuses for these men anymore. We are here to help you.

They all come off as the “nicest man.”
For a while we had one of his friends who used to hang out with us a lot. One time we were in the truck and he was in the back seat. Rick said something about getting gas. Then he pulled into a gas station and parked in front of the store.
I didn’t say anything because I knew what his reaction would be, but he friend said, “I thought we were getting gas.”
Sure as hell Rick kind of exploded and slapped the steering wheel angrily….then realized it was his friend who had said it and he was going off on his friend so he turned it into a joke.
Later, when he wasn’t around, I told his buddy that he wasn’t fooling. He gets pissed at the littlest things, and he really was mad! His friend looked at me in surprise. Yep.

@Dutchess_III Exactly! These kinds of people (mostly men, at least in my own personal experience) go off on their wives first, and then maybe their kids. They seem to manage to pull out the “nice guy” image in front of everyone else.

I think they believe that it is their right to get angry and take it out on their wives, because their wives are kind of like their property in a sense, and most of the time, those wives (unlike the wives who don’t put up with this shit and either dish it right back or leave) will put up with the shitty treatment for the sake of the family, or the sake of keeping the marriage intact, or the sake of public appearances, or whatever.

In the case of my former friends, a couple, the husband seemed like the nicest guy in the world. Turns out that he was a serial cheater and got one of his “lady friends” pregnant. His wife was gaslighted by this guy for a long time. Ultimately, they were suddenly getting a divorce, even though the rest of us only knew them as the nice happy couple. She left on a trip to visit her mother and never returned. He left shortly after that. They moved out of the state and he (who at that time was still pretending to be the nice guy) said that his wife had a lot of issues and that she wasn’t handling them well and she decided to move back home with her mother, and they were getting a divorce. No other details were given. I found out 7 months later, from the wife (who had not spoken to me since right before she left on what was supposed to be her short trip to visit family) finally confessed to me that her husband had been cheating on her with multiple women during their entire marriage, and that she was ashamed to tell anyone. He, on the other hand, has no idea that I know the truth now, although I think he might suspect since I pretty much cut him out of my life when I found out. I had to “unfriend” him on Facebook, because his “lady friend” was always tagging him (probably unbeknownst to him, but so that all of his Facebook friends could see it) about their new baby, and their subsequent marriage, and how sexy she thinks he is. He never posted anything about any of it, but I saw it because of her tagging him. I had to drop him because it sickened me so much. I think he probably figured out by now what happened. His wife, when she finally told me what happened, told me that she was ashamed, and didn’t want anyone to have ill feelings towards him, that’s why she didn’t tell any of us when this was going on. She probably didn’t want to cause a scene, because he had already gaslighted her into believing that she was crazy.

I don’t feel or believe for a minute that my husband sees me as less than equal. It’s just frustration, and yes some bad behavior that could be better, but I could be better too.

It’s just us not handeling the stress well.

No relationship is perfect. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, sure I wish he would act and say some things differently, but I am flawed too. I hope we both can be better in the future, but most of all I’m very thankful for our relationship. I do whatever I want most of the time, I have fun every day. He rarely gets to have fun lately. He’s frustrated.

^^ And so starts the excuses for why he isn’t so bad (even though you just described to us in detail how bad he is) and how awful you are, even though we all know you, and know that that is not the case. I fear that you do not want any kind of confrontation with him, even if it means that you continue to have to put up with this bullshit. There’s no reason for it. You are not an asshole. I know that, and so do you. He is acting like an asshole, by treating you like you are not equal to him. He thinks that you are often wrong when you are not, just like you told us. He doesn’t act like an asshole in front of outsiders, he just treats you like you are less than, and at this moment in time, you are willing to accept that, and then try to pass his bad behavior off as though somehow you are the one that caused him to act like an asshole.

I don’t care if he’s frustrated that he “doesn’t get to have any fun”. Welcome to the world. When do YOU get to have fun? Fun isn’t the main thing in life. I know that you are trying to make the best of a bad situation, but do not let this bullshit get out of hand, because the more you do, the more he will think it is OK. You may be flawed, but not in the way that you have described what he is doing. You don’t act like an asshole towards him. You don’t constantly tell him that he’s wrong, when you have the facts that prove otherwise. He doesn’t hesitate to do that to you, though.

^^I have fun every day. I work when I want. I go to zumba 4 days a week. I go to discussion groups a couple times a week. I go to lectures I’m interested in. I just went to the symphony last night. I could travel if I wanted to, but I’m not inclined to do it while he’s stuck at home right now. I do do small travel like visiting friends and family. I have lunch with friends, I cook when I feel like it, otherwise my husband is fine eating cereal, having leftovers, or having something from the freezer. If I want to see a tourist attraction he comes with me most of the time. We have fun almost every day together, we love watching TV shows together in the evening, he comes to the theatre with me when he’s interested (I don’t want him to if he’s not) he always wants me along when he’s interested in seeing something or learning something (meaning I’m always invited) we are extremely united, and at the same time extremely independent.

This isn’t like how battered women say I know he loves me he only hits me when I do something wrong. I know how women do that. This is relationship difficulties that could be better, no excuses for where it could be better, but overall he is a great guy with high integrity, and has never tried to stop me from pursuing what I want.

I’m just wondering if everyone heading for divorce court on the Q has never been married? Or, are divorced more than once. Or, estranged from family members. Or, perfectionists? Or, constantly disappointed by family and friends?

I think @inspired_2write is mostly correct about the ego and I need to be better at not putting my husband on the defensive. Yes, it’s a little annoying that I have to worry about his ego, but it’s not divorce court territory. My husband needs to trust more that I never have a bad intention and not be so defensive, which translates to not be so mean during these interactions, because I’ll never be perfect.

@JLeslie I agree with you. It’s always sounded to me like you have a good marriage and are just having a lot of stress in recent years.

@janbb Thanks. It’s hard online, because when you complain, it’s easy for people to focus on the bad thing you’re complaining about. I understand that. They don’t have the whole picture. My marriage is far from perfect, but overall I enjoy my marriage very much.

I agree with @janbb. Your marriage has seemed to be a good partnership for many years, where stressors are acknowledged and worked through. Like you said, it’s difficult to explain on line the difference between venting about a stressful time and having a disrespectful partner.

@JLeslie OK, that’s alright if you are generally happy in your marriage. I’m only going by what you were talking about, specifically, on this thread. I am only suggesting that you and he should seek some counseling, now, before this business of him telling you are wrong escalates. It’s not to punish him, or you, it is just to get another opinion, to give some tips on how to better deal with certain stresses in life.

One of my friends and his wife, went to pre-marital counseling, to make sure that they were on the same page and had the same goals, before they got married. A few years later, they went to counseling again, before they tried to have a baby, to make sure that they both wanted the same thing out of their future lives with a child, and to see that they both had similar parenting styles, and to work out any issues that they might have had regarding supporting the other spouse, when the child had some type of issue that wasn’t easily resolved. They’ve been married for about 30 years now, and they have gone back to the counselor at least one other time that I am aware of, when the husband was changing careers, because there were a lot of stressors for both of them at that time, and they wanted to make sure that they were meeting each other’s needs and not taking each other for granted, and they were approaching their “empty nest” when their child headed off to college.

I’m not saying that you are anywhere near heading towards divorce court, but it looks like there is a bit of a problem, in that he doesn’t take your facts seriously. I would not be able to put up with that for long.

@Kardamom He isn’t constantly telling me I’m wrong. He tells me he doesn’t want to hear my voice. Lol. It’s like when a parent is annoying. I’m becoming annoying. He doesn’t want to be told what to do, or hear my ideas. I don’t mean 100% of the time, but it just escalates into a fight easily lately when we are disagreeing, or when I make a suggestion.

My husband constantly says I’m right when things are calm or when he is talking about me to friends, sometimes he says it very seriously, sometimes it’s when he is being funny and joking. He isn’t stupid, nor is he in denial nor a liar, he’s just feeling badly.

We’ve been to therapy maybe three times in our 25 year marriage. We went once concerning some of this about a year ago. The therapist, whom I like very much, basically “sided” with him for lack of a better word. She saw he wasn’t happy.

That’s a bad relationship. Go to counseling together.

Not you too. :). It’s a bad job more than anything. As I’ve said, we went to a therapist, and the therapist saw he needs relief. We are finally trying to sell our business. Hopefully, if we can get that done, he will have some relief.

I do talk too much probably. He isn’t accustomed to having to talk so much during the day, this is the first time in 20 years he has had a job dealing with the public. He’s on overload and then I have the things I’m worried about. Most men can’t talk that much, it’s not their nature. He wants to come home and zone out. I know how he feels, this is part of what I tried to tell him before he bought the business, because I have the experience of working in physical jobs. He didn’t believe me. People who work in offices have zero idea what’s it’s like to work physically all day. Now he knows.

He assumed he would be in better shape, and that it’s no big deal to be out in the elements. He was wrong, and ugh, I was right. I told him he would be eating worse, not have the energy to exercise, and be overall exhausted. It sucks for him that every day is a big I told you so without me even saying I told you so, and this is just one thing of late, but it’s the big thing.

@JLeslie, maybe @trailsillustrated was referring to the OP. :-)

@ jleslie what @ canidmajor said. Pretty sure it’s to the op.

Lol. I think you’re right. I just assume everyone is always talking to me. Narcissism ~

Nah, @JLeslie, you were the focus for many previous posts.

It’s so easy to advise, “Go to counseling together.” Some how I don’t think he’s going to be open to that. Why should he? He’s not the one being hurt.

No; I divorced that jerk. He worked at it for twenty years. The one I have now doesn’t do that. I think one of the reasons he doesn’t is because his dad never put down his mother. It has been so wonderful not living like that. But, and this is major, our grown kids now , echoing their father, put me down a lot. So I’ll never get away from it . It’s hard to like people that put you down so much. I spend most of my time alone now. Nice and quiet. PS My ex still, when I allow him to contact me, continues to tell me off using expletives and very loud volume. I’m through with him.

Yes. Look at how their fathers treat their mothers. I KNOW that’s why Rick does and says some of the things he does to me. It’s all he knows. I’ve confronted him with it, too. I told him I have never heard my father call my mother any of the names he used to call me. I told him I never had an ex boyfriend call me those names. My ex husband never called me those names. I think it kind of rocked him that not ALL men behave that way.
He’s teachable.

Nah I was talking about the op. I know JLeslie personally I wasnt talking bout her marriage.

@trails :)